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Is he being distant or am I being paranoid? [UPDATE: Boyfriend broke up with me]

StarGirl17

By StarGirl17
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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Me and boyfriend were together a month and we did move fast. Met each other's families, said I love you etc. It felt natural on both sides. Then when I went home he ignored me for nearly a week till I asked him what was happening. He said "I've been thinking, we did move too fast and it put me off" I was prepared to slow things down because we did move so fast and had spent so much time together. He's still on my Facebook though he's restricted me and his mum is still friends with me too. He hasn't blocked any contact from me. I haven't spoke to him since last Thursday when I told him I wouldn't be able to collect my stuff from his due to the weather being so bad. I really want to ask him for another chance? Is it worth it?

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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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She can say whatever, but that's not going to make him pick up the phone and act like you mean something to him.

 

Leave his mom out of it--he's grown now and doesn't need her permission or approval for whom he decides to get with in a relationship.

 

If he's not telling you that you're the best thing to happen to him, then what she says, really, is meaningless.

 

He did say I was the best thing to happen to him

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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He did say I was the best thing to happen to him

 

His words need to be supported by action/behavior . . .

  • Like 1
Frozensushi Established Member

Frozensushi

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I really want to ask him for another chance? Is it worth it?

 

Hi, welcome to Loveshack. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It must bewilder you that he had such a drastic change of heart over something that could be easily fixed.

 

You need to get your belongings back ASAP. Ask him to box/bag the stuff up and leave it outside his home and go get it. After that go NC.

 

Look, hope isn't lost, but you need to be strong. You must act like you are totally over him, begging and pleading for him back will only push him away further as it will paint you as being weak.

 

Some like it fast, some like it slow. It's not all on you, he could have adjusted the speed the relationship was going if it was making him feel uncomfortable. A month isn't very long and if he really enjoyed spending time with you and wanted to be with you, he could have just told you in a loving way that he needed some space or whatever.

 

The one thing I've learned from the folks on these forums is one simple fact. If someone wants to be with you, they will make every effort. You can't force someone to want you. You can't persuade a person to fall in love with you. There is no gray area. They either do or they don't.

 

My advice? Move on, find someone who's not wishy-washy. It was only a month, that's nothing. Go out with friends, date, work on yourself, find some joy in your life. This guy will become a distant memory soon enough.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Posted (edited)

Move on.

 

There is no hope.

 

I don't know if it's something in the air or what, but commitment phobes are spawning like mushrooms.

 

Classic moves. Rushed out the gate, love bombed you, after a month you've done more than most have done in 3 months, and then POOF, gone like the wind. No explanation nothing.

 

Finally reaches out and wants to bring things back to where he's comfortable, slow it down.

 

I've read tons of books about commitment phobia, unavailable men, Men Who Can't Love, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, etc, etc, and they all say the same thing. The ONLY men who blow hot and cold are unavailable men. And it's so true.

 

The only thing you can do here is walk away with your dignity. Trust me, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. If you wind up giving him another chance the entire cycle is going to happen again, love bombing, pulling away, ghosting, but each subsequent time you engage with this, the cycle goes faster and faster.

 

I was involved with a guy who did this, and I gave him a second chance (before I read all the books) and yep. Did the same thing AGAIN.

 

When a guy shows you who he is, believe him!

 

Do NOT ask him for another chance. Do NOT agree to be his friend. Do NOTHING but get your things and move on. You're in for a whole sh*t show of emotional mindfu(kery if you get back with him.

 

Believe NOTHING that he says, and watch everything he DOES. His words are NOT matching his actions. Therefore, something is WRONG. You're the best thing that happened to him? Really? Then why would he just up and ditch you outta no where? You see how it doesn't make sense?

Edited by KatZee
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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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Move on.

 

There is no hope.

 

I don't know if it's something in the air or what, but commitment phobes are spawning like mushrooms.

 

Classic moves. Rushed out the gate, love bombed you, after a month you've done more than most have done in 3 months, and then POOF, gone like the wind. No explanation nothing.

 

Finally reaches out and wants to bring things back to where he's comfortable, slow it down.

 

I've read tons of books about commitment phobia, unavailable men, Men Who Can't Love, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, etc, etc, and they all say the same thing. The ONLY men who blow hot and cold are unavailable men. And it's so true.

