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Struggling to trust new girlfriend :( [update: Girlfriend cheated - how to end it]

HumanMachine

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enddeck Established Member

enddeck

Posted
Posted
Rather than a story; i'll use bullet points..

 

Gf had me and another guy fwb before we got together

We started rship

I said that I want the other guy out it the picture completely, she agrees

2 months later he pops up on whatsapp, general chit chat

I end it, she cries and begs for me back, I give her a chance, she blocks him and shows me

2 months later (today) he pops up again on whatsapp, again general chit chat

I packed her things whilst she was asleep, when she woke up I told her to leave, she refuses

Cue waterworks, screaming, begging

 

She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

She picks me, proceeds to block/delete him off everything (again..)

 

I feel pathetic just typing this..

That's because you are pathetic.She is in an open relationship but you haven't been informed.And you want to bring her on vacation,just give her both tickets and she can bring the guy she really wants to be with.

I'm sorry for being so hard on you but you have caught her twice,how many times have you not caught her.Take a break from relationships and try and figure out why you are willing to put up with this behaviour from your (and his) girlfriend.

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

Posted
Posted
Thank you

 

Initially it popped up on her phone whilst she was asleep, so unashamedly I had to dig deeper, as I am about to book a vacation for us both to go on next month.

 

Admittedly I lied about snooping through her phone, I said that I had a bad dream and it put thoughts in my head about them two still talking. She at first lied, then I asked her to swear on a family member's life that she wasn't still communicating with him, she then crumbled.

 

She went back to sleep. I am downstairs regretting my decision to give her another chance.

 

So if I understand correctly, in both occasions, she was chatting with him without any intention to tell you about it, and the second time she even lied about it when you asked her. All this under her promise to cut him completely.

 

Well, in my eyes, to have an inoccent chat with an ex, doesn't have to be a deal breaker, and can be forgiven. The problem it happened twice after explicit commitment to cut him, and the lies is the worst.

 

About the issue whether she must cut this guy or not, her claim is legit, but if she thinks she can't cut him completely (as she said), she should have told you that back then, and not leading you on, saying she agrees, and then to lie and to break her word. And if she changed her mind, she should have came to you and talk to you about it. not to hide it.

 

I believe that dishonesty is something that only get worse in time. She won't be more honest in the future. Only less and less. It's ok that you gave her a second chance, after the first time. You didn't know she will do it again. Unfortunatly, if you drop it now and give her another chance, she will learn that you don't stick to your word.

 

You can tell her that you agree with her that she shouldn't cut this guy completely. Now she has the freedom to see him as much as she likes, bye bye, have a nice life.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted
I feel pathetic just typing this..

That's because you already know what you need to do! Dump her for good and don't look back.

 

The alternative is to take her back yet again and continue the cat and mouse games while she resumes contact with her FWB. That's the promise given with those waterworks and the declaration about not being able to cut people out of her life.

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted

I canceled her instead. Life's too phukking short to deal with other men sniffing around and the woman encouraging it. Just choose women who don't have this need.

 

But but but ......"you are just insecure and controlling". :lmao:

I agree 100%.

i'm not insecure i'm just not stupid.

 

controlling? i don't tell them they cant hang out and get drunk with guys who just want to sleep with them I just tell them i have no interest in dating women who do that.

however i do offer FWB. :)

 

Sadly i meet very few women in their late 30's/early 40's who don't have an extensive universe of orbiters.

 

it's like before even the first date and we are talking on the phone they mention 3 different guy friends who have done favors for them.

 

"oh i was in line for black friday at midnight and my friend dave brought me coffee. he's so sweet" :sick: Yeah, i gotta go. lol.

  • Like 2
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
Thank you

 

Initially it popped up on her phone whilst she was asleep, so unashamedly I had to dig deeper, as I am about to book a vacation for us both to go on next month.

 

Admittedly I lied about snooping through her phone, I said that I had a bad dream and it put thoughts in my head about them two still talking. She at first lied, then I asked her to swear on a family member's life that she wasn't still communicating with him, she then crumbled.

 

She went back to sleep. I am downstairs regretting my decision to give her another chance.

 

I assume she is just staying at your place?

Does she have a key?

Wait until she leaves, bag her crap and leave it on the porch.

 

Text her it's over and her stuff is on the porch then have your friends over to tell her to take off if she tries to talk to you after she comes to get her crap.

 

end it.

don't waste your money on a trip.

