What should I make of my FWB?

[salparadise]

Cut off the benefits. Tell him you want to be his friend or GF, nothing in between. Be firm and take a stand. "Almost asked you out" - what BS!!!

 

Seems like a spineless guy to me. Girl, you can do better...!!

 

 

Or a guy who is actually a pretty smooth operator. He's not being dishonest or deceitful. He's not pretending to be something he's not. He's getting regular pussy and intimacy without being exclusive. She's been enjoying the same thing, of course, except that now that she's started to get feelings for him the narrative shifts and he's getting judged harshly.

 

Does that really make him a spineless weasel? Or is he just a guy who, at least in this round, is getting what he wants despite not playing by female rules?

[elaine567]

Yes, he is being "honest" but he is also being deceitful and manipulative.

 

He says he doesn't want a "relationship", yet he tells the OP he loves her and acts like her bf. As he knows she has feelings for him, that is a pretty cruel IMO.

He sends mixed messages, he says one thing and acts in the opposite way which we all know destabilises people and in extreme cases makes them doubt their own sanity.

If he merely wants sex, then he does all this "bf stuff" to keep her on board but by doing so he raises her hopes, and that isn't being "honest" that is despicable.

 

OP, you are doing the right thing by cutting him off completely.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Thank you so so much <3

[nothingsintheflowerz]

He said he wants to be exclusive now!!!!!! THOUGHTS?! Sorry, freaking out

[salparadise]

He said he wants to be exclusive now!!!!!! THOUGHTS?! Sorry, freaking out

 

 

Isn't it obvious? PLAY HARD TO GET!

 

This guy is an interloper... he's been hittin it without acknowledging that women will decide if he's eligible, and the price he must pay. When one of these arrogant ass-holes come along and acts entitled to free and easy pussy he must be brought in line and shown the rules. This new revelation is the turning point––from now on when you say jump he must ask how high. It's up to you to cut him down to size... femaledom depends on it. You just can't allow this autonomous notion to spread. Nip it sista.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Wow, so right!!

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their feedback! I'm so glad that we're taking our relationship to the next level. I'm going to play hard to get for now on and see what happens! A little worried that it took him all this to commit. But yet, pleasantly surprised. I was really ready to cut him out of my life.

[winny]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their feedback! I'm so glad that we're taking our relationship to the next level. I'm going to play hard to get for now on and see what happens! A little worried that it took him all this to commit. But yet, pleasantly surprised. I was really ready to cut him out of my life.

 

Be very careful because he does have manipulative tendencies. He may change his words or play around again. Be firm and DO NOT settle for anything less than what you want.

[Cookiesandough]

He said he wants to be exclusive now!!!!!! THOUGHTS?! Sorry, freaking out

 

I don't mean to rain on parade or be nitpicky..but I must say to be careful.

I know from reading this board that there is such thing as an exclusive FWB. It doesn't make much sense but I know guys do this from reading the boards. Some guys draw a line between the stage of "relationship"/commitment and sexually" exclusive"... Did he say he would be your boyfriend or a an exclusive relationship?

If so, I'm very happy for you and even if he didn't and you are happy with the arrangement you made I'm still super happy for you!!

[HereNorThere]

I don't mean to rain on parade or be nitpicky..but I must say to be careful.

I know from reading this board that there is such thing as an exclusive FWB. It doesn't make much sense but I know guys do this from reading the boards. Some guys draw a line between the stage of "relationship"/commitment and sexually" exclusive"... Did he say he would be your boyfriend or a an exclusive relationship?

If so, I'm very happy for you and even if he didn't and you are happy with the arrangement you made I'm still super happy for you!!

 

Hey, don't just blame the guys. Nearly every FWB I've ever had said something along the lines of "if you're sleeping with me, I'd prefer if you didn't sleep with other people at the same time."

 

That's not really a commitment thing, that's a health and safety thing. It's your right not to be exposed to someone else without your consent. Plus it's just kinda icky.

[salparadise]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their feedback! I'm so glad that we're taking our relationship to the next level. I'm going to play hard to get for now on and see what happens! A little worried that it took him all this to commit. But yet, pleasantly surprised. I was really ready to cut him out of my life.

