Will I ever be his #1?

[jennifernyc84]

Seriously, don't want to bash, but what's with your fam? If you told your sister the truth and she still insists on going after him, then where is her clear level thinking?

 

Does she understand the concept of affair, wrecked marriage, neglected child?

 

This is not about you, but you're sister. Is she all right???

 

LOL! She's always been that way.

 

She is a little off the loop but she's my sister and she has always been there for me.

 

I'm not taking her advice. I didn't even reply. I didn't even acknowledge it.

[minimariah]

Hey, that's not fair.

 

i'm sorry, Jenn. i didn't mean to hurt or offend you or to minimize your effort & progress - it's totally possible that i'm totally wrong! my posts are sometimes harsh, i don't really know how to express my thoughts differently. no malice behind it, i promise.

[jennifernyc84]

i'm sorry, Jenn. i didn't mean to hurt or offend you or to minimize your effort & progress - it's totally possible that i'm totally wrong! my posts are sometimes harsh, i don't really know how to express my thoughts differently. no malice behind it, i promise.

 

Sorry for the mini melt down lol

 

It's ok, sometimes I guess we need a little tough love.

 

But I have made progress. I guess dreaming of being so close to him had me a little emotional.

[minimariah]

Sorry for the mini melt down lol

 

It's ok, sometimes I guess we need a little tough love.

 

But I have made progress. I guess dreaming of being so close to him had me a little emotional.

 

don't worry about it...! you have every right to have a meltdown, nobody expects you to get over this man in a second. it's all normal. again - i was totally off in my wannabe analysis... feel free to go full melt down on me when i do such thing!

 

how are you feeling now?

[jennifernyc84]

don't worry about it...! you have every right to have a meltdown, nobody expects you to get over this man in a second. it's all normal. again - i was totally off in my wannabe analysis... feel free to go full melt down on me when i do such thing!

 

how are you feeling now?

 

I'm feeling ok, that's the thing.

 

This came out of left field. I wasn't even thinking of him and this feeling of total relapse out of nowhere!

 

Hoping to just push through this and come out the other side soon.

 

I can do this, I know I can. I don't need him, just like he doesn't need me.

[minimariah]

EXACTLY! that's the spirit.

has he tried to contact you since the last time? what do you think might have triggered the dream?

[whichwayisup]

I'm feeling ok, that's the thing.

 

This came out of left field. I wasn't even thinking of him and this feeling of total relapse out of nowhere!

 

Hoping to just push through this and come out the other side soon.

 

I can do this, I know I can. I don't need him, just like he doesn't need me.

 

This will help you keep things in check.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

[ladydesigner]

I'm feeling ok, that's the thing.

 

This came out of left field. I wasn't even thinking of him and this feeling of total relapse out of nowhere!

 

Hoping to just push through this and come out the other side soon.

 

I can do this, I know I can. I don't need him, just like he doesn't need me.

 

This is going to happen I think you should just acknowledge the feeling and try to let it go. It is going to take time to let go and re-train the mind it doesn't happen overnight. Somedays will be 2 steps forward and 3 back as this is not a linear process at all. Hang in there!

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer,

 

Remember the roller coaster. Highs and lows. But if you stick it out. Stay focused. You will get thru this. You will.

 

Those dreams hit us hard. I know I sometimes wake up and my skin is screaming. But I take a cold shower, get a bit sad, pour my coffee, walk the dog, and get ready for work. I remember that my life didn't end because of him. I won't let it end because of him.

 

You got this.

[jennifernyc84]

EXACTLY! that's the spirit.

has he tried to contact you since the last time? what do you think might have triggered the dream?

 

Honestly, I don't know. I wasn't really thinking of him before bed. I'll admit I was feeling a little lonely. Nothing that had to do with him. I was also feeling kind of in the mood, if you know what I mean. But again, that had nothing to do with him. Maybe I was just thinking about sex (I was )

 

I was never a VERY sexual person, but as I'm getting older I've noticed my appetite for it has increased.

[jennifernyc84]

I got asked out today. By a great guy. Cute, sweet, SINGLE.

 

I don't feel like I'm ready yet. I haven't dated anyone who wasn't Josh in years. I'm ready to move on but not sure if I should date yet.

 

This new guy is from a different branch from where I work.

He's very different from what Josh is.

 

Josh is so outstanding. This guy is quiet and kind of shy. I'm not used to that. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him at all.

 

I didn't turn him down but I didn't say yes either. Maybe this is what I need.

 

I don't know. I don't dislike him..would it be wrong to go out with him just to test the waters?

[BuddyX]

I'm currently dating women non stop and what you just described would be a major turn off for me.

 

If you think you're not ready then don't. Nothing more frustrating than a date who's mind is wondering.

 

Now, you don't have to go all fancy dinner and dress. But you can test the water with a coffee date. Less casual. Less pressure.

 

But given he asked you out, I would give him a solid answer. No wishy washey.

Edited January 19, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[whichwayisup]

I got asked out today. By a great guy. Cute, sweet, SINGLE.