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
But but but ......"you are just insecure and controlling". :lmao:

I agree 100%.

i'm not insecure i'm just not stupid.

 

controlling? i don't tell them they cant hang out and get drunk with guys who just want to sleep with them I just tell them i have no interest in dating women who do that.

however i do offer FWB. :)

 

Sadly i meet very few women in their late 30's/early 40's who don't have an extensive universe of orbiters.

 

it's like before even the first date and we are talking on the phone they mention 3 different guy friends who have done favors for them.

 

"oh i was in line for black friday at midnight and my friend dave brought me coffee. he's so sweet" :sick: Yeah, i gotta go. lol.

 

Any female with an unbalanced harem of friends that is considerably men is simply living life no different than a NPD and it has became the "norm" these days.

 

Why? Because these men supply the self-esteem or needs.

OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

Posted
Posted

You made a mistake and your self esteem will pay for it. When you set boundaries, you decide exactly how many chances a person gets and then you enforce them.

 

Anything more than 2 chances then you might as well just become a doormat and call it a day. You said you feel pathetic writing this....that's your gut feeling trying to let you know something is wrong. Listen to it.

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
Any female with an unbalanced harem of friends that is considerably men is simply living life no different than a NPD and it has became the "norm" these days.

 

Why? Because these men supply the self-esteem or needs.

 

This is 100% true and 100% the men's fault for freely putting themselves in a BF without benefits situation.

 

Right up until the women gets into a relationship.

When she doesn't end these fake relationships then she is 100% at fault.

I know so many women who screw up relationships because they can't let go of their orbiters.

They claim they are "friends" but they really arn't because the "friendships" are always one-way.

 

Personally, if i wasn't interested in a woman who was interested in me I wouldn't spend time with her alone. why?

i'd rather do my own thing or spend my time with someone where there was mutual interest.

OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted

Relationships take work and there will be peaks and valleys throughout the duration. From my experience, those valleys are much harder to deal with when there's an ex-boyfriend in the picture because it adds another level of insecurity and instability.

 

For example, my ex-wife had a an ex-boyfriend that just wouldn't go away. She had been friends with him for years so I did my best to write it all off and not demand that she break contact with him. However, there were several times where her and I were embroiled in the middle of fights and arguments and this guy would pop up on her social media feeds. It drove me insane as her and I were trying to work through our problems yet there's an ex-boyfriend in the wings. It always made me feel more insecure, suspicious and angry about things and I became resentful. I finally asked her to cut contact with him and it turned into a huge fight. I started packing up my bags because I was so fed up with all of it. She asked me if I wanted her to just shut down her FB account (it was a continual problem) and I told her that I didn't want that but I wanted her to realize how detrimental her interactions with this guy and others were to our relationship.

 

She decided to close down her FB account and cut off contact with the guy. It was the best period of our relationship. I stopped getting frustrated about her interactions with people via social media and things smoothed out. She asked if I cared if she opened up her FB account again about six month later and I wasn't going to be a control freak and told her it was her choice.

 

Long story short, the ex-boyfriend never went away. She didn't add him on FB initially but she did so a months in. I shook it all off as there was no transparent contact between them. Fast forward a few years, she opens up her own his own business and gets an office space in his family's building. She was very sneaky about all of this, obviously refused to cut off contact with him and we ended up divorced.

 

He is now living with her in the home we bought together.

  • Like 1
dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

Ultimatums don't work. Can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. 2nd chances maybe. 3rd chances no way. She will do it again because you've trained her now to beg and plead and the waterworks will make you give in. Have seen people on here give 3,4,5 chances. Never works. I'd make sure this is really what you want before that trip or that trip may turn out to be really horrible.

  • Like 1
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted

The trip should be off. My goodness man, she lied to you three times! Showing you that she 'blocked' a person is incidental with these apps. A quick search of the username and 1/2 second tap on the 'unblock' button and it's on again.

 

She doesn't understand why she can't be friends with an ex. Another clue that she may not understand the importance of boundaries or doesn't respect them. So, she will try again.

 

You need to get her out of your apartment/home.

  • Like 1
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted
Ultimatums don't work. Can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. 2nd chances maybe. 3rd chances no way. She will do it again because you've trained her now to beg and plead and the waterworks will make you give in. Have seen people on here give 3,4,5 chances. Never works. I'd make sure this is really what you want before that trip or that trip may turn out to be really horrible.

