I don't think my daughter is mine

[Cephalopod]

Cops are perfectly within the law to use subterfuge to get a suspect to admit to a crime, even going so far as to lie to them. The courts have upheld such tactics.

 

I have no moral issue with OP using subterfuge to determine if his wife is lying to him. None at all. I think, for his piece of mind, he should get a kit, do a cheek swab on his daughter, and send it in for testing.

[Bufo]

You have two areas of concern here. The first is to decide what you want to do if the paternity test results show biological fatherhood or rule it out. It will not be the child's fault should Ex be the biological father. It will be WW's fault however for having the affair and lying to you about it. And this you have a decision to make. Even if you are the biological father your marital concerns remain.

 

The second set if issues is legal. If you aren't the biological father, does the law cut you any slack? Or are you stuck for support because you have supported daughter for X years? Check with a knowledgeable attorney about that and visitation and biological father's rights. Laws differ from place to place so don't rely on the internet for your answers.

 

One of your earlier posts describes the perfect intersection of motive and opportunity for an A to have happened. There is no shortage here of stories usually involving Facebook and old flames where the current H gets torched

 

And these two share a long term bond involving the child they gave up but still see. With a warped sense of the romantic, it's possible that these star-crossed lovers wanted another child together and the shared hotel provided the perfect opportunity.

 

Do not share the fact of testing or it's results with your wife. At least until you have decided what path to take.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Just do the test. There is no point in speculating if you may or may not have had a recessive red haired gene in your family, when the test is so easy and you can have results in less than a week. All of you, including your daughter, deserve for this issue to be put to rest, one way or another.

[Mr. Lucky]

All of you, including your daughter, deserve for this issue to be put to rest, one way or another.

 

Important consideration.

 

VicHri, at this point you're also advocating for your daughter. There are important long-term logistical, legal and emotional issues in the balance here, as much for her as for you. Clarification and resolution, however potentially painful, would be to everyone's benefit ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whipster]

DNA tests are in CVS, Walgreen's, Rite Aid...you don't have to send off for them.

[Calmandfocused]

Lots has been said about hair colour so I wont say more than to say it is possible.

 

However just wanted to point out that its completely possible for two brown eyed parents to have a blue eyed child. You said that both yours and your wife's dads have blue eyes. Both of you therefore carry the blue eyed gene recessively.

 

You therefore have a 25% chance (ish) of having a blue eyed child.

[SeenNotHeard]

Lots has been said about hair colour so I wont say more than to say it is possible.

 

However just wanted to point out that its completely possible for two brown eyed parents to have a blue eyed child. You said that both yours and your wife's dads have blue eyes. Both of you therefore carry the blue eyed gene recessively.

 

You therefore have a 25% chance (ish) of having a blue eyed child.

 

That's exactly how it played out for my son. He has blue eyes we both have brown, both grandfathers had blue eyes.

[VicHri]

I feel bad enough going behind my wife's back to do this DNA test. Lying to her to get a reaction would make me feel even worse. If I learn that my daughter is mine biologically, I'd feel horrible for doing that to my wife. Then I'd have to come clean about all of it. When she knows that I didn't trust her it is really going to hurt her. I don't want to pile on more things that will make it worse.

 

For the record, my wife has seen the advertisements for some genetic screening tests. I cannot remember the name but they tell you were your background comes from and if there are health conditions that run in the family or you are prone to. She has shown interest in doing them for herself and I. She said there wasn't a point to do them for the kids because their results would be both of ours. Which would probably be true. She's had interest for quite a while, we've never bought them though. Haven't been able to justify the price for something that may be inaccurate.

 

I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions. We could have a child with red hair and blue eyes, weirder things have happened. If her ex wasn't in the picture at all or had different features I don't think I'd be questioning it at all. When I look at my Tochter eyes I see my wife's ex. The eyes are identical. I keep telling myself, if he wasn't in the picture this wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

I did speak to a lawyer recently, before deciding to do this. If my wife and I divorce what happens with my daughter is dependent on the circumstances. The most likely is that I'd have no rights to see her and no financial obligations to her. I would have rights to see my sons and shared financial obligations. Losing my daughter would be extremely hard.

