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Struggling to trust new girlfriend :( [update: Girlfriend cheated - how to end it]

HumanMachine

By HumanMachine
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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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My girlfriend has unblocked her ex on whatsapp, but still has him blocked on everything else, there doesn't appear to be any sign of contact

 

I am deeply hurt by this as he both agreed to leave both of our pasts in the past (by us both blocking exes on social media/phones etc).. which i have of course stuck by!!

 

Should I even bother asking her about it? We've been together 3 months..

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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My girlfriend has unblocked her ex on whatsapp, but still has him blocked on everything else, there doesn't appear to be any sign of contact

 

I am deeply hurt by this as he both agreed to leave both of our pasts in the past (by us both blocking exes on social media/phones etc).. which i have of course stuck by!!

 

Should I even bother asking her about it? We've been together 3 months..

 

She blocked him and then unblocked him. She did it b/c she wants to continue communicating with him. You had an agreement and she backed-out of it. Talk to her about it. Did she tell you? How dow you know that she has unblocked him?

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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She blocked him and then unblocked him. She did it b/c she wants to continue communicating with him. You had an agreement and she backed-out of it. Talk to her about it. Did she tell you? How dow you know that she has unblocked him?

 

I had a nagging feeling that something was up

 

When she fell asleep i checked her phone

 

There was ABSOLUTELY nothing else on there which would cause concern, apart from her block list on whatsapp being empty.

 

I thought maybe she had turned whatsapp notifications off but they were on, so she doesn't appear to be hiding that side of things..

 

Any thoughts on how to approach this? Maybe just a "hey sorry to ask but is x still blocked on your phone?"

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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I had a nagging feeling that something was up

 

When she fell asleep i checked her phone

 

There was ABSOLUTELY nothing else on there which would cause concern, apart from her block list on whatsapp being empty.

 

I thought maybe she had turned whatsapp notifications off but they were on, so she doesn't appear to be hiding that side of things..

 

Any thoughts on how to approach this? Maybe just a "hey sorry to ask but is x still blocked on your phone?"

 

Ugh. Your gf is going to be pissed if she finds out you invaded her privacy and couldn't trust her. Then again, it would appear that you couldn't. :o

 

You are in a tough spot, imho. She will likely turns this around and place blame on you as well. Prepare for some ugliness, if you you approach her on this. What were your suspicions?

 

I am not familiar with whatsapp features, but were there any indications of communcations between the ex and her? Has your relationship stalled a little or more recently?

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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Ugh. Your gf is going to be pissed if she finds out you invaded her privacy and couldn't trust her. Then again, it would appear that you couldn't. :o

 

You are in a tough spot, imho. She will likely turns this around and place blame on you as well. Prepare for some ugliness, if you you approach her on this. What were your suspicions?

 

I am not familiar with whatsapp features, but were there any indications of communcations between the ex and her? Has your relationship stalled a little or more recently?

 

My suspicions were that she has been TOO good (yes you read that correctly). We've both had colourful pasts and I was so surprised at how she's been in a relationship.

 

My mind is running wild right now.. all the times she could be going to work but instead diverting to her exes.. quickly deleting the chat before we see each other. We're with each other 100% of the time other than work.

 

NO indications of chat however they could easily be hidden by deletion.

CommittedToThis Established Member

CommittedToThis

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both agreed to leave both of our pasts in the past (by us both blocking exes on social media/phones etc).. which i have of course stuck by!!

 

I smell a paradox here, a double-bind situation: you both agree to block contact with exes, but she unblocks hers while you remain true to your mutual promise.

 

If you ask her about her unblocking ex, you're likely going to get a raft of dung, and if you tell her you are going to block your exes in fairness, you're likely going to get a raft of dung.

 

Either choice you make, she will find fault with.

 

That's a double-bind. A no-win situation. Lose-lose.

 

She's the one who put this on you, so I would explain it to her in this terminology and ask her to explain herself and if she's cool with you unblocking your exes.

 

If she tells you to go ahead and unblock, you're basically in an open relationship at that point, so enjoy the fun you have together and keep the big picture in perspective.

 

In my experience with a Cluster B personality disordered woman, a double-bind is one of the major red flags.

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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I really can't see a way back from this betrayal of trust

 

Relationships.. why do i even bother

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I really can't see a way back from this betrayal of trust

 

Relationships.. why do i even bother

 

Your dating life will get better when you:

 

Date women that are trust worthy.

Date women that are over their ex and have split at least a year ago

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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Your dating life will get better when you:

 

Date women that are trust worthy.

Date women that are over their ex and have split at least a year ago

 

In an ideal world..

 

------

 

So i did a bit more digging - i searched his name on her phone and it pulled up a 'note', i briefly scroll through it and it was huge.. maybe 10 imessage worth of text. I got as far as "dear x, i need to get this off my chest" before being kicked out by the phone. Deleted notes are permanently deleted after 30 days so I assume whatever I saw was due to a glitch.

 

The note was dated 2 weeks AFTER we got together (so ~10 weeks ago) - could she have had him unblocked since then and simply forgot about it?

