30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?

[SoleMate]

Iff.......your bf:

• were employed and established in the US in a good career (commensurate with his mature age)
  
• worked hard to create a realistic move plan that took your needs into account, including buffering the huge financial vulnerability you would be incurring
  
• you had a proposal, ring, and date
  
• and oh, about a half-dozen other things that don't pop to mind right atm
  

....then it would STILL be a big decision with a lot of risk in it. Worth considering and maybe taking, as Gaeta says, but still a risk. However, WITHOUT any of those things as you are now, it's just a no-go.

 

So his family lives in Fremont, California....that's just a few miles from me, in the heart of Silicon Valley. Right now, we are in the strongest employment market in history, with a record high number of jobs and wages. Anyone who wants to work and has the skills to fog a mirror with his/her breath is working. And your BF is not, because he's not even been job hunting. I'm assuming he's some kind of professional.....right? Job hunting for him isn't a 60 hour week pounding round the mill gates and stockyards with cloth cap inm hand, it's just going online, sending emails and making calls. 6-7 hours a week would make a good shot at it. If I were he and truly desirous of checking out the job market, I wouldn't be waiting. I'd be actively scouting opportunities in all the key markets for my field, while also looking for opportunities for my loved one. The goal would be to find a city in this huge, diverse country of unlimited opportunity that could be a fit for both of us.

 

The US ranges from the subtropics to the Arctic, from seacoast and Pacific islands to prairies 1500 miles from saltwater. While some in the US are harvesting roses and citrus (Fremont!!), others are icefishing on lakes with 18 inches solid ice below them (my cousins). Elevations range from -224 ft below MSL to, what, 18,000 feet above. Denver is a huge city a mile high in the Rockies. Massive mountain ranges also include the Appalachians and the Sierras. The economy covers agriculture, computers, services, health care, education, manufacturing, oil and gas, sustainable energy, electronics, chemicals, pharmaceuticals, construction, the arts, automotive, sports, etc. etc. etc. and in most categories, the US is leading or neck and neck with the leaders in innovation and growth. So the US has plenty of opportunity for a youngish, English-speaking couple to build a life.....assuming both are motivated.

[BaileyB]

At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.

YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

 

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

 

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.

Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.

 

I have to say that I completely agree.

[Satu]

In my own experience, I got to the point where I had to decide which country I was going to live the rest of my life in, which people I was going to invest in, and where my heart really belonged. That point came after living in the new country for several years.

 

At one point, I always felt like I wanted to be in the other country, regardless of which one I was in

 

Strangely, I ended up living in a third country, where I now live very happily.

 

No more big moves for me.

 

All's well that ends well.

 

 

Take care.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

I have been to the UK several time, and to Europe and I live in Arizona. Hands down the weather in Arizona beats the UK. It is beautiful 8 months out of the year. 4 months of hot heat but 8 months of nice. Cost of living out here is pretty cheap 2 bed/2 ba apt $800/mo. The UK is constantly overcast and rainy and cold in the winter. The US is HUGE so if he is thinking about Seattle, the cost of living in seattle has skyrocketed there. My step son and his GF just moved there and they pay almost $2000 a month in rent for a small 1000 sq ft apt. They both work for Amazon. Yes it is cold and rainy there too.

 

 

London is extremely expensive I assume you don't live there.

 

 

Taxes are much higher in the UK to pay for your healthcare. But in the end maybe its worth it.

 

 

Yes our healthcare system is a mess but we do have reasonable cost dental.

 

 

If he is unemployed I would not even think of moving to the US with him. It does sound like you are happy where you are at and you should encourage him to perhaps move where you are.

 

 

Before I would even come to the US with him I would find out where exactly for sure he is going to end up. Where does he live now? NYC, San Fran, Seattle all have high costs of living. Out of those 3 though I would choose Seattle in a heartbeat. It's a hip city, good looking young people, lots of coffee, sports, and a short drive to beautiful Canada.

 

 

good luck!

[Gaeta]

Gaeta,

 

To be fair, your bf moved to you, so most of the sacrifice was made by your bf, not you, right?