 

This isn't just something that I want to know for me. I want to know it for my daughter as well. If she ever has questions about her appearance I want to be able to tell her the truth. I want her to understand where she comes from. I'm her dad, but if I'm not her biological father then she deserves the chance to know who is. I don't want her to grow up with unanswered questions. There are enough adopted children in my family for me to understand how hard that can be. If a health issue were to arise in the future, I don't want that to me the time this comes up. I don't want my daughter to learn of this far later in life either, and question everything she knew. I want her to know that regardless of who her biological father is, she is my daughter and she always will be.

 

Genetically, we could have a child with red hair and blue eyes. The external factors are what make me question it.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I feel bad enough going behind my wife's back to do this DNA test. Lying to her to get a reaction would make me feel even worse. If I learn that my daughter is mine biologically, I'd feel horrible for doing that to my wife. Then I'd have to come clean about all of it. When she knows that I didn't trust her it is really going to hurt her. I don't want to pile on more things that will make it worse.

 

For the record, my wife has seen the advertisements for some genetic screening tests. I cannot remember the name but they tell you were your background comes from and if there are health conditions that run in the family or you are prone to. She has shown interest in doing them for herself and I. She said there wasn't a point to do them for the kids because their results would be both of ours. Which would probably be true. She's had interest for quite a while, we've never bought them though. Haven't been able to justify the price for something that may be inaccurate.

 

I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions. We could have a child with red hair and blue eyes, weirder things have happened. If her ex wasn't in the picture at all or had different features I don't think I'd be questioning it at all. When I look at my Tochter eyes I see my wife's ex. The eyes are identical. I keep telling myself, if he wasn't in the picture this wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

I did speak to a lawyer recently, before deciding to do this. If my wife and I divorce what happens with my daughter is dependent on the circumstances. The most likely is that I'd have no rights to see her and no financial obligations to her. I would have rights to see my sons and shared financial obligations. Losing my daughter would be extremely hard.

 

This isn't just something that I want to know for me. I want to know it for my daughter as well. If she ever has questions about her appearance I want to be able to tell her the truth. I want her to understand where she comes from. I'm her dad, but if I'm not her biological father then she deserves the chance to know who is. I don't want her to grow up with unanswered questions. There are enough adopted children in my family for me to understand how hard that can be. If a health issue were to arise in the future, I don't want that to me the time this comes up. I don't want my daughter to learn of this far later in life either, and question everything she knew. I want her to know that regardless of who her biological father is, she is my daughter and she always will be.

 

Genetically, we could have a child with red hair and blue eyes. The external factors are what make me question it.

 

So what's the hold up? Go get a DNA test.

[GunslingerRoland]

Don't lie, just get the test done.

 

But be prepared for the two situations. The obvious one that she isn't yours. But the other one that if she is yours, you've managed to convince yourself she isn't... you'll need to get those thoughts out of your head for good if it isn't true.

[oldshirt]

I feel bad enough going behind my wife's back to do this DNA test. Lying to her to get a reaction would make me feel even worse.

 

But there is a strong chance that she has been lying to you and carrying on a double life behind your back.

 

This is not about revenge or vengeance, it is about protecting yourself.

[oldshirt]

.

 

 

If I learn that my daughter is mine biologically, I'd feel horrible for doing that to my wife. Then I'd have to come clean about all of it. When she knows that I didn't trust her it is really going to hurt her.

 

There is no reason for you to feel bad and absolutely no reason to have to tell her.

 

The reason for your suspicion is a mountain of evidence that she has been unfaithful and carrying on a double life. She is not entitled to your trust.

[oldshirt]

 

I did speak to a lawyer recently, before deciding to do this. If my wife and I divorce what happens with my daughter is dependent on the circumstances. The most likely is that I'd have no rights to see her and no financial obligations to her.

