Would this bother you?

[usa1ah]

You need to back off unless you have proof of infidelity. The email didn't cross any lines I believe.

 

You said that your fiancé had a EA. What was the nature of it?

 

You will destroy the relationship if you keep falsely accusing.

 

Sorry you are feeling the way you are.

[VeveCakes]

Whatever to everyone about the snooping. If your gut is telling you something you're just supposed to sit on the side and ignore it for years while your partner cheats or acts inappropriately and disrespects you? YA right, in a marriage there shouldn't be any secrets and nothing to hide.

 

There are a million other things he could have said, like yes that photo is a good choice and ignored her foot entirely. The winky face IS flirting. Don't kid yourselves.

[merrmeade]

... and a million other things he could have said to YOU such as, "I'm not sure I see your point, but sorry you're uncomfortable and I'll try to respect that." Etc.

 

You really must read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Then have him read it. If you need it spelled out - why you have this gut feeling - this is the book. Harmless banter, joking between men and women IS first-rung flirting. It can and does escalate. Married or engaged people don't go there.

 

My daughter opened that window of awareness for my husband. He complimented a waitress on her earrings, and my daughter said, "Ew, how embarrassing! Don't you know not to comment on a woman's personal appearance?" It may not be 'joking' but it's like the 'footprint in the sand.'

 

But anyway you said it. It's out there. He can't ignore it or forget. I promise it WILL make him more careful. The problem is that he's such a jackass to talk to and bullies you. Not good.

[PrincessWarrior1]

This whole discussion is making me thankful that I'm 2 months actually a little more post contact w an abuser/narc.

 

Once you forgive someone for cheating you have to worry about it 5 6 7 times and cheaters don't usually change their stripes unless they are completely healed from the underlying causes.

 

It's hard to walk away when you love someone. And no one can make u do it but you when you are ready.

 

Now being engaged to someone? I'll just get out of the discussion bc my situation is different. I "married" losers. smh My first husband still calls and tells me he misses me, loves me, and is lonely. I cringe everytime he calls. Yeah dude now that your old, ugly, live with crackheads like urself. I can't stand him!!

 

The next time he calls dude might just get a piece of my mind and hung up on. I'm tired of being nice. Nice gets you walked on. Psycho gets u a little farther.. lol

 

Everything in moderation... nothing in excess...

Edited December 5, 2016 by PrincessWarrior1

[Jump Through Loops]

Everything in moderation... nothing in excess...

 

Be careful with your winking. Some here will believe you're flirting.

[vanhalenfan]

Be careful with your winking. Some here will believe you're flirting.

 

LOL....Hey, now....

[Noirek]

Op have you read up on "gaslighting"?

[vanhalenfan]

Op have you read up on "gaslighting"?

 

I have, and have in the past as well. I do wonder if that's what I am experiencing...

[spanz1]

Picture of her foot?

 

 

Unless you know your fiance has a foot fetish, you are WAY over-reacting

[Jump Through Loops]

LOL....Hey, now....

 

What can I say...

 

Other than...

 

...you're just a tease with all your LOL'S.

 

 

Op have you read up on "gaslighting"?

 

I've actually tried this once. Not a nice experience. But hey, live and learn, eh?

[ShatteredLady]

To those who think she's overreacting....

 

Maybe she is BUT her intended life partner was having a romantic, shared secrets, "I love you" relationship with another woman!! She has ONLY had 3 months to process this!! She has every rite to overreact.

 

If you think it's only an affair if he had sex then I feel sorry for YOU. Most people who marry for LOVE & not sex, money, society are completely & utterly devastated to learn that their partner has shared EVERYTHING except sex with another woman.

 

He's already convinced her that she's crazy to think an EA matters. I say he's gaslighting. This has NOTHING to do with feet!! She should own her feelings. I know I'd be even more untrusting.

[KatieLaw]

Had my husband received such a message, I would have a fit. It's not okay. Would you send such a thing to another person's SO? Just no. Maybe a cat, dog, sure. A body part? That's for your chick friend. True story.

[Noirek]

Had my husband received such a message, I would have a fit. It's not okay. Would you send such a thing to another person's SO? Just no. Maybe a cat, dog, sure. A body part? That's for your chick friend. True story.

 

You obviously didn't read the post fully.

 

The picture was of her footprint in the sand. Not her actual foot.

It was for a website that the OP's husband is working on. The lady is his client.

The issue was with the flirty dialogue surrounding the foot.

[KatieLaw]

You are correct and I apologize. My H cheating on me a long time ago but I didn't find out about it until about a year ago. Still hurts.