 

I don't feel like I'm ready yet. I haven't dated anyone who wasn't Josh in years. I'm ready to move on but not sure if I should date yet.

 

This new guy is from a different branch from where I work.

He's very different from what Josh is.

 

Josh is so outstanding. This guy is quiet and kind of shy. I'm not used to that. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him at all.

 

I didn't turn him down but I didn't say yes either. Maybe this is what I need.

 

I don't know. I don't dislike him..would it be wrong to go out with him just to test the waters?

 

You are so not ready to date, not even casually. Already you've compared this guy to Josh. Josh shouldn't even BE in your head when you start dating.

 

Tell this guy thanks but you're raw and just been through a hard break up and far from ready to date.

 

Yes it would be wrong, a waste of your time and his. He isn't looking for a friend and respectfully your mind body and soul is full of Josh even though it is over.

 

Be honest, when you were thinking of sex, Josh must have been in there too..?

[jennifernyc84]

You are so not ready to date, not even casually. Already you've compared this guy to Josh. Josh shouldn't even BE in your head when you start dating.

 

Tell this guy thanks but you're raw and just been through a hard break up and far from ready to date.

 

Yes it would be wrong, a waste of your time and his. He isn't looking for a friend and respectfully your mind body and soul is full of Josh even though it is over.

 

Be honest, when you were thinking of sex, Josh must have been in there too..?

 

Truthfully speaking, whenever I think of anything sexual it has to do with josh. I've shared every meaningful sexual encounter I've ever had with him.

 

And I think you're right. I don't feel ready to be in a relationship. But dating..maybe. I mean, casually. Like buddy suggested, maybe a coffee or lunch date.

[whichwayisup]

Truthfully speaking, whenever I think of anything sexual it has to do with josh. I've shared every meaningful sexual encounter I've ever had with him.

 

And I think you're right. I don't feel ready to be in a relationship. But dating..maybe. I mean, casually. Like buddy suggested, maybe a coffee or lunch date.

 

Forget men right now. Reach out to your women friends and bond with them. Have fun. Get a new haircut, go for a spa day. You feel alone and lonely, a man will NOT make you feel better right now. Even casually.

 

You have to grieve, rebuild yourself, heal and find "you" again without Josh being a shadow in your life. Continue with counseling and focus on letting go and again, really letting go/grieving the loss of Josh.

 

Read that NC thread I posted the link a few replies ago.

[Poppy47]

I got asked out today. By a great guy. Cute, sweet, SINGLE.

 

I don't feel like I'm ready yet. I haven't dated anyone who wasn't Josh in years. I'm ready to move on but not sure if I should date yet.

 

This new guy is from a different branch from where I work.

He's very different from what Josh is.

 

Josh is so outstanding. This guy is quiet and kind of shy. I'm not used to that. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him at all.

 

I didn't turn him down but I didn't say yes either. Maybe this is what I need.

 

I don't know. I don't dislike him..would it be wrong to go out with him just to test the waters?

 

Jen,

 

Give this guy some respect. He has asked you out and you want to use him to test the waters??? You are still in fantasy land about the other one.

 

Not fair.

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

If you make it very clear from the beginning, that you aren't ready for a relationship right now following a recent break up (and you don't want to mess him around), but would be okay going out as friends, then it's up to him if he wants to do that.

 

I've had guys ask me out in the past, who were nice, but after a date or two, there was no spark, although they were great to talk to, so we remained friends. After a while, I was really comfortable with them and we'd chat about other relationships we were having over time and I got great advice from a guys point of view.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Honestly Jen- I think dating right now (even if it is for fun and nothing serious) is a bad idea. Here is what will happen:

 

You will spend the entire night comparing any date to Josh THEN you will be very low in thinking you will never love or feel for anyone like you do Josh and you will be tempted to contact him.

 

What do I suggest - girls night out!! Go out - i love to just go out with my girls and have drinks and dance and enjoy the night.

 

You are single- do this, look hot, get hit on- enjoy life.. but don't date not yet. Spend this time finding you, and what you like- don't bring men into this... maybe travel?!

[minimariah]

I don't know. I don't dislike him..would it be wrong to go out with him just to test the waters?

 

nawl. that's what dating is - testing the waters. you're not ready to date but i think you should go... i don't see anything wrong with having fun and meeting new people, new acquaintances, new friends...

 

go. seriously. just have fun, it doesn't need to be a REAL date! you'll see how it goes.

[jennifernyc84]

I'm really not ok right now. I was fine this morning but our song was just playing through the office stereo. Of all the songs in the world.

 

I heard the first few chords and completly lost my s*it.

 

I had to run into the bathroom and I've been here for 10 minutes. I don't think I can get back to work my face is so swollen and my makeup is smeared. I'm such a mess.

 

Thinking of telling my boss that there was some type of an emergency and I need to run home

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm really not ok right now. I was fine this morning but our song was just playing through the office stereo. Of all the songs in the world.

 

I heard the first few chords and completly lost my s*it.

