Confessions Of The Other Woman

[cinnamonapples86]

I'm guessing somewhere behind the hard, cold exterior is the shred of a conscience that realizes not only is her behavior ethically and morally wrong, but that her lack of self-esteem allows her to justify her decision to remain in the triangle.

 

If OP were truly confident in her situation, I, too, wonder why she would seek validation on a message board.

 

Your perspective is all based on criticism simply because you don't understand or comprehend how someone could think opposite of what you have been taught is right. The only reason why I was on here to explain this was because I know that how I feel is not typical and I was wondering if other women have felt similarly. I'm not here for validation, but curiosity. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know if others have had similar experiences or feelings. Of course it is to you since you can only see the wrong in everything based on your own moral compass that does not apply to everyone. Trust me there is nothing about my self esteem that is lacking. My personal life is all the way together health-wise, financially, physically, and emotionally. You just regurgitate what other people have told you about people like me and not once have you questioned if that really does apply to everyone. If I am happy than how is my self esteem low? Oh because what makes me happy is not how other people would define happiness? Yeah, ok.

[CommittedToThis]

Your perspective is all based on criticism simply because you don't understand or comprehend how someone could think opposite of what you have been taught is right.

 

 

You sound like my ex; supply denied.

[cinnamonapples86]

If it is so great being in the position you are in (being the OW to a gf not even a wife) why aren't you out having fun instead of wondering if any other women are feeling the way you do? If it's so great why even care what others are doing?

 

So you should only ask if people have had similar situation if you are miserable? Are you implying that being happy means that you can't ask other people if they have experienced this as well? I had no clue that I needed to be miserable in order to ask about similar experiences...who knew!

[cinnamonapples86]

You sound like my ex; supply denied.[/quote

 

Oh so more than one person has said the same thing about you...interesting

[cinnamonapples86]

How? You only get him part time. You are #2 in his life. He has a GF, and he doesn't care enough about you to make you the primary - how is that being fully engaged? What is your future like, what life are you planning with your partner - who has a different, primary partner?

 

 

 

Are you saying you were his GF before, or that your prior relationships were unhealthy? How do you know he is honest, when he is lying to his primary GF every single day? Look, I have been an OW (but was never foolish enough to fall in love) and I have been a cheater. For people like me, lying comes easily, I bet it does for him as well. He is probably better at it than you realize.

 

 

 

 

Okay - so you had repressive and unhealthy sex life within a relationship. One doesn't have to cheat to find these things. These aren't the product of an affair, but the cons were by products of poor communication / bad relationship.

 

 

 

 

But all of your needs are being met? So, before you, I don't know, thought you deserved more, but now you are happy to settle for less?

 

You believe this is your path to happiness? That this is what you deserve?

 

Have you ever had a healthy relationship not built on lies?

 

 

I believe that different things work for different people. Who are we to conclude if something is or is not fulfilling to someone?

Edited December 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RecentChange]

So question cinnamon - you indicated that before you had higher standards, more complex needs, but that you have adjusted them down, and now this works great.

 

Where your standards just too high before, and now you realize that this is what is right for you?

 

Can you accept that you won't be welcome to family events, that you won't be paraded proudly in public. That you can't show off your bf to friends and family. Are you happy about that? Makes you feel proud and fulfilled?

[Foreverago]

Good for you if you are comfortable having a part time boyfriend

Yes, this is a special unique case: he was broken up with *just* a girlfriend when you met and he still went back. You're a mistress to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That's a special situation alright.

 

I'm gonna let myself out now. There's only so much lying to oneself I can stomach in a 24 hour period.

[CommittedToThis]

Oh so more than one person has said the same thing about you...interesting

 

One more reply then I'm ghost, circular arguments are for those with personality disorders.

 

Only one person who ever mattered to me, my ex gf, ever told me what I was thinking and how I felt.

 

And of course there's you. Good luck.

[stillafool]

So you should only ask if people have had similar situation if you are miserable? Are you implying that being happy means that you can't ask other people if they have experienced this as well? I had no clue that I needed to be miserable in order to ask about similar experiences...who knew!

 

I'm sorry because obviously I offended you by asking that queston. I was really thinking you must need someone to talk to about this because as an OW you may not be able to confide in friends and family about your affair.

[jenkins95]

Cinnamon, big (((hug))) to you.