 

 

You know I was being facetious in that last post, right? While there were nuggets of truth, I was mostly poking fun at the fems-rule–coitus brigade. Seems that it does piss them off when a man gains access without paying union scale. But that's another discussion. Here's what I really think, and I'm a guy btw.

 

Don't play games, and don't tolerate it from him. Don't play hard-to-get, BE hard-to-get in the sense that you love and respect yourself and will not be manipulated or allow your emotions to be played with. The risk you run with this guy is that he may just be good at sensing and telling you what you want to hear. What you have to do is assess authenticity and sincerity. You're worthy of being loved for who you are, not just access to sex. Be careful. If the sincerity-authenticity part isn't there, or if you just sense something not quite congruent don't hesitate to eject. If you have a strong sense of who you are, you won't need to play games. Don't get yourself locked down emotionally unless he's all-in as well.

Edited December 24, 2016 by salparadise

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Well,we're exclusive but not official. I figure this will come with time? I don't get this whole exclusivity thing -_- It really isn't any different than being in a relationship in my opinion.

[HereNorThere]

Well, I just explained the exclusivity thing in my last post, so now you understand. How much more clear can I make it? No girl or guy wants to be exposed to a stranger's sexual fluid, so exclusivity makes sense for both parties. It's not a sign that the relationship is more than FWB or progressing.

 

OP, I'm all for FWB relationships and think they're great for a lot of people. Ideally, they're good when you're younger and know there's an expiration date. College students going to different graduate schools or moving when their degree is completed, traveling overseas for set amount of time, internships, and situations where the long-term isn't feasible. I also know a lot of young professionals working on their career and do not have the time it takes to work on a real relationship. As long as the two people agree to the terms, mutually benefit and there is no exploitation, it's a great way to explore your sexuality with someone you trust in a safe environment.

 

That doesn't sound like your situation. It sounds like you want more than he does and you are settling on FWB in hopes that it will blossom into something else. If you have these sort of expectations, you will get hurt and only have yourself to blame. Not to mention, he will most likely be upset because you broke the FWB rules when you promised not to.

 

Feelings, they're not for catching. You will get burned if you aren't mentally prepared and honest with yourself about the ultimate fate of this relationship. You can't say you weren't warned.

Edited December 24, 2016 by HereNorThere

[nothingsintheflowerz]

He's already told me he has feelings for me/tells me he loves me almost every day/acts like my boyfriend? If anyone's breaking it, it's him. But I understand where you're coming from. I get that I might get hurt. But him and I both know the circumstances and how i feel, I told him I have feelings. Honestly, the idea of him having sex with other women disgusted me, so this feels like a small victory. Even though he hasn't been having sex with other women anyway. He's afraid I'll be like his ex, I figure during this stage I show I know how to give him space as he needs because our college is really intense, and he'll realize we'd be a great couple. It worked on my ex, it might work now. If it doesnt, well, I've been hurt before. I know I sound insane, but I've fallen too hard at this point.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

But I do recognize I've been warned!

[Cookiesandough]

But I do recognize I've been warned!

 

Nothingsintheflowerz, I understand. Human relationships are strange. Seems like you recognize and are prepared you might get hurt, but it's worth it to you to take that chance. I hope it works out for you. May I ask you what you mean by it worked on your ex? We're in an only-seeing-each-other-but-not-official stage with your ex for awhile and it turned into a relationship? Just curious! Thanks:)

Edited December 24, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

He said he wants to be exclusive now!!!!!! THOUGHTS?! Sorry, freaking out

 

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their feedback! I'm so glad that we're taking our relationship to the next level. I'm going to play hard to get for now on and see what happens! A little worried that it took him all this to commit. But yet, pleasantly surprised. I was really ready to cut him out of my life.

 

Exclusive means he has said he is not sleeping with other people and wants you to do the same. Exclusive does not necessarily indicate "commitment" in the popular use of the term. You are still the FWB, he is not making you "official".

He may still not want a real "relationship" with you and he may still not be over his ex.

