I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[40somethingGuy]

This is going to be my first post here although long time lurker. This is going to be a long post sorry in advance and thanks to the ones that take the time to read and give me some advise.

 

My husband and I were each other first love, when I was 17 I got pregnant and short after we got married.

Our life was difficult, our families helped us taking care of our son but while our friends were having fun and living a careless life we were dealing with the new acquired responsibilities as parents.(we were not prepared for this)

 

To make things even worse 1.5 year after I got pregnant for the second time. I was not even 20 years old when my second son was born. My husband stopped studying and started a business with the help of our parents and I was left to take care of the two children on my own. My husband is a great father but I have always been the one who had to stay at home, do all the chores and taking care of the children while he was working 14-16 hours a day. He was working all those hours because we needed the money and we could not afford paying someone to take care of the shop but somehow I started to blame him for the situation. Year after year I built a big resentment inside me and I blamed him for the loss of our youth and freedom, a rational part in me knew that I was wrong but I ignored it.

 

Fast forward until two years ago, our marriage wasn’t bad; we accepted that we had to work hard to give our two great kids an opportunity in life and we worked well as a team. My husband is a loving person, he and my two sons treated me like the queen of the house and I felt loved and happy… but… I still had that feeling that I had missed out because I got pregnant so young, and I still blamed my husband for it (I know that is unfair but that was how I was feeling).

 

I was going to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and during that time I had become friends with the Capoeira instructor, before I knew it we were having sex. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I somehow justified myself because I didn’t have any feelings for the OM, it was only sex and it was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth. I wanted to stop the affair every week but the truth is that I didn’t stop till my husband found out 2 days ago.

 

I never expected my husband reaction, he put some of my clothes in two bags and called my parents to come to pick me up…when I arrived home my mother was crying and my father was completely red … my husband told me I was not welcome in my house anymore. I didn’t have to ask why he was so angry; I knew immediately that he had found out about my affair and that it would be best if I would go that night to sleep at my parent’s house. I told him that I would give him time and space to calm and that I would come back next day to talk with him and I left.

 

My parents were very disappointed on me, they love my husband and they respect him a lot for the way he has built his life into a prosper business man and a good father… They were in shock but never the less I am their daughter so they took me with them and gave me some space to think things through.

Next day in the morning I went back home when my kids were at school and my husband was at work, he always come to take lunch at home so I waited for him to come. When he arrived he looked like a man who has been destroyed and I think that it was the first time that I realize about what I have done and the terrible consequences for those who I love.

 

I tried to explain him how sorry I am, that I have never stopped to love him and that my affair was not about him but about me, that I have issues and that I would like to go to IC and MC. He sat and listen to all what I wanted to say for around an hour without saying anything… at that point he told me that he doesn’t want to go to MC or IC or do anything to try to work out of marriage. He said that if after all what we both had to sacrifice, if after all what he have done for me I still had it in me to betray him this way then he doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore. He asked me to move out of the house to my parent’s house. I begged him to give me a second chance and I explained him that our kids need both of their parents and then he got crazy and starter to scream, he told me if I was thinking about our kids priorities while I was having sex with the OM and other many things that I don’t need to repeat here. I told him that I would come back later when he would be more calmed to talk again and to see my children and I left.

 

I came back 4 hours later to find out that my husband had already told my sons about my affair the day before, they were very upset and didn’t show any affection towards me, they were both siding with their father. I told my husband that he shouldn’t have involved our children and he told me that I should have not get involved with the OM if I didn’t like the aftermaths of it… that my sons are old enough to know why we are going to divorce and is also important because they can at their age chose with whom they want to stay. I didn’t think about divorce until that moment and when he said that I felt dizzy and they had to help me because I started to see the huge consequences of what I have done…

 

My husband called my father again and he came to pick me up… I wanted to stay but neither my husband nor my children wanted me there.

And here I am at my parents home feeling alone and empty without my three men. I have risked all what I care for something that meant nothing to me. I have hurt my husband and companion and my 2 kids and I still don’t even understand why… I may lose everything … as if I was in a self destroying mission.

