When an affair turns into a fwb arrangement

[sandylee1]

The analogies are spot on actually, but it's not swapping like with like. It's swapping a bad arrangement for a worse arrangement.

 

You go from being a secret lay he pretends to care about, to being a secret lay, he doesn't even have to pretend to keep the benefits rolling in.

 

If it's off the charts sex and that's your only goal, then it may work for you .... that's until his wife finds out and you get the backlash.

 

FWBs aren't meant to be such hard work though. They should be easy peasy. ... shag and go without the drama or the hassle.

[sadgirl17]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Here are my thoughts:

- Many said being in any kind of relationship with a married person would still be called an affair. Ok, I agree. I'm not so much into the changing of name either. I just use those terms to separate the two different arrangements. Now I know I'm heading for a fwb affair then.

- The reason I believe fwb will be better than be an affair is because it's like going from a full-time affair into a part-time affair. My goal is to distance myself from him emotionally while I still have a stable sexual partner.

- As for the analogy of swapping a banana for sth similar or worse. I don't necessarily agree. As far as I know, there're no benefits to being in an affair. If there's any, the hurt and pain far outweigh the "benefits". In my relationship, he'd call me every day, but only when he's "free", when it's convenient for him. Whenever I call him, he'd certainly be unavailable, busy with work or family, which leaves me angry and frustrated. With time, I stop calling him altogether. And I'm tired of waiting for his calls. So I think to myself, if this affair turns in to a purely sexual thing, it'd be much fairer for me. Then, I'd no longer have to be play the role of an emotional dumpster for him. We're equal.

- And why I can't give him up? Well, it's very hard for me to like someone. It's true I'd rather have him part-time then someone else full-time. I'm done looking for that prince charming who belongs to just me. Being divorced has made me jaded. I no longer believe in love but I still need sex. The thought of going online searching for casual sexual partners to fulfill my physical needs just terrify me. I'd rather have sex with MM.

[Foreverago]

- And why I can't give him up? Well, it's very hard for me to like someone. It's true I'd rather have him part-time then someone else full-time. I'm done looking for that prince charming who belongs to just me. Being divorced has made me jaded. I no longer believe in love but I still need sex. The thought of going online searching for casual sexual partners to fulfill my physical needs just terrify me. I'd rather have sex with MM.

 

So you want to continue being even more jaded by creating a self fulfilling prophecy of not having love by cutting yourself off from the possibilities of others? That's...depressing.

 

I think casual sex partners would be healthier than this, but you have to live with your pain, not me. Hopefully you'll come to a time in your life that you can get over your fear of trying out people who are better choices than a guy who is betraying his spouse and helping you stay jaded.

[oceansaway]

It's possible but only if you "use" him...like he is "using" you. Keep emotions (if possible) out of it.

[Southern Sun]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Here are my thoughts:

- Many said being in any kind of relationship with a married person would still be called an affair. Ok, I agree. I'm not so much into the changing of name either. I just use those terms to separate the two different arrangements. Now I know I'm heading for a fwb affair then.

- The reason I believe fwb will be better than be an affair is because it's like going from a full-time affair into a part-time affair. My goal is to distance myself from him emotionally while I still have a stable sexual partner.

- As for the analogy of swapping a banana for sth similar or worse. I don't necessarily agree. As far as I know, there're no benefits to being in an affair. If there's any, the hurt and pain far outweigh the "benefits". In my relationship, he'd call me every day, but only when he's "free", when it's convenient for him. Whenever I call him, he'd certainly be unavailable, busy with work or family, which leaves me angry and frustrated. With time, I stop calling him altogether. And I'm tired of waiting for his calls. So I think to myself, if this affair turns in to a purely sexual thing, it'd be much fairer for me. Then, I'd no longer have to be play the role of an emotional dumpster for him. We're equal.

- And why I can't give him up? Well, it's very hard for me to like someone. It's true I'd rather have him part-time then someone else full-time. I'm done looking for that prince charming who belongs to just me. Being divorced has made me jaded. I no longer believe in love but I still need sex. The thought of going online searching for casual sexual partners to fulfill my physical needs just terrify me. I'd rather have sex with MM.

