Husband is cheating on me

[ladydesigner]

(((Heart broke))) listen to what everyone is telling you. IT IS VERY SERIOUS that he hit you. I was in an abusive relationship before I met my Stbx and he nearly killed me. They do ramp it up after the first time. Each time will get progressively worse.

 

I know this is scary. I know you cannot imagine life without him., but you need to save yourself more!

 

Please go to a women's shelter if you need to. They will help you and your kids find employment, housing, clothing, insurance, etc.

 

Absolutely talk to someone close to you about this.

[BetrayedH]

I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. ...I will not be treated this way.

 

Keep this mindset.

[Heart broke]

I got the kids to go stay the night with their friends. My son saw him lose his temper with me earlier, but I don't know how much of it he really saw. I'm hoping not much...

 

Then I told him I was leaving and he took my keys, so now I'm not. I'm not close enough to anyone to feel okay talking about this with.

 

He started telling me we watched this movie not to long ago and the man was having some ED issues and I laughed when it happened and it humiliated him. I vaguely remember the incident, but I was laughing at him...when it happened with us I just did other things that he wouldn't need to do any work because I am so in love with him. I would never purposely hurt his feelings. I apologized for making him feel that way, but I asked him if it was worth all of this and he sat down and cried. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew I shouldn't so I went upstairs.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want her to have my man... I adore him.

[BaileyB]

Nothing that you could ever do should ever make it acceptable for a man to become physically violent with a woman. NOTHING!

 

He is broken. Any man who cheats on you, becomes violent, and then blames you is not a good man. You stay with him at your own peril.

 

Your children will pay the price if you stay. They will learn that it is acceptable for a man to yell, berate, and hit a woman. They will carry that forward into their own relationships. They will lose respect for you for allowing this to happen. They will lose respect for your husband for abusing the people he is supposed to love and care for most in the world. They will live in fear and uncertainty - wondering what will happen next to provoke your husband and when the next blow will be delivered... toward you, or to them.

 

Stop the cycle of violence now. Call a counsellor. Talk with a priest. Call the police. get the help you need to ensure that your family is safe from this man.

[BaileyB]

I got the kids to go stay the night with their friends. My son saw him lose his temper with me earlier, but I don't know how much of it he really saw. I'm hoping not much...

 

Then I told him I was leaving and he took my keys, so now I'm not. I'm not close enough to anyone to feel okay talking about this with.

 

He started telling me we watched this movie not to long ago and the man was having some ED issues and I laughed when it happened and it humiliated him. I vaguely remember the incident, but I was laughing at him...when it happened with us I just did other things that he wouldn't need to do any work because I am so in love with him. I would never purposely hurt his feelings. I apologized for making him feel that way, but I asked him if it was worth all of this and he sat down and cried. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew I shouldn't so I went upstairs.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want her to have my man... I adore him.

 

He took your keys... So you stayed. My goodness. Nobody has the right to do that to you - husband or not!

 

You adore him - this man who controls you, cheats on you, calls you names, and hits you. Wow. You have a very twisted definition of love.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh no now you're focusing on the other woman & don't want her to win your man! That's so very predictable. Please listen. This is NOT about the other woman. It could be anyone who took his fancy or/& was available.

 

She might even be innocent & not know he's married or he's told her that you're an evil, controlling, abusive shrew who won't have sex with him. It's ALWAYS one of the 2. ALWAYS! (Read the Other Woman forum here on LS. That's what nearly ALL of them believe to be true!!)

 

If you get the strength to throw him out & get a restraining order & file for divorce he will NOT run into her arms! If you stand tall & do these things he will be whimpering around you begging for forgiveness. She will go from irresistible to zero in 10 seconds. YOU WILL BE IN CONTROL!!

 

Like my husband, he is feeling crappy about himself. He can't accept blame so what does he do? He slimes after some woman to make himself feel good but it doesn't! It makes him feel even worse. Even more of a failure. He's hating himself. He's not the man he thought he was. He's very angry about this but his ego won't allow him to take the blame....So it's ALL YOUR FAULT!! At this point even your breathing makes him angry...been there. It's a living nightmare!!

 

Has he dumped the OW yet? How & when did he do that? Has he given you the details of the affair yet?

[Maddieandtae]

Heart Broke this is all so sad, your husband isn't being held accountable for his actions. He can and will do whatever he wants to you, you've shown him how to treat you and he will keep behaving despicably.

 

How will you feel when your son does the same as your husband has to you to a girlfriend or when your daughter has an abusive boyfriend?

 

We teach our kids what to accept from people by our own behaviours. Your heart will really be broken to see you and your husbands relationship played out through your kids:(

Edited December 11, 2016 by Maddieandtae
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[dreamingoftigers]

I came home early so I could be here when the kids left for school. After they'd gone I started asking him about it. He's known her a few months, and one of our good friends introduced them. They slept together once. I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before.

