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Husband is cheating on me

Heart broke

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted (edited)
I came home early so I could be here when the kids left for school. After they'd gone I started asking him about it. He's known her a few months, and one of our good friends introduced them. They slept together once. I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before. :(

 

We have a good relationship, we still have chemistry. We made love earlier this week. I'm a stay at home mom, and we have a beautiful home, money, I always try and make everything perfect for him. I am in great shape, I support and encourage him, I try to be s good wife.

 

Over the last year he's gained a lot of weight. I haven't said a word because I know it bothers him, and I don't mind. He works so hard to give us everything we want and need that I don't have a reason to nag him.

 

I had so much I wanted to do today, but my heart is broke. I can't get out of bed. I can't stop crying. He just text me and asked if I am okay, but I haven't responded.

 

None of the good stuff in your marriage matter if he cheated on you and assaulted you.

 

Her needs to be out of your house TODAY. In your shoes, I would call someone you trust to come and stay with you for a few days while your WH cools off. Do not allow him back in if he is going to hit you.

 

btw...watch this...it makes a very good point

Edited by wmacbride
  • Like 7
BTDT2012 Established Member

BTDT2012

Posted
Posted
I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him. I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad that my best friend could do that... I'm going through everything in my head that could have led us to this point and I can't think of anything. He keeps texting me asking if I need anything and he's sorry he doesn't know what came over him... I don't think I deserved that.

 

I love him. I don't want to leave him, but I know he'll just keep seeing her. Don't they always?

 

I don't know what I've done to make him want someone else...

You haven't done anything to make him want someone else. Repeat this until you believe it. He is dangerous. All abusive relationships began with one hit. And you need to connect with your anger. He betrayed you, then physically attacked you. If you don't take definitive action, it will happen again, and each time will be worse than the one before.

  • Like 5
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted
I came home early so I could be here when the kids left for school. After they'd gone I started asking him about it. He's known her a few months, and one of our good friends introduced them. They slept together once. I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before. :(

 

We have a good relationship, we still have chemistry. We made love earlier this week. I'm a stay at home mom, and we have a beautiful home, money, I always try and make everything perfect for him. I am in great shape, I support and encourage him, I try to be s good wife.

 

Over the last year he's gained a lot of weight. I haven't said a word because I know it bothers him, and I don't mind. He works so hard to give us everything we want and need that I don't have a reason to nag him.

 

I had so much I wanted to do today, but my heart is broke. I can't get out of bed. I can't stop crying. He just text me and asked if I am okay, but I haven't responded.

 

No... No... No...

 

The hell with this guy. Go, file a police report, file for a temporary restraining order, get him out of your house and file for a divorce. You have done nothing wrong here. He cheated and then put his hands on you. The situation just got dangerous: remove yourself and your kids from it.

 

Think a head to the future here. My ex-wife's ex was physically abusive towards, she kicked him out but never filed charges against him. She did manage to get a restraining order against him because of other actions but she made life much harder for herself by not having those charges on file. He was a royal screw-up and really did emotional damage to the kids. However, she could not get his visitation rights taken away because she didn't have police reports to back up just how violent his behavior was.

 

Please, please heed the advice on this board and get yourself and your kids away from him.

  • Like 3
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him.

 

Almost the same thing happened to a family member on my wife's side. We found out long after the fact, he hit her the first time when confronted over his cheating. She said nothing, stayed in the marriage "for the kids" and spent the next next 30 years being physically abused. It all finally came to light when he shoved her during an argument and she fell, breaking her hip. Even then, she begged other family members not to have him arrested.

 

You have a choice that could affect you and the example you set for others for a long, long time. Make the right decision and get help. It may be the only way your H gets help for his inappropriate behavior also.

 

Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 6
mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

Posted
Posted

I echo the crowd, file a police report. There is no merit in staying with an abuser. Protect yourself and your children, do you want your son to grow up to be an abuser and a cheat? because that's the example his father is setting and his mother is tolerating. If you stay and your children turn out to be violent and unfaithful, part of it's your fault.