 

Another thing, your bf is from France, he moved to FRENCH Canada, so the adjustment, though considerable, may not have been as bad as it will be for her.

 

Were you jobless when your bf moved to you? Probably not, right? But the OP is considering moving her entire life for someone who doesn't have a job, promises to pay $200k(???) for her 2-yr retraining/education, etc. Greater risk on her part. And, oh, no ring, proposal yet, right? Too many things to consider and rightfully so.

 

OP, you need to really talk about this. Logistics, legal/residence issue, relationship status, how are you going to pay the rent, sundry of bills, etc.

 

Let's help the OP stay on firm ground and place heavier consideration and value on reality than on romantic 'possibilities.'

 

My BF left a profession (and his own company) of 25 years (Electrician) to move in Canada. Over here he has to go back to school to get his Canadian licenses. He is doing it right now at the age o 49.

 

Concerning OP's boyfriend, I didn't think she was considering moving to US tomorrow morning. for sure she is not considering moving there till he is settled in a new job and he can support her while she adjust on her new continent.

 

OP's title is very clear, She sees moving to him as a 'sacrifice' It will not work with this state of mind.

 

She met this guy some 6 months ago? I wouldn't uproot myself for a man I dated 6 months. I would only consider it for a man that has been 2-3 years in my life and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

[basil67]

No, you shouldn't do it. I would have a different answer if you were excited about the move and had nothing much to lose, but this isn't the case.

[Sweetfish]

Can I easily break this down for you.

 

6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries

We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.

This math doesn't make sense to me. But the reality is the two of you really don't know each other.

 

However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK

He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research.

Are you willing to risk 2 years in a foreign country on the hopes of getting $200,000 dollars paid to you...

 

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

Look even if he was to get paid 100,000 salary, the government will take out 25% so were down to 75,000 This doesn't include insurance and other taxes.

 

cost of living - for 12 months @ 30,000

 

so were down to $45,000

 

so if he is willing to be drop dead broke for 5 years on the hopes of getting this $100,000 job to pay you this $200,000 this is a pipe dream.

 

I don't see it happening and is a HUGE GAMBLE

 

I would wait and see if this man can stabilize his career.

 

I would bet on your career in the medical field in the U.K. and if he works in the U.K. it will expand his resume (if his career doesn't require lengthy retraining...) because American companies love when you have expertise outside the USA. So if it doesn't workout between you two, his risk seems to be a lot less than your.

 

If you two don't work out a year into the relationship and you decided to move to the States, you risk I assume $100,000 in debt.

 

This man clearly does not have FORESIGHT and is not thinking rationally or logically or just lack fiscal knowledge and my numbers were a crude estimate. Anyone who is in the 100,000k bracket of any sector unless he is in porn or drug cartel at the age of 40 I would expect a more realistic approach

 

Hope that helps your decision process

[Wild Flowers]

Are you kidding me? I live in canada and I want to move to america so badly. My boyfriend lives in New York. You also can get health insurance in America and they have states that have beautiful weather

[purrrfectlyflawed]

Health insurance is extremely expensive out here that is the problem with our system. healthcare is so overpriced. Unless you go on Government Medicaid or have a good employer who has great benefits, you can be screwed.

 

 

Depending on where you live the weather is gorgeous mainly in the south. AZ, Southern CA, Texas, Florida. The upper Midwest and North East is bitter cold in the winter.

 

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? I live in canada and I want to move to america so badly. My boyfriend lives in New York. You also can get health insurance in America and they have states that have beautiful weather

[SunnyWeather]

...

At one point, I always felt like I wanted to be in the other country, regardless of which one I was in

...

.

 

so true. depending on the day it's either a blessing or a curse and something pretty much every expat I know experiences. It's not uncommon to have one's heart in two places after having lived abroad for any period of time. It makes things doubly tricky when one is involved with someone from another country. An ideal situation would be to be able to live in both places

 

go with your heart OP

[firefly123]

Hi guys,

 

Thank you for your input. It got me to discuss things with him over text last night.

 

I said that I decided that I didn't want to move to the USA because I would have no career and no freedom. There is no guarantee I'll get into uni there and even if I did it would cost $200k plus 2-3 years retraining.

