Will I ever be his #1?

[minimariah]

Are you really that certain that the mm will file and leave to be with her?

 

thanks for your kind words! and yeah - i really do think he will divorce the wife, eventually & present the OP with the papers. i can't be sure, of course... it's just the feeling i have based on everything she wrote + my general experience with the As and these types of MMs. his behavior is kind of leading to it - it might not make sense but... yeah. it kinda does to me. he's obviously emotionally invested, i don't believe she's just a bootycall for him.

 

not trying to spoil the OP's recovery though with false hopes or anything along these lines... i actually think she would be better off WITHOUT him - even divorced. that's a lot of incoming storm, stress and drama. draining, really.

Edited December 29, 2016 by minimariah

[jenkins95]

Another lightning fast reply! Your keyboard must be smoking by now

 

I agree. It would be ecstasy for a while to realise that dream that has always seemed so close but tantalisingly out of her reach - to actually be official and exclusive with the man of her dreams. But we can only live in that heady, dreamy, fantasy haze for so long. Real life eventually kicks in and he would come with a lot baggage, traumatised child and a very p*ssed off ex very likely to see Jen as public enemy number 1.

 

Alternatively, at 32, Jen could turn her back on all that c*ap and make the world her oyster.

 

I hope you choose option 2 Jen!

Edited December 29, 2016 by jenkins95

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know. I was involved with a guy for 3 years who was supposedly separated. I never saw where he lived the last 2 years so I had my doubts. But he was a million times more extreme with Jen's mm. The longer it goes on, the less likely they are to leave. In the end I left. That was 11 years ago and they are still married. I really think a man does not typically leave for a woman or if he does, he will ping pong back and forth. Trust me, it's worse.

 

To Jen - Happy Birthday. 32 is young. At 32 I was already divorced from my first husband, dating the loser I wrote about above, and yet to meet my current (and last, lol) husband. I did not have my children till 36 and 38. Life is just starting for you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Another lightning fast reply! Your keyboard must be smoking by now

 

I agree. It would be ecstasy for a while to realise that dream that has always seemed so close but tantalisingly out of her reach - to actually be official and exclusive with the man of her dreams. But we can only live in that heady, dreamy, fantasy haze for so long. Real life eventually kicks in and he would come with a lot baggage, traumatised child and a very p*ssed off ex very likely to see Jen as public enemy number 1.

 

Alternatively, at 32, Jen could turn her back on all that c*ap and make the world her oyster.

 

I hope you choose option 2 Jen!

 

Totally. Hell is other people's kids. Heck, I can barely wait till my own go off on the school bus next Tuesday.

[jenkins95]

Totally. Hell is other people's kids. Heck, I can barely wait till my own go off on the school bus next Tuesday.

 

Oh midnight you make me laugh.

 

I love my kids more than anything in the world....but boy, will that bus be a welcome sight next week.

 

I've lost count of how many spilled drinks I've wiped up, how many crushed-into-the-carpet crisps I've scraped up on my hands and knees, how many games of monopoly I've had to play (and lose!), how many times I've been jumped on.....and how much effort I've tried to put into to start reading my new book - I've got to about page 5 so far, 4 days after Christmas. I did get a whole 39 seconds undisturbed at one point and got through almost a quarter of a page in one sitting!

 

Oh, great days.

 

And on a very serious note....In my stupidity, I jeopardised it all.

[jennifernyc84]

Honestly, at this point, I hope he doesn't file. I've dreamed of it for 4 years every single day. If he was to file now, I don't know if I'd be able to just not care. I'm in the healing process right now, and a divorce from him would no doubt give me a total relapse.

 

And Mariah, you didn't ruin my day, don't worry. But you did terrify me

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes guys.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh midnight you make me laugh.

 

I love my kids more than anything in the world....but boy, will that bus be a welcome sight next week.

 

I've lost count of how many spilled drinks I've wiped up, how many crushed-into-the-carpet crisps I've scraped up on my hands and knees, how many games of monopoly I've had to play (and lose!), how many times I've been jumped on.....and how much effort I've tried to put into to start reading my new book - I've got to about page 5 so far, 4 days after Christmas. I did get a whole 39 seconds undisturbed at one point and got through almost a quarter of a page in one sitting!

 

Oh, great days.

 

And on a very serious note....In my stupidity, I jeopardised it all.

