Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 So we're just different people I guess. It's more that I am older, more experienced and I can smell manipulation 100 miles around. You are not there yet. 3
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Maybe they should have tried counceling or working at it longer. I think it's highly unfair though to pretend he 'left' her, or that it was his choice to seperate. From the way it's being told both the man and woman wanted out (her to the point of already having met someone else). You can't just pin it on him and make claims about his character just because their marriage didn't work out, regardless of the presence of a young child. You're right I should not assume he is the soul responsible. It takes 2 special idiots to marry, make a baby and divorce all within a year. 3
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Maybe they should have tried counceling or working at it longer. I think it's highly unfair though to pretend he 'left' her, or that it was his choice to seperate. From the way it's being told both the man and woman wanted out (her to the point of already having met someone else). You can't just pin it on him and make claims about his character just because their marriage didn't work out, regardless of the presence of a young child. They have tried it, but it just didn't work out. I mean, why to keep something that don't work out? You're right, it was decision made by them both.
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 You're right I should not assume he is the soul responsible. It takes 2 special idiots to marry, make a baby and divorce all within a year. why so much hate?
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 why so much hate? I am sorry you do not see that your boyfriend does not understand the seriousness of marriage. They obviously married while having serious relationship problems, and on top of that made a baby while going through serious relationship problems right? Would you consider that mature? Would you consider that the action of a man that is serious and grounded? Then he proposes to you at 8 months dating right in the middle of a disagreement about a lie. Would you consider that mature? would you consider that the action of a serious grounded man? 9
Mikau Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 You're right I should not assume he is the soul responsible. It takes 2 special idiots to marry, make a baby and divorce all within a year. I agree. It just doesn't also mean he's an ******* or scum too.
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I agree. It just doesn't also mean he's an ******* or scum too. I never said he is an arse and a scum. I am saying he is immature, impulsive, and has bad judgement. 2
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 he is immature, impulsive, and has bad judgement. And all the more reason to not continue with this relationship. You are blinded by love and don't see the danger ahead. 4
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Ok, so I'm just naive, blind and I should dump my boyfriend because he sure doesn't love me, uses me and our relationship is just a big joke?
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Ok, so I'm just naive, blind and I should dump my boyfriend because he sure doesn't love me, uses me and our relationship is just a big joke? Now you are putting words in my mouth. I have never said that. * You should forget about marrying this man for now. * You should not be so quick give him your entire trust again. * He needs to proves himself to you big time over a long period of time * You need another 1 to 2 years to judge this man. 3
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Now you are putting words in my mouth. I have never said that. * You should forget about marrying this man for now. * You should not be so quick give him your entire trust again. * He needs to proves himself to you big time over a long period of time * You need another 1 to 2 years to judge this man. And now this is talking. I totally agree with you. 1
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Jesus, rebound?? :confused: Naaaaah, I don't think so. I said we were a very good friends. I don't like the way you judge our relationship... he's grabbed the first woman that will have him, you doubt he wants to marry me, he will do anything to keep me around.... this is rude. Why so negative? Why so negative? Have you forgotten what you posted? There are red flags waving all around and you are choosing to ignore them. Here is a guy fresh out of another relationship, just not a "relationship" but a 5 year one and a one year marriage and with a small baby to boot, who "forgot" to tell you he was married for the entire 8 months you have been "dating" AND he never mentioned it for all the time you were "friends" either. Not only did he "forget" to mention it he actually lied and told you her was just engaged. I kind of get the never bringing it up, but the bare faced lie???? Caught out on the lie, he proposes marriage to you... smh. And you wonder why no-one here is congratulating you on that "catch of the century"... As Gaeta says "he is immature, impulsive, and has bad judgement.", he has leapt straight out of one mess into another, is that really the type of man you want to marry?
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Why so negative? Have you forgotten what you posted? There are red flags waving all around and you are choosing to ignore them. Here is a guy fresh out of another relationship, just not a "relationship" but a 5 year one and a one year marriage and with a small baby to boot, who "forgot" to tell you he was married for the entire 8 months you have been "dating" AND he never mentioned it for all the time you were "friends" either. Not only did he "forget" to mention it he actually lied and told you her was just engaged. I kind of get the never bringing it up, but the bare faced lie???? Caught out on the lie, he proposes marriage to you... smh. And you wonder why no-one here is congratulating you on that "catch of the century"... As Gaeta says "he is immature, impulsive, and has bad judgement.", he has leapt straight out of one mess into another, is that really the type of man you want to marry? I don't know, because only issue I see is him lying. This is real issue to me, but because his marriage didn't last long, doesn't make him immature. Actually they both handled it pretty well, baby still got two loving and caring parents - this is an issue only because they're not together? I know some couples that doesn't have so much time for their babies, even though they are married. They got married because they were in love, because they wanted it. Please don't call them immature idiots because of it, you don't know what kind of people they are. And quick divorce happens in many, many marriages. Like I said, you don't know them, you don't know how their life looks like, what they were going through, what kind of issues they had, what decisions they had to make to judge them and say they are idiots who didn't know what they do. And maybe you're right - his proposal probably was quick but you know what, he did it because he WANTED it, and this should be only thing that matters. You can't tell what hapens in the future, can you? I'd call it immature when someone agrees to get married from any other reason except love. If two people love each other, why not to marry? Or you know what's immature too? Having a baby when you know you can't afford it or give him love. But as far as I know they treat baby well and love her a lot. I assure you, they are very responsible parents.