 

Absolutely no judgement from me - I had a long, sordid affair as a MM. I thought I could control it, so did the ow. We thought we were so clever, with the perfect arrangement...until the sh*t hit the fan and it all came tumbling down.

 

I just want to reach out to you to stop. I can almost guarantee disaster if you continue on your current course. You seem so intelligent, articulate and attractive through your writing - please don't settle for the role of OW. Please don't do this to her any more. Please don't enable him to cake eat!

 

Of course, I know you very likely won't do this! Not on the strength of my and similar posts. I've stood in your shoes and I understand the addiction. At it's height, God himself could have presented himself to me and begged and I still wouldn't have stopped.

 

Sometimes, you only learn the hard way. I did and my xOW did - and we also destroyed two other hearts in the process. Suddenly, I didn't feel so clever. I really hope this doesn't happen to you. Do the right thing. I wish you all the best.

Edited December 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[anika99]

You say that you will someday find a replacement for him and then be a faithful partner to whoever the replacement is. I say as long as you are in love and actively engaged with this cheater you will never find a replacement. Do you really want to spend years of your life on this?

 

Your bf may be more honest with you than he is with his other gf because you have shown him that you have very low standards and so he doesn't have to hide anything from you. Oh I'm sure he heaps praise on you for your open mind and willingness to accept this role. He really does love that you are happy to accept your place so of course he's not going to say anything to make you think that maybe you deserve better.

 

However he will never make you the main woman. If he and his other gf break up he will get yet another gf and then continue his cheating ways with you. Just like some people complain that once they have been friend zoned by a romantic interest there is no getting out of that zone, you have been OW zoned. I guess if you are happy accepting your place as the easy fun then who are we to say you should want better.

[Quiet Storm]

Cognitive dissonance is when your mind justifies accepting something that normally would be unacceptable to you. It is a coping mechanism that helps to soften harsh realities and minimize truths that you aren't prepared to emotionally deal with yet.

 

Although you are shocked by feeling "OK with it", its not surprising, at all. Cognitive dissonance is our mind's subconscious way of justifying something that is against our values/ ethics. You aren't aware that your mind is playing tricks on you because you are so emotionally invested in the self deception.

 

Many other women have had the same feelings that you are having, only to waste years on the guy before finally realizing that he lies to her, too. And that yes, he really does love her, but it's a selfish kind of love that benefits him at the expense of you and his girlfriend/family.

 

Many MM do love the OW. OW can feel the love and see it in his eyes. What OW doesn't realize is that love is just not important to many men in the grand scheme of things. He can love you with his heart, body & soul and still have no problem dropping you when you become an inconvenience. It's a big mistake to assume that love carries the same importance for him that it has for you.

 

Many people on this board talk about how the MM grooms the OW into accepting less than what she deserves. What is often missed is the OWs "Self Grooming" that she does to herself, lowering her standards and expectations. This way she can still love him and enjoy him without feeling sad and disappointed.

 

It's a common coping mechanism that will leave you feeling happy and content for awhile, but it's only temporary. Then the nagging doubts start. You'll likely notice he's managing you the same way he manages his girlfriend. You'll notice that he's selfish. You'll realize that his love for you may be real, but that love is a low priority to him. It's just not important compared to his desire for self preservation, conflict avoidance, reputation, legacy, etc.

 

I know my post is unlikely to have an impact on you now, but hopefully you'll consider my words at some point in the future. These affairs create so much emotional pain, even if you are confident that you can handle the limitations. You have to act like your own parent sometimes and protect yourself from situations that have the potential to harm you, even when your heart leads you in a different direction. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Edited December 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I think there are many OWs who are happy in the role, it suits them. They get a p/t bf without the hassle and they do not have to put their heart on the chopping block as they know he is unavailable and that for some is great.

 

I do not believe Cinnamonapples is one of those nor is she happy here, because a) he is her ex bf and b) she loves him. She is besotted so he can do no wrong, but being his permanent no 2 will grate. Of course she doesn't quite believe that yet, he will ultimately choose her, of course he will...

 

She has persuaded herself that something is better than nothing while she "waits", and yes, she also gets some satisfaction at the same time by getting one over on the "chosen" gf too.

[IfonlyIknew]

Your "situationship", your title of this thread, the way things have panned out, this isn't reality. The man is living a dishonest double life, it doesn't sound appealing. I agree you may be curious in finding if others are in this lifestyle; If anything I hope you find you deserve more than this.

[DKT3]

So what happened to the guy that cheated on you?