  • Like 5
understand50 Established Member

understand50

Posted
Posted
I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him. I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad that my best friend could do that... I'm going through everything in my head that could have led us to this point and I can't think of anything. He keeps texting me asking if I need anything and he's sorry he doesn't know what came over him... I don't think I deserved that.

 

I love him. I don't want to leave him, but I know he'll just keep seeing her. Don't they always?

 

I don't know what I've done to make him want someone else...

 

Heartbroke,

 

You need to act. You and your kids are in danger. Why would you not protect them, if not yourself? Just call. The consequences will be bad for him, but real men, never beat their wife - period. Please do not be one of those statistics. I do not know anything else to say, or how to reach you. IF I was a friend or a family member I would be over there, driving you to the police.

 

DO the right thing. For yourself and your kids.

 

I wish you luck.....

  • Like 5
adna89 Established Member

adna89

Posted
Posted

Is he emotional with her or is it just sexual? if there are emotions,then sure he is going to see her..if its just sexual you have a great chance to stop it

Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted

Should this even be a thread at this point?

 

Her H punched her & she's more concerned about why how he could sleep with another woman...it's evident she had some major emotional issues that go way beyond an him having an A & I feel to even engage in the A conversation over the abuse is an extreme disservice to her. Most BS biggest problem is the A itself, actual physical danger takes/should take precedent over anything else, including an A.

 

OP...call the police, protect yourself & your kids. Who cares who he's sleeping with, it no longer matters. You're H is an abusive narcissist, no matter what you do, he doesn't care. It has nothing to do with you, it's him...get yourself into counseling immediately, if not for yourself for your kids bc they're living in an abusive household. If you choose to live that way, its your choice but no one giving your kids a choice, including their mother. Also I'd bet your H has been abusive in different ways for a while, he's just now graduated to it being physical. Honestly prayers to you & your children.

  • Like 9
stilltrying16 Established Member

stilltrying16

Posted
Posted
I came home early so I could be here when the kids left for school. After they'd gone I started asking him about it. He's known her a few months, and one of our good friends introduced them. They slept together once. I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before. :(

 

We have a good relationship, we still have chemistry. We made love earlier this week. I'm a stay at home mom, and we have a beautiful home, money, I always try and make everything perfect for him. I am in great shape, I support and encourage him, I try to be s good wife.

 

Over the last year he's gained a lot of weight. I haven't said a word because I know it bothers him, and I don't mind. He works so hard to give us everything we want and need that I don't have a reason to nag him.

 

I had so much I wanted to do today, but my heart is broke. I can't get out of bed. I can't stop crying. He just text me and asked if I am okay, but I haven't responded.

 

He punched you! What a ****ing *******. He's a loser and a piece of ****. I'm sorry, your post made me so mad.

 

I think there are many types of cheaters in the world, but one distinct type is people who are feeling down on themselves and try to make themselves feel better by a) looking for ego kibbles from an AP and b) by dragging down someone else. I think this man fits the type to a T.

 

My heart is breaking reading your post. I am so sorry. You do not deserve this. I'm so glad you left last night. The contempt and condescension in the way he spoke to you yesterday was bad enough. His physical abuse today means you CAN'T let things continue as they are. He had the nerve to sneer at you AFTER he hit you to say you were overreacting? Words fail me. This man is toxic and he is a miserable human being. Please protect yourself.

 

Nothing you did caused the affair. And nothing you did caused his abuse. You are not to blame!

 

I know it must hurt to hear what we are saying. It's easier to tell yourself "it wasn't so bad," and that you love him and need him for your kids. I won't say too much about love, but please know that love itself is not really enough and that sometimes what seems like love is actually co-dependency. I truly think if you find yourself minimizing that is the shock and fear talking. Don't let those things take over at this point. Think calmly.

 

I agree that YOU MUST file a report. If it seems hard to do- or excessive, please go back and reread the posts here and think of how horrible the effects can be if you let this slide. If it's still hard to convince yourself, please at least try talking to a DV shelter, someone at the YWCA, and so on. Seek support and help. You were so smart to come here and post- and people have already given you terrific advice. But do you also have people IRL you can call on? Can you call a helpline? PLEASE SEEK HELP!!!!!