eightytwenty Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 While I do think he did a few things wrong about not telling you, I don't think this is a deal breaker. I would before accepting the proposal I would want to see the divorce done. I would want a talk about how it's going to affect you two. As in how much is he going to have to pay to the mother for the baby. Finances because of it. It's not dating anymore when the proposal is asked. You need to know all the info about him. What does he spend money on, if he wants kids, why did he walk away from his ex when the baby was that young, you need to ask every question possible. If more red flags pop up you need to think on it, because marriage is long, and even a great relationship is work. LS is amazing and great for wisdom, but I do know that everyone is going to throw up a couple red flags, doesn't mean they are a deal breaker.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 kckc What I find really odd with this whole situation is that he lied to you for over a year and had every intention to stay separate and keep lying to you then you overhear him and confront him and he produces a divorce over night!? You said you had been friends with him at work for quite some time before you started dating. When did that friendship at work start? And how close were you, can you describe the friendship? Like did you have long conversations at work, outside of work.... what was that like? And during those times did he tell you he even had an ex anything (wife/girlfriend) and a baby? 1
Gaeta Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I don't know, because only issue I see is him lying. This is real issue to me, but because his marriage didn't last long, doesn't make him immature. Actually they both handled it pretty well, baby still got two loving and caring parents - this is an issue only because they're not together? I know some couples that doesn't have so much time for their babies, even though they are married. They got married because they were in love, The immature part was to get married while having serious relationship issues and on top of that having a baby in the middle of those issues. You don't get married or make babies to fix a relationship. ***** They had huge problems and his solution was to propose to her and to have a child. He had huge problems with you and his solution was to propose to you. SEE a similarity here? 2
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I assure you, they are very responsible parents. Good for them, but where do you actually fit in here? When the going gets tough the tough get going, and a man walking away from a one year marriage when his first born child is just 4 months old is a huge worry for you. Babies put a huge strain on a relationship and IF what you say is true that they really were so much in love, then with a bit of maturity behind them, then perhaps they will be able to make this work for the sake of their child if nothing else. That is the risk you take here, you are the fourth wheel. Your bf, his wife and their first born child are the "unit", so where does that really leave you? Yes, he can get a divorce, but he has had really no time to be a free man and to find himself. He has jumped straight from her to you and that is why you are probably the rebound. Rebound relationships are wonderful, you feel so cared for and loved as the hurt person has slotted you into the place their beloved used to be. YOU get comfortable very quickly, it seems so serious, so real, so intense, so right. BUT it only feels like that because he is treating you like a person he deeply loves, not like a person he just met. Once he wakes up to realise you are not really his wife, he will most likely dump you or start treating you bad as you are not the person he truly wants, and that leaves you devastated and heartbroken. I hope this does work out well for you, but the "lie", tends to make me think it probably won't and that you are in fact the rebound. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Also to add to my last questions, do you know why they got separated in the first place? What types of issues where they having that they decided to call it quits after a baby is born?
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 kckc What I find really odd with this whole situation is that he lied to you for over a year and had every intention to stay separate and keep lying to you then you overhear him and confront him and he produces a divorce over night!? What do you mean by procedure a divorce? They are not divorced yet, it's just their agreement for a divorce. You said you had been friends with him at work for quite some time before you started dating. When did that friendship at work start? And how close were you, can you describe the friendship? Like did you have long conversations at work, outside of work.... what was that like? And during those times did he tell you he even had an ex anything (wife/girlfriend) and a baby? We have been working at the same department, we've done a few big projects together, we share similar sense of humour so we started talking more and more. There was always interest between us, he became one of the closest friends I had. We talked about pretty much everything, about life, issues, our past relationships, work, everything. I remember I told him I'd never date a married man or who's in not in a stable situation because one day he asked me what would I do if a still married man with baby asked me out, I said I have nothing to the baby but my answer would be a no. I didn't know he's talking about himself. On the begining we didn't take our friendship outside the office, but then I remember I called him once when I was sick to "come and make me dinner", as friends, nothing else. But that was the time when I've started looking at him diferently, I've started to be more flirty and I became strongly attracted to him. One evening we stayed together longer at work and he just kissed me. Then he apologized, but I said that I liked it. When we later talked about it and our friendship he said he always liked me but wasn't sure if I wanted more. He said he saw me when I came for an unterview and had a very strange feeling about me, like he knew we'll get involved. And he said I was extremely nervous and shy. When it was my first day he was absent, but when he came the second day, he was one of those people that tried to help. However, we didn't really talk for the first few days.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Ok thank you for explaining your "friendship" kckc, this is what I was suspecting. I think I understand why he left his ex right after they had a baby. Good luck with whatever you decided to do. 1
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 The immature part was to get married while having serious relationship issues and on top of that having a baby in the middle of those issues. You don't get married or make babies to fix a relationship. ***** They had huge problems and his solution was to propose to her and to have a child. He had huge problems with you and his solution was to propose to you. SEE a similarity here? How do you know they had serious relationship issues before marriage? I have never said anything like this... That's only your speculation - on that you create an opinion? On your (not true) suspicions? Their issues started when she was pregnant.You are completely wrong about it, where did it come from, I haven't mentioned anything like this.