 

This is very true. Ultimatums aren't a good thing. I will be uncomfortable with a significant other who is having contact with exes. And, I will tell them that I am uncomfortable with it. Now the ball is in there court: they need to decide if having an ex in their life is more important than their current relationship. I have been gaslighted on this before and told that I was "just jealous", "controlling" or that "I wasn't trusting". It's not about that. It's about what I posted earlier: relationships can be hard enough without an ex poking around and there are times when it needs to come first.

 

I was with a girl for three years when I was in my early twenties. We broke up but stayed in contact as we were close to one another. She got married and her husband had an issue with us keeping in contact. He stated that he'd be okay with it as long as it didn't interfere with the their time together. Her and I talked about this and decided that it was best to not put a strain on their marriage. Our contact was completely innocent but we both felt that her relationship was more important than our random chatting.

 

It really needs to be a hard and fast rule that you discuss when you first meet someone. You're both okay with having contact with exes or you're not.

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
Relationships take work and there will be peaks and valleys throughout the duration. From my experience, those valleys are much harder to deal with when there's an ex-boyfriend in the picture because it adds another level of insecurity and instability.

 

For example, my ex-wife had a an ex-boyfriend that just wouldn't go away. She had been friends with him for years so I did my best to write it all off and not demand that she break contact with him. However, there were several times where her and I were embroiled in the middle of fights and arguments and this guy would pop up on her social media feeds. It drove me insane as her and I were trying to work through our problems yet there's an ex-boyfriend in the wings. It always made me feel more insecure, suspicious and angry about things and I became resentful. I finally asked her to cut contact with him and it turned into a huge fight. I started packing up my bags because I was so fed up with all of it. She asked me if I wanted her to just shut down her FB account (it was a continual problem) and I told her that I didn't want that but I wanted her to realize how detrimental her interactions with this guy and others were to our relationship.

 

She decided to close down her FB account and cut off contact with the guy. It was the best period of our relationship. I stopped getting frustrated about her interactions with people via social media and things smoothed out. She asked if I cared if she opened up her FB account again about six month later and I wasn't going to be a control freak and told her it was her choice.

 

Long story short, the ex-boyfriend never went away. She didn't add him on FB initially but she did so a months in. I shook it all off as there was no transparent contact between them. Fast forward a few years, she opens up her own his own business and gets an office space in his family's building. She was very sneaky about all of this, obviously refused to cut off contact with him and we ended up divorced.

 

He is now living with her in the home we bought together.

 

Similar story.

ex-wife started cheating on me with a guy.

I do not know their past because nothing she said could be believed but i do know they knew each other from before.

thing were their best when he was out of the picture, presumably with someone else.

Things went downhill the second he was back in the picture.

 

we went to marriage counseling and she swore up and down he was just a friend but refused to cut him out.

 

she is now living with him and they have a child together.

He's her problem now.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted

It really needs to be a hard and fast rule that you discuss when you first meet someone. You're both okay with having contact with exes or you're not.

 

OatsAndHall. The OP did do this. He clearly communicated that he wanted the ex out of the picture. Perhaps a more detailed discussion regarding what was meant by 'out of the picture?' Anyway,the clarification was made later and she ignored it.

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
Ultimatums don't work. Can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. 2nd chances maybe. 3rd chances no way. She will do it again because you've trained her now to beg and plead and the waterworks will make you give in. Have seen people on here give 3,4,5 chances. Never works. I'd make sure this is really what you want before that trip or that trip may turn out to be really horrible.

 

Ultimatums however force someone to do what they want to do.

In my case i told my now ex "it was me or him" she chose him and I washed my hand of her 5 seconds later.

 

Had I not then i would of most likely continued to suffer for months until she just left me for him.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
Ultimatums however force someone to do what they want to do.

In my case i told my now ex "it was me or him" she chose him and I washed my hand of her 5 seconds later.

 

Had I not then i would of most likely continued to suffer for months until she just left me for him.

 

True.

 

Utimatums should be made ONLY if you are prepared to be rejected. You were prepared to move on, so the ultimate was effective.

 

I have a much unforgiving philosophy...depending on the transgression, where expectations have been firmly and clearly laid out and agreed upon, if the person then breaks that trust, it is over. No second chances. I did this with my ex.

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

Posted
Posted
Relationships take work and there will be peaks and valleys throughout the duration. From my experience, those valleys are much harder to deal with when there's an ex-boyfriend in the picture because it adds another level of insecurity and instability.

