Will I ever be his #1?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I couldn't help but feel like he really did love me though.

 

I remember once, around a year or a year and a half ago, we were talking. I don't even remember about what, and he was saying something along the lines of "oh, well, when we have kids.." meaning him and I. And I remember asking him if he really thought we'd have kids together. And he said of course we would.

 

And that's when I first felt loved by a man. No man had ever talked to me about having kids before. I could see my future with him, right at that moment.

 

Ha. Silly me, right?

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a billion times, shame on me.

 

Aww the old Future faking - quite the thing in affairs. Some APs really do believe in the future they are creating with their AP - I mean in affairs those WW/WH minds' are so compartmentalized due the affair that creating and living out a fantasy becomes the sacrifice necessary to continue and feed the beast.

 

It is fun- to live in this fantasy world you create. It is so much easier to escape the mundane of reality and the other person, if they buy it, continues to feel fear and anxiety- worried that the 'future' may not happen which actually continues to strengthen the bond they have to this other person. They will happily buy into this future and do anything and everything necessary to make it come to reality - even if they have to wait day in day out... Wait and watch this person they love live their life with someone else.

 

Did you know OP that affairs are mostly lived in our own minds. Think about it- how many gaps do you fill in mentally due to the fact that he goes home every night to another woman. How many nights do you have to relive all of the good things said that day or a week before because you cannot call him because he is with his wife. How much do you have to convince yourself he isn't happy even though he is going home every night to her?

 

The sooner you can fix what is going on in your head the better it will be to help you move forward.

[elaine567]

I remember once, around a year or a year and a half ago, we were talking. I don't even remember about what, and he was saying something along the lines of "oh, well, when we have kids.." meaning him and I. And I remember asking him if he really thought we'd have kids together. And he said of course we would.

 

 

I think many men know that if they start speaking about having kids "in the future", then it takes the relationship to a more serious level, it is a way of hooking a woman and almost guarantees her loyalty to him.

He MUST love me, he is talking about having kids with me.

But talk is cheap and I guess had you said "Great, I'll come off the birth control and we can get cracking very soon", he would have back tracked pretty quickly...

MM tend to future fake, as they do not want their OW to get bored waiting around for essentially "nothing". He needs to provide "a future", else most women would bail pretty quick.

[imsosad]

I couldn't help but feel like he really did love me though.

 

I remember once, around a year or a year and a half ago, we were talking. I don't even remember about what, and he was saying something along the lines of "oh, well, when we have kids.." meaning him and I. And I remember asking him if he really thought we'd have kids together. And he said of course we would.

 

And that's when I first felt loved by a man. No man had ever talked to me about having kids before. I could see my future with him, right at that moment.

 

Ha. Silly me, right?

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a billion times, shame on me.

 

OP, do you see now that talking about having kids does not equal love? Those words had no meaning attached to them, because they came with no action. Rather, they were said while he doing the exact opposite-raising a baby with his wife.

Men know that 'serious' talk about marriage and babies goes a long way with many women. A single guy might be a bit careful about saying such things because he is expected to follow through. MM can say these things without carrying out any meaningful decision. When he talked about 'your' kids, it was enough to keep the hope and fantasy alive.

Saying things means nothing unless accompanied by actions.

I think it would be a good idea for you to define, or redefine, what love is to you. Romantic babble is just not enough.

[Miss Clavel]

It feels empty without him. I always hate "off again" times, but this feels different. Like it's really off for good. Not gonna lie, I don't like it.

 

I feel like a part of myself has died with the relationship and I don't like how that feels. He is such a big part of who I am.

 

Like imagine you're a child. You're biggest dream of dreams is to be a ballerina, or in the case of a guy, a football player, or whatever your dream is. An artist, a musician, an actor, a clown...whatever. And you dream of becoming that for so long, then one day, someone comes and says you can never be what you want to be. No matter how bad you want it, you're just not good enough to be whatever is you wanted to become. You'd feel lost. Like you didn't even know how to be anything else.

 

It's heartwrenching.

 

of course it is heart wrenching to find that dream, the goal, you've worked for most of your life will not come true. will never happen. however, haven't you been told over and over by various teachers, coaches, friends and spectators that you are in fact, no good at this occupation, that you do not have what it takes to achieve this dream??

 

because i think you have, repeatedly, in the form of the wife and the baby, hellooooo?

 

my youngest had to overcome a sever injury during her years of performing, and we were advised that unless she undertook a surgery and a lenghty recovery period in physical therapy she'd have to let go of her dream career.

 

we took in what the doctors said and decided that even without the injury, in the face of her skills and the level of the competition, she had better retire.

