Girlfriend Of One Year Trust Issues (in general}; Help!

[How]

I'd say we handle disagreements rather well. While we haven't' had any major arguments we have had several disagreements which we effectively talked our way through. We raise our voice slightly but no yelling. I think what I learned from my past relationship about arguing is that yelling really doesn't' solve anything and escalates something that is minor into something much bigger. If finds herself getting overwhelmed and upset, she'll retreat to the bathroom or go for a walk to cool off. So I'd say we both handle disagreements rather well.

[How]

Another question completely off topic, but the girlfriends birthday is on the 30th of this month. I had already booked a reservation to a nice restaurant and wanted to make her something nice to go with the necklace I bought her. Like a cute card with a cute poem or something. Or would that be too cheesy?

Edited December 10, 2016 by How

[OatsAndHall]

Before I became a teacher, I worked in a treatment center for teenagers for a year. Trust me when I say that you cannot "fix" anything. Even as a mental health counselor, it was very clear that all you can do is provide support and structure to help someone help themselves.

 

Anything that you mention (counseling, medication, etc..etc..) will probably be something that has been to her attention or something she has done a dozen times before. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety at a very young age. There are family members that I won't talk to about anything other than the friggin weather because I have grown tired of them trying to "fix" me when I'm down.

 

It sounds like this girl just needs some "normalcy" in her life. A caring, supportive boyfriend that accepts her for who she is, treats her well, and doesn't treat her any differently because of her past.

 

But make sure that it is reciprocated. You deserve the same treatment from her.

[How]

I do agree I need to step back a bit and just be there for her and trust enough she'll come to me if she needs something. I'll continue to show my support and be the best boyfriend I can be. I did talk to her this weekend about spending more time together. I have been letting her take the lead but I guess I'm feeling like I needed to tell her how I felt about the frequency we spend time together. I don't want to look clingy to her but 2-3 times a week some weeks is fine, but there are times I really just want to wake up next to her. Sit on the couch after work and watch tv with. Texting and calling on the phone is just not the same. She admitted she felt the same way and was too afraid to speak up about spending more time because she didn't want to come across as clingy as well. Well needless to say we both felt kind of dumb so now we are both going to make an effort to spend more time together. Even a couples hours another week night. And to clarify I treat and respect my girlfriend in a caring matter and she does reciprocate it. She is supportive, and very caring so that isn't an issue.

[Sweetfish]

Has anyone dated someone who is guarded and that has trust issues. Assuming every other aspect of the relationship is amazing?

 

 

yes.. she may start pulling away when she feels the relationship is too deep.

[How]

Sweetfish, we had some pretty deep conversation and I had asked her if at any time she feels things are going to fast or she feels overwhelmed to let me know. Because I don't ever want to put her in a situation where she feels uncomfortable and her not say anything in fear of hurting my feelings. So far she has done that.

[CommittedToThis]

The fact she's not rushing the OP is a good sign; her childhood, however, indicates she most likely suffers fear of abandonment.

 

In many cases, childhood abandonment issues lead to personality disorders which lead to very manipulative relationships; the more she develops feelings for you, the more she will fear you abandoning her, and as a consequence she may have "back up" in place, maybe several.

 

I would continue as you have, OP, but I am suggesting, as others have, you research childhood abandonment issues in adult relationships and start seeing if you recognize any of the red flags in your GF, then try to make a decision.

 

All the best to the both of you.

[How]

I have looked into abandonment issues and everything under the sun, not because I was necessary looking for red signs but because I wanted an understanding so I could relate how to interact with her. I think she closer to one extreme on the spectrum of those affected by abandonment. She never had a boyfriend and she was a virgin when we met and it was evident when we first had sex. She told me she didn't want to have sex for the first time unless it was with someone she saw a future with. So when she told me she was ready, I treated her with the most respect, had her in mind and my pleasure was on the back burner because I wanted her first time to be great. She was so appreciative and told me so that I thought about her and helped ease her anxiety. As for others on the side, I just can't see it. Based on the research I had done, she doesn't fit that profile. The only thing I can do is take it day by day.

[How]

So last night my mom invited my girlfriend and me to their house for supper. So we went. At first, it was a nice evening, and my girlfriend even talked more than usual and seemed to be having a nice time. Then out of nowhere my dad who never says much asked me when I'm going to meet her parents. I did tell my mom that my girlfriend grew up in foster care, and she said she'd say something to dad when the time was right. This was four months ago. She has come over a few times since and nothing was mention so I assumed she had told him. My girlfriend didn't know what to say. She honestly looked like she was going to cry. My dad was dumbfounded and it was just a mess. My mom afterward told me that she never told Dad the truth, but just said that she wasn't close to her family. SO I told Dad myself and now he is asking me if I'm sure I want to be with someone long term, who doesn't have any family. I pressed him further on the issue then he said. SO is you and her future children only going to have one set of grandparents. I was mad and said a few things I shouldn't. And now here I am.

[DeeplyMissHer]

So last night my mom invited my girlfriend and me to their house for supper. So we went. At first, it was a nice evening, and my girlfriend even talked more than usual and seemed to be having a nice time. Then out of nowhere my dad who never says much asked me when I'm going to meet her parents. I did tell my mom that my girlfriend grew up in foster care, and she said she'd say something to dad when the time was right. This was four months ago. She has come over a few times since and nothing was mention so I assumed she had told him. My girlfriend didn't know what to say. She honestly looked like she was going to cry. My dad was dumbfounded and it was just a mess. My mom afterward told me that she never told Dad the truth, but just said that she wasn't close to her family. SO I told Dad myself and now he is asking me if I'm sure I want to be with someone long term, who doesn't have any family. I pressed him further on the issue then he said. SO is you and her future children only going to have one set of grandparents. I was mad and said a few things I shouldn't. And now here I am.

 

This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. There is no point running from your problems. You need to talk to your father and let him know that you are dating said girlfriend and will not break up with her. Be firm and say you expect him to be respectful for your girlfriend.

 

And I hope you talked and apologized to your girlfriend for not talking to your father sooner and putting her in that situation.

[VeveCakes]

I pressed him further on the issue then he said. SO is you and her future children only going to have one set of grandparents. I was mad and said a few things I shouldn't. And now here I am.

 

omg how terrible of your father to act this way towards someone with no family.

 

Not everyone is so lucky. Perhaps just remind him of that.

[How]

I had a talk with him and he apologized. My girlfriend was distant for a few days when we finally met and talked about it. She said that around Christmas time it hurts that she doesn't get to spend it with family. This Christmas we had planned to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning together. But I decided to spend the whole day with her, instead of going to my parent's house. I told her I'm doing it because I want too and not out of obligation. After how my father reacted it makes me want to spent it with her anyway. My mom understands when I called her.

[How]

We had a great Christmas I'm looking forward to spending her birthday with her this evening.

 

I had a bouquet of flowers delivered to work for her. She just sent me a text with a bunch of emoticans and then called me. I told her I'd be at her house at 5pm to pick her up.

 

Just thought I'd share.