 

He said that he felt disappointed. He asked me 'so if i dont live in europe with you, then we cant be together?'. He said that I was issuing him with an ultimatum then. He said he wants to move to Seattle where the public transport was good. He said that nature was better in the US compared to Europe. I said the nature wasn't enough reason for me to move. He replied, 'and apparently I'm also not enough reason for you to move either'.

 

I asked him if he was gonna still apply to the uk for a post grad degree. He said well if we're not together then there was no reason for him to study in the UK.

 

I said so is that it then, are you 100% sure you want to stay in the US. He said he had told me before when we first started dating that he would eventually go back. He said he had told me all the reasons why he wanted to move back, and he didnt want to 'discuss the topic to death'. I said 'sure, but I didnt think it would be so inflexible.' I said i was upset that he didnt seem to wholly grasp the level of things I would have to give up, and that he didnt seem to have any solutions to the problems I would face. I said i was annoyed that he has just left me to cope on my own, and just expected me to follow him whilst he goes down the path of minimum effort.

 

I asked if he wanted to Facetime, but he said that he didnt know how talking would solve things. I said so u dont want to discuss things at all? He said that he can talk if i want to talk.

 

But anyways, it was getting late for him over there. So we have decided to talk in 9 hours time.

[firefly123]

So he told you he would settle in USA eventually and you thought you could change his mind? Kinda wasted everyone's time huh? You guys are not meant to be.

 

Yes when we first started dating, he told me that there was a very strong possibility of him going back to the US. So there have been about 8 previous discussions between us where we decided that it wouldn't work out. However, I wanted to be with him so much, that we just pottered on, and I did come round a few times to move to the usa, but my mind changes all the time. I am torn between moving with him and settling down and having a family, and just go through the difficulties, or staying in the UK where I am, but single and alone again.

 

He has never said that he wanted to move to the UK, he lived there for 3 months a few years ago and he didnt really like it. I thought maybe because he lived in London, in a bad area, he didnt have a good experience. I thought maybe I could persuade him to come to the UK with me through common sense and the fact that if he was with me he could settle down sooner. There are many things that he likes about the UK- the transport, the museums, the proximity to Europe, but the thing that puts him off is mainly the salary which is the same as what he has been getting for the past 13 years.

 

He is a software engineer, studied in Stanford. He moved to Asia because he liked the culture there, and was being paid much less than if he had stayed in the USA. He feels that it's time for him to go back, knuckle down to a high paying job, and start a family.

 

Oh, and we started dating April 2015, and we have been doing long distance since May 2016. So far, he came to visit me July 2016, I went to visit him August 2016, he came to visit me December 2016 and the plan was for me to visit him in the US in March 2017.

 

He thought that we wouldnt start discussing what I would do and make concrete plans until we knew where he found a job in the US/ found a place in uni in London so he is taken aback by my sudden decision last night that I didnt want to move anymore. He said that he had hoped that once I move there I would change my mind, and I had been hoping that he would change his mind.

 

What do you think is the wisest thing to do, guys? Go to the US and be with him and have a nice family, or let him come to the UK this October, do a degree, and still hope that he would change his mind then? As a nearly 30 year old, what do u think should be my priority and what are my chances of finding a new love in the UK?

Edited January 9, 2017 by firefly123

[firefly123]

Why would a Stanford software engineer move to UK. All the good tech jobs are here. No way he would move to UK if he has brains and he has. If you think you are going to change his mind, you are wasting his time.

 

Yes thats precisely why he doesnt want to be in the UK. The maximum earnings for a software engineer is £35,000 a year here which is almost $44,000. I don't know anything about the software engineering industry in the US, he used to work briefly in the Silicone Valley and that is where he is living right now. He said that he wants to do a job that he is interested in and uses cutting edge research, which the UK doesnt seem to have.

 

I have no idea how much a Stanford grad would earn.