 

Call the DV hotline. It's anonymous and confidential. They even have a chat feature. But don't do it if he can see you! And erase your search history.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

 

 

We have a good relationship,
Honey, I'm sorry to say this, but no, you don't, not from what you've said. Even in your first post, the contempt and condescension he showed to you was appalling. And as others have said, after his physical violence, it's GAME OVER.

 

Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

  • Like 9
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

And I am going to point out - there is no use is loving someone who does not love you.

 

He is not SHOWING you love. He might say he loves you, but his actions say something very different don't they?

 

Would you call someone you loved an idiot after your deceived and hurt them? Would you call someone you loved pathetic after you punched them? Would you go and F' someone - and then when confronted tell them they are crazy?

 

Love is an action, not a word. You shouldn't give your love to someone that doesn't love you back.

 

You so not have a good relationship - it may have been a smooth one while you where staying in your place - which is right under his thumb. Is that where you want to stay? Shut your trap and obey in hopes he won't do more damage to you?

  • Like 8
  • Author
Heart broke Member

Heart broke

Posted
  • Author
Posted

If a woman I knew were in this situation I'd tell her to leave. Which is what I'm looking into right now, but... our babies... I don't want them to know. Not only because I don't want them to think badly of their dad, but I dont want them to think less of me. The fact he hit me, the fact I provoked him enough to hit me... I'm so embarrassed.

 

I don't know how to be without him. He's my life, him and the kids... I've tried to always make sure he has everything I can give him. He's my lover :(

 

He apologized when he came home and tried to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him. I don't want him to think it's okay, but I just don't want to lose my guy...

 

The thing I just don't know what I've lost to make him act in this way, but he's changed so much. For example the weight gain, and he's not as outgoing as he use to be, and he seems a lot more serious. None of those things are bad, but I was supportive of them, not mean which would maybe lead this to making more sense to me...

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

He chose the consequences when he chose the action. Physical violence is never acceptable. NOTHING that you EVER do should provoke a man to physical violence. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

You need to call the police.

 

Your children will respect you more when they learn that you had the courage to stand up for both your own safety, and their safety. THEY WILL HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU IF YOU STAY and allow him to cheat and physically abuse you.

 

This is not to be taken lightly. You are in shock and you are grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had... It's awful and you don't deserve any of this. But, don't make the mistake of staying with a man who abuses you because you don't want to face the truth or you are afraid to be alone.

 

Your children are strong and you will help them to deal with this. You know what you need to do... Gather your courage and make the call.

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 6
spideywoman Established Member

spideywoman

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him. I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad that my best friend could do that... I'm going through everything in my head that could have led us to this point and I can't think of anything. He keeps texting me asking if I need anything and he's sorry he doesn't know what came over him... I don't think I deserved that.

 

I love him. I don't want to leave him, but I know he'll just keep seeing her. Don't they always?

 

I don't know what I've done to make him want someone else...

 

This is no longer about the other woman and whether or not he'll continue to see her / them. HE PUNCHED YOU. THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND TAKING CARE OF YOU. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND IN DANGER. (caps added for emphasis.) He has crossed a line that can never, ever be uncrossed. Unfortunately, this side of him has come out and it will come out again. Do not accept this and do not allow him to do this. You are in shock and you're not thinking straight. It's not your fault and of course you didn't deserve it. You will have plenty of time down the line to figure out what happened and what may have led to what but now is not the time, you must focus on other priorities which is to protect yourself and your children in the immediate future. Please speak to a trusted family member or friend who can help you through this and provide some perspective. You need to have someone around you who's being rational.

 

As for your kids not knowing about their father's penchants _ I get that you're trying to protect them from the ugliness of it all. But, consider that by burying it and not doing anything about it and not addressing it, you're sending them a very dangerous message that 'hey, it's OK what he did.' It isn't. You and your children deserve more.

 

Stay strong.

Edited by spideywoman
  • Like 2
ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE!!!

 

PLEASE, please listen to me....