 

We have a good relationship, we still have chemistry. We made love earlier this week. I'm a stay at home mom, and we have a beautiful home, money, I always try and make everything perfect for him. I am in great shape, I support and encourage him, I try to be s good wife.

 

Over the last year he's gained a lot of weight. I haven't said a word because I know it bothers him, and I don't mind. He works so hard to give us everything we want and need that I don't have a reason to nag him.

 

I had so much I wanted to do today, but my heart is broke. I can't get out of bed. I can't stop crying. He just text me and asked if I am okay, but I haven't responded.

 

If he slept with her "only once" then I'm.a Chinese Contortionist Acrobat."

[Heart broke]

I told him I wanted to know the details. He told me who she was, when and where they met, and at first they were just talking and did coke together. Then after a few more meetings he slept with her. I asked him if he thought about what he may be exposing me to, and he said he got tested and never did it again but was texting her for the boost. Little does he know it takes longer than that for some diseases to show up!!!

 

Then I asked to see her, and it's a girl I've seen before but have never met, and I haven't seen her since this started going on. I feel bad for what I'm about to say, but she's gross! Greasy hair, bad teeth, overweight, covered in tattoos, not his type at all.

 

I told him I was sorry but I just can't be his wife anymore. Not after he not only did that, but he's been around my babies on drugs. Cocaine stays in your system for three days!!! I cannot allow that.

 

Then he started screaming at me that we will not be getting a divorce. Then accused me of cheating I've never been with another man in my life. I can hear him breaking things downstairs, I think he broke the new TV I just bought him... I'm going to check later when he calms down. He is refusing to give me my keys and won't let the dog follow me upstairs either

[BaileyB]

Good for you! Stand your ground.

 

Cheating and drugs - not acceptable! You are right to be worried about the risk to your health and the safet of yourself and your children.

 

His behavior will escalate because he is feeling very threatened right now. If he won't give you your keys, you call the police from upstairs. He's violent and he's unpredictable right now. Do what you need to do to be safe!

[dreamingoftigers]

If a woman I knew were in this situation I'd tell her to leave. Which is what I'm looking into right now, but... our babies... I don't want them to know. Not only because I don't want them to think badly of their dad, but I dont want them to think less of me. The fact he hit me, the fact I provoked him enough to hit me... I'm so embarrassed.

 

I don't know how to be without him. He's my life, him and the kids... I've tried to always make sure he has everything I can give him. He's my lover

 

He apologized when he came home and tried to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him. I don't want him to think it's okay, but I just don't want to lose my guy...

 

The thing I just don't know what I've lost to make him act in this way, but he's changed so much. For example the weight gain, and he's not as outgoing as he use to be, and he seems a lot more serious. None of those things are bad, but I was supportive of them, not mean which would maybe lead this to making more sense to me...

 

If your kids got punched in the stomach by a bully, would you look down on them and judge them thinking they 'provoked' it?

 

Yes, he's a mess.

 

How did he get here?

 

By not managing himself and acting with integrity.

 

You can't fix him by sticking around.

 

You can however, male a bad situation so much worse by trying to patch things up with someone who thinks they have the right to cheat on you and lunch you when they don't like what you have to say about it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Heart broke, do you realize this is twice within a couple of days? He's obviously broken through whatever barrier of self-control was keeping him in check and his current behavior is at best unpredictable - and at worst dangerous.

 

You owe it to your kids to make a change - do you want them to see him hit you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Once the mask slips off of a narcissistic cheater they can get VERY DANGEROUS because they view it as a threat and being vulnerable.

 

There's no talking them out of this BTW.

 

Yours is outright manhandling you and telling you that you aren't allowed to divorce.

 

You've got a dangerous one. Get out.

[MJJean]

So, let me get this straight. He does coke, he cheats on you, and he hits you, but he's a great guy you adore who you want to stay married to and have be the example of manhood your children are influenced by?

 

Honey, trust me, you'd be wise to pack him up, drive him to the OW's house, and present him to her on a silver platter wearing a big red bow.

[BaileyB]

Honey, trust me, you'd be wise to pack him up, drive him to the OW's house, and present him to her on a silver platter wearing a big red bow.

 

Absolutely. He can be her problem now...

[dreamingoftigers]

I told him I wanted to know the details. He told me who she was, when and where they met, and at first they were just talking and did coke together. Then after a few more meetings he slept with her. I asked him if he thought about what he may be exposing me to, and he said he got tested and never did it again but was texting her for the boost. Little does he know it takes longer than that for some diseases to show up!!!