What would you do next? How can I win my husband and kids back? What can you say to someone you have hurt so much? Will my children ever forgive me? Please give me some hope and advise.

 

 

 

How did your husband find out? And I have a hard time believing you would risk your whole family for 'just sex' without any type of emotional attachment. How did the affair start and how did you pull it off? Writing this out will help you establish the timeline that is sure to come from your soon to be XH.

[Jump Through Loops]

This is going to be my first post here although long time lurker.

 

If you've been a long time lurker here then surely you knew what you were doing and also knew the consequences of your actions.

 

So wasteful and destructive.

[wmacbride]

You need to get yourself into IC and get yourself healthy no matter what happens in your life. You need to figure out WHY you did this. What was missing in YOU where you gave yourself the green light to have an affair? It has nothing to do with your marriage, your husband or your upbringing.

Does the OM have a SO? If so, tell her. You're likely not the only one he's doing.

With regards to your husband, I don't know what to say. That bridge has been burned according to the way he is responding.

Your children will always love you and you will always be their mother.[/quote

 

Completely disagree! She shouldn't care a less about the OM's life! Sorry but when a WS gets caught the last thing they should be worried about is the AP spouse, one should be focused on themselves & their family. Who cares about the OM life.

 

OP..don't focus on anything but yourself & your family. OM & his family is NOT your problem.

 

She made the fallout her problem by sleeping with a mm.

 

OP,

I am sorry you are in this situation, but I wanted to tell you that it does sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. granted, you made some piss poor choices what you cheated, but you are already taking responsibility for your actions, which puts you ahead of the crowd when it comes to people who get involved in affairs.

 

You have a long and bumpy road ahead of you, and all you can really do right now is work on yourself, take charge of the things that you have control over, and be the best mom you can be for your kids. They are hurt and disappointed right now, but so long as they know you are therefor them, they will come around. I would suggest family counseling for all of you as a unit. If your husband won't go because he wants to divorce, tell him it's not for the benefit of the two of you, but for your boys.

 

Good luck. You will get through this. One step at a time.

[BoaConstrictor]

You're an extremely selfish person. Even your thread title is very telling 'now MY life is destroyed'

 

You betrayed a man who loved you and worked his ass off like a real man when so many others his age would have ran. And this is how you repay him?

 

reap what you sow.

 

Did you register just to kick someone who is already down?

 

I've never understood why people balk so much at someone personalizing their own misery. She can only speak for herself, and she feels like she destroyed HER life. Wouldn't it be a little presumptuous to say she's destroyed anyone else's?

 

I also think it's dangerous (and this isn't directed at the quote above) to make any pronouncements about someone's quality as a parent because of something they did to their spouse.

[Cephalopod]

 

The right thing is to try & heal her family...OM spouse & family is his problem. Sorry but no one else's family is one's problem when yours is in the toilet. It's called priorty, she lost that by having an A to begin...now it's time to back on tract which does not include making AP family a priority over her own.

 

If OM gets away with it, it's not her problem & that can add to her problems. lasts thing she needs is a crazy BS on her butt.

 

Honestly morality is kind of out the window during A...shed only be telling bc she got caught, that initself isn't so moral.

 

I heartily disagree. The OM's spouse, if he has one, has a right to know. It is amoral not to tell her. By notifying the OMW, OP can show her husband that she is not siding with the OM or trying to protect him.

 

If OP cannot do it, she should encourage her BH to do so.

 

Her BH is actually doing everything right: i.e. showing her consequences for her actions. If he gave her a hug and told her he forgave her and allowed her to stay in the house and kept everything hush hush, she would lose what was left of the little respect she had for him.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Cephalopod

[wmacbride]

 

The right thing is to try & heal her family...OM spouse & family is his problem. Sorry but no one else's family is one's problem when yours is in the toilet. It's called priorty, she lost that by having an A to begin...now it's time to back on tract which does not include making AP family a priority over her own.

 

If OM gets away with it, it's not her problem & that can add to her problems. lasts thing she needs is a crazy BS on her butt.

 

Honestly morality is kind of out the window during A...shed only be telling bc she got caught, that initself isn't so moral.