 

We had a 'good' marriage. Best friends, together forever, all that stuff you're thinking. Everyone thinks my husband is the nicest guy ever & he was to me until he started having an affair. It's as if to justify his appalling behavior, behavior that HE finds abhorrent, he had to kick me into the gutter to justify to himself what he was doing!

 

He became a monster! I'm not exaggerating. He will find it very hard to stop feeling the way he does about the other woman. He WILL continue to treat you like this until he gets over it & that could take a VERY long time!

 

My 'sweet, gentle, kind best friend & lover sneered as he stood over me with utter contempt calling himself a "Golden God!". He completely & utterly lost his bloody mind!

 

It broke me, shattered me, turned me into the "pathetic", "weak", "delusional idiot" that he called me. I LOST ME!! I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, had constant panic attacks. Tried desperately to understand what I had done wrong to deserve this. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!! It's all him.

 

HE IS NOT THE MAN YOU HAVE KNOWN.

 

HE IS NOW CAPABLE OF ANYTHING!!

 

If you want him back. If you want to reconcile YOU MUST FOLLOW THE ADVISE that you have been given. My husband only snapped out of it when I stood-up for myself! File with the police. Get a restraining order. Get HIM out of the house. File for divorce (you don't have to go through with it!) He has utter contempt for you at the moment & it will only get WORSE if you continue to be weak.

 

He has convinced himself that you are nothing. That's the only way he could justify having an affair. The humiliation & blind fear of loosing you is the ONLY thing that will make him want you & not her! I bet if you could hear what he's saying to her (I read their messages after snooping) you would be HORRIFIED! He's telling her what a pathetic drama queen you are being.

 

I think you should never take him back. He is capable of being this person. I forgave my husband. Everything was great for 12 years & then he did it AGAIN with the SAME WOMAN! I was weak.

 

PLEASE DON'T BE ME!!

  • Like 3
  • Author
Heart broke Member

Heart broke

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. He slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it. Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."

 

Then I asked why he cheated and he said it was because he couldn't figure out why I would want him. He's fat, he's losing his hair, he can't keep an erection (I forgot that happened a few months ago) and with her he didn't feel like such a loser.

 

I told him those things didn't bother me... him treating me like this is the issue. I think excluding these issues he's perfect. He is handsome and funny and a good daddy... I feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser. But I will not be treated this way.

aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted

When a man hit's his spouse you can bet that he has lost respect for her and these type of actions only escalate in the future. He already knows you won't do anything about it, the second time is a lot easier to do. If he can hit his spouse he can certainly hit his children and if you won't defend yourself, defend your children, your their mother. You need to talk to someone experienced in dealing with this type of situation. If you can't afford to talk to talk to a counsellor talk to your church minister, they can help. The worst thing you can do is nothing. This man needs to be reported, for your protection, your children's protection and for his own protection. Ask for help.

  • Like 5
aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted
I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. He slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it. Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."

 

Then I asked why he cheated and he said it was because he couldn't figure out why I would want him. He's fat, he's losing his hair, he can't keep an erection (I forgot that happened a few months ago) and with her he didn't feel like such a loser.

 

I told him those things didn't bother me... him treating me like this is the issue. I think excluding these issues he's perfect. He is handsome and funny and a good daddy... I feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser. But I will not be treated this way.

 

It's escalating, you need to report him, talk to someone, your church, women's shelter, legal aid, your local social services agency. He has just told you that he is not letting you go and things are about to get a lot worse for you and your children. Get yourself and your children out of that house.

  • Like 7
MJJean Established Member

MJJean

Posted
Posted
I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. He slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it. Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."

 

Then I asked why he cheated and he said it was because he couldn't figure out why I would want him. He's fat, he's losing his hair, he can't keep an erection (I forgot that happened a few months ago) and with her he didn't feel like such a loser.

 

I told him those things didn't bother me... him treating me like this is the issue. I think excluding these issues he's perfect. He is handsome and funny and a good daddy... I feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser. But I will not be treated this way.

 

A good man and a good daddy doesn't lie to, cheat on, and physically abuse his children's mother.

 

He's right. Why would you want a POS like that?

