Will he ever propose...

[Rubysmom22]

Bad therapist.

She should have told you that a relationship should not be dependent on a certificate.

 

I am surprised that at age 43 you have not learned that pressuring men into things is only making them want to do it less / it pushes them away.

 

I think he'd be wayyyyy more likely to propose if you just let the subject go, drop it completely. I wouldn't propose to someone who'd constantly nag me about marriage.

 

At 43 you know what you want too...and what you won't settle for..after what I settled for for 20 years of my life before I refuse to settle for anything less. He has every right to not want to get married...but I have every right to not be with him too. I haven't nagged either....being open about we want isnt nagging..

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[angel.eyes]

Wow ..you are wrong about me. Its about my values ..I was married to a man who who cheated and beat the **** out of me for years. And i still want to get married ..third world problems? Don't talk to me about those...

 

Wow! Your ex is a real nightmare! I hope you involved the police when he trashed your apartment. It's too bad he's turning your kids against you and blaming you rather than his abusive behavior for the breakup of the marriage.

 

You're a strong woman! Be proud that you've survived and are in a far better, healthier place in your life. You're at the next crossroad now. You've clearly reclaimed your life and know what you want. You'll make the right decision for you!

[Rubysmom22]

Whilst I do understand where you are coming from, from an emotional perspective, and whilst I don't want to disregard that emotional perspective or its importance for us as humans, I just want for you to see it from a different perspective. Try to imagine it.

Personally, I could see myself getting married someday (I was married in my early twenties and am pretty jaded when it comes to the illusion of what marriage means in today's age), but I don't think I need to. It took a few years for me to rationalize that. But there really should be the ability for us to weigh what's more important. That you corner him into doing something he doesn't really want to do, when that something really is, in the grand scheme of things, and in a rational way, not that important...

or that you have a partner who does a hell lot for you and your children for 5 years already, who is clearly committed to your family and who just doesn't seem to think of marriage as a big deal.

 

Just try to think about it. I am not sure what your therapist tells you, but if she hasn't suggested this yet, then I think she's not a good therapist. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, and it's imperative that we look at things from an outside or opposing viewpoint, just to put things into perspective.

 

I mean, I wish I had a guy who pays for my daughters wedding. WTF? That's an amazing guy! He's a keeper. Married or not.

I can see how it's important to you to get married, but given that you were married before and it didn't work out, what's the point?

You are well aware that marriage does not guarantee a life time commitment.

The only thing we are certainly given in life is death.

So marriage or not, you got a good thing, and you shouldn't throw it away over marriage ultimatums.

 

Lol just to be clear , he did not pay for my daughters wedding...it was a 40 thousand dollar wedding.... He contributed as much as he could... Mostly towards her shower which I threw. I'm only clarifying because I'm making it known I'm not some ungratefully bratt...I'd personaly would be happy with a JP and the beach.

[Rubysmom22]

Wow! Your ex is a real nightmare! I hope you involved the police when he trashed your apartment. It's too bad he's turning your kids against you and blaming you rather than his abusive behavior for the breakup of the marriage.

 

You're a strong woman! Be proud that you've survived and are in a far better, healthier place in your life. You're at the next crossroad now. You've clearly reclaimed your life and know what you want. You'll make the right decision for you!

Yes he was and still can be. I did call the police .he lost his job , and apartment.... And my kids hated me for bit for quite a while...it's been a long road for us

Edited January 4, 2017 by Rubysmom22

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

 

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

 

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?