 

I really don't know what to make of all this, she lives at my place and the only hours that we are apart are when we're working. She is crazy about me and incredibly protective.

 

Thoughts?!

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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In an ideal world..

 

------

 

So i did a bit more digging - i searched his name on her phone and it pulled up a 'note', i briefly scroll through it and it was huge.. maybe 10 imessage worth of text. I got as far as "dear x, i need to get this off my chest" before being kicked out by the phone. Deleted notes are permanently deleted after 30 days so I assume whatever I saw was due to a glitch.

 

The note was dated 2 weeks AFTER we got together (so ~10 weeks ago) - could she have had him unblocked since then and simply forgot about it?

 

I really don't know what to make of all this, she lives at my place and the only hours that we are apart are when we're working. She is crazy about me and incredibly protective.

 

Thoughts?!

 

You've been with her about 3 months and you're living together??????

 

She might be crazy about you and incredibly protective because she wants to have someone to be with if things don't go right with the Ex . . .

 

But, you don't have to bring this up directly. You can make a casual matter of fact statement: "I've been hearing so many stories about people staying in touch with their exes and the trouble it causes in new relationships. I'm really glad we blocked ours. I'm going to keep my ex blocked forever." And, keep an eye on her eyes/face . . .

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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When she fell asleep i checked her phone

 

There was ABSOLUTELY nothing else on there which would cause concern, apart from her block list on whatsapp being empty.

 

Of her block list on whatsapp is completely empty then perhaps she never blocked him on that in the first place.

 

Yes, she could be having illicit whatsapp conversations with him, or she may not. Who knows?

YOU obviously do not trust her an inch, so where do you really see this going?

Why after only 3 months is she staying with you?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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In an ideal world..

 

------

 

So i did a bit more digging - i searched his name on her phone and it pulled up a 'note', i briefly scroll through it and it was huge.. maybe 10 imessage worth of text. I got as far as "dear x, i need to get this off my chest" before being kicked out by the phone. Deleted notes are permanently deleted after 30 days so I assume whatever I saw was due to a glitch.

 

The note was dated 2 weeks AFTER we got together (so ~10 weeks ago) - could she have had him unblocked since then and simply forgot about it?

 

I really don't know what to make of all this, she lives at my place and the only hours that we are apart are when we're working. She is crazy about me and incredibly protective.

 

Thoughts?!

 

You pick the type of world you live in. You pick the type of woman you want to date.

 

Why are you living together after only 3 months?

How old are you?

Did she just broke up with him when she met you?

CommittedToThis Established Member

CommittedToThis

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You've been with her about 3 months and you're living together??????

 

Here comes Mr. Cluster B again!

 

Man, I didn't know they were living together 3 months after meeting. You've got to be seriously, seriously careful about moving in together so soon. Certain personality disordered people will rush into things like this in order to keep their new partner off-balance, keep things moving fast so they don't have a chance to realize what they're getting into.

 

Couple this info with the fact she's unblocked ex -- which means he is very likely her Plan B or backup in case OP fails -- and I'm getting that swirling Coke-and-Pineapple feeling in my stomach.

 

Be careful, OP. Maybe do some looking into personality disorders and see if any of the common behaviors ring a bell. All the best.

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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Of her block list on whatsapp is completely empty then perhaps she never blocked him on that in the first place.

 

Yes, she could be having illicit whatsapp conversations with him, or she may not. Who knows?

YOU obviously do not trust her an inch, so where do you really see this going?

Why after only 3 months is she staying with you?

 

We made a point of showing each other our phones to 'prove' that it had been done. I am 100% sure he was blocked. The relationship is going absolutely nowhere - I simply love spending time with her.

 

You pick the type of world you live in. You pick the type of woman you want to date.

 

Why are you living together after only 3 months?

How old are you?

Did she just broke up with him when she met you?

 

We enjoy each other's company so she moved into my place

Early 20's

Yes

 

Here comes Mr. Cluster B again!

 

Man, I didn't know they were living together 3 months after meeting. You've got to be seriously, seriously careful about moving in together so soon. Certain personality disordered people will rush into things like this in order to keep their new partner off-balance, keep things moving fast so they don't have a chance to realize what they're getting into.

 

Couple this info with the fact she's unblocked ex -- which means he is very likely her Plan B or backup in case OP fails -- and I'm getting that swirling Coke-and-Pineapple feeling in my stomach.

 

Be careful, OP. Maybe do some looking into personality disorders and see if any of the common behaviors ring a bell. All the best.

 

Thank you.. nicely put!

frus69 Established Member

frus69

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Just based on this one incident :that she unblocked her ex, I don't see why you are so paranoid. Do we all have to block our ex otherwise we are untrustworthy?

 

 

But after reading other info, ok you are a rebound

Edited by frus69
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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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Just based on this one incident :that she unblocked her ex, I don't see why you are so paranoid. Do we all have to block our ex otherwise we are untrustworthy?

