My boyfriend is married!!! Just found out... :(

[Gaeta]

How do you know they had serious relationship issues before marriage? I have never said anything like this... That's only your speculation - on that you create an opinion? On your (not true) suspicions? Their issues started when she was pregnant.You are completely wrong about it, where did it come from, I haven't mentioned anything like this.

 

OK, then tell us what issues started during a pregnancy that was SO BIG that they had to divorced after the baby's birth? They had just gotten married may I remind you so they were in love, right. You never mentioned something big like alcoholism, cheating, abuse. So what makes a couple give up SO QUICKLY on their marriage and family?

[Gaeta]

OK, then tell us what issues started during a pregnancy that was SO BIG that they had to divorced after the baby's birth? They had just gotten married may I remind you so they were in love, right. You never mentioned something big like alcoholism, cheating, abuse. So what makes a couple give up SO QUICKLY on their marriage and family?

 

These are questions you should ask him.

 

When couples marry, when they decide to have children together this is serious business. They don't just quit on their marriage and family after 6 months of a difficult phase. Ask anyone on here who's been married ! People hold on to their marriage till their knuckle turn blue!! So I don't think he gave you the REAL reason why they are not together anymore.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Asking your question about his communication with the wife, they only get in touch about the baby. She lives in a different city located about 45 miles away. They got separated in March 2015, we are together since about April this year. We met at work when I started working at the same place in May 2015 and became a really good friends. We instantly clicked. Hope now it's all clear.

 

It makes sense. And thank you for this post.

I say we're together since April but we've been very close since May last year, we were a very good friends before we officially committed our relationship. It's like almost 2 years we've known each other, that's why I treat him seriously. doesn't mean I want him to marry me asap, no. But there is that possibility.

 

Why he left his wife... They have had issues, I mean you can't blame someone if the love disappears. They've tried to work on their marriage, went MC, nothing changed. He wanted to get divorced but someone adviced him to get separated first and he agreed. It's not like he just left her for no reason. He's got his daughter as often as he wants, sometimes the entire week or two, he cares about the baby, he's a very good father but his and his wife's love just ended.

 

Yes, he was worried of my reaction, that's for sure, but how long would he keep it as a secret? I tend to overreact and take stuff personally, but it shouldn't stop him. I know there are much worse things than those, I do love him and I want to be with him, however I wish he'd learn from it. I can't just say "oh it's fine, you lied to me for more than a year and I don't care". But I hear you and I think your reply is an eye opener. I still want to see these papers signed, though.

 

He apparently lied to you for 2 years actually. And you know for sure they were already separated in March 2015 why?

Because you trust him? Just like you trusted him that he was single?

 

What do you mean by procedure a divorce? They are not divorced yet, it's just their agreement for a divorce.

 

 

I remember I told him I'd never date a married man or who's in not in a stable situation because one day he asked me what would I do if a still married man with baby asked me out, I said I have nothing to the baby but my answer would be a no. I didn't know he's talking about himself. .

 

Who did you think he was talking about!?!

[kckc]

Sorry what I meant by that was he produces "divorce papers" so he produces a divorce over night meaning getting the ball rolling to get the divorce. Those papers in the envelope were divorce papers correct?

 

Well, it was a joint petition for divorce. He promised to inform me and show a notice of proceedings form when it comes.

[kckc]

These are questions you should ask him.

 

When couples marry, when they decide to have children together this is serious business. They don't just quit on their marriage and family after 6 months of a difficult phase. Ask anyone on here who's been married ! People hold on to their marriage till their knuckle turn blue!! So I don't think he gave you the REAL reason why they are not together anymore.

 

Do you think it would be fair to ask his wife about this?

[elaine567]

What do you mean by procedure a divorce? They are not divorced yet, it's just their agreement for a divorce.

 

 

Which, if you read the OW side of the forum, means very, very little.

 

Was he even separated when you first started talking/dating?

Maybe you need to have a word with his wife.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well, it was a joint petition for divorce. He promised to inform me and show a notice of proceedings form when it comes.

 

Ok I guess that means the precedings to get a divorce going. The point is he actually produced something divorce related over night, that's how easy it was to get it going and yet he chose to lie to you for 2 years and not do that instead. Don't you find that kind of odd?

 

Why tarnish your relationship, and risk potentially losing you and wait for you to find out as you did if he could so easily get the ball rolling as he did?

 

I understand you love him and want things to really work out and for him to be telling you the truth but this whole picture is really messy and I can't believe he won you over so easily but getting into your house unannounced to woo you with dinner and preceding papers.

 

If you trust that he is good enough for you then that's good enough for you I guess. You did ask for our opinions and what would we do - not in a million years would I trust someone that did what he did on all levels let lone someone that zeroed me out at work and decided "we were going to have something together" and then proceeded to blind me with lies along the way.

 

I don't know how you can believe anything he tells you now?

 

How do you know they were separated in March of last year? Again this is what he told you.

[Gaeta]

Do you think it would be fair to ask his wife about this?