[heavenonearth]

OK, one thing I am definitely learning here is that I'm getting really angry about how my bf is being seen. Also how trivial our relationship is being characterized. Let me back up a bit to the beginning. First of all , this man came into my life knowing I hadl 4 children...went from being a single guy living with his gamer friends to a 40 year old woman with more baggage than a large air port. He never judged , never once let me down with anything. When my ex husband came into my apartment and trashed it...he protected me. He has supported everything I've ever done. That all being said we have been through the ringer with my kids. They blame him for my ex and I not being together. Even though we met way after we divorced. My ex has manipulated them and lied and bought their love with vacations and gifts. We don't have the ability to give them all that. So yes he contributed to my daughters wedding by maxing our credit cards...not to make her happy but to make me happy. I have been depressed because of the distance with my kids, he was trying to help me. There is so much more depth to this story . yes I have come right out and asked ..babe do you ever want to get married...his answer has always been yes. As far as having someone to cook and clean..... I don't cook he does, I do clean ..but he also does a lot with our 3 year old. As soon as he walks through the door he is taking care of her so I can have a break. He is a wonderful man. So you can see how I'm torn here. I also know a few couples who were together for 10 years before they got married and they are happy.. Time will tell but no matter what happens this man is a one in a million and he thinks the same of me. No need for glossing.

 

 

Not sure why you are writing this. Clearly in every post of mine I have mentioned that I think you have a great man who is clearly invested in you and your family, and committed to the core.

 

 

 

Lol just to be clear , he did not pay for my daughters wedding...it was a 40 thousand dollar wedding.... He contributed as much as he could... Mostly towards her shower which I threw. I'm only clarifying because I'm making it known I'm not some ungratefully bratt...I'd personaly would be happy with a JP and the beach.

 

Ok, so in another post you wrote how he is the most amazing guy ever and now you are saying that he is actually not that great. Make up your mind.

Do you want to get married because you love him or just because you want to get married?

 

I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

 

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

 

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?

 

This! I would totally suggest this too. It's always best to have a third person evaluate in such situations. Otherwise you will keep worrying for years to come. Good luck.

Edited January 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[Rubysmom22]

I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

 

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

 

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?

 

We actually do attend counseling. Wecstarted going so we could get help communicating with my older children . we also started going because my bf has a really hard time even being in the same room as my ex. We have to be sometimes during certain occasions . There is no doubt he is commuted to me , commitment definitely isn't the problem here. Or love...I think it really is money, but it shouldn't be.

[Rubysmom22]

Not sure why you are writing this. Clearly in every post of mine I have mentioned that I think you have a great man who is clearly invested in you and your family, and committed to the core.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, so in another post you wrote how he is the most amazing guy ever and now you are saying that he is actually not that great. Make up your mind.

Do you want to get married because you love him or just because you want to get married?

 

 

 

This! I would totally suggest this too. It's always best to have a third person evaluate in such situations. Otherwise you will keep worrying for years to come. Good luck.

 

I'm not sure how clarifying how much he spent towards my daughters wedding is in any way saying he's not so great. I was simply stating he didn't pay for my daughters entire wedding. .which keeps being stated over and over again. I clearly know and have said he is a wonderful guy. And yes I do wabr to get married because I love him...I never thought I'd ever want to get married again.

[Rubysmom22]

Something I never realized happend this morning. My bf was on the phone with Hus boss and mebtioned something about me, when he referred to me he called me his fiance.. He has called me that before too and I'm over here calling him my bf..hmm maybe I'm over thinking .

[Whodatdog]

Once again, talk is cheap.

 

These threads are all about what women want. Its not about what men want.

 

What motivates a man to get married? He meets someone and falls head over heals. He wants to live together, to possibly have kids and a family. That fact that a marriage will tie up his assets, and put the proverbial ball and chain around his neck is scary, but its balanced against what he gains.

 

Now Mrs. Wonderful decides to change the normal progress of things, and decides to move in, play house, and have kids with him. His motivation for marriage is gone. All thats left is the bad stuff if he then gets married. So in gods green earth, why in the world would he?

 

He's now calling you his fiance? He doesnt have that right. He needs to put a ring on your finger in order to do that. You need to VALUE yourself, not be so swayed by worthless words.

[Rubysmom22]

Once again, talk is cheap.

 

These threads are all about what women want. Its not about what men want.

 

What motivates a man to get married? He meets someone and falls head over heals. He wants to live together, to possibly have kids and a family. That fact that a marriage will tie up his assets, and put the proverbial ball and chain around his neck is scary, but its balanced against what he gains.