 

So you're saying you only had "hurt and pain" because your relationship was labeled an affair? And that caused you to have certain expectations of him?

 

Not because you actually have feelings for him?

 

You're telling me that by changing (lowering) your expectations, your feelings are going to magically disappear?

 

I think many of us here would love to know the formula for that. I'm afraid you might be indulging in some wishful thinking. But here's hoping!

 

(I never liked bananas all that much anyway).

[whichwayisup]

My goal is to distance myself from him emotionally while I still have a stable sexual partner.

 

Impossible. Sorry but you're fooling yourself if you believe you can have casual sex with him and detach. It's still an affair because he's married. You'll still be the OW.

 

Why not just end it, grieve the loss and find another man you connect with who is single and have NSA with you.

[sandylee1]

So because you didn't have a good marriage, you believe that defines the notion that true love first exist? Or that you have no chance of finding it? Because your thought process isn't consistent with that of a fully functioning rational adult.

 

To almost quote a long time member here, women can get NSA sex easily. So many guys are searching for that (even single ones).

 

You could get a FWB arrangement with a single man, without contributing to what could very well hurt an innocent woman and any children that may be involved.

 

I bet if any OW here was told or asked if she was a person to hurt children, she'd deny it with a vengeance. Hurting someone doesn't require direct contact with them though ...... at the end of the day, it seems you've made your mind up, so it would be good to know how the new arrangement (which is really a f**k buddy, not FWB), is working for you 6 months down the line.

 

If you really think you can't do any better

That the dating pool is so rubbish

That you can't attract an available man

 

..... then barring CBT to change your negative thought process, this may be the role for you and suit you down to the ground.

[LargoLagg]

Isn't that ultimately what an affair is anyway? You're not exclusive. You're not dating in the normal sense. He gets to bang you.

 

The difference in FWB from what you have is that no emotions should be involved. Purely a sexual thing, but you both being friends and you can hang out together.

This certainly isn't always true. It might start out unemotional, but usually, one person "catches" feelings. Also, an FWB might not want to hang out. She may or may not care if they are sexually exclusive, especially if no feelings are caught. An FWB may tolerate her man having a wife or a GF. It's just a no-to-few-strings attached sexual arrangement. Generally, the fewer, the better.

 

What's the difference between an affair and an FWB arrangement in your mind?

Edited December 21, 2016 by LargoLagg

[BluesPower]

SadGirl - I totally get it.

 

I know everyone is poo pooing your idea but I totally get it. I have done this. It does not make it less wrong from a moral standpoint because he is married, but at least you are single.

 

One of the main problems with affairs is the feelings that people get and everything gets confused. If you can condition yourself to let go and enjoy what you have, I say go for it.

 

I have had this work out several times so it can be done.

[Miss Clavel]

Hello everyone, I just wonder if anyone has had this experience or heard of one: turning an affair into a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you have, was it a successful attempt? I hope to learn from your experiences.

 

My background: I'm a divorced, single OW who has been involved with an MM for almost 2 years. Like many OWs on here, I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece. I know NC is the best way to go but I can't seem to stay away from him no matter how hard I try (multiple breakups and getting backs). Lately I've been thinking maybe I should stop talking to him on a daily basis and we'd only text each other to meet up. I really hope it will work because I can't give him up but I'm too tired of the dramas already.

 

Please answer my specific question above if you can. I'm not looking for advice like stop seeing him, go NC. I've read countless of things like that on here but sadly I can't do it. ((

 

maybe, you started to go thru it but you didn't get all the way thru?

 

and i think the FWB is merely stripping down the affair to the bare bones, sortof calling a spade a spade? he's not leaving his family and you're gettin off the roller coaster? you're tired of dressing this up as, uh, a tragic love that's not meant to be. removing the drama and finally getting what you want out of it?

 

you want good, reliable, safe sex with someone you not only know but know can't hurt you? well, anymore.

 

it's sound very practical. get on, get off, get out. with the added bonus that when he figures it out, that you're no longer interested in any other part of his body, his drama or his life, it's going to sting. hahaha

 

when i finally quit drinking, because it wasn't healthy for me to continue i didn't "chip" away at the bottle. i didn't cut back, cut down, i quit, cold turkey. i didn't decide that i could go from addict to casual user.