[whichwayisup]

When did I say I didn't care about him? You might have missed the part where I said I was in love with him....but ok.

 

Yet you're settling for less. no birthday's, or holiday's. If he gets sick and ends up in the hospital, you won't be the one by his bedside. You get the short end of the stick, a secret and not a full part of HIS life meeting his family and friends. It's sad that you've settled for crap on stick, love or not, you lose. He will get married and have children... You'll still be his OW, a secret on the side.

 

I wish you would love and respect yourself more, set down your foot and tell him if he wants you, end it with his gf and then you can date in a proper way.

 

He may be 'honest' with you on some level, but HE is living a big fat lie by having a girlfriend and sneaking off with you.

[noelle303]

I'm guessing somewhere behind the hard, cold exterior is the shred of a conscience that realizes not only is her behavior ethically and morally wrong, but that her lack of self-esteem allows her to justify her decision to remain in the triangle.

 

If OP were truly confident in her situation, I, too, wonder why she would seek validation on a message board.

 

Honestly, you really can't group all other women into the same ''low self-esteem'' box. This was thrown so much at me when I started posting on this board, but in reality, I never had a low self-esteem issue, in fact, one could argue that the opposite was the case - it was too high.

 

I understand what the OP is saying; I liked being the OW. We had little expectations of each other, I had my freedom and a passionate, sparkling, exciting romance on the side. I was comfortable being his number two, because he didn't rank any higher on my list either. The difference was that I did not love him. I cared for him and liked him, but there wasn't any love. It worries me how long you can last loving someone and not getting that in return, or getting a shared piece. I honestly don't think you can last very long.

 

I also want to tell you now, almost 7 years later, social norms exist for a reason. It's because we live in a society with other people and that society would crumble if we didn't have certain rules to abide by.

 

I look back on the time of my affair and I realize that I was self-indulgent, self-centred, I wanted something and I didn't see a reason why I shouldn't get it. Now that I've grown up I realized that my personal freedom extends to right where another person's freedom begins. And I've massively overstepped that boundary and therefore brought a lot of hurt to another person. Me doing whatever I felt was right for me had a negative impact on someone's life and surroundings and while I still personally see the benefits of an affair, I know that I will never cross that boundary again.

[minimariah]

I believe that different things work for different people. Who are we to conclude if something is or is not fulfilling to someone?

 

you are right - absolutely. & if it's working out for you - good. it IS possible. however; i'm (personally) questioning how much of it was YOU and how much of it was your MM kind of forcing it on you. it's great if you're living the life the way you want BECAUSE you want it... it's not good if you're living it this way in order to adapt for some kind of greater cause (keeping this man around). it doesn't sound as if you really want or desire this life - especially having your previous threads in mind - it sounds as if you're so in love with this man that you'll do whatever HE wants & needs... it's almost as if you're trying to convince yourself and us how much better you are as an OW in comparison to your #1 role before in that same relationship.

[CommittedToThis]

Honestly, you really can't group all other women into the same ''low self-esteem'' box.

 

Hi, great post, thank you for the cool thoughts. There's something to be said about maturity and wisdom with age.

 

As far as the issue of low self-esteem, I was hypothesizing the situation as pertains to the OP in particular, not women in general.

 

God knows I've had the good fortune of knowing some great women with healthy, awesome self-esteem, they're interesting and generally fun people.

 

Makes me want one now, and I don't mean one with a boyfriend or a husband.

[Jessie1231]

Because of what other posters said, I read your other threads. A very long time ago, when I was maybe 26, I was the OW. And I told myself that I felt the way you're telling yourself you feel now. He and I worked together. He was the CFO of the company where I worked. Not my direct boss, but someone in a management role. He adored me. He supported me. Emotionally and financially and of course physically. He and his wife were "just partners" making things work for their son - in your case I don't think there's even a kid so that should be even harder to buy.

 

But he and I were soulmates. We just fit. It was so so perfect and I told myself that what I had with him was perfect and I was ok with it no matter what anyone else thought - and people thought things because we worked together so there were rumors. But I was so so happy. He was so loving and honest and all around good to me. I actually felt sorry for his wife for getting so much less than I knew I was getting.

 

And then we were found out. By our employer. He lost his job but got a huge severance package to go away quietly. I was kept on but everyone knew so I quickly began looking for another job. And he did the most logical normal thing for any man in his situation to do - he completely forgot me and moved on with his life. And it completely broke me. I had been completely ok with our situation because I had been so sure that that wouldn't always be our situation - because he cared and because what we had was so special. But he didn't and it wasn't.