It is no "small victory" if he hasn't actually been sleeping with other people anyway.

All it means is that you are promising to be exclusive to him too, which is great for sexual health but is no real progress in the form of the relationship.

Very few manage to transform a fwb relationship into a real one, as the "rules of engagement" are somewhat different and I believe that many men still hold traditional views when it comes to women who they consider "serious" or potential marriage material. A woman who is willing to enter into a "sex only" arrangement, probably does not match up.

 

As for "I love you", this post below is an observation in the context of an affair but I think it probably fits in the context of the FWB arrangement too.

 

Another big difference I noticed was in the use of 'I love you'. I think it can mean different things to men and women. We both said it all the time and we meant it. But I think for her, when I started saying that, she took it to mean, perhaps even at a subconscious level, that I loved her exclusively and that I was implying that we would be together. To me, saying those words were a simple exclamation of joy with no hidden meaning or implication. I was effectively saying......' I'm so happy in this moment and you are the cause! I'm crazy about you. Let's just celebrate it!' I didn't realise what this was probably doing to her psychologically. Again, I didn't mean to deceive, I just wanted to express my happiness.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree 100% with Elaine. Which is part of why I asked about what you meant when you said it worked on your previous bf. It's one thing to go from exclusively "seeing" each other to a relationship in that order in due time, but another ball game entirely to go from fwb/fb to exclusive FWB with a guy who has laid out pretty clearly and given plenty of excuses as to why he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you way after due time. The latter is so rare it approaches impossible and people here don't want you to get hurt more, waste your time, and let this guy get his cake and eat it too. You see no distinction between the way he treats you and not sleeping with anyone else (for now), but he obviously does, or why wouldn't he make it "official" already? I agree that the answer lies in commitment. He doesn't want to commit to you so he feels less guilt when he inevitably bounces since he doesn't feel romantic attachment to you. The exclusive thing is a good deal for him because he might be okay with you both just having sex with each other for his sexual health and just so he's not sharing you either. This guy sounds really manipulative. I do believe this guy loves you, insofar as he loves what you provide for him including noncommittal sex. You can "love" friends. But no way is it romantic love. Ths bottom line is he has known you how long and stil won't commit or lock you down and is willing to risk another guy coming by and doing so, chances are very slim he will. But you're an adult and making mistakes is sometimes the only way we learn

Edited December 24, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hi Cookiesanddough, yep! I waited for 6 months, and he eventually started calling me his girlfriend and taking me on dates. We stayed together for two years. He said he wasn't ready, so I just assumed if I tried living in the moment, he'd eventually come around. I think that's why I have hope for this, only because this new guy treats me more like a girlfriend than even my ex did. We had just been FWB, and he didn't do crap for me! It seemed like as soon as I stopped caring, he came along.

[Cookiesandough]

Hi Cookiesanddough, yep! I waited for 6 months, and he eventually started calling me his girlfriend and taking me on dates. We stayed together for two years. He said he wasn't ready, so I just assumed if I tried living in the moment, he'd eventually come around. I think that's why I have hope for this, only because this new guy treats me more like a girlfriend than even my ex did. We had just been FWB, and he didn't do crap for me! It seemed like as soon as I stopped caring, he came along.

 

That's interesting, flowerz. Beat the odds once, I can see why you would have hope for this too. I Kind of get the impression you're into emotionally unavailable men.. : p hopefully you come back around one day for a follow-up as to how it turned out. But you'll probably have rightfully moved on with your life by then haha. Best of luck

Edited December 24, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Exclusive means he has said he is not sleeping with other people and wants you to do the same. Exclusive does not necessarily indicate "commitment" in the popular use of the term. You are still the FWB, he is not making you "official".

He may still not want a real "relationship" with you and he may still not be over his ex.

It is no "small victory" if he hasn't actually been sleeping with other people anyway.

All it means is that you are promising to be exclusive to him too, which is great for sexual health but is no real progress in the form of the relationship.