 

because that was the advice i received from other people that quit, successfully.

 

they said that the smallest amount of any drug would create the phenomenon of craving. i didn't listen. i had a few pops straight out of the bottle i kept in my room. which lead me to start looking for my car keys and checking how soon happy hour discounts would start. wash rinse repeat.

 

once i quit, taking nothing, i got well. for good.

 

with the added bonus, once i went all the way thru the withdrawal, i had a lot more free time. the time i'd been wasting i could now use to my advantage.

 

good luck

[Foreverago]

I

SadGirl - I totally get it.

 

I know everyone is poo pooing your idea but I totally get it. I have done this. It does not make it less wrong from a moral standpoint because he is married, but at least you are single.

 

One of the main problems with affairs is the feelings that people get and everything gets confused. If you can condition yourself to let go and enjoy what you have, I say go for it.

 

I have had this work out several times so it can be done.

 

I disagree with you. Sure, she may be able to condition herself to stop feeling so she can have unemotional sex, but there's a lot of issues here why I think saying go for it is a poor choice. You were open to your affair partners, she's been in this situation for two years and has been hurting. There's a difference even if they are both shady.

 

She already has feelings.

 

He's married, there's more risk of pain to her and his family because of it. If she's that capable of shutting off her feelings then she's more than capable of getting over her fear of online dating and finding suitable casual sex partners if she truly doesn't want a relationship.

 

Can FWB be a thing? Absolutely. With someone you are a friend with. This is already way too messy to be that.

 

I think as a support group, the whole idea should be to help people get healthy. What she is wanting is going to hurt her a lot in the long run. Someone who ignores their feelings and lie to themselves will find them compensating with other inappropriate ways of managing them. Morally or not, the problem isn't just the affair (it's the cause but not the full issue), it's that she's already hurting and trying to find ways to control that when there's better ways to cope.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Foreverago
Written before coffee, mistakes

[elaine567]

Hello everyone, I just wonder if anyone has had this experience or heard of one: turning an affair into a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you have, was it a successful attempt? I hope to learn from your experiences.

 

My background: I'm a divorced, single OW who has been involved with an MM for almost 2 years. Like many OWs on here, I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece. I know NC is the best way to go but I can't seem to stay away from him no matter how hard I try (multiple breakups and getting backs). Lately I've been thinking maybe I should stop talking to him on a daily basis and we'd only text each other to meet up. I really hope it will work because I can't give him up but I'm too tired of the dramas already.

 

First of all you should listen to Miss Clavel, you can't stop being an alcoholic by keeping a bottle of vodka in your cupboard.

 

I also do not see this working out well for you.

Yes, you need sex and you want a ready supply available for when you need it, I get that, but it seems to me that in affairs the MM calls the shots as he is the one that can get away/cannot get away.

He often minimises that reality by being available to talk, he keeps you on board by the sweet talking. If you strip it all back to just sex (and he may be very willing to do that actually), then you may find that he is only available when HE is horny for you, and if he has a wife then in reality that may not be very often, or not as often as you would like perhaps.

 

If you demote yourself to a free call girl, then do not be surprised if he then starts treating you like that too.

Had this been a fwb relationship from the start, and you had never had any feelings for him - then great.

 

However as you do have feelings, then you will still be waiting patiently by the phone for him to call, you will still be frustrated when he is "busy" and I doubt the "wham bam thank you ma'am", booty call sex will go down very well with you long term either.

YOUR ego no doubt already took a big hit when you realised you were never going to be his #1, so do not allow yourself to be relegated to just a booty call. Self sabotage can be a real thing and I can see here that you are trying to justify this downward step.

 

I think you need to find an available and horny, single guy who would be only too happy to ditch whatever he is doing to satisfy your needs, day or night.

YOUR ego needs a boost here.

[sadgirl17]

SadGirl - I totally get it.

 

I know everyone is poo pooing your idea but I totally get it. I have done this. It does not make it less wrong from a moral standpoint because he is married, but at least you are single.

 

One of the main problems with affairs is the feelings that people get and everything gets confused. If you can condition yourself to let go and enjoy what you have, I say go for it.

 

I have had this work out several times so it can be done.