 

He has been really good to me, and I guess really committed to this LDR thing? He is completely loyal, honest to a fault, he travelled all the way to the UK to see me this Christmas, and he paid for a 9 day trip to Italy (food, hotel, attractions everything). He texts me every day, and replies to my messages within a few minutes of seeing them. I've been treating him too of course, paying for everything in the UK... He often mentions getting married and having kids so he is definitely marriage ready this year. I do really want to get married to him too and have kids with him, its just this US thing. Am i being really short sighted and not giving the US a chance?

 

Do u think it's reasonable that when he wakes up, I propose to him the idea of staying with me in the UK, until I can be sure of a university place in the USA?

 

I am also kind of fed up of me being the one thinking up possible solutions to our problems. We have different strengths, but thinking outside the box for solutions to problems ain't one of his.

[firefly123]

That isn't your (you and him) problem. That is your (and yours only) problem. He has been always honest with you, telling you he is settling in the US. You seem to be the one thinking one day you could change his mind but things don't work this way. He didn't deceive you. He never said he is going to live in the UK. You are the one with issues of leaving the UK so that is your problem. Not his. Everyone wants to immigrate to the US and you dont' wanna come? And marry a Stanford grad? Sounds crazy. You need to get over your attachment issues or you will regret BIG time. In about 5 years, when he is married to someone else, and you are still dating the douchebag soccer fan no job blokes in UK dating sites. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

Haha thats why I am torn... I really love him, want to be with him therefore I feel guilty that I've kept him, all the while knowing that he wants to go back to the US. It's not his fault that the US requires me to retrain. He has offered to pay the fees for retraining (you have to demonstrate you have the bank balance first before enrolling so he would pay first and not me). If you say it like that, him earning $200k then sure, it makes a big difference to earning a fraction of that. He always said that he would make enough to support the both of us if need be.

 

I just cant help feel a bit disappointed that although he likes Europe and all, he won't really consider a permanent move to the UK. I thought that couples were supposed to work together for these things!! I thought that a good guy would be willing to make compromises for the woman he loves!

 

Haha thats one of my fears too being a woman of 30, the blokes in the UK are generally of dodgy quality!!! Especially the over 30s.... I am not attracted to any of the ones I meet on a day to day basis. If I had to hunt for a guy, I suppose I would have to make it a full-time occupation, maybe in London where the choice is greater. It was so much easier when I was in my early 20s, but I am afraid that it is so much harder now outside of university. Seeing all my friends getting married these past 3 years and even having their first child makes me think that maybe I should grab the bull by the horns and just take the plunge and move to the US.

[elaine567]

Sounds like he has made his mind up and that even if he came to the UK it would only be to be close to you for a year and it would not change his goal of going back to the US to ultimately settle down.

It sounds like he was as nonplussed by the UK, as you are with the US.

 

Many people go "travelling" for pleasure or for business or for a bit of both, but "home" is "home" and when it comes to thinking of putting down roots and settling down then "home" is often where they want to be.

He sounds like one of those, so if you do decide to go (I think that would be madness personally), then do not go thinking you can persuade him to move back to the UK in a few years time - you would be moving there permanently as long as you are with him.

Of course being a 40 yo single man who has travelled a lot and spent a long time in Asia, he could get bored with "family life" back in the US and that is another risk you run here.

He is not getting on bended knee either, is he? All talk, no action.

 

Of course, once you have kids then there would be custody battles and oodles of heart ache if you did then decide you had had enough and wanted to come back home. the time for decision making is now.

 

I see that the only reason you want to go there is that you do not want to pass on having a family and you want to be married.

Nowhere do you state that you love this man sooooo much and that you cannot envisage a life without him in it.

He is a means to an end and that IMV is not enough for you to ditch your career and move half way across the world to a place you are at best "iffy" about.

Face it, you are not going to spend years and years retraining to get to first base again, not after spending years and years training in the first place, are you?

So you are likely going to be a SAHM getting bored out of your skull in a place you do not want to be, with a man you are not "that" crazy about and who you will grow to resent, or you are going to have to grab some menial low paid job, as despite being a dentist, you are not really qualified to do much else...

[firefly123]

Sounds like he has made his mind up and that even if he came to the UK it would only be to be close to you for a year and it would not change his goal of going back to the US to ultimately settle down.