 

Now Mrs. Wonderful decides to change the normal progress of things, and decides to move in, play house, and have kids with him. His motivation for marriage is gone. All thats left is the bad stuff if he then gets married. So in gods green earth, why in the world would he?

 

He's now calling you his fiance? He doesnt have that right. He needs to put a ring on your finger in order to do that. You need to VALUE yourself, not be so swayed by worthless words.

Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.

[VeveCakes]

so whats the problem then OP? Hes a great guy, you seem to get very defensive over anything anyone is saying.

 

Either accept you may not get married and continue with your great man, or throw a great man away because you need the piece of paper.

 

You make your life what it is, not him. It's your decision whether you can accept possibly never marrying him or not.

[kidm]

Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.

 

Clearly there is something holding him back from taking that next step with you so he may think there is something to lose although it may not even be rational. I think giving yourself a time frame within which you are willing to wait is a good idea and then you can go from there. Maybe he likes playing house but doesn't want to have to have laws dictating certain things. Unlike what one poster said on here, marriage is not just a paper. It is union that comes with certain legal protections. He sounds like a decent guy so hopefully it all works out but I wouldn't put much stock in him referring to you as his fiancé.

[Rubysmom22]

so whats the problem then OP? Hes a great guy, you seem to get very defensive over anything anyone is saying.

 

Either accept you may not get married and continue with your great man, or throw a great man away because you need the piece of paper.

 

You make your life what it is, not him. It's your decision whether you can accept possibly never marrying him or not.

I wish it were that black and white. I will admit I'm a complicated person. All I know is, I gave up a lot to completely start over. I had already had my kids I was able to do more things go to school ect. I love my little girl to pieces but I gave up a lot fir this relationship, including a strained relationship with my other kids. He knew how I felt from the beginning. If its just a piece of paper why can't he do that for me? Its like I'm good enough to have a child with and a house but not good enough to marry? This is where the issue ism I've even asked him to be brutally honest..if he doesn't want to tell me so I can at least make a decision for my life. And our child's...but he has said he wants to marry me .I'm trying to figure outbif hevreally does or if he is just afraid to lose me...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

 

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

 

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

 

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

 

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.

[angel.eyes]

...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure

He's not afraid of losing you because you aren't the right person to be his life partner. He would prefer not to lose you for now while the relationship works for him. But you're not the person he sees himself marrying.

 

Hence the "not now" excuses and obstacles that are thrown your way, rather than straight up "nos." Obviously, if he told you no straight up, you would probably jettison out of a relationship that currently works for him. But if he's less adamant in his refusals, you'll string yourself along. Read other threads in this forum. Some women, often post-divorce and in their 40's living with their late 30's baby daddies hang on in their self-created limbo for 7 years, 9 years, 11 years, etc. Sorry, you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.

[Whodatdog]

Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.

 

You fit exactly into it. But I wouldnt expect you to see it, many people can't when they are in the middle of it.

[VeveCakes]

I wish it were that black and white. I will admit I'm a complicated person. All I know is, I gave up a lot to completely start over. I had already had my kids I was able to do more things go to school ect. I love my little girl to pieces but I gave up a lot fir this relationship, including a strained relationship with my other kids. He knew how I felt from the beginning. If its just a piece of paper why can't he do that for me? Its like I'm good enough to have a child with and a house but not good enough to marry? This is where the issue ism I've even asked him to be brutally honest..if he doesn't want to tell me so I can at least make a decision for my life. And our child's...but he has said he wants to marry me .I'm trying to figure outbif hevreally does or if he is just afraid to lose me...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure

 

I think it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good relationship over this, but if it is that important to you- then be an adult and ask him. Do you want to get married and if so what is the timeline. It actually is black and white you are just making it technocolour.

[Rubysmom22]

He's not afraid of losing you because you aren't the right person to be his life partner. He would prefer not to lose you for now while the relationship works for him. But you're not the person he sees himself marrying.