 

I can understand where you're coming from, and what you say does make sense. however, informing the om's bs can serve a couple of purposes. first, it can help protect a woman form being exposed to Std's, secondly, if the op tells, it can show her husband how serious she is about the a being over.

 

 

btw, the majority of bs don't 'go crazy on the ow's butt". Most are hurt, may ask questions , bit that's about it.

[Satu]

I think the OP's betrayed husband, is more likely to tell the AP's wife, than the OP.

 

He seems to be taking a pretty strong stance in the face of what has happened.

 

As stated by others, she would just be telling because she got caught, and thats less than admirable.

[Whatnotagain]

 

I heartily disagree. The OM's spouse, if he has one, has a right to know. It is amoral not to tell her. By notifying the OMW, OP can show her husband that she is not siding with the OM or trying to protect him.

 

If OP cannot do it, she should encourage her BH to do so.

 

Her BH is actually doing everything right: i.e. showing her consequences for her actions. If he gave her a hug and told her he forgave her and allowed her to stay in the house and kept everything hush hush, she would lose what was left of the little respect she had for him.

 

I agree with this and would add that the best way for you to shut down your affair completely is to expose it to the other BS. Usually the BS is the one to do this and if he already has then there is no reason for you to do so. Now she is not going to be real happy to hear from you, and you may get called some names, but that would be expected. I agree with what someone else said earlier that you should tell the club. Women should be able to go to places like this without being approached by some horny club worker for sex. Burn his **** down if you really care about yourself and your husband. Otherwise your affair is on hold and not really ended.

 

You have been potentially exposed to many different people sexually and the more partners he had and the more times you were together the more exposed you are. It's an exponential thing. Go get yourself a full panel of tests for STD's and give the results to your husband. If you are positive for something then also give the results to the OBS. That is the human thing to do.

[MrBojangles]

OP, I won't bash you any further for your decision to cheat on your husband, as it sounds like you've realized the destruction caused by your betrayal.

 

As others have already suggested, give him all the space he needs to process his grief, and when he's ready, be prepared to answer all of his questions honestly as well as truthfully. Whether he chooses to reconcile with you, or proceed with divorce, it's really is out of your hands at this point.

 

Understandably you will experience a wide range of emotions from your husband as he processes your affair, however, it is not acceptable being subjected to abuse by him. It is one thing to expect him lashing out in anger as he expresses his feelings about what you've done to this marriage and the family, but it crosses the line when you're being kept from your marital home, and being shamed publicly by him.

 

The only thing you really have full control over at this point, is working on yourself. While you are waiting for him to process this whole ordeal, seriously work on yourself in the meanwhile. Seek the IC that you wrote about, and try to figure out why you chose this path that you currently find yourself on.

 

I am a firm believer in second chances, even in cases like yours. But even I have my limitations on what I can recover from and forgive. Only your husband's thoughts and actions matter right now, on whether or not he wants to save your marriage. It's not for me to judge you on the circumstances of your situation, but how you handle yourself during this separation, and the self-improvement you are able to achieve, may prove to be useful in any attempt to salvage your marriage.

 

I wish you, your husband, and your children the best.

[homealone123]

Thank you all for your answers and advise. In the mess that I have created any advise is welcome (even if it comes in tough love form ).

I didn't expect such a reaction and while I have read all your messages I can't give you a personal answer but I will try to address as many questions as possible:

 

OM is divorced and has no relationship (at least not to my knowledge) and while I understand how some people would doubt when I say that it was just sex (I also don't understand how I could risk that much for that little) it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

My sons are 15 (soon to be 16) and 13. They are great boys and have always been very close to their father... I sometimes think that I always have been jealous of their relationship, while they have always loved me and treated me very well there has been always a connection between the three that I have always envied. I miss them, I miss the three of them and I hope I am not going to lose them three.

 

My affair with OM to my shame has lasted for almost 2 years, I have thought about stopping from the first time but I am a weak person and I enjoyed the attention and validation from a guy like the OM, he made me feel desirable in a way that I didn't feel for long... I guess there is something very wrong in me, only a broken person would risk what I have risked for some validation and pleasure.