 

I had to run into the bathroom and I've been here for 10 minutes. I don't think I can get back to work my face is so swollen and my makeup is smeared. I'm such a mess.

 

Thinking of telling my boss that there was some type of an emergency and I need to run home

 

Sorry Jen - big hug!

 

If you do leave go workout- strenuous workouts are good for you and also work to get your endorphins back up. This is also keep you a little busy - then maybe go home and put on a good movie, have a good cry, and pull yourself back up tomorrow. Have you seen Waiting to Exhale- one of my personal faves and it will give you some inner chick strength!

 

You do not need him - he is toxic and you are better than being used.

[eye of the storm]

Sorry about the trigger. I know how they hurt.

 

As to dating. I tried to date right away. Each and every guy did not measure up to the all great and powerful MM...It reinforced my thinking that I had lost the best thing to ever happen to me. Which was wrong.

 

I had to truly let go of my MM. Just like you do. No real man can stand up to the fantasy. You still see Josh as having no flaws. You will see every other man as filled with flaws. How can you settle for a real person with good points and bad when you are so glued to an idealized image.

 

You don't see Josh as real. All real people have good and bad, you cannot bring yourself to see the bad, or even acknowledge that he has them.

 

For me, dating to soon slowed down my recovery. I could not view the men as individuals, I only saw them as insufficient replacements for MM.

 

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Stay focused.

[jennifernyc84]

I hate that I had to leave work because of him.

 

It amazes me how much control he still has over me.

 

I've listened to the song on loop since I've gotten home and I can't stop thinking of all the times he promised me it would all work out. He promised me he'd make it right. How many lies I believed. How many lies I told myself.

 

I'm not ready to date at all. I don't know when I'll be. I'm so scared of not finding someone that I care for like I care for josh. I don't think anyone or anything can take the place of the giant hole he's left inside of me.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I hate that I had to leave work because of him.

 

It amazes me how much control he still has over me.

 

I've listened to the song on loop since I've gotten home and I can't stop thinking of all the times he promised me it would all work out. He promised me he'd make it right. How many lies I believed. How many lies I told myself.

 

I'm not ready to date at all. I don't know when I'll be. I'm so scared of not finding someone that I care for like I care for josh. I don't think anyone or anything can take the place of the giant hole he's left inside of me.

 

Jen - realizing how much your past A and Josh are still controlling you is inevitable in the healing process, and IME the sooner it comes, the better. I called in sick from work a few times in the early days, immediately after ending it. And, it was very scary thing for me - the thought of not being able to function and do my job was terrible, and a huge wake up call for me. It made me realize how important my work and career is to me, and how hard I worked to get where I'm now. To put that at risk for eMM?? No. No freakin' way!

 

It takes time, a lot of time to start feeling better. I finally broke up with him in Aug of last year. We saw each other once for coffee in Nov, and it's been NC/LC since usually initiated by him. At this point, I don't even bother to respond. I feel like I don't want to. (Most of my story is on my thread, which I haven't updated in quite some time)

 

I still have a long way to go, but it's much easier now then it was in Aug or Sep, or even a month ago. I can feel it. Some days are bad, and some evenings/nights are really ugly. But, it's becoming more and more manageable, and even tolerable. I can more easily stop thinking about him now, and just go on with other things in my life b/c it has become more important to me than thinking of him.

 

I still feel it's too early for me to start dating. I don't feel ready for it. I'm on a couple OLD sites, and tend to talk to guys, but very cautious about going on an actual date. If I do, I wanna make sure I'm doing it b/c I'm actually interested in getting to know that person. I don't want a date where I'm forcing myself to do it, just to end up more miserable afterwards b/c I forced myself to go on a date hoping it will make me recover from the A sooner. It won't. I need to be comfortable and content with myself first in order to fully enter/embrace the dating world.

 

If I feel like remembering all the good times and precious moments I shared with him, I allow myself time to do it. If I feel like crying, I cry. But, I reached the point where I can't isolate only those good times with him from all the bad - hiding, sneaking around, lying, lonely nights, weekends alone, long weekends alone, holidays alone, vacations alone, not being able to call and talk to him, texting marathon mistaken for communication....etc you know the drill...

 

Just my 2 cents....

 

Jen - you are still early in the healing process. It takes time, but it gets better. Stay strong in your resolve. Be patient. The rest will come.

[eye of the storm]

I'm so scared of not finding someone that I care for like I care for josh. I don't think anyone or anything can take the place of the giant hole he's left inside of me

 

Don't be scared of finding someone you care for like you cared for Josh. Be scared you will. It wasn't a healthy love. It was blind and obsessive. It degraded you.

 

And nobody else will fill the hole inside you. Only you can fill that, and you will fill it with self love, self respect, happiness, goals, peace...all good things. And all things that come from you.

 

I agree, you are in the beginning of a long journey. Don't dread the distance. Look forward to the side trips. Don't forget to spend time looking at the world's largest ball of twine. You are going to get where you need to be, just give yourself time.