Very few manage to transform a fwb relationship into a real one, as the "rules of engagement" are somewhat different and I believe that many men still hold traditional views when it comes to women who they consider "serious" or potential marriage material. A woman who is willing to enter into a "sex only" arrangement, probably does not match up.

 

As for "I love you", this post below is an observation in the context of an affair but I think it probably fits in the context of the FWB arrangement too.

 

 

If I'm looked at as lower value because I decided to have sex with him early on, then he can go somewhere. I could care less, and it'll be good that it doesn't work out because I would never want to date someone so patriarchal and chauvinistic. I understand the "I love you" thing now--I just really believe that he's just scared to get into another relationship. His last one ended really, really badly and a close friend of mine and his told me during the summer that she thinks he's scared because of how his ex was. It was his first, though, which explains why he's not over it. I'm not offended by it, because we just met this summer; I transferred here. It's just hard because we'll hang out now without even having sex, he introduced me to his friends and brought me to hang out with them, and he buys me food and stuff all the time. And as I mentioned before, he wants me to go out the country to him or to California. He'll message me in the middle of the night talking about love, and seeing if I'm awake. I've never heard of a FWB like this, and I've had a bad habit of finding myself getting asked to be FWB. I've only agreed this time and one other, which as I mentioned above, turned into a relationship when we didn't do *anything* but have sex. This one seems to have so much potential, but I think I do have rose-colored glasses on. My best friend and mom also believe he is manipulative. I'll be careful and won't get my hopes up.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Cookiesanddough, yeah, it was interesting! I'm still talking about the concept of exclusivity with this dude, so we'll see. I'll update y'all in a few weeks We're on winter break right now, so this is long distance currently anyway. We'll see what happens when school starts back up.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I agree 100% with Elaine. Which is part of why I asked about what you meant when you said it worked on your previous bf. It's one thing to go from exclusively "seeing" each other to a relationship in that order in due time, but another ball game entirely to go from fwb/fb to exclusive FWB with a guy who has laid out pretty clearly and given plenty of excuses as to why he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you way after due time. The latter is so rare it approaches impossible and people here don't want you to get hurt more, waste your time, and let this guy get his cake and eat it too. You see no distinction between the way he treats you and not sleeping with anyone else (for now), but he obviously does, or why wouldn't he make it "official" already? I agree that the answer lies in commitment. He doesn't want to commit to you so he feels less guilt when he inevitably bounces since he doesn't feel romantic attachment to you. The exclusive thing is a good deal for him because he might be okay with you both just having sex with each other for his sexual health and just so he's not sharing you either. This guy sounds really manipulative. I do believe this guy loves you, insofar as he loves what you provide for him including noncommittal sex. You can "love" friends. But no way is it romantic love. Ths bottom line is he has known you how long and stil won't commit or lock you down and is willing to risk another guy coming by and doing so, chances are very slim he will. But you're an adult and making mistakes is sometimes the only way we learn

 

Wow, I totally agree with this. I'm having second thoughts now.

[joseb]

He's already told me he has feelings for me/tells me he loves me almost every day/acts like my boyfriend?

 

If i were you I would ask him what he means exactly when he says "he loves you". I very much doubt his "love" is what most people think of when they hear the term.

 

Does he just say it, or do you say it and he responds?

 

Also, what is his background? I know people from certain countries use it pretty much like most people would use "fond of" or like. And younger people often confuse lust with love.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

If i were you I would ask him what he means exactly when he says "he loves you". I very much doubt his "love" is what most people think of when they hear the term.

 

Does he just say it, or do you say it and he responds?

 

Also, what is his background? I know people from certain countries use it pretty much like most people would use "fond of" or like. And younger people often confuse lust with love.

 

Yeah, I could ask. He just says it! I was so shocked the first time he said it to me, especially since I didn't feel the same way back! Now I say it back to him, and sometimes I'll tell him I love him without him saying it first and he responds. But he usually tells me he loves me by himself. And he's 100% American. He didn't always say it, either, but started when he began to act like my boyfriend. Part of me thinks it's lust, or friendship or whatever. Sometimes, though, I think it's his way of trying to compensate for what he won't give me, commitment, and hoping that I stick around.