 

I don't know how my husband found out about my affair, I know that he has known without hard evidences for a while because my husband told my father but I don't know any extra detail because I have not been able to speak with my husband further than me saying how sorry I am and him calling me names and telling me to leave the house. (Please note that I do not condemn him for calling me whore... I guess that is what I am at his eyes at the moment).

 

I know the reconciliation with my husband will be very difficult but I keep hope because we have shared already very difficult moments in our life and we have always been able to get out stronger from it, please don't think I take him for granted, I am very afraid that he won't want me anymore but I keep the hope because he is the thing I love the most in the world together with my sons.

 

I have read your advise and I have booked a IC for tomorrow to try to understand myself better. I also understand that I can come out as controlling and maybe I am because my whole life I had to have the control of everything, if someone was sick I had to be there and take care of them, if my husband had to go away for a business trip I had to go to the shop and help, I had to control everything what was going on in my family so I am used to plan ahead and do damage control when some of them are angry .

 

I have had a talk with my parents and they think I should leave my husband and the kids alone for some time to try to digest what I have done and I will do so. I will call my husband on Saturday and try to set some time where if he is willing to talk with me I will present him my timeline and my letter.

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

[wmacbride]

Thank you all for your answers and advise. In the mess that I have created any advise is welcome (even if it comes in tough love form ).

I didn't expect such a reaction and while I have read all your messages I can't give you a personal answer but I will try to address as many questions as possible:

 

OM is divorced and has no relationship (at least not to my knowledge) and while I understand how some people would doubt when I say that it was just sex (I also don't understand how I could risk that much for that little) it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

My sons are 15 (soon to be 16) and 13. They are great boys and have always been very close to their father... I sometimes think that I always have been jealous of their relationship, while they have always loved me and treated me very well there has been always a connection between the three that I have always envied. I miss them, I miss the three of them and I hope I am not going to lose them three.

 

My affair with OM to my shame has lasted for almost 2 years, I have thought about stopping from the first time but I am a weak person and I enjoyed the attention and validation from a guy like the OM, he made me feel desirable in a way that I didn't feel for long... I guess there is something very wrong in me, only a broken person would risk what I have risked for some validation and pleasure.

 

I don't know how my husband found out about my affair, I know that he has known without hard evidences for a while because my husband told my father but I don't know any extra detail because I have not been able to speak with my husband further than me saying how sorry I am and him calling me names and telling me to leave the house. (Please note that I do not condemn him for calling me whore... I guess that is what I am at his eyes at the moment).

 

I know the reconciliation with my husband will be very difficult but I keep hope because we have shared already very difficult moments in our life and we have always been able to get out stronger from it, please don't think I take him for granted, I am very afraid that he won't want me anymore but I keep the hope because he is the thing I love the most in the world together with my sons.

 

I have read your advise and I have booked a IC for tomorrow to try to understand myself better. I also understand that I can come out as controlling and maybe I am because my whole life I had to have the control of everything, if someone was sick I had to be there and take care of them, if my husband had to go away for a business trip I had to go to the shop and help, I had to control everything what was going on in my family so I am used to plan ahead and do damage control when some of them are angry .

 

I have had a talk with my parents and they think I should leave my husband and the kids alone for some time to try to digest what I have done and I will do so. I will call my husband on Saturday and try to set some time where if he is willing to talk with me I will present him my timeline and my letter.

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

I'm a bs, and my spouse cheated many years ago. We reconciled, and are very happy .

 

I;m telling you that to show it can happen, but not that it definitely will for you. I;m not a man, so I don't know how men tend to feel about A, but form what I understand, it can be harder for them to forgive.

 

Right now,( in my opinion) your best course of action is to work on your self, get counseling for your family, and do things that show your H you are serious about sorting through everything. Don;t harass him or constantly be in his face.He needs space right now. Give him that, but at the same time, show him through your actions you want to work through everything.