.

 

Where are you located? In the US most courts will consider you the father of record and would assume continued contact and child support.

 

It would be the biological father who's parental rights and responsibilities would need to be determined.

[anika99]

I agree, just do the DNA test. It's one thing for your daughter to have the same eye color and hair color as your wife's ex but if when you look into your daughters face and eyes, you see the ex, then there your fears just may be true.

 

I have a 1/2 brother who at first look appears to resemble my mom. He has her coloring and features but sometimes when I look at him I see my stepfathers face coming through. I can't explain it as my brothers features don't resemble my stepfather but somehow I see my stepfather in him anyways. Just do the DNA test for your own peace of mind.

[Clay]

I know this is hard but you need to do the DNA for the both of you. She has a right to know the truth as well. I went through all this with my serial cheating ex Wife. Even long after we were divorced and I had custody I still worried. Finally one day I decided I needed to know. So I went online and found a dna company. I wondered what I would do if my two kids were not mine. It took less than two weeks. I received it and it still took me a week to open it out of fear.

 

They are mine. Both of them. They still both look nothing like me. I am glad I did it. I don't know what I would have done had they not been mine but I knew I loved them.

 

Do this for the both of you and the sooner the better.

 

C

[whichwayisup]

I'd go and talk to your parents, aunts/uncles etc and see if there's anyone who has red hair in the past. Are you 100 percent sure that there's no gene in your side of the family?

 

You wouldn't be cut out of your daughters life, that would be cruel to her since you're the only father she knows. Worst case scenario, you and your wife divorce and you get visitation not shared custody. (shared custody with the other kids though). Don't 'go' there yet as you just don't have enough info.

[road]

I feel bad enough going behind my wife's back to do this DNA test. Lying to her to get a reaction would make me feel even worse. If I learn that my daughter is mine biologically, I'd feel horrible for doing that to my wife. Then I'd have to come clean about all of it. When she knows that I didn't trust her it is really going to hurt her. I don't want to pile on more things that will make it worse.

 

For the record, my wife has seen the advertisements for some genetic screening tests. I cannot remember the name but they tell you were your background comes from and if there are health conditions that run in the family or you are prone to. She has shown interest in doing them for herself and I. She said there wasn't a point to do them for the kids because their results would be both of ours. Which would probably be true. She's had interest for quite a while, we've never bought them though. Haven't been able to justify the price for something that may be inaccurate.

 

I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions. We could have a child with red hair and blue eyes, weirder things have happened. If her ex wasn't in the picture at all or had different features I don't think I'd be questioning it at all. When I look at my Tochter eyes I see my wife's ex. The eyes are identical. I keep telling myself, if he wasn't in the picture this wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

I did speak to a lawyer recently, before deciding to do this. If my wife and I divorce what happens with my daughter is dependent on the circumstances. The most likely is that I'd have no rights to see her and no financial obligations to her. I would have rights to see my sons and shared financial obligations. Losing my daughter would be extremely hard.

 

This isn't just something that I want to know for me. I want to know it for my daughter as well. If she ever has questions about her appearance I want to be able to tell her the truth. I want her to understand where she comes from. I'm her dad, but if I'm not her biological father then she deserves the chance to know who is. I don't want her to grow up with unanswered questions. There are enough adopted children in my family for me to understand how hard that can be. If a health issue were to arise in the future, I don't want that to me the time this comes up. I don't want my daughter to learn of this far later in life either, and question everything she knew. I want her to know that regardless of who her biological father is, she is my daughter and she always will be.

 

Genetically, we could have a child with red hair and blue eyes. The external factors are what make me question it.

 

 

 

Sending all those photos of just the daughter to the EX is a red flag.

 

 

Another red flag wife does not want the kids DNA tested. Stop talking and get that paternity test done.

[Standard-Fare]

Option 1, you continue fretting about this possibility for the rest of your life, and it degrades your relationship with both your wife and your daughter.