 

If you think you're enjoying this now, then enjoy every single second you can because there is no happy ending for you in this. There is nothing serious keeping this man from treating you like you actually mean something to him, but he's still not doing it. Say as much as you like that isn't doesn't bother you, but when you think about the person spending time with his family and friends during holidays and any special occasions while you're alone, you have to know in your heart that this isn't what you've ever wanted or deserved.

[LexiCat29]

If you love being the other woman so much then why did you feel the need to start this thread defending how wonderful it is to be the other woman? The lady doth protest too much methinks.

 

This whole thread feels like the diary entry of someone who's trying to convince themselves of their own happiness.

[sadgirl17]

This is my first time being in a "situationship" where I am involved with a man who has a girlfriend. It didn't start off that way. He was newly single and we dated for a few months but he was not over her yet so him and his ex tried to work things out but he didn't want to let me go so they got back together to see if they can give it another shot and he continues to see me at the same time.

 

Being the "other woman" has made me realize something about myself that I never knew before. That I am oddly comfortable and ok in this situation. I was someone who had been cheated on before so I always hated the idea of women knowingly being involved with taken men so to see how I am handling this is even shocking to both him and myself. He told me that he never thought in a million years that I'd agree to this but he is equally as shocked that he's cheating on her. He told me I had some strange pull over him that he can't explain. He's tries to end it and a few times I tried to but he always calls me back two days later saying he needs me in his life.

 

The first thing is that I did fall in love with him and I believe he has done the same. His actions are not of a man who is getting something on the side. He is completely and fully engaged in my life like a partner.

 

 

Another strange thing is that I notice that I feel more relaxed then I have ever felt in previous relationships. And here's why:

 

 

1.) As the other woman, he is always 100% honest with me about everything so we have open and excellent communication and it surprisingly built a lot of trust between us. He tells me that he could talk to me about anything. When I was the GF I was getting lied to constantly and we'd argue because I knew he was a full of **** liar and it broke down our trust and communication.

 

 

2.) As the other woman our sex life is always wild, passionate, adventurous and fun! He wanted to do all the things his gf wouldn't let him do and I felt desired and sexually liberated enough to do it with him. Our sexual openness created a lot of trust between us. When I was the gf, I cared too much about my image as his "good girl" and he never wanted to ask me to do certain things because he felt it was disrespectful. We both ended up being unfulfilled in our sex lives.

 

 

3.) As the other woman, things never get boring or dull between us. We never spend enough time around each other to create any routines. Our conversations are always new and interesting. All the anticipation always keeps things fresh. He tells me that he is more excited and happy to see me than he is to see her. As the gf, we lived together, saw each other every day and things started to get...boring and predictable. We fell into a routine and no matter how hard we tried to break it, it just felt forced.

 

 

4.) As the other woman, my expectations of him are not very high so we never argued about anything because as much as I love him, I know I couldn't let my emotions get too carried away so there is nothing to ever overreact to. No overreacting to missed calls or unanswered text messages, no overreacting about where he is and who he is with...and I DEFINITELY could never get mad about him being with her. It was not my place to do so so I never did. So we NEVER argued about anything! NOT ONCE! As a result, he just naturally started to do more stuff with me. He also felt more and more comfortable with me. As the gf, I had high expectations and high standards that he always needed to meet. He needed to spend time, call me regularly, tell me what he's doing and when, and he definitely couldn't be with other women. This created tension and arguments.

 

 

5) It is impossible for me to "lose myself" in the relationship as the other woman. I knew the situation so it gave me more time to focus on myself, and my career, and detach from him when necessary. I could go freely live my life without feeling obligated to him in any way. As the gf, we both lost ourselves in our relationship. Both of our worlds revolved around each other. This also caused us to start to dislike each other.

 

 

The only bad thing about being the other woman is that you don't get any recognition amongst family. You don't get invites to special family events, holidays, work events, and you don't meet all the important people in his life. But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship.

 

 

I guess it's strange for me to see how easily I fit into this role with very little complaints. People like to blame it on low self esteem or low value but I definitely don't have low self esteem. I just don't follow the same rules that society has taught us all to follow and that's okay. Why do I HAVE to care about another woman if all my needs are being met? Sure, I can find someone else and when I meet a good replacement I will be faithful to him but for now, I have the man I want. And he gives me everything I ask for. He's always available for me and he is good to me.