 

It's an option depending on the type of person she is and how objective you can be. If you want him no matter what than it would be a waste of your time and hers.

[kckc]

He apparently lied to you for 2 years actually. And you know for sure they were already separated in March 2015 why?

Because you trust him? Just like you trusted him that he was single?

 

Well, almost two years, yeah.

First, he told me, second, his mum told me, and he didn't wear his wedding ring to work. I met his wife actually, she knew we were together, like I said it wasn't a secret, everyone knew we date. I bet his wife would be mad at me when she saw us together. But she wasn't.

 

Who did you think he was talking about!?!

 

I don't know, we tend to ask ourselves "what would you do if..." so it didn't give me any ideas.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well, almost two years, yeah.

First, he told me, second, his mum told me, and he didn't wear his wedding ring to work. I met his wife actually, she knew we were together, like I said it wasn't a secret, everyone knew we date. I bet his wife would be mad at me when she saw us together. But she wasn't.

 

But again, his mother was the one that lied to your for him as well.

[olivetree]

I will focus on the lying part since that is the part that bothers you. Not his impulsivity, etc.

 

Personally, I don't want to date someone that lies about anything at all. Big or small. I don't ever want to wonder if what someone tells me is the truth.

 

If someone can lie about something like this, they are likely to have a tendency to keep secrets rather than rock the boat. It's just a part of their character. Some people can accept that and have a similar orientation so it's not a big deal to them.

 

Clearly this is a big deal for you, but it sounds like you want to give him another chance. How will you handle it if he lies again?

[kckc]

Ok I guess that means the precedings to get a divorce going. The point is he actually produced something divorce related over night, that's how easy it was to get it going and yet he chose to lie to you for 2 years and not do that instead. Don't you find that kind of odd?

 

Why tarnish your relationship, and risk potentially losing you and wait for you to find out as you did if he could so easily get the ball rolling as he did?

 

I understand you love him and want things to really work out and for him to be telling you the truth but this whole picture is really messy and I can't believe he won you over so easily but getting into your house unannounced to woo you with dinner and preceding papers.

 

If you trust that he is good enough for you then that's good enough for you I guess. You did ask for our opinions and what would we do - not in a million years would I trust someone that did what he did on all levels let lone someone that zeroed me out at work and decided "we were going to have something together" and then proceeded to blind me with lies along the way.

 

I don't know how you can believe anything he tells you now?

 

How do you know they were separated in March of last year? Again this is what he told you.

 

Yesterday he told me that he wanted to tell me SO many times, so many... but he just didn't grow his balls as he knew I'd hate him even more for not telling me the truth. He said he lost control over it, he wished secretly that I will find out by myself and decide if I want to be with him or not. He knows it was very wrong, but he assures me that's the only thing he kept for himself. He basically send me messages saying that he hopes I will ever forgive him and if he could've turn back time... But at second, maybe we wouldn't even be together. And I absolutely don't regret committing a relationship with him. I know that for you he's a disgusting cheater and liar but trust me or not - he's wonderful. I have never met a guy that takes so much care about someone, who listen everything I say, who don't ever shout at me, don't argue, who's calm and always try to solve the issues. I don't want this one lie to ruin everything we built. And I know this is only lie he told me. I hate him for it and love at the same time. I was so hurt that he lied about such a thing, but at the same time - we probably wouldn't be together. But I'm happy with him, no one EVER made me this happy in my entire life....

[kckc]

It's an option depending on the type of person she is and how objective you can be. If you want him no matter what than it would be a waste of your time and hers.

 

I think I will give it a go. She's ok, she doesn't hate me or anything like this, she's generally nice. I know the reason but I want to hear what she says, if her reasoning will be the same, I'll just leave it and move on.

[Gaeta]

Yesterday he told me that he wanted to tell me SO many times, so many... but he just didn't grow his balls as he knew I'd hate him even more for not telling me the truth. He said he lost control over it, he wished secretly that I will find out by myself and decide if I want to be with him or not. He knows it was very wrong, but he assures me that's the only thing he kept for himself.

 

what the !!

 

So, if he was so afraid of telling you and so afraid you'd be mad at his lie and his situation why didn't start the divorce procedure 6 months ago? or 2 months ago? before you discovered it?

 

What if you never discovered it? How do you think it would have unfolded?

 

I think he got those divorce papers going because he got caught. If you had never over heard their conversation 2 years down the road he'd still be married to his ex.

[kendahke]

What would you do if you were me? Maybe I'm overreacting...

 

Leave him.

 

You are not overreacting. He's legally married. Only death and divorce decrees dissolve legal marriages.

[kckc]

what the !!

 

So, if he was so afraid of telling you and so afraid you'd be mad at his lie and his situation why didn't start the divorce procedure 6 months ago? or 2 months ago? before you discovered it?

 

What if you never discovered it? How do you think it would have unfolded?

 

I think he got those divorce papers going because he got caught. If you had never over heard their conversation 2 years down the road he'd still be married to his ex.