 

Hi, Thank you very much for your support. Actually, I got inspired by the below, which was written by someone one the internet, too.

 

"So, if it is an escape, keep it an escape. This is how you ensure it goes on for a long time. The minute you get too serious, too comfortable, make demands, is when it will all start to fall apart. Live in the moment. Do not question. Do not ask for "I love you's", do not let it interfere with your daily life, do not make it a priority. In other words, do what you can to keep it a protected little fantasy. So many factors will threaten to destroy it. But if you want it enough and need the escape in your life, you must protect it. Do not try to hold onto it too hard. Know what I mean? Accept it for what it IS. Not what it could be. Just enjoy it and leave it alone."

[Foreverago]

Hi, Thank you very much for your support. Actually, I got inspired by the below, which was written by someone one the internet, too.

 

"So, if it is an escape, keep it an escape. This is how you ensure it goes on for a long time. The minute you get too serious, too comfortable, make demands, is when it will all start to fall apart. Live in the moment. Do not question. Do not ask for "I love you's", do not let it interfere with your daily life, do not make it a priority. In other words, do what you can to keep it a protected little fantasy. So many factors will threaten to destroy it. But if you want it enough and need the escape in your life, you must protect it. Do not try to hold onto it too hard. Know what I mean? Accept it for what it IS. Not what it could be. Just enjoy it and leave it alone."

 

That sounds so much like drug abuse. But you'll understand when reality hits. And it always does.

I'm sorry for the pain you'll be going through in the future.

Good luck OP.

[sadgirl17]

That sounds so much like drug abuse. But you'll understand when reality hits. And it always does.

I'm sorry for the pain you'll be going through in the future.

Good luck OP.

 

Really? I've never used drug so I really have no idea what drug abuse is like. can you enlighten me on this? Like how and what's most likely to happen once I go down on this road? I don't think the pain will be any more worse than what I'm going through now tho. May be I'm too broken to think like a normal person again. But pls, I'm interested to hear more from you. Esp the part I bolded.

[BuddyX]

The one question you have to ask yourself: how will you feel once he cuts it off?

Because it will happen. Then you can't comeback and say "I'm hurt".

[sadgirl17]

 

it's sound very practical. get on, get off, get out. with the added bonus that when he figures it out, that you're no longer interested in any other part of his body, his drama or his life, it's going to sting. hahaha

 

 

Are you saying that he'd feel HURT the moment he figures this out or what?? What do you think will go on in his mind? I tend to think he wouldn't give a s***.

[sadgirl17]

The one question you have to ask yourself: how will you feel once he cuts it off?

Because it will happen. Then you can't comeback and say "I'm hurt".

 

Very good point. Thank you! But, as I've mentioned above, I don't think I can feel any worse than now.

[Bufo]

This is not a 2x4. But I see an inherent contradiction in your postings.

 

You want out of the A yet want a FWB situation with your A partner. If you want out of the emotional ties of the A, why is it necessary that he be he FWB. If you don't want emotional attachment, wouldn't any competent lover fill the bill ?

 

 

You really want him on terms you and he will mutually accept. But the key words are "wanting him". What is so special about him if you don't want emotions involved?

[sadgirl17]

This is not a 2x4. But I see an inherent contradiction in your postings.

 

You want out of the A yet want a FWB situation with your A partner. If you want out of the emotional ties of the A, why is it necessary that he be he FWB. If you don't want emotional attachment, wouldn't any competent lover fill the bill ?

 

 

You really want him on terms you and he will mutually accept. But the key words are "wanting him". What is so special about him if you don't want emotions involved?

 

OK. Let me explain what's going on. I'm tired of being in the A with all the dramas. I don't want to be in a relationship, with him or anyone else either. The best course of action would be to leave him completely and find a sex partner, right? But it's not that simple. I'm too tired to look for someone because I know how hard it is for me to find someone I can actually like, let alone have sex with. So I figure if I just want sex, why not keep seeing him, just as a sex partner? Does it make sense now? And you're right. I don't know what's so special about him either. Probably because I truly like him a lot and it's the easiest option.

[BuddyX]

Very good point. Thank you! But, as I've mentioned above, I don't think I can feel any worse than now.