 

 

I'm just wondering if any other women feel similarly or am I the weirdo here?

 

Hi,

I guess I'm one of the very few OWs who happened to share your views. Yes, I truly believe we as human beings have free will and can do whatever we want as long as we feel happy without the need to abide by certain social standards. However, as someone above already mentioned, the rules are in place for a reason. You may not see it now but you probably will.

 

I only have one question for you. HOW LONG have you been his other woman?

 

I've been the other woman for almost 2 years. To be honest, in the beginning, I felt the exact same way, line by line. It's like you're articulating my thoughts on here. It amazes me how we can have the precisely similar thinking. However, yes, there's always HOWEVER, life never goes as we plan. As time goes by, things did change radically, unfortunately, towards a negative direction for me. As my feelings for him grew stronger each day, I gradually felt all the hurt and pain of being a side piece and it's suddenly not that fun anymore. I'm not saying it will not end well for you. All I'm saying is that, don't jump into any conclusion too early. Take your time. If it's been several years and you still feel this way, then congratulations.

 

I wish you all the best. I'm actually happy for you if you can carry on without feeling anything negative about the situation in the long run. Hope to hear your update in a few years' time!!

 

One more thing I'd also like to note. The idea that you can date others while your heart being tied to MM is a real fantasy. I've tried it myself too and failed miserably. While on dates with other men, all I think of is how interesting my MM is and how much I miss him and want to be with him. Anyway, just my experience, you can be the exception though. Just want to share with you how things can sound great (i.e. having MM and still able to date other men and move on when you find someone new) but are not realistic at all.

[Gloria25]

Well, I'm usually the oddball (in more ways than one), so here goes...

 

Years ago I was with a guy for almost six years. He lived with the mother of his kid and wasn't married to her, so I guess they were considered "common law".

 

He lived like two houses down from me and it worked out for me. I (like I am to this day) had a full life of my relatives, work, friends, and school. I wasn't looking for kids and/or marriage - just regular "company". I also go out by myself to this day (to mall movies, whatever), so it's not like I need (ed) someone to do things with.

 

I guess also, some people like myself, only have enough tolerate to be around people...essentially, I prefer contact with people in small doses. So a part-time lover/bf was right up my alley.

 

I heard recently that Audrey Hepburn was involved with a married guy for years. She never married and/or had kids. So, the whole "white picket fence" and rugrats isn't for everyone and as long as you're not hurting others and are going into it with eyes open, then it's all good. IMO.

 

I haven't found anything like him since and it's been a frustrating ride. I don't wanna sleep around, but want company now/then. I also fear that cuz I don't want kids and can handle my bills and got my own stuff (car, home), I'm not attractive to guys who want women to depend on them and are not capable of having a lasting marriage if it doesn't involve kids. Lastly, while I believe that I'm a cool and sociable person, I often am quiet and stoic and fear that will be a turn off to guys. With recent dude he sorta was saying that there wasn't much to learn about him and like me, he seems quiet and does more listening than talking and I was happy about that cuz I was hoping that he'd be cool with a sorta introvert like me...

 

So, not sure how long your "situationship" will last. It may not be for everyone and is not the "norm", so you're gonna get a lot of bashing over it.

 

[Poppy47]

Well put Sadgirl.

 

Your experience mirrors my own. I was fine and believed it was my right to exercise my freedom in any way I chose. That was for the first couple of years.

After that, I became really bonded with xMM and the pain set in.

 

It took a while to realise that nothing was ever going to change. He would always have to be home for dinner at 5pm , always have to go shopping with the wife on Thursday evenings, always have to spend holidays with the family.

 

I also attempted to date other men. It was the wrong thing to do as my heart wasn't in it and it was unfair to them.

 

Cinnamon, please read and think about what experience has shown us. YOu will find the same story over and over again. Nobody disputes your right to do whatever you please. We at LS are able to offer you a wealth of experience.

We all thought we were invincible, we were different and that we were THE ONE. Most of us fell on our faces.

 

I think you are living in a lovely pink affair haze at the moment. Reality will set in before long.

 

Poppy.

[LexiCat29]

Just to add..why should someone's happiness be at the expense of someone else's happiness? Why do you deserve happiness more than his girlfriend?

 

Because remember..it's not just about you.