 

Yeah I know. I could have easily been typing this in a rental apartment on divorce row by the train station near my house, seeing my kids 3 days on, 4 days off. It's not really my kids though, I realize how bad that makes me sound, but being a mom was not my big goal, it was finding a partner and I would never have found someone out there like my husband. And trust me, xmm was nothing like my husband.

 

To Jen, you don't want him like this. Ideally you want to run into him in 3 years and he is divorced and ready for a relationship. If he ever did leave, you don't want to be involved in the divorce process and all the guilt he will have. I have a male friend getting divorced, he cries every night over his kids. He has a girlfriend (was not a OW) but she wipes his tears and comforts him. It's just a bad idea. Being the transition girlfriend typically does not end well.

[minimariah]

Heck, I can barely wait till my own go off on the school bus next Tuesday.

 

...but boy, will that bus be a welcome sight next week.

 

+ 1!

 

y'all... you'd THINK it gets easier when they transform into teens... it doesn't.

 

at all.

 

And on a very serious note....In my stupidity, I jeopardised it all.

 

huuuuuuuuuuugs! ups & downs, yeah? it's not a straight road. you're such a genuinely nice dude, i hope it all works out the way you want it to!

 

p.s. i'm cheating in Monopoly for YEARS now and winning and feeling fantastic. take from that statement what you want!

 

And Mariah, you didn't ruin my day, don't worry. But you did terrify me

 

LOL, i know! i hope you know i didn't have any malicious intentions though - even when my words sound harsh. you'll get a lot of responses - take what you need and forget the rest.

[jenkins95]

you're such a genuinely nice dude, i hope it all works out the way you want it

 

Mariah, you got me blushing - thank you! And I've never been called a dude before! I like it.seriously really appreciate your support!

 

It's been a very tough year and a half but things are going well and Christmas has been happy (monopoly, spilled drinks,etc notwithstanding!). In general, still ups and downs but thankfully more of the former. When I'm happy, as I am right now, I'm learning to live in the moment. When I'm unhappy, I tell myself that it will pass...and it does!

 

 

p.s. i'm cheating in Monopoly for YEARS now and winning and feeling fantastic. take from that statement what you want!

 

Great, I'll give it a try! Unfortunately my experience in cheating did not involve monopoly! But that's all behind me now!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Jenkins, do you still think of her? It's been over a year since you saw her, right?

[jennifernyc84]

It's after 1am and the girls just dropped me off to my apartment. No one was home waiting for me because I am single. All the lights were off because I shut them off when I left. It's cold in here because I turned the heat down when I left. Everything is exactly the same as it was when I left this place so many hours ago. It stayed that way because I have no one to turn on the lights, or the heat, or move that glass I was drinking wine out of before I left. I live alone. So everything stays the same.

 

Josh isn't alone though. Nope. He's got his little, young, beautiful family. Pretty wife, 2 year old son who is into just about everything. And all that comes along with it.

 

When he or his wife come home from a long day, they walk into a warm place filled with lights and sounds of talking maybe even laughing, but most of all, love. Someone who loves them is there waiting for them to come home. Someone can't wait for them to come home.

 

Not me though. No one would even notice if I didn't make it home, because I am single. And the man I would give me right arm for is in bed with his wife.

 

Birthdays over. Goodnight all

[jennifernyc84]

I don't mean to sound whiny of like a cranky teenager, I'm sorry if I do. I had fun with my girls. They treated me for mani-pedi, then dinner and drinks, then we went to a few bars and drank some more and danced with random guys. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I know I said I've been ok and I said the worse is behind me. But I'm so ashamed to say this, I feel really shi**y again. Not sure if I want to vomit or cry...maybe both

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't mean to sound whiny of like a cranky teenager, I'm sorry if I do. I had fun with my girls. They treated me for mani-pedi, then dinner and drinks, then we went to a few bars and drank some more and danced with random guys. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I know I said I've been ok and I said the worse is behind me. But I'm so ashamed to say this, I feel really shi**y again. Not sure if I want to vomit or cry...maybe both

 

Maybe both and that is okay. Stay here posting rather than contacting him.

 

I went out got drunk one night, hung out with a couple who started out as an affair... they were so happy my urge to contact MM and reignite the affair to wait on him longer hit me so strong that I threw my phone against my car dash to get it away from me... talk about a fit.. we all have them.

 

They truly suck.. especially when we cannot see the consequences they will suffer or may not.. you are doing good.

 

Happy late bday!

