My boyfriend is married!!! Just found out... :(

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ask him to get a certified copy of the divorce petition and put it in your hands.

 

Then, don't see him again until he does. You should have your answer in about 2 weeks.

 

2-weeks?! Wow, where are you!? My divorce involved NO assets, children, etc. and it still took months. This guy has a baby!

 

OP, as others have said, you should go NC contact until the proceedings are completed. Getting the process started is no guarantee that he will end it. Now that he has a baby that he (and she) irresponsbily brought into this world and bailed on (?), he may change his mind when talk of child support come to play.

[kckc]

kckc: I know it sounds like a huge negative news but you need to calm down. It's not the end of the world. When he met you if he had explained his divorced was not final but he was starting procedure with the fact he had been separated for a year, I doubt you would not have dated him.

 

You have been dating for 8 months I think it's a bit rushed to be crying over you cannot get married with him. It's not like the Church is already reserved for you 2 right?

 

That being said my problem with this man is that he abandoned a wife and a new born baby of 4 months. That would be much harder for me to over look but if it's not an issue for you I am not going to insist.

 

To me if all appears they are over each other the divorce is a technicality.

 

Yes he lied. That part is bad but not unforgivable depending on the relationship you've had so far and the transparency you have had over other aspects.

 

We all make mistakes and it depends why these mistakes were made. I doubt he wanted to mislead you or wanted to use you with his lie. I believe he was worried of your reaction. It does not justify lying but I don't think he deserves his head cut off for it.

 

It makes sense. And thank you for this post.

I say we're together since April but we've been very close since May last year, we were a very good friends before we officially committed our relationship. It's like almost 2 years we've known each other, that's why I treat him seriously. Maybe it's stupid but deep down I know he's the one, that's why that thought about possible married has crossed my mind which doesn't mean I want him to marry me asap, no. But there is that possibility.

 

Why he left his wife... They have had issues, I mean you can't blame someone if the love disappears. They've tried to work on their marriage, went MC, nothing changed. He wanted to get divorced but someone adviced him to get separated first and he agreed. It's not like he just left her for no reason. He's got his daughter as often as he wants, sometimes the entire week or two, he cares about the baby, he's a very good father but his and his wife's love just ended.

 

Yes, he was worried of my reaction, that's for sure, but how long would he keep it as a secret? I tend to overreact and take stuff personally, but it shouldn't stop him. I know there are much worse things than those, I do love him and I want to be with him, however I wish he'd learn from it. I can't just say "oh it's fine, you lied to me for more than a year and I don't care". But I hear you and I think your reply is an eye opener. I still want to see these papers signed, though.

[kckc]

I've noticed many mistakes in my posts, I apologize - I'm just tired.

[Redhead14]

It makes sense. And thank you for this post.

I say we're together since April but we've been very close since May last year, we were a very good friends before we officially committed our relationship. It's like almost 2 years we've known each other, that's why I treat him seriously. Maybe it's stupid but deep down I know he's the one, that's why that thought about possible married has crossed my mind which doesn't mean I want him to marry me asap, no. But there is that possibility.

 

Why he left his wife... They have had issues, I mean you can't blame someone if the love disappears. They've tried to work on their marriage, went MC, nothing changed. He wanted to get divorced but someone adviced him to get separated first and he agreed. It's not like he just left her for no reason. He's got his daughter as often as he wants, sometimes the entire week or two, he cares about the baby, he's a very good father but his and his wife's love just ended.

 

Yes, he was worried of my reaction, that's for sure, but how long would he keep it as a secret? I tend to overreact and take stuff personally, but it shouldn't stop him. I know there are much worse things than those, I do love him and I want to be with him, however I wish he'd learn from it. I can't just say "oh it's fine, you lied to me for more than a year and I don't care". But I hear you and I think your reply is an eye opener. I still want to see these papers signed, though.

 

but how long would he keep it as a secret? -- It had already been 2 years because that's how long you've been friends. That's a long time and there had to be some "texas two-stepping" going on in order to keep it hidden from you for so long. I find it interesting that the family also went along with keeping quiet. That kinda goes down the "conspiracy" road.