 

.....For example, my ex-wife had a an ex-boyfriend that just wouldn't go away. She had been friends with him for years so I did my best to write it all off and not demand that she break contact with him... \.... I started packing up my bags because I was so fed up with all of it. She asked me if I wanted her to just shut down her FB account (it was a continual problem) and I told her that I didn't want that but I wanted her to realize how detrimental her interactions with this guy and others were to our relationship.../... She decided to close down her FB account and cut off contact with the guy. She was very sneaky about all of this, obviously refused to cut off contact with him and we ended up divorced.

 

He is now living with her in the home we bought together.

 

I had a different story with my Gf in the past, but it's the same in the matter of - 1. her ex's were involved 2. The status of "me telling her what I want her to do".

 

One day, just like you, I told her enough is enough and the status of "me telling her what to do and she's arguing about it" is finished. I took all my claims back, told her that she was right all the time, she has the right to hang out with her ex's as much as she wants... and I didn't say anything further... I didn't say like "I'm breaking up with you", No, I was silent. but she was afraid that i'm going leave.

 

The arguments stopped. She was in panic because of my possible leaving, so she cut all contact with all of her ex's. It was her choice. after that, every 2-3 months, she was mentioning that because of me she cut contact with her male best friends (they were all a bunch of friends from highschool and she cut them all, including the girls), she used to say that because of me she lost her friends.

 

I never let her doing that and always reminded her that I never told her to do that, it was her choice, so "please don't blame me for your own decisions, and of course, it's reversable"

 

She is my wife now for many years, and she never contacted them ever since then. Because I was clear. Because she really loved me and didn't want to lose me. It was her choice.

 

But in my case there were never lies involved. If there were lies, it was a deal breaker without even thinking about it. I don't want liars leaving with me.

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

Not questionning your boundaries. Entirely up to you.

 

But I agree with dumbass: ultimatums don't work. She is friend with an ex/former lover etc and it causes you a problem. That's a huge compatibility issue here and you don't get to force her to give up a friend and she doesn't get to force you to deal with a friendship that makes you uncomfortable.

 

I don't see a need to blame either of you here;it wad just a bad match.

 

I hope you find someone who had the same beliefs about dtaying friends worh ex.

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
OatsAndHall. The OP did do this. He clearly communicated that he wanted the ex out of the picture. Perhaps a more detailed discussion regarding what was meant by 'out of the picture?' Anyway,the clarification was made later and she ignored it.

 

I do this with every woman who wants to become exclusive.

No exes.

Period.

 

Exclusive does not mean me, here, and her ex flirting with her.

 

oh and i love it when women tell me how horrible their ex was to them but still insist they keep talking to them. :sick:

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Rather than a story; i'll use bullet points..

 

Gf had me and another guy fwb before we got together

We started rship

I said that I want the other guy out it the picture completely, she agrees

2 months later he pops up on whatsapp, general chit chat

I end it, she cries and begs for me back, I give her a chance, she blocks him and shows me

2 months later (today) he pops up again on whatsapp, again general chit chat

I packed her things whilst she was asleep, when she woke up I told her to leave, she refuses

Cue waterworks, screaming, begging

 

She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

She picks me, proceeds to block/delete him off everything (again..)

 

I feel pathetic just typing this..

 

You've done the right thing two times already. This time get it right. You've created a boundary by letting her know that this is acceptable to you. It's not about controlling her, it's about what YOU need to feel secure in the relationship. You've let her know this and she continues to do it. Enforce that boundary now. Don't let the same thing keep happening over and over again. I know the issue seems "small" in the scheme of things, but it is a dealbreaker for you. She's done it a number of times which means she doesn't care about how it makes you feel. You aren't being controlling with her, you are simply letting her know how you feel about it and letting her decide what's more important to her. Controlling would be "you stop doing that or . . . ". There is an "or" for you but you aren't imposing it on her. It's mental note to SELF to not continue tolerating it.

 

"she picked me" -- Great, you've allow her to decide what happens with YOUR life. And, of course, she picked you. She likely wants to get back with that EX and he's not biting so she'll stick with what she actually has until . . .

 

Take the control back this time. If it happens again, ask her to leave and lock the door.

 

You've been having trust issues with this woman since about October. And, at that time you had decided to take a break from dating. What happened to that plan? You don't seem to be able to make decisions for yourself and be resolved to it. It's like New Year resolutions -- empty promises to YOURSELF. What happens with this kind of thing when the person doesn't stick to decisions is they can't trust themselves let alone other people.

  • Like 1
dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted
True.