 

let me tell you i will never forget her face as she came to grips with this. she faced it, the withdrawal hurt, she moved on tho and now 3 years later she is back at her art, in a different form maybe, not at the same level maybe, but she still enjoys the love she holds for that dream. it doesn't hurt anymore because in the end, she had to be practical.

 

so the best thing for you to do is NC, period. and if you find yourself feeling weak(which i have huge contempt for weakness) then maybe you can answer him. when he says i miss you, i want to see you, answer,:

 

" i do not want to know you, STOP hurting me or i will jump off the roof and leave a note blaming your treatment of me as my reason".

 

if he contacts you after that, imo, it's abuse. which is nothing new, he's been abusing everyone around him for years!

 

i won't wish you good luck because i do not feel, based on your offering "weakness" as an excuse you will ever end it, except on the floor begging for another chance from a dirty dick cake eating abuser.

 

and just for the record, my wasband did this to his OW, for EIGHT years. and guess what, he flew off to las vegas and married someone else.

 

another dirty cake eatin liar is off the market, for now.

 

stick to NC, it's your life on the line, don't you get that? he's taking your life, he's a thief. worse, he takes it and throws it away, he doesn't even want it. he wants pussy, no matter who it's attached to.

[Samanthajay84]

How long have you known him?

[aileD]

Quick question..

 

If I'm checking his instagram, not commenting or liking, just looking, am I breaking NC? I'm technically not contacting him. I'm just curious.

 

Yes. You are giving him mental and emotional energy he doesn't deserve and it will be harder for you to get over him if you don't focus that energy somewhere else---like on YOU.

[Samanthajay84]

Was he married when you first met him? Did you know? There are things that your not filling is in on.

[jennifernyc84]

Was he married when you first met him? Did you know? There are things that your not filling is in on.

 

It's complicated. If you want to read through my older thread you will understand. It's really hard to explain.

 

He was my best friend from childhood. We grew up together. I've always had this crush on him even being so young.

 

He got married, we lost touch. He reached out to me 2 years into his marriage. Which was around 4 years ago. And we've been on and off since that faithful day

[CommittedToThis]

we've been on and off since that faithful day

 

Sorry, just pointing out the irony of the typo.

[LexiCat29]

It's complicated. If you want to read through my older thread you will understand. It's really hard to explain.

 

He was my best friend from childhood. We grew up together. I've always had this crush on him even being so young.

 

He got married, we lost touch. He reached out to me 2 years into his marriage. Which was around 4 years ago. And we've been on and off since that faithful day

 

It doesn't sound all that complicated. You've always had a crush on him, he was aware but didn't feel the same way, he got married but wanted sex and ego stroking on the side and he went after you knowing you'd be an easy target.

 

Pretty simple really.

[sandylee1]

I couldn't help but feel like he really did love me though.

 

I remember once, around a year or a year and a half ago, we were talking. I don't even remember about what, and he was saying something along the lines of "oh, well, when we have kids.." meaning him and I. And I remember asking him if he really thought we'd have kids together. And he said of course we would.

 

.

 

And look how he's unfaithful to his wife who he actually does have a child with.... a child that they went through a lot to bring into the world.

 

Having kids with a man in no way guarantees their loyalty or love, as you can see for yourself.

 

I've come across a few BWs who discovered their husband was cheating while they were going through IVF or through the adoption process and their pain when they analyse his actions is quite something.

 

Men are very good in saying what they know you want to hear .. like marriage and kids. I had an Ex who would even come up with names for these future kids of ours, . It's all a loaf of bo***cks.

Edited December 13, 2016 by sandylee1
Typo

[Birdies]

Sorry, just pointing out the irony of the typo.

 

Curious why you're on this specific board except to seemingly troll people? Do you have some experience as an Other Man that lends you some voice of wisdom for people currently in this situation? (The stated purpose of this board is "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner"...)

[CommittedToThis]

Curious why you're on this specific board except to seemingly troll people? Do you have some experience as an Other Man that lends you some voice of wisdom for people currently in this situation? (The stated purpose of this board is "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner"...)

 

I was an OM when I was 19 and it was an ugly, ugly situation.

 

I read all the LS boards and I simply found the typo ironic.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and I'll do my best to resist such posts in the future.

[jennifernyc84]

Sorry, just pointing out the irony of the typo.

 

No typo there. Said it sarcastically.

 

That's the thing I hate about message boards. So much gets lost in translation

 

I also hate being judged on every little thing I say/type.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding rude. Just feeling a little touchy today.

[CommittedToThis]

No typo there. Said it sarcastically.