It sounds like he was as nonplussed by the UK, as you are with the US.

 

Many people go "travelling" for pleasure or for business or for a bit of both, but "home" is "home" and when it comes to thinking of putting down roots and settling down then "home" is often where they want to be.

He sounds like one of those, so if you do decide to go (I think that would be madness personally), then do not go thinking you can persuade him to move back to the UK in a few years time - you would be moving there permanently as long as you are with him.

Of course being a 40 yo single man who has travelled a lot and spent a long time in Asia, he could get bored with "family life" back in the US and that is another risk you run here.

He is not getting on bended knee either, is he? All talk, no action.

 

Of course, once you have kids then there would be custody battles and oodles of heart ache if you did then decide you had had enough and wanted to come back home. the time for decision making is now.

 

I see that the only reason you want to go there is that you do not want to pass on having a family and you want to be married.

Nowhere do you state that you love this man sooooo much and that you cannot envisage a life without him in it.

He is a means to an end and that IMV is not enough for you to ditch your career and move half way across the world to a place you are at best "iffy" about.

Face it, you are not going to spend years and years retraining to get to first base again, not after spending years and years training in the first place, are you?

So you are likely going to be a SAHM getting bored out of your skull in a place you do not want to be, with a man you are not "that" crazy about and who you will grow to resent, or you are going to have to grab some menial low paid job, as despite being a dentist, you are not really qualified to do much else...

 

I think you'd hit the nail on the head with the issues that we're facing. We both want to be at home, but we both want to get married to each other, which is impossible really.

 

I know that I wouldn't really want to retrain, but the option of SAHM is just terrifying for me, I might just retrain in order to get more freedom, happiness and money despite the struggle. I do have another business related degree, but I have long forgotten the course content for that. My bf suggested maybe i use that, but honestly, Id be quite lost in another career.

 

I'm sure he hasnt proposed to me yet since we are on a long distance relationship where we still havent decided where we are going to live. One moment I say I will be with him in the US, the next moment I say I dont want to be. He is quite a stable sort of guy, he doesnt like instability and spontaneous actions.... I'm sure if I did physically move to be there, he would propose.

 

I do love him a lot and am very happy when we are together. I cant say I can't imagine a life without him, as I believe I can also be happy if I had to be alone. There was a time when we had a 1 week break in our relationship, where I decided I didnt want move to the US. I missed him so much though that we got back together fairly quickly.

 

I've never been to Seattle, but do you think a nice lifestyle there as a dentist + software engineer is possible?

[BluEyeL]

I think you should move to the US and when you do don't start being whiny about the difficulties you'll face. Life is tough , the first few years will be hard but it'll be worth it. You should be prepared to learn how to drive immediately. If you are to be a whiny soiled woman than forget about it. However hard work and going for all the opportunities will pay off . When you are 40 you'll be both established, with a family a home and good careers. Follow that goal and don't give up . That's what successful people do.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

I dated many foreigners in my dating years and my first question to them was do you plan on going back to your country and I'd never pursue someone answering maybe.

 

It's best you end this and move on.

[elaine567]

I've never been to Seattle, but do you think a nice lifestyle there as a dentist + software engineer is possible?

 

Anything is possible, living in a tent in the woods and scavenging for food is "possible", but I guess not for everyone.

 

I think what gnaws at me about your situation that everything here is on his terms, he doesn't have to sacrifice anything.

He gets to live where he wants, he can follow his career, he has no retraining to do, he can move seamlessly into a job and set up his family where he wants to live. He has given up nothing. Yes he may come to London for a while, but that "experience" just goes on his CV, he will actually have lost nothing.

He is just following his life plan and it is you who is sacrificing everything here. He will also want kids PDQ, at 40 he cannot afford to wait much longer, how will you fit retraining in with having children too?

 

He is sitting in the centre of the cog safe and secure, whilst you are are on the edge of the cog spinning at a great rate of knots and in danger of falling off at any moment.

[heavenonearth]

Health insurance is extremely expensive out here that is the problem with our system. healthcare is so overpriced. Unless you go on Government Medicaid or have a good employer who has great benefits, you can be screwed.