 

btw,I was a stay at home mom ( and still am- I work at home) for three kids, with a spouse who was away a lot, so I understand how it can be difficult and lonely at times, and ho you can sometimes feel like your work isn't valued very much.

[katielee]

 

 

 

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

You have no right to keep any detail he wants to have to yourself. You are still trying to control the situation. If some of the details are the last reason then let them be.

Integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

[Whoknew30]

 

I heartily disagree. The OM's spouse, if he has one, has a right to know. It is amoral not to tell her. By notifying the OMW, OP can show her husband that she is not siding with the OM or trying to protect him.

 

If OP cannot do it, she should encourage her BH to do so.

 

Her BH is actually doing everything right: i.e. showing her consequences for her actions. If he gave her a hug and told her he forgave her and allowed her to stay in the house and kept everything hush hush, she would lose what was left of the little respect she had for him.

 

Perfect him? Her H knows! That's all that matters, her life. Sorry but being worried about AP marriage is just not reality. My H OW didn't owe me anything, my H did not her. I talked to her by accident, but I NEVER would expect anyone's AP to call the BS after sleeping with their spouse. The one that owes that conversation is the WS...anyone else telling (minus a best friend or family member that truly loves them) is someone that is in misery enjoys company mode...it's not coming from a good place.

[wmacbride]

You have no right to keep any detail he wants to have to yourself. You are still trying to control the situation. If some of the details are the last reason then let them be.

Integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

 

exactly this.

I'm not saying that you need to be cruel in how you tell him, but you need to be honest. If you aren't. he will never feel like he can trust you ever again.

[DKT3]

Thank you all for your answers and advise. In the mess that I have created any advise is welcome (even if it comes in tough love form ).

I didn't expect such a reaction and while I have read all your messages I can't give you a personal answer but I will try to address as many questions as possible:

 

OM is divorced and has no relationship (at least not to my knowledge) and while I understand how some people would doubt when I say that it was just sex (I also don't understand how I could risk that much for that little) it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

My sons are 15 (soon to be 16) and 13. They are great boys and have always been very close to their father... I sometimes think that I always have been jealous of their relationship, while they have always loved me and treated me very well there has been always a connection between the three that I have always envied. I miss them, I miss the three of them and I hope I am not going to lose them three.

 

My affair with OM to my shame has lasted for almost 2 years, I have thought about stopping from the first time but I am a weak person and I enjoyed the attention and validation from a guy like the OM, he made me feel desirable in a way that I didn't feel for long... I guess there is something very wrong in me, only a broken person would risk what I have risked for some validation and pleasure.

 

I don't know how my husband found out about my affair, I know that he has known without hard evidences for a while because my husband told my father but I don't know any extra detail because I have not been able to speak with my husband further than me saying how sorry I am and him calling me names and telling me to leave the house. (Please note that I do not condemn him for calling me whore... I guess that is what I am at his eyes at the moment).

 

I know the reconciliation with my husband will be very difficult but I keep hope because we have shared already very difficult moments in our life and we have always been able to get out stronger from it, please don't think I take him for granted, I am very afraid that he won't want me anymore but I keep the hope because he is the thing I love the most in the world together with my sons.

 

I have read your advise and I have booked a IC for tomorrow to try to understand myself better. I also understand that I can come out as controlling and maybe I am because my whole life I had to have the control of everything, if someone was sick I had to be there and take care of them, if my husband had to go away for a business trip I had to go to the shop and help, I had to control everything what was going on in my family so I am used to plan ahead and do damage control when some of them are angry .

 

I have had a talk with my parents and they think I should leave my husband and the kids alone for some time to try to digest what I have done and I will do so. I will call my husband on Saturday and try to set some time where if he is willing to talk with me I will present him my timeline and my letter.

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

Well since he has known for some time I doubt that details would make any difference, it appears that your marriage is done. I'm guessing that he has detached from you while you were sneaking around. Maybe that last meeting was the straw that broke.

 

Two years is a long time, hard to explain that one, hard to convince him you love him, and even worse since he has known for some time. I can only imagine the knives to his heart every time you walked out of the door. Yeah details don't matter, but if he asks you owe him honesty 100%. Answer what's asked but don't answer what's not.