 

Hence the "not now" excuses and obstacles that are thrown your way, rather than straight up "nos." Obviously, if he told you no straight up, you would probably jettison out of a relationship that currently works for him. But if he's less adamant in his refusals, you'll string yourself along. Read other threads in this forum. Some women, often post-divorce and in their 40's living with their late 30's baby daddies hang on in their self-created limbo for 7 years, 9 years, 11 years, etc. Sorry, you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.

 

Wow ...negativity breeds on here like the plague. Thanks fir geberalizing my relationship. After all you've known us for years right? Its my fault tho I putbitvout there looking for some constructive advice... I see now that's not going to happen on a thread. Thanks anyway

[Rubysmom22]

I think it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good relationship over this, but if it is that important to you- then be an adult and ask him. Do you want to get married and if so what is the timeline. It actually is black and white you are just making it technocolour.

Again....I did ask him straight up, I don't beat around the bush , he says yes...nothing is or should be black and white

[Rubysmom22]

Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

 

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

 

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

 

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

 

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.[/quote

 

I'm not on his insurance, I have my own. In fact he doesn't have insurance. He also had sad fiance to his friends

[Rubysmom22]

Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

 

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

 

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

 

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

 

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.

I

 

I have my own insurance, in fact hevhas no insurance. He has also said fiance to other people too...

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, but you don't think that throwing away a perfectly good relationship over a piece of paper is ridiculous?

First world problems...

 

As I wrote before, he freaking paid for his GFs daughters wedding. That's a great gesture and REAL proof for commitment. Not some stupid outdated social tradition.

Again, entitled Western people with their first world problems. Can't see a good thing when they have it, always want more.

 

I wouldn't want a relationship where a guy would walk the talk of being fully committed to me.

 

What kind of BS is that?

 

I've always found guys who okay house have other serious commitment issues too. Anecdotal? Yes.

 

I know one guy who has cheated on his live-in girlfriend for 20 YEARS because "they aren't married." Seriously? He's disgusting.

 

If he's into her enough to HAVE A CHILD that ties them together for life maybe it's time for him to grow up and actually, legally, morally and securely respect her enough to fully commit to her.

 

A guy who wouldn't get married wouldn't be worth my time. To me it's not "good," it's half-arsed and inconsiderate at best.

[angel.eyes]

He also had sad fiance to his friends

...and yet he refuses to get engaged??? How does that work exactly? Ah, yes. Giving you enough so that you can string yourself along while refusing to actually take action.

 

Look. It's pretty clear that you're upset that posters aren't telling you what you hoped to hear--namely, of course he'll marry you honey and all will be well. Your worries are silly. Just stick those blinders on and dig your head in the sand every time his actions and choices don't match what you wish would happen.

 

I suspect deep down you know the truth but are having a tough time accepting it.

 

Again, read through other threads...or not. It's your life, choices, and time spent in limbo.

[Rubysmom22]

...and yet he refuses to get engaged??? How does that work exactly? Ah, yes. Giving you enough so that you can string yourself along while refusing to actually take action.

 

Look. It's pretty clear that you're upset that posters aren't telling you what you hoped to hear--namely, of course he'll marry you honey and all will be well. Your worries are silly. Just stick those blinders on and dig your head in the sand every time his actions and choices don't match what you wish would happen.

 

I suspect deep down you know the truth but are having a tough time accepting it.

 

Again, read through other threads...or not. It's your life, choices, and time spent in limbo.

Hey I'm use to hearing what I don't wantvto hear. I can take it. Im just sort of feeling like I'm being convinced he doesn't want to...or swayed to walk away. Like it just feels negative on here I mean is there no one who's gotten married at 5 years? How long is normal? Is there a normal? Like I said I am a clairvoyant and an empatg I feel this is the wrong place to be asking my questions...and before anyone throws the "if your clairvoyant why don't you kniwvthe answers " bit at me, when it comes to ourselves we don't always see our own crap. Like one poster said previous