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Ok thank you for explaining your "friendship" kckc, this is what I was suspecting. I think I understand why he left his ex right after they had a baby. Good luck with whatever you decided to do. It has been already told - he hasn't left his wife, it was their shared decision. And I've started working with him after their separation.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 What do you mean by procedure a divorce? They are not divorced yet, it's just their agreement for a divorce. Sorry what I meant by that was he produces "divorce papers" so he produces a divorce over night meaning getting the ball rolling to get the divorce. Those papers in the envelope were divorce papers correct?
Redhead14 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 What do you mean by procedure a divorce? They are not divorced yet, it's just their agreement for a divorce. We have been working at the same department, we've done a few big projects together, we share similar sense of humour so we started talking more and more. There was always interest between us, he became one of the closest friends I had. We talked about pretty much everything, about life, issues, our past relationships, work, everything. I remember I told him I'd never date a married man or who's in not in a stable situation because one day he asked me what would I do if a still married man with baby asked me out, I said I have nothing to the baby but my answer would be a no. I didn't know he's talking about himself. On the begining we didn't take our friendship outside the office, but then I remember I called him once when I was sick to "come and make me dinner", as friends, nothing else. But that was the time when I've started looking at him diferently, I've started to be more flirty and I became strongly attracted to him. One evening we stayed together longer at work and he just kissed me. Then he apologized, but I said that I liked it. When we later talked about it and our friendship he said he always liked me but wasn't sure if I wanted more. He said he saw me when I came for an unterview and had a very strange feeling about me, like he knew we'll get involved. And he said I was extremely nervous and shy. When it was my first day he was absent, but when he came the second day, he was one of those people that tried to help. However, we didn't really talk for the first few days. one day he asked me what would I do if a still married man with baby asked me out, I said I have nothing to the baby but my answer would be a no. I didn't know he's talking about himself. /\ This right here is what I was alluding to in an earlier post -- he knew exactly what her boundaries were and he intentionally side-stepped them. As I said in that earlier post -- he robbed her of her ability to make an informed and conscious decision to date him. That is unacceptable. He wasn't just "afraid" of what her reaction would be, he knew exactly what her reaction would be. It's not like he had no idea where she was on that kind of thing. I am glad she did not accept his proposal. A proposal was over the top and as, Gaeta, said manipulating the situation. It would have been enough to show her the signed divorce papers in order to at least reset the scenario. As far as I am concerned, they are at square one in terms of dating . . . he has a lot "proving" to do. 3
Author kckc Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Good for them, but where do you actually fit in here? When the going gets tough the tough get going, and a man walking away from a one year marriage when his first born child is just 4 months old is a huge worry for you. Babies put a huge strain on a relationship and IF what you say is true that they really were so much in love, then with a bit of maturity behind them, then perhaps they will be able to make this work for the sake of their child if nothing else. That is the risk you take here, you are the fourth wheel. Your bf, his wife and their first born child are the "unit", so where does that really leave you? Yes, he can get a divorce, but he has had really no time to be a free man and to find himself. He has jumped straight from her to you and that is why you are probably the rebound. Rebound relationships are wonderful, you feel so cared for and loved as the hurt person has slotted you into the place their beloved used to be. YOU get comfortable very quickly, it seems so serious, so real, so intense, so right. BUT it only feels like that because he is treating you like a person he deeply loves, not like a person he just met. Once he wakes up to realise you are not really his wife, he will most likely dump you or start treating you bad as you are not the person he truly wants, and that leaves you devastated and heartbroken. I hope this does work out well for you, but the "lie", tends to make me think it probably won't and that you are in fact the rebound. Naaah, this is going waaaaaaay too far now.
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