Author kckc Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 To add he wasn't just lying. His family, his friends, his coworkers. Everyone was in on this nonsense, but you. After all this, if you want to continue dating him and raising his kid(not yours), that is up to you Me? I'd would end this and find another job I already mentioned it too, his family and coworkers weren't involved, his mom was one and only. 1
herodgrant Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Yeah this happened to me, although he only admitted it after we had split up! Please, you can do better than this guy. Why would he be hiding this? That's totally crazy. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to his wife. I would ask her - without leading her in any way or telling her what you've been told - to tell you the story of the demise of their marriage. See if it jibes with what he has told you. I'm not sure that's a particularly fair litmus test. In any separation there are always 3 sides to the story... his, hers, and the truth somewhere in between. I know that in my own separation my ex told all the neighbours that she left me because I was holding her back. She "forgot" to mention that she cheated and I kicked her out. Our versions differed very significantly. Personally I think this is a very bad sign. He has proved that is a very good liar. He can lie to your face very convincingly. Being with someone who has the ability to do that is a very risky business. Not only do you have to wonder what else he's lied about, but what else he might lie about in the future. BAD liars make better partners, IMO. 2
kendahke Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 He gave me an envelope, guess what was inside? A letter and... a signed divorce papers. Signed by him and her. Call the county clerk to make sure those papers are legitimate. They will tell you that they've been filed because they're public record. 2
elaine567 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 I already mentioned it too, his family and coworkers weren't involved, his mom was one and only. So no-one in his family or at work knew he was married? 1
olivetree Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 So did he know she was pregnant when they separated? Has he had a paternity test done on the child? Why do you wish to stay with him knowing he lied this whole time? The baby was already born when they separated. By her timeline the baby is now 2 years old.
Author kckc Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 Ok so I met his wife and their stories matches 100%, she said she was a bi*** and was slowing down the divorce process. She said it was just easier to deal with stuff this way. She finally signed the papers because he showed up and ask her to, as she said "I can tell he really loves you, so I'll let him to marry you". And I met her boyfriend, too. They live together. 1
kendahke Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Ok, so I'm just naive, blind and I should dump my boyfriend because he sure doesn't love me, uses me and our relationship is just a big joke? You should put him on ice until an executed divorce decree is in his hands and the county clerk confirms that the marriage has been dissolved in a court of law. If you do not play hard ball and can be bought with a surprise dinner, then you need to prepare yourself for many years of manipulation and lies by omission. 4
Gaeta Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Ok so I met his wife and their stories matches 100%, she said she was a bi*** and was slowing down the divorce process. She said it was just easier to deal with stuff this way. She finally signed the papers because he showed up and ask her to, as she said "I can tell he really loves you, so I'll let him to marry you". And I met her boyfriend, too. They live together. You met with her and all you have to report is 3 lines? Did you ask why they are divorcing? Did you ask what was the problem that lead to a divorce? Did they already have problems when they married? Why a child in the middle of this? 1
Redhead14 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Yeah, if you were going to have a "sit down" with her, you should have done a more in depth "interview". You had an opportunity discover some important details that may affect your decision. Instead, you heard something you wanted to hear, to keep a positive spin on it all and stopped there? "I can tell he really loves you, so I'll let him to marry you". -- That's very noble Of course, she'll "let him marry you", that way she doesn't have to deal with his bull**** anymore . . . "he's her problem now". 2
Gaeta Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Yeah, if you were going to have a "sit down" with her, you should have done a more in depth "interview". You had an opportunity discover some important details that may affect your decision. Instead, you heard something you wanted to hear, to keep a positive spin on it all and stopped there? "I can tell he really loves you, so I'll let him to marry you". -- That's very noble Of course, she'll "let him marry you", that way she doesn't have to deal with his bull**** anymore . . . "he's her problem now". And she said she did not sign the papers out of spite and be a little B. Why would she do that if, as he said, it was a common decision to split? And usually the bitter one is one that got hurt.