 

Being afraid of your reaction is one thing and being afraid of "getting caught" is another. I don't like that he was able to keep this charade going for so long and with help, apparently. And, it's very immature to keep things from other people because of being afraid of the reaction, that is avoidant behavior. What else will he be "afraid" to tell you in the future? -- "I ran up $20,000 in gambling debt, we are behind in paying our property taxes this year . . ." Someone who is so crafty at hiding something like this isn't worthy of my trust, that's for sure.

[Gaeta]

but how long would he keep it as a secret? -- It had already been 2 years because that's how long you've been friends. That's a long time and there had to be some "texas two-stepping" going on in order to keep it hidden from you for so long. I find it interesting that the family also went along with keeping quiet. That kinda goes down the "conspiracy" road.

 

Being afraid of your reaction is one thing and being afraid of "getting caught" is another. I don't like that he was able to keep this charade going for so long and with help, apparently. And, it's very immature to keep things from other people because of being afraid of the reaction, that is avoidant behavior. What else will he be "afraid" to tell you in the future? -- "I ran up $20,000 in gambling debt, we are behind in paying our property taxes this year . . ." Someone who is so crafty at hiding something like this isn't worthy of my trust, that's for sure.

 

There was no conspiracy. It was not the family business to inform her of her BF status. We don't know maybe in the back they were encouraging him to tell her.

 

As for being afraid of telling something to her BF, it took me 1 full year to tell my BF I work for my ex. And no, I did not have any other secrets and the rest of me had been an open book to him.

 

Lets not blow this out of proportion with suggestions.

[Art_Critic]

He just told me that they were engaged and broke up.

 

Wow.. that isn't even the truth...it wasn't him just hiding it but lying to hide it... I wonder if back in April, May, June or whatever he was still trying to work it out with her...

 

I dated someone many years ago that never told me she was separated and still married too, it ruined everything...

With her she had been living in a different state for a couple of years so it wasn't like they were together but that meant for 6 months I was dating someone who I thought was single and available ans she wasn't.

We worked through it but honestly we broke up about 3 months later... the luster petered out after that big lie.

 

I hope you can work it out with him but honestly I would have to have total honesty about the timeline and his feelings back then for his STBEx and HER Feelings for him back then..

 

There needs to be total disclosure after a breech this bad...

[Art_Critic]

it took me 1 full year to tell my BF I work for my ex. And no, I did not have any other secrets and the rest of me had been an open book to him.

 

But did you lie about him to your BF?

[elaine567]

I get the worried about your reaction but you were friends for 2 long years and so this has to be considered a huge red flag.

What else is he, or will he be, " scared" to tell you.

He has a baby with this girl too so she will always be hanging around complicating stuff.

Do not be too caught up in a "love" story, try to keep your feet on the ground. I don't remember "the one" being someone who forgets to tell you he is married for almost 2 years...

Guys who leave wives with babies, are IMO a "special breed" and now he has added long term lying to his list...

Be very careful, tread warily.

[Gaeta]

But did you lie about him to your BF?

 

He never asked me directly: Are your working for your ex (who ask that anyway) but I speak about my work to him every day, I had 1000 opportunities to tell him but I was afraid. I mean just read on here how people are frantic about ex still being in the picture.

[Gaeta]

Guys who leave wives with babies, are IMO a "special breed" .

 

That would bother me a great deal if I was considering marrying this man.

[Art_Critic]

He never asked me directly: Are your working for your ex (who ask that anyway) but I speak about my work to him every day, I had 1000 opportunities to tell him but I was afraid. I mean just read on here how people are frantic about ex still being in the picture.

 

I don't think his ex is still in the picture.. well as the Mother of his child she is and as someone he will be paying child support to but the issue I have isn't the coverup as much as the lying to coverup...

 

He told her he WASN'T married to his baby's Mom, only engaged..

That lie is pretty big IMO...

 

While he might not be lying about anything else it begs the question on what he might lie about in the future..

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[Ruby Slippers]

He apologized that he kept it quiet for so long, but was just scared I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew.

So now you know this is a guy who will keep you in the dark for his benefit and your detriment. If he can do it now, he can do it anytime, on any matter. It's a reflection of his character. Doesn't bode well.