 

 

Depending on where you live the weather is gorgeous mainly in the south. AZ, Southern CA, Texas, Florida. The upper Midwest and North East is bitter cold in the winter.

 

Don't forget the newly installed government is about to cut all social security, Medicaid and what not. I would not want to move there in the current economic/political landscape. And I think weather should be the last criterium some should take into account.

Weather is ****ty were I live, but at least I don't have to starve myself to go to the doctor.

[clia]

It sounds like he's been pretty clear from the beginning that he intended to settle in the US, and you fell into the trap that many of us women find ourselves in where you hoped and prayed that he would just change his mind. You are both issuing ultimatums to each other, but he's been issuing his (in so many words) since the beginning. Of course he's feeling taken aback at your change in position.

 

Look, if it were me, there is no way I would want to essentially have to repeat my education and start over from scratch in my career, both from a training standpoint and a cost standpoint. That just seems so tedious. So I don't blame you at all for not wanting to do it! I sure wouldn't! At the same time, I also don't think it's a great idea for you to move to the US without establishing some way to support yourself and earn money in case things go sour with you and your boyfriend, even ten years down the line.

 

It's a tough situation, but it seems like it shouldn't even have gotten this far, to be honest. This relationship should've been over ages ago, given that neither one of you want to move to the other's country.

[heavenonearth]

Hi guys,

 

Thank you for your input. It got me to discuss things with him over text last night.

 

I said that I decided that I didn't want to move to the USA because I would have no career and no freedom. There is no guarantee I'll get into uni there and even if I did it would cost $200k plus 2-3 years retraining.

 

He said that he felt disappointed. He asked me 'so if i dont live in europe with you, then we cant be together?'. He said that I was issuing him with an ultimatum then. He said he wants to move to Seattle where the public transport was good. He said that nature was better in the US compared to Europe. I said the nature wasn't enough reason for me to move. He replied, 'and apparently I'm also not enough reason for you to move either'.

 

I asked him if he was gonna still apply to the uk for a post grad degree. He said well if we're not together then there was no reason for him to study in the UK.

 

I said so is that it then, are you 100% sure you want to stay in the US. He said he had told me before when we first started dating that he would eventually go back. He said he had told me all the reasons why he wanted to move back, and he didnt want to 'discuss the topic to death'. I said 'sure, but I didnt think it would be so inflexible.' I said i was upset that he didnt seem to wholly grasp the level of things I would have to give up, and that he didnt seem to have any solutions to the problems I would face. I said i was annoyed that he has just left me to cope on my own, and just expected me to follow him whilst he goes down the path of minimum effort.

 

I asked if he wanted to Facetime, but he said that he didnt know how talking would solve things. I said so u dont want to discuss things at all? He said that he can talk if i want to talk.

 

But anyways, it was getting late for him over there. So we have decided to talk in 9 hours time.

 

Wow this is intense. I am a bit shocked, because you said he has been always so involved and so good to you. And now he is being quite stubborn. You sound reasonable in the discussion and he sounds just very bratty.

I see he is disappointed but he should not express such resentment to you. After all, you'd give up a HELL LOT to be with HIM.

 

I think the way he reacts right now shows a lot of who he really is, and a lot of that may come in the future whenever you have disagreements. I'd see it as a huge red flag. Where is his compassion? How can he not see that this is such a huge thing for you?

 

And what someone wrote above about someone else being married to your Stanford grad whilst you date some UK soccer fan - how condescending was that comment, please? I mean, way to go about stereotyping British people.

Dear OP, think again, please, if this is really worth it.

Everyone can marry a guy who makes good money.

But how about marrying a guy who actually can show compassion when it comes to the sacrifices you have to make in order to be together?

 

I am appalled by his reaction.

[firefly123]

It sounds like he's been pretty clear from the beginning that he intended to settle in the US, and you fell into the trap that many of us women find ourselves in where you hoped and prayed that he would just change his mind. You are both issuing ultimatums to each other, but he's been issuing his (in so many words) since the beginning. Of course he's feeling taken aback at your change in position.

 

It's a tough situation, but it seems like it shouldn't even have gotten this far, to be honest. This relationship should've been over ages ago, given that neither one of you want to move to the other's country.