 

Option 2, you find out the truth. Two paths from there: a. ideally, you can finally be in peace with the knowledge that your daughter is in fact biologically yours, or b. your fears are confirmed.

 

I understand "b" is intimidating and scary, and would alter all of the relationships here, but isn't it still better than remaining forever in the dark, tortured by your suspicions? You deserve the truth. And you know that you will still love your daughter either way and continue to be her father.

[BettyDraper]

Sending all those photos of just the daughter to the EX is a red flag.

 

 

Another red flag wife does not want the kids DNA tested. Stop talking and get that paternity test done.

 

 

This. If I had a child and I was sure that my husband was the father, I wouldn't care if he wanted to do a DNA test because I wouldn't have anything to hide.

 

It disgusts me when women play such serious games with the lives of their husbands and children.

I also cannot imagine not knowing who the father of my child is!

[VicHri]

To clarify, I have never asked my wife to do a DNA test. She saw the advertisements for the tests that show your lineage (I believe is the right word). What areas of the world your family stems from. She was curious to do them to see if what we think about our families history is correct. She said there wasn't a point to do those for our kids because their results would be the same as ours combined. ie) it would be a waste of money to get the same result over and over. Which is true. The kids results should be no different than ours.

 

I have ordered a DNA test and I will have the results by the end of the week, hopefully it shows the answer I'm hoping for. If not, I have the answer either way.

 

When I think of a woman who would lie to this level, I think of a terrible, hateful, mean person. I don't think of my wife at all. She has been a great partner in my life and I can't imagine not being with her. She is such a sweet person and everything that I wanted in a wife.

 

She has always put other people before herself and sacrifices to make other people happy. She has been an amazing mom to our kids. When "**** hits the fan" she stays calm and handles it with grace. She never loses her temper with our kids and is like a parenting encyclopaedia. She has never been controlling or jealous. She has put total trust in me, and I gave her the same. I have gone on a few vacations alone with friends, including single women, and she allowed it. She has always said she trusts me completely and without trust there is no relationship. She knows how to make me feel needed, but more importantly wanted. We very rarely fight and she never picks fights. Even if I do something to anger her she lets it go. The odd time that we did fight she would never do it in front of our kids and we never went to bed angry. She never throws blame, she owns her mistakes. She never shares our private details with anyone else, I know so many women (and some men) who do. She is accepting of everything that I want to do. She knows how to keep our relationship alive and has put the relationship before anything else. Even when she is exhausted she she will anything that anyone needs and nurture our marriage. Regardless of anything that I could do she loves me unconditionally. Since the day I met her she made me want to be a better man. If she's uncomfortable with something she does it anyway if it's something that I want to do or try. She loves caring for people and even though she's not working right now she chose her career in health care.

 

There really aren't many bad things that I could say about her. Anything that I could surrounds her ex, nothing else. Maybe those are my own insecurities festering. I wouldn't ever expect her to create such a big lie and hurt so many people. I'm hoping she is the woman I thought she was.

[DKT3]

To clarify, I have never asked my wife to do a DNA test. She saw the advertisements for the tests that show your lineage (I believe is the right word). What areas of the world your family stems from. She was curious to do them to see if what we think about our families history is correct. She said there wasn't a point to do those for our kids because their results would be the same as ours combined. ie) it would be a waste of money to get the same result over and over. Which is true. The kids results should be no different than ours.

 

I have ordered a DNA test and I will have the results by the end of the week, hopefully it shows the answer I'm hoping for. If not, I have the answer either way.

 

When I think of a woman who would lie to this level, I think of a terrible, hateful, mean person. I don't think of my wife at all. She has been a great partner in my life and I can't imagine not being with her. She is such a sweet person and everything that I wanted in a wife.