Redhead14 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 The decision may have been mutual, however, something may have happened or come to light after the decision was made, that pissed her off or hurt her . . . She may just be taking the "high road" when she talks to the OP to facilitate a smoother "transition". It appears that she is invested in someone else and wants to move forward for herself and not throw up anymore roadblocks. She may have been getting pressure from her new SO to do what needs to be done. I'm kinda wondering what the fly on the wall at her house would hear . . . 1
SoleMate Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Like the story that the ex-wife started an affair right after giving birth while she is taking care of a new baby? I mean, I am sure it has happened, but I'd say it is VERY rare. New moms are tired and haggard feeling, not ripe for taking a lover. Red flag for me. Agree totally. OP, did you ask the STBX(?)W about this? I'd bet $20 cash that this story is not true. As a new mom, it was hard to find time for even a shower or making and drinking a cup of tea, let alone getting dressed up to go out hunting my next man (while my breasts were leaking through my sweater). Or perhaps your bf was so accommodating as to allow his newly birthed wife to entertain her lover in the bedroom while he cared for the baby in the living room. That IS possible. Just highly, highly IMPROBABLE. As to the BF, of course, it's your choice to believe whatever anyone tells you. It's normal to be a strong partisan of the man you love, and to see him as trustworthy and justified in his actions even against the evidence. The rest of us here commenting aren't blinded by love or sex or emotional attachment. We can just look at the facts, which indicate a man who bends reality to serve his need at your expense. 1
SoleMate Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Also, as one or two others have alluded to, anyone can print off a court form and fill it out, adding whatever signatures are necessary. Any supposed "court document" should have the official seal of the county clerk, along with an auto-stamped case number, with filing date and time. For you to be able to give any credence to papers he shows you, you should check with a family law practitioner on your jurisdiction. I'd pay for 1 hour of time so you can hear the whole situation explained. Ah heck, take your BF along with you....just make sure you write the check to the attorney. Have your BF bring all his "divorce papers" with him. The attorney should be able to quickly pull the docket of the case (if there is one) and show you the exact timeline to date, what the next steps should be if someone truly wanted to finalize a divorce, and whether the supposed "divorce papers" are in fact authentic. Keep in mind an honest man who was really working on a divorce would welcome this meeting and fact finding. A liar and deceiver won't. Good luck!
Author kckc Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 I've asked her about everything. She seems a little weird, because I haven't mentioned about the reason that caused their issues and separation... When she was 4 weeks pregnant (didn't know yet) she has cheated on my boyfriend. She's done it once with her coworker, she told him and that's when their issues has began. They tried to work on it for the whole pregnancy, he said that she really tried and was assuring him that she loves him. The truth is that she has met that guy several times during pregnancy, my boyfriend found out and went nuts and finally moved out after 4 months after their baby was born. He told me this story and she admitted it's true, her current boyfriend is that guy she cheated with. What's odd to me is the fact that she said she still loves her husband. When he moved out, she tried to get back to him but he refused. She didn't want to sign the papers because it means their marriage will be really over. I don't get it, why someone would cheat on a person they love? And yet, move in with that person? Aanyway, my boyfriend is really done with her and he has moved on. He admits that when after he found out she still meets that guy and when he moved out he wasn't even sorry, he was just disgusted by her and before it happened he just wanted to try and work it out for the baby. When she told him about what she's done, he didn't feel about her the same way anymore. He just wanted to give it a try and then boom, she cheated again. And it was over.
Gaeta Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 This would be a big blow to any men. Are you the 1st woman he dates seriously since? I strongly suggest he has a paternity test done.
Author kckc Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 Are you the 1st woman he dates seriously since? Seriously? Yes. When he moved out, he was seeing someone for few weeks. I strongly suggest he has a paternity test done. You're right... why it hasn't crossed my mind... Maybe that baby isn't even his and that's why she didn't want to sign the papers...