 

Don't want to scare you, but it will get worst. Another LS member said it best. It was pertaining to both spouses cheating, but I think this applies to your situation as well.

 

"Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day he or you will disappear because your partners find out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

[Foreverago]

It

Really? I've never used drug so I really have no idea what drug abuse is like. can you enlighten me on this? Like how and what's most likely to happen once I go down on this road? I don't think the pain will be any more worse than what I'm going through now tho. May be I'm too broken to think like a normal person again. But pls, I'm interested to hear more from you. Esp the part I bolded.

 

 

So let's take some drug, any addictive one really, and at first you think you are in control. You use it recreationally, it feels good. And then you want a little bit more. And then a little more to get the same high. In an affair case, you want more of his time and his love.

 

You've twisted your brain into "needing" it to get through the day. Pretty soon, it's overtaking your life. It's on your mind all the time. Other things don't seem as good and God forbid you go without it. Withdrawal is a medical.emergency, in the affair case, heart break.

 

And now, you feel like you can take control back. But you feel empty so you think you can enjoy just a little bit of it and you'll remain in control unlike last time.

 

And that's when you overdose. Because you don't know your limits and you are not in control of him. A FWB really only works with a clean slate. You are already addicted to his high.

 

So now the bolded part. Let me repeat: You are NOT in control of him, he's a drug to you but he's another living being with choices. He can walk away anytime and you are left in a really bad position. The reality is, he doesn't belong to you. He has a whole safety net and life to continue on with that has zero to do with you. He'll survive with ease when he chooses to leave and you'll be left with an addiction and no supply. That'll hurt you way more than going through the pain of moving on by your own choice.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Foreverago

[HeCantBreakMe]

OK. Let me explain what's going on. I'm tired of being in the A with all the dramas. I don't want to be in a relationship, with him or anyone else either. The best course of action would be to leave him completely and find a sex partner, right? But it's not that simple. I'm too tired to look for someone because I know how hard it is for me to find someone I can actually like, let alone have sex with. So I figure if I just want sex, why not keep seeing him, just as a sex partner? Does it make sense now? And you're right. I don't know what's so special about him either. Probably because I truly like him a lot and it's the easiest option.

 

If it was just about 'sex' you could go find it with someone else. There are plenty of handsome men out there willing to do a FWB relationship with a cute girl. You want this man because you have feelings for him and that is what you want- sex with feelings with someone you care about (like a boyfriend but in this case it isn't because he is MM). You can feel worse actually - and you will have to feel worse if you want to heal and move forward. Sort of like letting the infection bleed out of the wound - it hurts like a b** but eventually the infection is gone and you can heal.

 

I have done both and holding on to something that isn't really yours no matter what language you use to convince yourself you are okay, well this is what hurts worse then anything.

[whichwayisup]

OK. Let me explain what's going on. I'm tired of being in the A with all the dramas. I don't want to be in a relationship, with him or anyone else either. The best course of action would be to leave him completely and find a sex partner, right? But it's not that simple. I'm too tired to look for someone because I know how hard it is for me to find someone I can actually like, let alone have sex with. So I figure if I just want sex, why not keep seeing him, just as a sex partner? Does it make sense now? And you're right. I don't know what's so special about him either. Probably because I truly like him a lot and it's the easiest option.

 

Again, it won't work because you're emotionally invested and attached to him. You feel PAIN from him, that's not going to go away because you say it's not an affair it's an fwb. He'd still be cheating on his wife with you and that's an affair, making you the OW.

 

How about end it and heal, bond with your women friends and find happiness without having a guy around. Buy a toy for yourself, less drama and no pain!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Again, it won't work because you're emotionally invested and attached to him. You feel PAIN from him, that's not going to go away because you say it's not an affair it's an fwb. He'd still be cheating on his wife with you and that's an affair, making you the OW.

 

How about end it and heal, bond with your women friends and find happiness without having a guy around. Buy a toy for yourself, less drama and no pain!

 

Honestly, I think taking a vacation from men in general would be the best for you. Find yourself and what makes you happy. Get into therapy and live your life for you. Set a timeline - you wont date for xyz months or a year- and take care of you. There is NOTHING wrong with that but there is something wrong in thinking you 'need' sex or someone else to make you happy. You will never find happiness in this case.