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you all for your answers and advise. In the mess that I have created any advise is welcome (even if it comes in tough love form ).

I didn't expect such a reaction and while I have read all your messages I can't give you a personal answer but I will try to address as many questions as possible:

 

OM is divorced and has no relationship (at least not to my knowledge) and while I understand how some people would doubt when I say that it was just sex (I also don't understand how I could risk that much for that little) it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

My sons are 15 (soon to be 16) and 13. They are great boys and have always been very close to their father... I sometimes think that I always have been jealous of their relationship, while they have always loved me and treated me very well there has been always a connection between the three that I have always envied. I miss them, I miss the three of them and I hope I am not going to lose them three.

 

My affair with OM to my shame has lasted for almost 2 years, I have thought about stopping from the first time but I am a weak person and I enjoyed the attention and validation from a guy like the OM, he made me feel desirable in a way that I didn't feel for long... I guess there is something very wrong in me, only a broken person would risk what I have risked for some validation and pleasure.

 

I don't know how my husband found out about my affair, I know that he has known without hard evidences for a while because my husband told my father but I don't know any extra detail because I have not been able to speak with my husband further than me saying how sorry I am and him calling me names and telling me to leave the house. (Please note that I do not condemn him for calling me whore... I guess that is what I am at his eyes at the moment).

 

I know the reconciliation with my husband will be very difficult but I keep hope because we have shared already very difficult moments in our life and we have always been able to get out stronger from it, please don't think I take him for granted, I am very afraid that he won't want me anymore but I keep the hope because he is the thing I love the most in the world together with my sons.

 

I have read your advise and I have booked a IC for tomorrow to try to understand myself better. I also understand that I can come out as controlling and maybe I am because my whole life I had to have the control of everything, if someone was sick I had to be there and take care of them, if my husband had to go away for a business trip I had to go to the shop and help, I had to control everything what was going on in my family so I am used to plan ahead and do damage control when some of them are angry .

 

I have had a talk with my parents and they think I should leave my husband and the kids alone for some time to try to digest what I have done and I will do so. I will call my husband on Saturday and try to set some time where if he is willing to talk with me I will present him my timeline and my letter.

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

He will expect details and don't be surprised if you get upwards of 1000 questions. If you hold back anything then it will be worse for you in his eyes. If you can come clean, completely clean, that is your only chance to establish trust. He will want to know who it is and his name. How it started. Where did you go and what kinds of lies did you say to cover your tracks. You better give him access to email and cell phone and anything. You no longer are entitled to privacy. And this is all IF he gives you a window of a chance. If he cares less about all that then it is because you have no chance and his mind is set in stone. The fact that he told the kids indicates that your life with him is over though. Frankly, I wish I handles my D Day the way your husband did. This is 2 years of betrayal, a choice that you made and had many times to stop but didn't. Being weak is no excuse. You chose the OM over your husband no matter what your heart is telling you now. There is an element of a woman desiring what she no longer can have and you desire him more because you can not have him any longer it seems.

 

 

How did this start? How did he seduce you? Where did you go? How did you pull this off? May as well share here since these are things you will likely have to answer to the people involved in your life.

[40somethingGuy]

Well since he has known for some time I doubt that details would make any difference, it appears that your marriage is done. I'm guessing that he has detached from you while you were sneaking around. Maybe that last meeting was the straw that broke.

 

Two years is a long time, hard to explain that one, hard to convince him you love him, and even worse since he has known for some time. I can only imagine the knives to his heart every time you walked out of the door. Yeah details don't matter, but if he asks you owe him honesty 100%. Answer what's asked but don't answer what's not.

 

Sounds like he had a PI. Wonder if the OP had a texting history with him. That is usually the fatal mistake WW makes.

[mikeylo]

One thing is guaranteed: You've lost your sons.

[frigginlost]

 

My affair with OM to my shame has lasted for almost 2 years, I have thought about stopping from the first time but I am a weak person and I enjoyed the attention and validation from a guy like the OM, he made me feel desirable in a way that I didn't feel for long... I guess there is something very wrong in me, only a broken person would risk what I have risked for some validation and pleasure.