 

Utimatums should be made ONLY if you are prepared to be rejected. You were prepared to move on, so the ultimate was effective.

 

I don't agree with it was effective. All it is doing is putting off the inevitable. She was begging and pleading and crying at that point. She probably wasn't thinking rationally. Of course she was going to yes and choose him at that time.

 

 

I just don't like giving ultimatums. It can also lead to resentment and hence the "you're controlling" thrown in your face. Continuing to ignore your concerns is the rejection. I think after letting the other person know numerous times about how how much their actions effect the relationship in such a negative way should be enough for them to decide without having to use threats. To me, threats are controlling and can lead to people doing something irrationally. When you communicate your needs and your needs aren't being met, then YOU decide enough is enough to move on. I've just learned over time that when you try to force someone to do something they are showing you they don't want to do, they more than likely do it again and the other thing is that you are constantly wondering (as in this case) if the other person has truly stopped or have they found other ways to continue to do it, but in a more secretive way.

 

IMO, if the OP continues on with her, this will be the case. He will be worried about the situation going forward and want to check up on her and she will be trying to find ways to still see or talk to the other guy in ways that hopefully the OP will not find out again.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted
Rather than a story; i'll use bullet points..

 

She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

She picks me, proceeds to block/delete him off everything (again..)

 

 

She has not only told you, but she has shown you now numerous times to back this up. Believe her and know that she is not going to change until someone she really cares about dumps her to the curb for good, doesn't hear from them again and she feels a tremendous loss, a serious consequence for her actions. She wont change until she learns the hard way.

  • Like 1
salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted (edited)
But I agree with dumbass: ultimatums don't work. She is friend with an ex/former lover etc and it causes you a problem. That's a huge compatibility issue here and you don't get to force her to give up a friend and she doesn't get to force you to deal with a friendship that makes you uncomfortable.

 

I don't agree with it was effective. [...]

 

IMO, if the OP continues on with her, this will be the case. He will be worried about the situation going forward and want to check up on her and she will be trying to find ways to still see or talk to the other guy in ways that hopefully the OP will not find out again.

 

She has not only told you, but she has shown you now numerous times to back this up. Believe her and know that she is not going to change until someone she really cares about dumps her to the curb for good, doesn't hear from them again and she feels a tremendous loss, a serious consequence for her actions. She wont change until she learns the hard way.

 

 

@GoreSP: Yes, a compatibility issue in a sense, but I don't agree that it's balanced incompatibility––only in the most absolute sense, which disregards the relationship. No one, either gender is likely to be compatible with a bf/gf/spouse who is predisposed to such. While it may be her right by a legal definition, this about what's appropriate in this context. What she is doing is at the expense of the relationship. She values her orbiters more than the relationship and doesn't much give a phuk how he feels. For her, it's all about whether she can get away with it by either deceit or overt power imbalance (shoving it down his throat if he's unable to walk away). In that sense it's quite a bit more than mere incompatibility.

 

@dumbass: Right. It wasn't effective. She is still the same person with the exact same needs and predilections as before. But I don't agree that she will become someone else as a result of having been taught a lesson, kicked to the curb, etc. The motivation is inherent. She may learn to modify behavior superficially (as in being more careful), she may learn to assume it's a deal breaker for all men... but I don't believe that consequences will magically transform her into a person who has no predilection to keep a few on the string. It's fundamental to who she is.

 

The problems men have when smitten: a) they tend to minimize and idealize, b) convince themselves such things are one-off behaviors that can be permanently extinguished, c) remain in denial as to longer-term implications of being attached to a fundamentally disingenuous woman rather than making integrity/congruity paramount, d) invest in what they wish it could be rather than accepting what is.

Edited by salparadise
GeorgeWP93 Established Member

GeorgeWP93

Posted
Posted

Never has a thread been filled with more truths, you're doomed my friend. You've let her get away with things she never have gotten away with. Maybe he is just a friend, maybe she sleeps with him behind your back either way you don't want to be with someone who has men message her who used to or want to sleep with her, I agree with you. You told her that, she said she would stop, she lied, and now she knows that all she has to do is cry and beg and all is forgiven...

 

'It was just a kiss, I didn't mean to, I was drunk, I love you I'm so sorry it won't happen again, please don't break my heart'

 

It only gets worse, the only way to solve this is to break up with her otherwise she knows she can get away with it. Maybe she will learn maybe she won't.

 

And ultimatums never work, they just want to do it because you said they can't after that.

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