 

 

But after reading other info, ok you are a rebound

 

I'm not a rebound, she ended it with her ex to be with me.... her choice

frus69 Established Member

frus69

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I really can't see a way back from this betrayal of trust

 

Relationships.. why do i even bother

 

If you choose to be a rebound then you set yourself up for failure. I don't know why you wonder "why do I bother relationships ". It's fairly obvious why

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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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I'm not a rebound, she ended it with her ex to be with me.... her choice

 

So She was cheating on him with you?

Either way this is not how a healthy relationship starts

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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So She was cheating on him with you?

Either way this is not how a healthy relationship starts

 

No I didn't allow that, she expressed her feelings for me many times.. every time i reminded her of her boyfriend then she'd come running back.. then one day she said she left him and that's when we began our 'relationship'

 

Yes it's very messy and i'm being incredibly naive and stupid.. but then again him not being blocked was literally the ONLY thing on her phone, no calls.. instagram.. snapchat.. facebook.. twitter.. all squeeky clean

 

So am i overreacting or should i stick with my gut feeling?

frus69 Established Member

frus69

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No I didn't allow that, she expressed her feelings for me many times.. every time i reminded her of her boyfriend then she'd come running back.. then one day she said she left him and that's when we began our 'relationship'

 

Yes it's very messy and i'm being incredibly naive and stupid.. but then again him not being blocked was literally the ONLY thing on her phone, no calls.. instagram.. snapchat.. facebook.. twitter.. all squeeky clean

 

So am i overreacting or should i stick with my gut feeling?

 

So she did cheat on him with you , emotionally

Had you allowed her she would have physically cheated no doubt

So this is a cheater and your asking us if she's trustworthy? Well NO

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I'm not a rebound, she ended it with her ex to be with me.... her choice

 

C'mon, Human. Get a grip here. Just because she ended things with the ex of her own volition, doesn't mean you aren't/won't be a rebound.

 

Tread lightly here. I'm not saying she is or isn't back in touch with the ex, but you need to step back a little here. You are moving entirely too fast for someone, who back on October 13th, I believe, said he was going to take a break for a while . . .

 

You have very real reason to be somewhat distrustful of her simply because it's a very recent break up. She might be a "monkey brancher" . . . she will be with someone until she gets antsy but won't break up with the current guy until she has a new one waiting in the wings. Moving in with someone quickly is an indicator of someone who is impulsive, antsy, needy and all about immediate gratification . . .

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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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One thing you can trust is that she will leave you the same way she left her ex

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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C'mon, Human. Get a grip here. Just because she ended things with the ex of her own volition, doesn't mean you aren't/won't be a rebound.

 

Tread lightly here. I'm not saying she is or isn't back in touch with the ex, but you need to step back a little here. You are moving entirely too fast for someone, who back on October 13th, I believe, said he was going to take a break for a while . . .

 

You have very real reason to be somewhat distrustful of her simply because it's a very recent break up. She might be a "monkey brancher" . . . she will be with someone until she gets antsy but won't break up with the current guy until she has a new one waiting in the wings. Moving in with someone quickly is an indicator of someone who is impulsive, antsy, needy and all about immediate gratification . . .

 

Thank you.. i needed that

 

Goodnight all

Viking Established Member

Viking

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I dated a girl sort of like this before. She was dating a guy sort of long distance (he lived at the very south of the state, she lived very north as he quit college and moved home). One night after bumping into her a few times, we exchanged numbers. We eventually ended up dancing after drinks and I kissed her, drunkenly, and she was a bit buzzed too.

 

The next day I'm grilling ribs and she calls me up crying because she dumped her boyfriend. I invited her over for some ribs and figured I'd been friend zoned. I hadn't been and we began dating. However, from the get go, our relationship was not based on a good foundation. She dumped her boyfriend for me.

 

We broke up and got back together once. It was her doing us getting back together. She broke up with me and went on a family reunion trip to the East Coast and when she came back after two weeks (I initiated no contact and did not talk to her), she came back and wanted to talk.

 

Like a fool, I got back together with her, and it felt great, the sex was awesome, and she was quite reattached. However, she broke the trust we had by talking with some guy she met on a university cycling trip and was planning on meeting him after buying some sexy underwear from Victoria Secret, a place she doesn't shop usually. The way I found this out was she left the discussion on Facebook up on her laptop when I went to her apartment and used her laptop (we shared a lot of stuff).

 

Anyway, I stewed all day next day and called her up to meet me at my house. I told her I saw the conversation and what it meant. I should have just ended things, but I let her explain it and like a fool, didn't break up.

 

I guess what I'm saying is if you don't address the behavior now, and ask the hard question, you'll never be able to trust and the relationship will be permanently damaged due to your lack of trust of her.

 

It's not easy to explain how you found this out, so honesty is probably best. Tell her you felt the need to look because you've been burned in the past and you wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again. When you get to the part of her not having blocked him, do not be accusatory, but rather ask her how come she didn't block him when it was the agreement. Explain how it makes you feel and brings back bad memories of exes or something.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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The fact that you had to start this relationship with some sort of "pact" to block your exes shows that you either started this relationship with trust issues, or that you started this relationship not trusting her. Either way, it is doomed to fail without trust.

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