 

Interesting and, yeah, I had no way of gauging if you were being sarcastic or had made a possibly revealing typo. The joyless reality of communicating via text.

 

You have every reason to feel out of sorts, there's a lot going on. I think I mentioned before, no judgement from me. You would laugh at the messes I've gotten myself in.

 

The important thing is being able to get yourself out.

[Satu]

These married men are very good at sniffing out a woman's vulnerabilities, and when they find them they exploit them ruthlessly.

 

They promise heaven and deliver hell.

[sandylee1]

No typo there. Said it sarcastically.

 

 

I thought it was a typo too actually.

[anika99]

It's complicated. If you want to read through my older thread you will understand. It's really hard to explain.

 

He was my best friend from childhood. We grew up together. I've always had this crush on him even being so young.

 

He got married, we lost touch. He reached out to me 2 years into his marriage. Which was around 4 years ago. And we've been on and off since that faithful day

 

I read your previous thread and I'm curious about what happened after your last post on that thread. On that thread you happily posted that he had told his wife everything, told her he was leaving her and then he was moving in with you. Then you disappeared from Loveshack, so what happened?

[aileD]

You asked a question and it got lost in the shuffle. It it's important to get it answered I think so I'll copy and past my previous reply

 

Originally Posted by Samanthajay84 View Post

Quick question..

 

If I'm checking his instagram, not commenting or liking, just looking, am I breaking NC? I'm technically not contacting him. I'm just curious.

 

Yes. You are giving him mental and emotional energy he doesn't deserve and it will be harder for you to get over him if you don't focus that energy somewhere else---like on YOU.

[Satu]

Originally Posted by Samanthajay84

 

Quick question..

 

"If I'm checking his instagram, not commenting or liking, just looking, am I breaking NC? I'm technically not contacting him. I'm just curious."

 

 

Yes, you are, just as you would be if you were hiding in a bush, watching him eating his breakfast.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[jennifernyc84]

I read your previous thread and I'm curious about what happened after your last post on that thread. On that thread you happily posted that he had told his wife everything, told her he was leaving her and then he was moving in with you. Then you disappeared from Loveshack, so what happened?

 

Oh god, are you sure you wanna know?

 

Hurricane sandy ruined their place. They were staying with her parents when things blew up. He told her about me, she kicked him out, and he came to stay with me. He stayed for around 2-3 weeks. Then one day I came home from work and saw all his stuff was gone. I tried calling and calling him but he wouldn't answer.

 

3 months passed and i began dating a guy named ray I met at an office Christmas party. And that's when I heard from Josh. He apologized a trillion times until I gave in and we became friends again. Soon after that the sex started again, and I broke up with ray.

 

We continued the affair for about 8 months I think. Then I called it off because I found out they were going to fertility doctors.

 

Didn't speak to him again for another 2-3 months. Then I ran into him randomly and we fell right back into it.

 

I could go on and on. It's a horrible mess of a story with no ending. Just a whole lot of plot twists. It's exhausting.

[jennifernyc84]

You asked a question and it got lost in the shuffle. It it's important to get it answered I think so I'll copy and past my previous reply

 

 

 

Yes. You are giving him mental and emotional energy he doesn't deserve and it will be harder for you to get over him if you don't focus that energy somewhere else---like on YOU.

 

No I didn't ask that...someone named samanthajay84 did^^^^^ I haven't broken NC

[Forever broken]

 

They promise heaven and deliver hell.

 

Powerful statement. 100% truth.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Oh god, are you sure you wanna know?

 

Hurricane sandy ruined their place. They were staying with her parents when things blew up. He told her about me, she kicked him out, and he came to stay with me. He stayed for around 2-3 weeks. Then one day I came home from work and saw all his stuff was gone. I tried calling and calling him but he wouldn't answer.

 

3 months passed and i began dating a guy named ray I met at an office Christmas party. And that's when I heard from Josh. He apologized a trillion times until I gave in and we became friends again. Soon after that the sex started again, and I broke up with ray.

 

We continued the affair for about 8 months I think. Then I called it off because I found out they were going to fertility doctors.

 

Didn't speak to him again for another 2-3 months. Then I ran into him randomly and we fell right back into it.

 

I could go on and on. It's a horrible mess of a story with no ending. Just a whole lot of plot twists. It's exhausting.

 

So he moved in for 2-3 weeks then packed up and moved back in with her?!! Goodness I am sure that was pretty rough to get through.

 

You are in NC now I hope? Has he tried to connect with you again? This guy sounds like a huge mess.

[aileD]

No I didn't ask that...someone named samanthajay84 did^^^^^ I haven't broken NC

 

Apologies. Thought it came from the OP