Gaeta Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Seriously? Yes. When he moved out, he was seeing someone for few weeks. Another reason to date him long term before contracting in a marriage with him. Dating someone a few weeks doesn't count as a relationship. You are his first relationship after his marriage failed. He is grabbing on to you as one would hold on to a life-buoy. Often these relationships do not make it long term. As soon as the wounds are healed they want to move on, they rarely settle with the woman that threw the life-buoy to them. You're right... why it hasn't crossed my mind... Maybe that baby isn't even his and that's why she didn't want to sign the papers... She is a cheater and a liar. She could easily lied about when that affair started. Chances are this baby isn't his. 1
Author kckc Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 Another reason to date him long term before contracting in a marriage with him. Dating someone a few weeks doesn't count as a relationship. You are his first relationship after his marriage failed. He is grabbing on to you as one would hold on to a life-buoy. Often these relationships do not make it long term. As soon as the wounds are healed they want to move on, they rarely settle with the woman that threw the life-buoy to them. I hope you are not right But I will definitely give him a minimum of 2 years before contracting in a marriage. If that baby isn't his, it'd ruin his life I'm afraid
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Another reason to date him long term before contracting in a marriage with him. Dating someone a few weeks doesn't count as a relationship. You are his first relationship after his marriage failed. He is grabbing on to you as one would hold on to a life-buoy. Often these relationships do not make it long term. As soon as the wounds are healed they want to move on, they rarely settle with the woman that threw the life-buoy to them. She is a cheater and a liar. She could easily lied about when that affair started. Chances are this baby isn't his. My bf has basically told me this in so many words. He sees me as something that lit up his life after so many years of darkness. Like a life raft. He says that meeting me is the turning point in his life. I felt uneasy about these statements as he didn't really know me well at the time to say it. He attempted to tell me he loves me after 1 month but I stopped him so he now just tells me that he is "crazy about me". But yes, my concern is that he doesn't even see me as a real person, just a symbol of something. I am the first women he slept with after 15 years of marriage and first he has seriously dated. I do worry what will happen once he heals as he is still healing at this stage (even though he doesn't admit this) 1
pteromom Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I'm not sure that's a particularly fair litmus test. In any separation there are always 3 sides to the story... his, hers, and the truth somewhere in between. I know that in my own separation my ex told all the neighbours that she left me because I was holding her back. She "forgot" to mention that she cheated and I kicked her out. Our versions differed very significantly. Personally I think this is a very bad sign. He has proved that is a very good liar. He can lie to your face very convincingly. Being with someone who has the ability to do that is a very risky business. Not only do you have to wonder what else he's lied about, but what else he might lie about in the future. BAD liars make better partners, IMO. I realize she might lie. But you can get a lot of information from taking his and hers, and extrapolating what the truth may be.
TheTraveler Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Another reason to date him long term before contracting in a marriage with him. Dating someone a few weeks doesn't count as a relationship. You are his first relationship after his marriage failed. He is grabbing on to you as one would hold on to a life-buoy. Often these relationships do not make it long term. As soon as the wounds are healed they want to move on, they rarely settle with the woman that threw the life-buoy to them. There's the juice. OP is the rebound woman and now he's clinging on to her because he wants that stability again after a failed marriage.
How Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I mean it really depends on the relationship. Not all first relationships after a long term break up are rebounds. I dated my girlfriend shortly after a 7 year on and off relationship. But I do think by the end of my previous relationship I was relieved it was done. But I think the original poster's situation is less about being a rebound relationship and more about possible longer-term trust issues. This man already lied about being married. What else is he lying about?
AmandaDiane Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Sister, run away as fast as you can. This is a HUGE thing to be able to hide, RUN AWAY!
Author kckc Posted December 18, 2016 Author Posted December 18, 2016 I'd say, we're good. Trying to clean the mess, he's attentive. We talked about my suspicions of the baby, he said he will get the paternity test for sure - it's difficult for him because he loves the baby as his own... He still believes he is the biological father, though. His ex started giving problems, she wants the full custody, she doesn't let him to see the baby as often, this part is all messed up.
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