 

The only thing you can do here is walk away with your dignity. Trust me, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. If you wind up giving him another chance the entire cycle is going to happen again, love bombing, pulling away, ghosting, but each subsequent time you engage with this, the cycle goes faster and faster.

 

I was involved with a guy who did this, and I gave him a second chance (before I read all the books) and yep. Did the same thing AGAIN.

 

When a guy shows you who he is, believe him!

 

Do NOT ask him for another chance. Do NOT agree to be his friend. Do NOTHING but get your things and move on. You're in for a whole sh*t show of emotional mindfu(kery if you get back with him.

 

Believe NOTHING that he says, and watch everything he DOES. His words are NOT matching his actions. Therefore, something is WRONG. You're the best thing that happened to him? Really? Then why would he just up and ditch you outta no where? You see how it doesn't make sense?

 

Yeah it makes no sense to me at all! My friends said he will end up reaching out again and I run the risk of it all going wrong again. He made such a great effort until he went off grid on me. I don't know what happened

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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

Posted
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Hi, welcome to Loveshack. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It must bewilder you that he had such a drastic change of heart over something that could be easily fixed.

 

You need to get your belongings back ASAP. Ask him to box/bag the stuff up and leave it outside his home and go get it. After that go NC.

 

Look, hope isn't lost, but you need to be strong. You must act like you are totally over him, begging and pleading for him back will only push him away further as it will paint you as being weak.

 

Some like it fast, some like it slow. It's not all on you, he could have adjusted the speed the relationship was going if it was making him feel uncomfortable. A month isn't very long and if he really enjoyed spending time with you and wanted to be with you, he could have just told you in a loving way that he needed some space or whatever.

 

The one thing I've learned from the folks on these forums is one simple fact. If someone wants to be with you, they will make every effort. You can't force someone to want you. You can't persuade a person to fall in love with you. There is no gray area. They either do or they don't.

 

My advice? Move on, find someone who's not wishy-washy. It was only a month, that's nothing. Go out with friends, date, work on yourself, find some joy in your life. This guy will become a distant memory soon enough.

 

Good luck!

 

I was thinking of going no contact. It worked with my ex who came back after three weeks lol! I really do miss him and I haven't sent the text that I had originally written out. It's just sat there.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Posted
Yeah it makes no sense to me at all! My friends said he will end up reaching out again and I run the risk of it all going wrong again. He made such a great effort until he went off grid on me. I don't know what happened

 

Nothing happened. Well, not with you anyway. There was nothing you could have done, nothing you did or didn't do, that made this happen.

 

Get on Amazon and look up those books. Men Who Can't Love is pretty much the bible for these emotionally unavailable men.

 

Basically these people live in a perpetual state of fear. When things are looking like real commitment, they run. They can't commit to staying, they can't commit to leaving. This is why he just ghosted you.

 

He broke up with you now, so you could be dealing with an honest unavailable man, but don't fall for the old, "I hope we can be friends" because that's how he'll keep his foot in the door to "come back" once the fears are alleviated.

 

I guarantee you will hear from him again, he'll try to come back. These guys flip flop all day long. In, out, in, out, hot, cold, hot, cold, but never with both feet.

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Posted
I was thinking of going no contact. It worked with my ex who came back after three weeks lol! I really do miss him and I haven't sent the text that I had originally written out. It's just sat there.

 

No Contact is not a tool for getting back with an EX. It's tool to help a person move on/forward with their lives.

 

It worked with my ex who came back after three weeks lol! -- And yet, he is an EX . . . if that's called "working", Okie dokie.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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No contact isn't really going to work in your situation.

 

Not in the way you want it to anyway. You're assuming this guy is emotionally healthy and available. I'm assuming he's NOT. Based on everything you've written, he's just not.

 

He WILL come back if you go NC. Not because he wants to get back together in any sort of real capacity, but only because you're gone, and the fears dissipate and he's free to "like you again" on his own terms and conditions, and he'll realize he misses you.

 

The problem is that he'll come back, you'll have stars in your eyes, SO HAPPY!!! Get back, and then he'll go running AGAIN once you've done the whole love bomb song and dance and he's face to face with someone looking for *GASP HORROR FEAR!!* commitment.

 

It's crappy. He's basically taking you on his personal broken carnival ride and will be the "driver" while you sit around being the "passenger" sacrificing yourself to be with him.