 

True, thats why we did have so many little breakups in our relationship, only to get back together as we just didnt want to be without each other.

 

Now, my sister says I am just being too emotional and should calm down. Her advice would be to move with hm and that finding a guy i love and compatible with is quite difficult. She says i will have fun in the usa.

[justwhoiam]

Firefly, after reading and reading so much, I really don't know where to start from. I feel I'd have to write too much. I guess it ended up being a lot.

 

I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it

I don't know, didn't it occur to you to be apprehensive about the UK's current situation? UK needs to rely heavily on import and the country is closing off. Enough said. I don't see a brilliant future, especially on the national job market.

 

the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research

I guess you mentioned gross salaries. Now consider taxes in both countries. And taxes he might pay to the US should he work in the UK, and taxes you'd pay to the UK if you work in the US.

 

For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do

I've been to the UK, London and outside and Scotland, I've been to many states in the US. Food sucks all the same, sorry. You eat well, if you cook. Do you cook? If you do, then you'll be fine. As others say, just know where to buy from. In NYC, you get the little grocery shop run by the Chinese, in the London area, it's just the same but run by Indians. Not many differences.

 

my family are in the UK

How old are your parents? Are they the kind who would look after your kids? Would they commit to help should you need it? And would you want to take care of your parents getting old? Visit them every day or once/twice a week? If they needed help in the old age, would you put a nurse by their side at home, or a carer, or send them to a nursing home? Are they well-off? Do they own their house or property? Do you have brothers and sisters and what's their position in life? Would they help or just go on with their lives? You need to face all these questions for a life-changing decision like moving your residence to a different country, etc.

 

If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for)

Who said that? Where did you get your info from? Did you attend professional dentistry conferences in the US? You need to attend a couple of those in different parts of the country and get acquainted with real professionals and the market, I'm sure some of them have gone through similar experiences of moving countries and can give you first-hand information and probably some tips. Check the ADA website. I think what you need is to pick the university that will give you the best deal in terms of recognition of your UK studies. Also, you admitted that English people don't go to the dentist much, while in the US I guess most people visit a dentist at least a couple of times a year.

 

I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30

You need to set up a dental office or join a dental office. And get into practical details if you get pregnant tomorrow and working in the dental office. That means choosing a town with kindergarten nearby your house, with services and shopping area near your house/in your neighborhood, etc. Are his parents the kind who would look after your kids in case of need? Or are they more like the couple that likes going on a cruise, or being free of any hassle? If it's the latter, then you don't need to be in California. Think Pennsylvania or New Jersey.

 

I have thought about looking for someone local

After dating him? Or before dating him?

 

The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!

So would his postgraduate degree be recognized everywhere in the US without a problem and no further effort?

 

Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US?

I think you should only spend your life with someone flexible, especially when a couple is multicultural. That means that the relationship will be able to survive only if both of you are flexible and open.

I am in Europe, he's in the US. We discussed living together, and we both think it's wise to have a base in both continents. I have more roots, relatives, friends and traditions where I live (but I can work anywhere in the world), he has a well-paid job in the US. We could split 8 months in the US vs 4 months in Europe or 50/50, or once he's retired, we can do whatever we feel like.

 

I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.

Only you can answer that. Just the fact that you're not head over heels in love with him is a good enough reason to just wait and see what you really want. But I feel that if it didn't happen yet, it won't happen in the future. You went through the honeymoon phase already with him and you don't sound ecstatic.

 

he is considering Seattle

With half a continent available, I wouldn't think of Seattle.

 

I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive)

I've been to NYC at least 7 times. Every time I try to explore a different area of midtown or Manhattan. If you think it's boring, then you didn't see anything or not enough of the city yet. Despite my multiple visits, there's still so much I wasn't able to do or see yet. Midtown is quite expensive but I find everything exciting. London was boring in comparison. And I think his presence makes everything so much more exciting in general, to me. Maybe you get bored with him? That's not a good sign.

 

I'd never move to Chicago, too cold. I wouldn't move to California, as I'm paranoid about earthquakes. And Las Vegas is not exactly the nicest place to raise kids. But that's just my view.