 

She has always put other people before herself and sacrifices to make other people happy. She has been an amazing mom to our kids. When "**** hits the fan" she stays calm and handles it with grace. She never loses her temper with our kids and is like a parenting encyclopaedia. She has never been controlling or jealous. She has put total trust in me, and I gave her the same. I have gone on a few vacations alone with friends, including single women, and she allowed it. She has always said she trusts me completely and without trust there is no relationship. She knows how to make me feel needed, but more importantly wanted. We very rarely fight and she never picks fights. Even if I do something to anger her she lets it go. The odd time that we did fight she would never do it in front of our kids and we never went to bed angry. She never throws blame, she owns her mistakes. She never shares our private details with anyone else, I know so many women (and some men) who do. She is accepting of everything that I want to do. She knows how to keep our relationship alive and has put the relationship before anything else. Even when she is exhausted she she will anything that anyone needs and nurture our marriage. Regardless of anything that I could do she loves me unconditionally. Since the day I met her she made me want to be a better man. If she's uncomfortable with something she does it anyway if it's something that I want to do or try. She loves caring for people and even though she's not working right now she chose her career in health care.

 

There really aren't many bad things that I could say about her. Anything that I could surrounds her ex, nothing else. Maybe those are my own insecurities festering. I wouldn't ever expect her to create such a big lie and hurt so many people. I'm hoping she is the woman I thought she was.

None of us would have chosen the marriage we did if we envisioned who we married would cheat. None of us could imagine this happening, none of us thought our spouses capible of this.... Sadly they were, they did it no matter how we thought they wouldn't.

[Popsicle]

Here we go....

 

Why would you do this?

 

Are you bored or looking for a reason to divorce?

[ShatteredLady]

Here we go....

 

Why would you do this?

 

Are you bored or looking for a reason to divorce?

 

 

The OP doesn't seem to be on the same page as where this thread is being dragged. I think he's correct....wait for the results BEFORE she's convicted.

 

Best plan!

[VicHri]

None of us would have chosen the marriage we did if we envisioned who we married would cheat. None of us could imagine this happening, none of us thought our spouses capible of this.... Sadly they were, they did it no matter how we thought they wouldn't.

 

I suppose that is true. If I thought this was how our lives would look 5 years down the line I wouldn't have married her. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did. That's something I'll have to wait and see on.

 

Here we go....

 

Why would you do this?

 

Are you bored or looking for a reason to divorce?

 

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure if I understand your post correctly. Why would I wonder if my daughter is biologically mine? My daughter deserves to know the truth, that's more important than my knowledge. I need to know if my wife is actively seeing her ex or has cheated in the past.

 

Trust me, I don't want to (trying to remember English idioms) 'stir the pot'. I love my wife and no part of me wants a divorce. The divorce rate here is 30-40%, depending on the area, and that's not something I have ever wanted to contribute to. My wife and I have been very happy. If I had no concerns about my daughter and my wife's ex, divorce wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

This wasn't an easy decision. I was able to do the DNA test today and sent it back in. I paid extra to have the results sooner, so I should know by Friday. I didn't make this decision to cause drama in my life, that is the last thing that I want.

 

I don't want to sit in the dark for years and have this come out later in a worse way. If I know the information first then I can control what I do with it. I don't want to come straight out and ask my wife "is our daughter mine", because that is going to hurt her terribly if she is my daughter. It's not worth the hurt when I can find my answer discreetly. If that is my biological daughter than I put this to rest and my wife doesn't have to know I had doubts.

 

My wife has noticed that I have been acting a little differently towards her, and I can't help it right now. I have tried to act as I normally do but I am not winning any Oscars. She has been upset lately because she knows something is wrong and I haven't talked to her about it. She hasn't acted guilty or suspicious, just concerned and confused. We are normally very open with each other.

 

I'm not looking for a reason to leave, get divorced or walk away from my family. Even with the result, I don't know if I would do that. I love my family and the life that we have created together.

[anna121]

I think your doubts are reasonable, OP, and I am glad you took some action to find out the truth.

 

If I may, even if she is your daughter (which I really hope is the case), I think you should re-negotiate the terms of your wife's interaction with her ex. It seems very unhealthy to me.