 

Personally, I'd rather be alone than be with a liar and a coward.

[Sunkissedpatio]

He disappointed my trust, it just came as a bolt from the blue, popped up out of nowhere... I'm overwhelmed. The fact that he hid it is the worst. It will affect our future, we can't be even legally married now as he already is married. This fact changed everything... Maybe I need more time, we are a good couple, never argue, have so much in common, met our families... I have a very special bond with his mom... I might just go and talk to her actually. I think I need it.

 

I can imagine, and totally empathize with you. You must feel so confused and frustrated and paralyzed on what to do. I totally get it.

 

It's really alarming and shocking to what extent he has gone to keep his lie. . The fact that he could meet your parents face-to-face, let you meet his family and still go through with hiding this major piece of information from you is almost sociopathic.

 

Definitely take some time to digest this. I wouldn't decide anything in the state you are. Take your time to really process this newfound information, once your trust is broken on this level it just destroys the purity of the relationship you embark on. I mean people are going to disappoint as they reveal more about themselves but the fact that he started off with a lie this big really begs the question, what will he do when you he really has your trust?

 

I'm so sorry. I can just imagine how disappointing this must be.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I don't think his ex is still in the picture.. well as the Mother of his child she is and as someone he will be paying child support to but the issue I have isn't the coverup as much as the lying to coverup...

 

He told her he WASN'T married to his baby's Mom, only engaged..

That lie is pretty big IMO...

 

While he might not be lying about anything else it begs the question on what he might lie about in the future..

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

Agreed! It's so not about the ex being in the picture or not. It's about the level of lie that he told. It's a big one.

[winny]

I don't think you should break up or take any drastic step at this point. Give it some time till your emotions settle down. But tell him clearly that until and unless you see his divorce papers, you have to pull back. Work out a timeline by when he can share those papers with you. If he keeps his word then give the relationship a fresh start and make him work to win your love and trust again. Move super slow at this point.

[strawberryshortstack]

Yeah I did, I know the baby, we spend time together. He just told me that they were engaged and broke up. He never wanted to talk about his wife... Now I know why.

 

Then he didn't just not tell the whole truth, he outright lied to you. That, to me, is unforgivable.

[l8estnews]

I really don't know. For me, it's not just the signed papers or the divorce that you should be worrying about. It's his capacity to commit.

 

Think about this: If he was able to leave a relationship of 5 years, the mother of his child (he even married her!) how can you be so sure that he won't feel tired of you in the next years to come? How are you sure that you are the one for him? I bet the wife thought she was the one for him as well.

 

I am not beclouding your judgement, I just don't want you to be Pregnant Girl #2.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What is wrong with those guys! I am sorry you go through this... How did you feel about giving him a second chance? Do you regret it? Does he want to get back with his wife, too?

 

I have mixed feelings. My excitment and happiness about this relationship has gone way down. I have lots of doubts and I often question him about little details. I don't bottle anything in, I openly tell him that I am conflicted and ask him anything that comes to mind at any time of day. He has been good at responding at length, he even offered me access to his phone and e-mail (which I refused, the thought of going through his personal mail is exhausting plus he can delete anything anyway).

 

As for him wanting his ex back, he says that he is 100% sure that regardless of us working out he will never get back with her. He said that he was miserable for many years, there was multiple cheating from her side, they tried MC many times. He regrets not leaving earlier.

 

In all honesty, I will give it a try but I am not sure if I am capable of working through this.

[kckc]

I really don't know. For me, it's not just the signed papers or the divorce that you should be worrying about. It's his capacity to commit.

 

Think about this: If he was able to leave a relationship of 5 years, the mother of his child (he even married her!) how can you be so sure that he won't feel tired of you in the next years to come? How are you sure that you are the one for him? I bet the wife thought she was the one for him as well.

 

I am not beclouding your judgement, I just don't want you to be Pregnant Girl #2.

 

This is something no one can ever know, even if the relationship is perfect, we don't know what future holds. When they got married, he thought the same thing that this marriage will last forever, I tried to explain why they decided to separate. His wife knew about me, she never contacted me to warn me or to leave him alone, she has no issue with me taking care of their baby, it means something. I don't know about her feelings, but I know he's out of the marriage for good. I mean, I have that feeling because we can't be so sure. Like I said, they only contact in case of the baby, I think she has someone, too. I don't want to make any quick decision, I really appreciate your point of view guys. Every person see it from a different perspective which helps me to do the same.