 

Send him off to the OW that makes him feel good an file for the divorce. He can't stop you from filing an a judge will grant a divorce even if your STBX doesn't want one.

  • Like 5
BTDT2012 Established Member

BTDT2012

Posted
Posted

He is dangerous, get away from him.

  • Like 2
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before. :(

 

I personally know a man who did the same thing...but instead it was her head, not her stomach. This was 7 years ago.

 

He is in jail and she is still in a coma.

 

 

Like everyone said, this game is OVER.

  • Like 4
seekingpeaceinlove Established Member

seekingpeaceinlove

Posted
Posted (edited)

HE HIT YOU.

 

The line has been crossed in your marriage and there is no coming back.

 

Its hard to believe that he was this incredible man with no anger/controlling issues all of a sudden started punching you, grabbing your face, berating you and cheating on you... There were no signs?

 

Staying in this marriage would be a disservice to you, your kids and even your husband. He will hit you again. He will abuse you in many more ways now. He will respect you even less if you stay with him and you (and possibly your kids) will be subjected to his abusive nature indefinitely.

 

I don't know..this story just doesn't add up.

 

You have to tell someone. Start there. You will be hit again if you don't do anything and choose to stay. He threatens you again...EXPOSE HIM.

 

Please get help. For you....for the kids. Staying in this marriage is NOT protecting the kids. It will hurt them in the end.

Edited by seekingpeaceinlove
  • Like 4
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. He slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it. Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."

 

I think excluding these issues he's perfect. He is handsome and funny and a good daddy... I feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser. But I will not be treated this way.

 

This is so wrong, there are not even words to explain to you how distorted your thinking is right now! YOU DID NOT make him feel like a loser - HE feels like a loser, and this is why he is cheating and abusing you. When are you going to understand!!

 

When he hit you, and he has now threatened you, IT DISCOUNTS EVERY OTHER POSITIVE THING he has ever said or done for you.

 

There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for that he has done. This man is a dangerous abuser and you need to take your children and GET AWAY from him - yesterday!

 

Please - call the police! YOU ARE IN DANGER from this man!

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 8
kckc Established Member

kckc

Posted
Posted
I told him earlier this morning I want a divorce because I am a good person who doesn't need to be treated like a punching bag. He slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it. Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."

 

Then I asked why he cheated and he said it was because he couldn't figure out why I would want him. He's fat, he's losing his hair, he can't keep an erection (I forgot that happened a few months ago) and with her he didn't feel like such a loser.

 

I told him those things didn't bother me... him treating me like this is the issue. I think excluding these issues he's perfect. He is handsome and funny and a good daddy... I feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser. But I will not be treated this way.

 

Please do not blame yourself!!! And do not even argue with him. He continues to disrespect you, I'd be frightened and I wouldn't feel pity for him. He had a choice, he could have just talked to you, instead he has chosen to find another woman to have sex with, really? That's not what a real man should do. And I honestly doubt he gives you the real reason of his actions, he tries to blame YOU, like he's innocent... ya, right. Just report him, he's violent. He deserves to be treated with the same "respect" he treats you.

  • Like 4
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

Please seek counseling asap. I can't even explain to you how upside down your thinking is.

 

He blames you for him feeling bad about letting himself go, and then threatens you with more violence. Gee, what a catch.

 

I am sorry you are married to a grade A ass h** who has manipulated you to the point that you feel like you are worthless and cause all of his problems.

 

He is a manipulator, and you are taking it hook line and sinker.

 

I don't know how to explain to you how your perspective on this is so very very wrong.

 

Counseling okay? You have health insurance I am sure. Call the number on the back of your insurance card. Tell them you have an emergency and need the contact info of a counselor in your area. That is a first step. You need assistance coping with this.

  • Like 9
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Then he followed me into our room and grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce.

 

Heart broke, do you realize this is twice within a couple of days? He's obviously broken through whatever barrier of self-control was keeping him in check and his current behavior is at best unpredictable - and at worst dangerous.

 

You owe it to your kids to make a change - do you want them to see him hit you :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 8
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