 

Then I asked to see her, and it's a girl I've seen before but have never met, and I haven't seen her since this started going on. I feel bad for what I'm about to say, but she's gross! Greasy hair, bad teeth, overweight, covered in tattoos, not his type at all.

 

I told him I was sorry but I just can't be his wife anymore. Not after he not only did that, but he's been around my babies on drugs. Cocaine stays in your system for three days!!! I cannot allow that.

 

Then he started screaming at me that we will not be getting a divorce. Then accused me of cheating I've never been with another man in my life. I can hear him breaking things downstairs, I think he broke the new TV I just bought him... I'm going to check later when he calms down. He is refusing to give me my keys and won't let the dog follow me upstairs either

 

Honestly, this is a typical cheating husband temper tantrum.

 

He felt like he was entitled to the vagina buffet and now he's entitled to the wife and family too. And the drugs. Let's not forget that.

 

And if you get in between him and anything he feels entitled to, he'll get dangerous.

 

The mindfck has three channels.

 

1. Charm.

2. Self-pity

 

And when those fail,

 

3. Rage.

 

He's not the man you thought he was. I hope you can peel through the trauma and adjust to the new reality quickly.

 

It took me years and caused a lot of damage.

 

Your husband is not a special snowflake. He's just like the rest of our husbands now that he's been exposed.

 

That's a sad thing. I'm so sorry.

 

He will keep up the temper tantrums in an effort to bring things under his control again. He figures that he's 'your whole life' remember?

[Heart broke]

He does coke

 

No. After that revelation and knowing he's been around the kids on it we are done.

 

I'm so sad, every year we make a new year's resolution as a couple, and for 2017 we already decided we were going to have another baby... now we won't. I don't get to be a mommy again

[dreamingoftigers]

So, let me get this straight. He does coke, he cheats on you, and he hits you, but he's a great guy you adore who you want to stay married to and have be the example of manhood your children are influenced by?

 

Honey, trust me, you'd be wise to pack him up, drive him to the OW's house, and present him to her on a silver platter wearing a big red bow.

 

Hell, I'll call him a cab.

[dreamingoftigers]

No. After that revelation and knowing he's been around the kids on it we are done.

 

I'm so sad, every year we make a new year's resolution as a couple, and for 2017 we already decided we were going to have another baby... now we won't. I don't get to be a mommy again

 

I thought I wasn't going to be a Mom again either.

 

You can't see the future.

 

You probably just won't be a mom again with him.

 

That's not a bad thing.

[BaileyB]

No. After that revelation and knowing he's been around the kids on it we are done.

 

I'm so sad, every year we make a new year's resolution as a couple, and for 2017 we already decided we were going to have another baby... now we won't. I don't get to be a mommy again

 

I'm so sorry. But, you are doing the right thing, for yourself and your children.

[Heart broke]

I went downstairs and he did smash the TV... that's going to be hard to explain to the kids tomorrow.

 

I think things would be worse if I already am pregnant. While we haven't been actively trying, we haven't been using protection the last few times we've had sex.

[Mr. Lucky]

they were just talking and did coke together.

 

That would explain the acceleration in the decline of both his appearance and self-control.

 

I went downstairs and he did smash the TV... that's going to be hard to explain to the kids tomorrow.

 

And so begins the next level of craziness.

 

You must have a friend or family member you can take the kids to and spend the night with. You should think of this as an emergency...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovemebreakme]

This goes way over some cheating. This man is doing drugs, breaking things and has hit you. I'm in the same boat with domestic violent but this man has no remorse and is blaming you for it. I'd call the police and have him removed before he does something seriously wrong. This is out of your control.

[ShatteredLady]

Are you ok?

[dreamingoftigers]

Please check back in soon.

[merrmeade]

He started telling me we watched this movie not to long ago and the man was having some ED issues and I laughed when it happened and it humiliated him. I vaguely remember the incident, but I was laughing at him...when it happened with us I just did other things that he wouldn't need to do any work because I am so in love with him. I would never purposely hurt his feelings. I apologized for making him feel that way, but I asked him if it was worth all of this and he sat down and cried. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew I shouldn't so I went upstairs.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want her to have my man... I adore him.

Listen, Heart Broke, this is another thing that also 'happens' - blame-shifting - except that you bought into it. That's not healthy for you.

 

Reread what you just wrote and the interaction you've described: He shifted the blame to you by implying that your (supposed) condescension about the ED is the reason he cheated. I suspect this pattern has happened before. Together with his bullying intimidation, you accepted his version, apologized, and even felt sorry for him. But good that you left the room.

 

It must be unimaginably hard, staying under the same roof with him. But taking your car keys is beyond the pale. He's trying to control you. You need to get away from this person as soon as possible.