 

Firstly, thanks for coming back and replying to some of the recommendations from us.

 

I don't know how to put this, but, my ex's cheating went on for just over a year. That was one of the hardest, and most grueling things for me to handle. It was not just the action of her sleeping with another guy, it was the fact that she was able to conceal it for so long. It was like finding out I had no clue of who she was. (I still get sick to my stomach when I think about the feelings I had when she told me).

 

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

For me, I wanted to know everything. I didn't care what I was told as I would not see any signs of life after the nuclear bomb that went off anyway. So, what did it matter? I wanted to know for me. I needed to know. My self-esteem was destroyed. I wanted to get to the lowest point of my life as fast as possible so I could begin to heal. Any single lie told to me as I was trying to get there would kill my journey and I would begin healing based on a lie. Do not lie to him! Also, as pointed out, do not be abused by him either.

 

FWIW, I am a huge believer in second chances, and yes I did reconcile with my ex. It lasted another two years. I knew it was not going to last because she stopped any and all effort to "save us" after six months or so. She figured it's been 6 months, and I should get over it. It does not work that way. You need to realize that you have a major mountain to climb. This is not going to go away in a year. The damage done to him is incredible.

[Bufo]

Mrs John Adams provided some very useful advice. Do go to see a lawyer so you have a good idea of what divorce and post divorce will be like. You have no control over whether BS will file for divorce or when he may do that. Don't be bushwhacked.

 

Many times I've recommended legal consultation for the BS. Thanks to Mrs JA I see that such advice applies to WS too.

 

I know divorce is not where you want to end up. But it could happen. Be prepared. M

[GorillaTheater]

Not if you keep doing it. If you are involved in more than one A & or in a position to where you keep spreading negativity into people's lives...it's not the right thing. It's spreading misery onto others & pakaging it as the "right thing", to one feel better about themselves.

 

 

Either that or to let the one unaware spouse in on the situation. Most BS's would want to know if their spouse was f*cking around.

 

 

And to turn your argument around, you can't hardly claim to be shielding that BS out of some sense of compassion for him or her after you've engaged in said f*cking around with their spouse.

[eye of the storm]

OP, nobody likes it when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. And you do not get to choose how he deals with it or if there is a D. He does. You took his ability to choose what was going on with his life when you cheated on him. You exposed him to STDs for 2 years. The ball is in his part now. He finally gets to choose.

 

It hurts. And I am sorry for your pain. But you must accept that you caused this. They (your H and your sons) are suffering because of you.

 

You cannot fix this. You cannot sorry your way out of it.

 

All you can do is accept.

 

What ever he asks, answer. Don't rub his nose in it. Answer calmly and completely. Don't trickle truth him. Don't down play. Don't blame shift. You did this.

 

If he says the M is over, then you need to accept it. And change your discussion to co-parenting.

[kgcolonel]

OP, on your question regarding the details....if your BH finds out that you miss one single detail, the rest of the timeline and reconciliation efforts will go for naught.....

 

Are you worried that you did something with the OM that you either did not do or would not do with your husband? If so, you're right, this will really sting....but you still need to be open and honest...I would personally give one exception, if he asks if the OM was better....I as the husband would want to know that he was not that it was only the attention....I may get roasted for this but ..... that is my honest opinion.

 

Additionally, I personally think your waiting til Saturday is too soon....maybe next weekend would be more reasonable....you might ask your IC about the timing.....

 

Good luck.

[Springsummer]

wow...cheated for 2 years......

 

you had all the time in the world to think about the consequences and how could you look at your H every day in those 2 years, after he came back home from a day's hard work?

 

extremely selfish is an understatement. bet you only feel sorry when you got caught.

[aileD]

I don't know if your marriage will survive.

 

I feel for you. But you might not be able to change this.

 

You can let your husband know how truly sorry you are and do the work on yourself to show that you know this was all you.

 

The relationship with your sons is most important now. You need a hear to hear with them when they are calmed down

 

You can't fix this quick. You are in for years of repair and heartache.