 

If you're at a point where you'd take him back no question, hope he comes back, think your love is going to change him into loving you, and are doing NC only to get him back, you DESPERATELY need to get a hold of: "The Commitment Phobe- It's Not You, it's HIM."

 

Not only will it talk about him, but it's going to talk a lot about you- the love addict, the codependent, someone with no self-esteem, etc.

  • Like 1
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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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Posted
No contact isn't really going to work in your situation.

 

Not in the way you want it to anyway. You're assuming this guy is emotionally healthy and available. I'm assuming he's NOT. Based on everything you've written, he's just not.

 

He WILL come back if you go NC. Not because he wants to get back together in any sort of real capacity, but only because you're gone, and the fears dissipate and he's free to "like you again" on his own terms and conditions, and he'll realize he misses you.

 

The problem is that he'll come back, you'll have stars in your eyes, SO HAPPY!!! Get back, and then he'll go running AGAIN once you've done the whole love bomb song and dance and he's face to face with someone looking for *GASP HORROR FEAR!!* commitment.

 

It's crappy. He's basically taking you on his personal broken carnival ride and will be the "driver" while you sit around being the "passenger" sacrificing yourself to be with him.

 

If you're at a point where you'd take him back no question, hope he comes back, think your love is going to change him into loving you, and are doing NC only to get him back, you DESPERATELY need to get a hold of: "The Commitment Phobe- It's Not You, it's HIM."

 

Not only will it talk about him, but it's going to talk a lot about you- the love addict, the codependent, someone with no self-esteem, etc.

 

I did send him the message asking if he was prepared to take it slow. He said he wants to be alone for a while as he's thinking of moving. He said its best we cut contact for now. Does that mean he will want to hear from me someday? I plan on getting my stuff from his on Wednesday and then going no contact. Not that I have any choice.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted

Sorry this happens. Guy that come on all fast and heavy like that is 9 times out of 10 a big red flag. When someone takes commitment seriously, they don't rush it. Too much too soon. Love bomb. The hotter the flame the faster it burns. Etc etc Take it slow next time and qualify a guy /his trustworthiness first.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I did send him the message asking if he was prepared to take it slow. He said he wants to be alone for a while as he's thinking of moving. He said its best we cut contact for now. Does that mean he will want to hear from me someday? I plan on getting my stuff from his on Wednesday and then going no contact. Not that I have any choice.

 

He's trying to let you down gently, girl.

 

He's indifferent if he hears from you someday. In the future, keep in mind that people who rush head-first into relationships are not to be taken very seriously. You two moved extremely fast and that's generally a red flag, not a good sign. He was making grand proclamations without even really knowing you. This is bad because it suggests he's an impulsive type and makes decisions based on his feelings in the moment without thinking of the longer term ramifications; this is not good for a long-term relationship.

 

Sorry it turned out this way, but I think you probably dodged a bullet. Rarely do people who jump the gun like that turn out to be viable partners.

  • Like 1
Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

Posted
Posted
He's trying to let you down gently, girl.

 

He's indifferent if he hears from you someday. In the future, keep in mind that people who rush head-first into relationships are not to be taken very seriously. You two moved extremely fast and that's generally a red flag, not a good sign. He was making grand proclamations without even really knowing you. This is bad because it suggests he's an impulsive type and makes decisions based on his feelings in the moment without thinking of the longer term ramifications; this is not good for a long-term relationship.

 

Sorry it turned out this way, but I think you probably dodged a bullet. Rarely do people who jump the gun like that turn out to be viable partners.

 

I 100% agree with this. Happened to me twice but I now take it as a huge red flag. Both ended miserably.

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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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I 100% agree with this. Happened to me twice but I now take it as a huge red flag. Both ended miserably.

 

He was treating me so well so I didn't think anything of it

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StarGirl17 Member

StarGirl17

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Sorry this happens. Guy that come on all fast and heavy like that is 9 times out of 10 a big red flag. When someone takes commitment seriously, they don't rush it. Too much too soon. Love bomb. The hotter the flame the faster it burns. Etc etc Take it slow next time and qualify a guy /his trustworthiness first.

 

He came out of a 5 year relationship two years ago so I'm guessing he just freaked. I dunno. I'm going no contact once I collect my stuff tomorrow.

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