 

I will just talk to his wife and we'll see. I think there must be something.

[pteromom]

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to his wife. I would ask her - without leading her in any way or telling her what you've been told - to tell you the story of the demise of their marriage. See if it jibes with what he has told you.

 

And - I wouldn't put any stock at all into what his mom says. She almost certainly got her info from HIM. Like the story that the ex-wife started an affair right after giving birth while she is taking care of a new baby? I mean, I am sure it has happened, but I'd say it is VERY rare. New moms are tired and haggard feeling, not ripe for taking a lover. Red flag for me.

 

I agree with others that his grand proposal was a manipulation tactic, as was the way he asked you out without spilling that he was married.

 

I have a bad feeling about this whole thing. And to be clear - I have no hate. I am just concerned for you.

 

I agree with Gaeta about NOT accepting the proposal, taking your time, keeping your eyes open for red flags, and paying attention to his character. Oh and - use condoms. Maybe even 2.

[Gaeta]

I will just talk to his wife and we'll see. I think there must be something.

 

The thing is, and you confirm to me, he was trying to get away with it for as long as possible. He's sorry alright, he's sorry he got caught.

 

I am not saying he didn't divorce because he's still harboring feelings for his ex but he was getting something out of it financially and he was stretching it as long as he could.

 

Do you wonder why SHE did not start the procedure? especially if she had already met someone, why didn't she want her freedom too?

[smackie9]

The dangers I am referring to is the fact that his situation with his ex is having an effect on his fiances...a mortgage, child support and possible alimony. This is going to jeopardize any financial stability if you both decide to proceed with a future together. If he does make more income, he will be obligated to increase at least the child support. If she doesn't work, he will have to keep her in the lifestyle she had when they were together until she gets married again.

 

The thing is, how long is he going to keep their situation? Is he going to lie about that too and keep stringing you along? Shady be shady.

[kckc]

 

Do you wonder why SHE did not start the procedure? especially if she had already met someone, why didn't she want her freedom too?

 

I was thinking about the same thing.

[typingrandma]

Wow! That is so frustrating because it sounds like you really like this guy.

 

My question would be is this really just a matter of a slip of sound thinking?? Or a huge character issue. What do you think?? Perhaps you could check with other friends and find out a little more about him to see what his true character is. A future with this man would have to be built on trust. Are you ever going to be able to trust him?? When he calls and says he is working late, can you believe that? I think I would question that he was only separated from his wife for one month when he got together with you. And if he really likes you, wouldn't he trust that you would be willing to wait for him?

 

And they aren't getting a divorce yet after all these months? Does that worry you??

 

I would proceed very cautiously friend. Don't jump into the fire.

[S2B]

I will just talk to his wife and we'll see. I think there must be something.

 

So he separated in March of 2015 and still had sex with her while separated and had the baby early 2016 only to start dating you in April of 2016? Never filing divorce papers? And probably still having sex with his wife...?

 

 

Did I get that right?

 

And then he lied to you the WHOLE time he was seeing you?

 

NOPE, a liar like that would never get the chance to see my face again! I'd text him and say it is OVER due to his inability to be honest!

 

That's a HUGE character defect that I wouldn't be able to overlook.

 

The red flag is waving - pay attention to the gift you're getting now.

[S2B]

The thing is, and you confirm to me, he was trying to get away with it for as long as possible. He's sorry alright, he's sorry he got caught.

 

I am not saying he didn't divorce because he's still harboring feelings for his ex but he was getting something out of it financially and he was stretching it as long as he could.

 

Do you wonder why SHE did not start the procedure? especially if she had already met someone, why didn't she want her freedom too?

 

I think because he's been sleeping with her and leading her to believe he may get back together with her - she is the wife, ya know?

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, talk to his wife.

 

That was the only comfort I got in my situation. I didn't lead her in any way or tell her what he told me. I also talked to her without telling him I was going to do it (but I told him afterwards and he was super understanding and told me to talk to whoever I need to).

 

She has told me about her affair, about the date of separation about why they delayed divorce proceedings, about the fact that he made it absolutely clear that he doesn't want her back, even about the failed MC and the number of times they slept together since the separation (once). All matched his story 100%. But....even though she was friendly, she told me that in the spirit of honesty she is also going to attempt to get him back and change his mind even though she harbours no ill will towards me. I thanked her but told her that in that case, it's probably better if we have no contact for now.

 

He also treats me better than any man has ever treated me. Flowers, dinners, trips away, suprises and constant adoration and attention. He just puts so much effort in, in stark contrast to "netflix and chilll" guys I dated over the years (who not only put no effort in but also lied at the same time). It's all tinged with the darkness of his lie though and uneasininess about the ex trying to get him back. Sigh.

[TheTraveler]

"He apologized that he kept it quiet for so long, but was just scared I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew."

 

Oh he definitely knew what he was doing. Your entire relationship was built on a massive lie from the beginning. The question is do you want that?

 

Only you can answer that.

 

Me, I would bail and find someone else