 

I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car

You can't compare London to Fremont. You can compare a big city to another big city. Big cities have trains, buses, underground, etc. And you'd walk to many places. That's how it works.

 

I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food

Well, if you eat at Taco Bell, you know what to expect. The good thing is that you can open their website and read anything about the ingredients. I travelled around the UK, and it's not like that. Also, out of the EC rules, I expect the UK will be a magnet for trash from all over the world.

 

His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK

I think a medium size is the best.

 

I can't think of any positives to the US

It's a country of contradictions. I think I like the sense of unity in small communities and "families" like firefighters, the rule of helping each other, the spirit of "everyone have their chance in life" and the poorest one can make it big. I like the spiritual side of the US, which is pretty absent all over the UK, where historic buildings like churches are turned more and more into ticketing premises, gothic pubs, or simply dismembered, with people taking home marble stairs or wooden furniture. The average Joe in England doesn't have much respect for art, while the most insignificant thing is cherished in the US. I wouldn't want my children to grow up in the UK.

 

Europe is just tons better

I agree, but I need to see how things will be between England and the rest of Europe.

 

I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?

One way or the other, it looks like it won't go or might not go your way.

 

I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA

It looks like he had a temporary job in a foreign country. Did he do that because it was his only option? Or to just gain experience? Or for fun? Or to make some good money for later on in his life? Bottom line he's now in his 40s and unemployed. Landing a job might not be the easiest task right now.

 

i feel like he wouldn't have to sacrifice that much to come to the UK

Don't assume that. The sacrifice is that you're not free to go back at your own will anymore, once you're married. You have duties. Duties mean sacrifice. Are you ready for duties and sacrifice? Or are you imposing that on yourself because of your biological clock?

 

he's been unemployed for 2 months and is going to start looking soon

I guess his move back home was planned well in advance, how come he didn't apply for new jobs last year? For a smooth job switch? He either wanted some sabbatic time, or I don't know, maybe he doesn't rely on his personal income to live (which wouldn't sound attractive in a man in his 40s). Is he currently living in with his parents?

 

He has been living away from the US since 2000

So you think it'll be easy for him to land a job after 17 years out of country? Was he at least working for a US company abroad?

 

He is also looking at universities in London for this October's class due to my suggestion of trying out the UK and to be with me sooner.

I think his priority now should be finding a job to sustain himself and get his career back on track. Stalling him for another year would mean stalling any family plan you might have. It's hard to have a family with no stability and no finances.

 

should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?

Seriously, do you think that by marrying ANY guy you won't sacrifice anything? In my part of the world, you sacrifice for family not for a man. If you have a project and a goal together, you do your part. Doing your part might mean to sacrifice something along the way.

 

my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US

There are 65 dental schools in the US. You can contact them and see which ones give you the best deal, they all have their own requirements. I don't think they'd have you start from scratch.

 

I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life

You'll be a homemaker (Americans like to use this term lately as housewife is not politically correct) only if you want to be that.

 

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

Did you contact all the 65 schools to come to that conclusion?

 

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay?

Well, it's time for you to ask questions and get into details.

 

I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US

What do you think is more important for a child, having the love and guidance of a family or education from a boarding school?

 

Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

Don't marry him if you have this scheme in mind. It will often fail and with bad feelings.

 

he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport

All true, though houses are probably less solid.

 

he doesnt like driving either

I guess that would be kind of a dealbreaker for me. I love a man who likes driving. I love the idea of driving on route 66, or driving across the USA. I like that idea of freedom, and stoppint along the road to take pictures, or stopping anywhere to eat or sleep. If you like freedom, the US should be the place for you.

 

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London

It looks like the compromise is too much for you both. Just consider for one moment that he was out of his country for 17 years already, and I guess he was looking forward to being back.

then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?

Risky.

[VeveCakes]

The issue you haven't really touched on either is Visas....it is almost impossible to get one to move to the US even if you did get married. Same with him going to the UK - and if he gets a marriage visa he can't work for 6 months after moving to the UK. Is that sustainable for you both?