[Chica80]

I don't mean to sound whiny of like a cranky teenager, I'm sorry if I do. I had fun with my girls. They treated me for mani-pedi, then dinner and drinks, then we went to a few bars and drank some more and danced with random guys. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I know I said I've been ok and I said the worse is behind me. But I'm so ashamed to say this, I feel really shi**y again. Not sure if I want to vomit or cry...maybe both

 

It's ok to do both....He may have those things but don't think about him. Think about you...YOU have the choice to start fresh. To have that, to find someone to love who loves you back.

Don't give up. The ups and downs will come hang in there!!

[BuddyX]

You need to manage your Highs and Lows a little better. You had a great time with the girls came back to an empty apartment with no messages waiting for you. And you started to freak out.

 

Here's a difficult question. Are you that desperate for company that you're willing to jeopardize your own self worth?

 

Think about the following quote. "In silence you'll find strength." Get used to being alone. In fact, embrace it. You'll quickly find out what's missing in your life when you have no one around you.

[Adoraxx]

Think about the following quote. "In silence you'll find strength."

 

I love this, thank you

[heartwhole]

Happy Birthday Jen. Hope you feel more peaceful after a good night's sleep.

[elaine567]

It's after 1am and the girls just dropped me off to my apartment. No one was home waiting for me because I am single. All the lights were off because I shut them off when I left. It's cold in here because I turned the heat down when I left. Everything is exactly the same as it was when I left this place so many hours ago. It stayed that way because I have no one to turn on the lights, or the heat, or move that glass I was drinking wine out of before I left. I live alone. So everything stays the same.

 

Don't do that to yourself.l

Leave the lights on to welcome yourself back, buy a timer if money is an issue and set some table lamps to come on when you return, do not shut off the heating, set the timer to make sure it is lovely and warm when you walk in the door.

Stop punishing yourself and start spoiling yourself.

[jennifernyc84]

Last night was one of the most difficult nights I've ever had.

 

After having a great birthday thanks to my girls, coming home to no one, I don't know, reality just kinda b*tch slapped me. It made me think of all the things he's robbed me of. I know it was just as much my fault as it was his, but in my defense, I did try to end things more than once. He'd always find a way back. Granted, i was the one letting him back, but still.

 

Maybe I should start to take responsibility for my own actions a little more. Seeing it written down, makes it look like he's the only one in the wrong.

 

I know I've made him sound like such a bad guy and I'm this innocent little damsel. Neither of those things are true. He really is a good guy. That's what makes this so hard. I can't hate him..ever. No matter what, I will never hate him.

 

But anyway,...I've realized that alcohol makes me become very emotional. Might stay away from it for a bit. It does more harm than good. I need my brain cells here.

[spideywoman]

 

But anyway,...I've realized that alcohol makes me become very emotional. Might stay away from it for a bit. It does more harm than good. I need my brain cells here.

 

Oh yes. true for me. everything is heightened. i have seriously cut back on alcohol these past few months because of this very reason. i was having one too many nights like the one you had last night and was not able to sit with myself to just feel and let feel. it's horrible but you need to endure the pain to get to the other side. i've been doing a lot of quiet nights at home with me and myself (and my dog of course) and it has helped a lot. and the other day when i had a few glasses of wine at a xmas party i was my usual happy drunk again.

 

felt good.

 

stay strong Jen.

[heartwhole]

I can't comment on who is a good person or not, but I see a man who was having an affair while a newlywed and spending tons of money on IV treatments, while having his first child and being a new father. After a DD and a chance to make things right with his wife, he kept lying to her and to you. None of this spells "good person" or "man likely to turn into a solid life partner" to me.

 

All of our stories are different, yes, but I can't imagine being with someone who could lie to my face like that. My WH was careful just to lie by omission about the OW. When I asked a direct question, he confessed and ended it with her completely. I cannot fathom staying with someone who will straight up lie to my face (and it doesn't matter if such a person has an affair, IMO -- the lying with no compunction is a flaw that can't be fixed). I could never stay with a person like that, nor could I hope to snag one away from his wife. It's bad enough that my WH did what he did, but at least he was weird and distant during the affair -- at least he wasn't able to act fake.

 

If I could say anything to my husband's OW, who is still single and entering her late 30s, I would say that she deserves love . . . from others, from herself. That loving yourself means high expectations both of yourself and of others. It means following your true north and knowing that others of the same caliber will come into your life when you make room for them. I would say that a man worth having will never ask you to be a dirty secret.