[kckc]

We are meeting today.

[Redhead14]

There was no conspiracy. It was not the family business to inform her of her BF status. We don't know maybe in the back they were encouraging him to tell her.

 

As for being afraid of telling something to her BF, it took me 1 full year to tell my BF I work for my ex. And no, I did not have any other secrets and the rest of me had been an open book to him.

 

Lets not blow this out of proportion with suggestions.

 

Your situation was entirely different. You aren't married to your ex, working with him and intentionally lying and covering it up. And, if I recall, you were concerned about having it "slip" out by family or friends. The fact that you came to him first, I'm sure, had an effect on the outcome. Her situation is not about a "little skeleton" in the closet that he just hadn't gotten around to addressing or hadn't come up yet.

 

I could give some slack if it had only been a few months and he decided to 'fess up. But, she overheard a conversation and she confronted him. He didn't just get up the courage with encouragement from family or friends to tell her. He got caught. He manipulated her to his own advantage. That's selfishness at it's finest. The divorce papers haven't even been filed yet!

 

If the OP came here and it had only been a couple of months or so, we would be telling her to tell him to get his world in order before dating her or anyone else.

 

He took away her right/ability to make an informed, insightful decision for herself about what she was up against from the get go. He dragged her to a point where she is so invested as to have to struggle with it and emotionally forced to deal with it. That's unfair, dishonest and manipulative.

[kckc]

Well, I spoke to his mum and I must say it was a very uplifting conversation. She was very, very upset but now I understand their reasoning a little more. She made it very clear that it was the hardest thing to keep as a secret. She felt terrible about it and she wanted him to tell me. She hopes I will forgive them, especially him because like she said "it was a huge mistake and he loves me". She held my hands and very warmly apologized. And she was the only person that actually knew about it, the rest of the family wasn't involved like I thought they were. So I'm meeting him soon, we'll see how it goes.

[Gaeta]

He took away her right/ability to make an informed, insightful decision for herself about what she was up against from the get go. He dragged her to a point where she is so invested as to have to struggle with it and emotionally forced to deal with it. That's unfair, dishonest and manipulative.

 

Meh...I don't see it as dramatic, I must be more laid-back than most on here.

 

Don't get me wrong I do not promote lies but in all of the lies he could have told her this one isn't on top of my list of 'I am so horrified'.

 

I can think of 10 different lies that REALLY took away your right and ability to make an informed decision like hiding you have an STD or hiding you have a chronic illness that will cripple you eventually. Those lies aren't reversible so yes the truth will impact your life.

 

The fact some guy has not started his divorce procedure after 1 year separation is reversible and fixable and does not ask of OP to make any type of life changing decision. He did not take away anything.

[Gaeta]

Well, I spoke to his mum and I must say it was a very uplifting conversation. She was very, very upset but now I understand their reasoning a little more. She made it very clear that it was the hardest thing to keep as a secret. She felt terrible about it and she wanted him to tell me. She hopes I will forgive them, especially him because like she said "it was a huge mistake and he loves me". She held my hands and very warmly apologized. And she was the only person that actually knew about it, the rest of the family wasn't involved like I thought they were. So I'm meeting him soon, we'll see how it goes.

 

I am glad you got more clarity.

 

Remember he needs to gain your trust back. The lying is not acceptable. You don't build a long term relationships on lies even the embarrassing ones. He already abandoned a wife of 5 years with a newborn of 4 months. This is not a man you should envision a future with yet.

[Popsicle]

Go check out the other woman forum. They all thought they were different or special.

 

The MM over there cry and whine and apologize and promise all sorts of stuff to the other woman too. There is no reason why this great love that they have for you or between the two of you can't wait until the divorce is FINALIZED.

 

And I learned from my ex-BF that sometimes their mom will do anything to get you to be with their son. Which is weird and suspicious to me. Not to mention, that he could be lying to his mom about his feelings about his wife and telling his wife something totally different.