 

I feel helpless when I hear about OW and BW who don't value themselves like they should. On DD I had such clarity about my worth -- he was all "But we having feelings for each other and you neglected me and blah blah blah" and I just said, no. NO. I deserve so much more than this and because you are the father of my children you get a second chance but make no mistake . . . any man of character would be happy to be with a woman like me. I will not settle and I will not accept lies or selfishness or being part of some ridiculous love triangle. I will not chase some stupid man who's chasing someone else. No. (His eyes got big and he swallowed whatever he was going to say about it being my fault and his precious feelings for OW. He knew he had one chance.)

 

I can't believe your MM has two woman desperate to be with him because IMO he deserves zero. Not because he doesn't have redeeming qualities, but because he doesn't know how to love.

 

Please be kind to yourself and find that self confidence within yourself to refuse to accept anything less than what you deserve.

[BTDT2012]

Maybe I should start to take responsibility for my own actions a little more. Seeing it written down, makes it look like he's the only one in the wrong.

 

This is a good start. You owe yourself more than being a sidepiece. Learn from this experience. You have to be good alone before you can be good with someone else.

 

And take him off that pedestal.

[whichwayisup]

Happy belated birthday!

 

You're going to have ups and downs, and feel good then feel sad and then mad. That's okay its part of the grieving process. You can't get over someone in a few weeks, especially since you've loved him for so many years. It takes time.

 

Please look into counseling.

[jennifernyc84]

I can't comment on who is a good person or not, but I see a man who was having an affair while a newlywed and spending tons of money on IV treatments, while having his first child and being a new father. After a DD and a chance to make things right with his wife, he kept lying to her and to you. None of this spells "good person" or "man likely to turn into a solid life partner" to me.

 

All of our stories are different, yes, but I can't imagine being with someone who could lie to my face like that. My WH was careful just to lie by omission about the OW. When I asked a direct question, he confessed and ended it with her completely. I cannot fathom staying with someone who will straight up lie to my face (and it doesn't matter if such a person has an affair, IMO -- the lying with no compunction is a flaw that can't be fixed). I could never stay with a person like that, nor could I hope to snag one away from his wife. It's bad enough that my WH did what he did, but at least he was weird and distant during the affair -- at least he wasn't able to act fake.

 

If I could say anything to my husband's OW, who is still single and entering her late 30s, I would say that she deserves love . . . from others, from herself. That loving yourself means high expectations both of yourself and of others. It means following your true north and knowing that others of the same caliber will come into your life when you make room for them. I would say that a man worth having will never ask you to be a dirty secret.

 

I feel helpless when I hear about OW and BW who don't value themselves like they should. On DD I had such clarity about my worth -- he was all "But we having feelings for each other and you neglected me and blah blah blah" and I just said, no. NO. I deserve so much more than this and because you are the father of my children you get a second chance but make no mistake . . . any man of character would be happy to be with a woman like me. I will not settle and I will not accept lies or selfishness or being part of some ridiculous love triangle. I will not chase some stupid man who's chasing someone else. No. (His eyes got big and he swallowed whatever he was going to say about it being my fault and his precious feelings for OW. He knew he had one chance.)

 

I can't believe your MM has two woman desperate to be with him because IMO he deserves zero. Not because he doesn't have redeeming qualities, but because he doesn't know how to love.

 

Please be kind to yourself and find that self confidence within yourself to refuse to accept anything less than what you deserve.

 

I'm sorry for what you went though. You didn't deserve that and it was definitely not your fault.

 

See, I said in an earlier post that I felt no remorse for his wife. But yet, for other betrayed spouses, I do. I think I finally have it figured out. She didn't deserve it just like all the other betrayed spouses don't deserve it. But the difference is, none of the other spouses have the man I want.

 

It's about me. I'm the problem. I was angry with her the minute I found out they were engaged! I created this false animosity between us that never even existed. "Oh do you see how she's staring at me?" This is what I'd say even before they were married. I made her out to be the bad person, the one pulling the trigger. And I never once stopped to think about her or her son.

 

I want to thank you for this post, heartwhole, it was kind of an eye opener.

 

I've been reading posts from fellow OW point of view and I have avoided posts from BS because I felt it wouldn't relate to me. That was very wrong of me.

 

I need to see how she feels. She's innocent. She loves him just like I do. The only difference is that she has his ring on her finger. And if he loved me, it would be on mines.

[jennifernyc84]

Happy belated birthday!

 

You're going to have ups and downs, and feel good then feel sad and then mad. That's okay its part of the grieving process. You can't get over someone in a few weeks, especially since you've loved him for so many years. It takes time.

 

Please look into counseling.

 

You guys are my counseling!