[merrmeade]

You obviously didn't read the post fully.

 

The picture was of her footprint in the sand. Not her actual foot.

It was for a website that the OP's husband is working on. The lady is his client.

The issue was with the flirty dialogue surrounding the foot.

I agree with noirek but had to reread OP's first post to realize it was SHE who'd gotten oddly side-tracked by the foot conversation and made it seem more important than the weeks of flrty emails plus who knows what on the phone and even at work - not to mention his previous EA.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure who had the foot fetish but it was definitely a detour and, probably, excuse for him to dismiss all her issues and the bigger problem.

[merrmeade]

But hey, vf, just DON'T beat yourself up any more or take the blame. I wish you'd realize you don't need someone who is so un-self-aware and careless with your feelings. I'm sure you could do better.

[vanhalenfan]

This morning he was on the phone with her...business call...website issues, of course. So, I was there in the room with the baby. Suddenly, my fiance calls my name and asks if I was interested in subscribing to her blog and starting conversations and such in the comments section with her on random blog posts... to hopefully bring more readers. Her husband as well. Disguising as new readers. I'm said okay, sure. Then, she tells me and my fiance that we could use her condo down in Florida anytime we want to, bring the kids, everything, when we need to get away. All sweet as pie. All of that kind of threw me. WTH??

[katielee]

This morning he was on the phone with her...business call...website issues, of course. So, I was there in the room with the baby. Suddenly, my fiance calls my name and asks if I was interested in subscribing to her blog and starting conversations and such in the comments section with her on random blog posts... to hopefully bring more readers. Her husband as well. Disguising as new readers. I'm said okay, sure. Then, she tells me and my fiance that we could use her condo down in Florida anytime we want to, bring the kids, everything, when we need to get away. All sweet as pie. All of that kind of threw me. WTH??

 

This all just seems WAY too familiar.

[Jump Through Loops]

She has every rite to overreact.

 

Any overreaction by its own definition is an unjustifiable emotional reaction. In which case, I guess what you're saying is that the OP has an unjustifiable “right” to over react.

 

 

Hmm, interesting

[vanhalenfan]

This all just seems WAY too familiar.

 

What do you mean? I haven't posted on this topic before. (at least about this woman)

[LargoLagg]

Jealousy is ugly & making someone pay for another's cheating is ugly...most people won't tolerate it for very long...don't be worried about her, be worried that he may leave you bc of you, not bc of someone else. Put your effort into healing yourself, not emojis of winks being sent...good luck

That's what I was going to say! Spot on! That said, he seems to have the propensity to flirt, so it might be this is the camel sticking his nose in the tent. Edited December 6, 2016 by LargoLagg

[LargoLagg]

To those who think she's overreacting....

 

Maybe she is BUT her intended life partner was having a romantic, shared secrets, "I love you" relationship with another woman!! She has ONLY had 3 months to process this!! She has every rite to overreact.

 

If you think it's only an affair if he had sex then I feel sorry for YOU. Most people who marry for LOVE & not sex, money, society are completely & utterly devastated to learn that their partner has shared EVERYTHING except sex with another woman.

 

He's already convinced her that she's crazy to think an EA matters. I say he's gaslighting. This has NOTHING to do with feet!! She should own her feelings. I know I'd be even more untrusting.

Aha! I hadn't gotten that far. I can understand wanting to repair a marriage (well, not empathetically, but I concede that this impulse can exist for sound reasons) but I find it even more difficult to understand why an unmarried couple would pursue marriage if either of the people had recently been involved in an EA.

 

Initially, she said she'd been "cheated on in the past." Big difference.

[LivingWaterPlease]

This all just seems WAY too familiar.

 

What do you mean? I haven't posted on this topic before. (at least about this woman)

 

I believe katielee means that it seems the woman is being too familiar (acting as if they have too close a relationship) with your fiance.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, katielee.

[katielee]

I believe katielee means that it seems the woman is being too familiar (acting as if they have too close a relationship) with your fiance.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, katielee.

 

Yes, this is what I mean. Inviting someone to stay at your house, as a business person, is overly familiar, IMO.

[vanhalenfan]

Well, he's been friends with both her and her husband for years before really getting into business. Her husband invited us to the condo as well a few times over the years...just never got to going. They all became friends at first when the husband moved into the townhouse next door (she wanted a divorce because of his issues with alcohol). My fiance and him would first play tennis at the courts in the complex, talk all the time, then got into business together. Then, a year later, she takes him back into the household a town over (she attends/attended Al-Anon meetings and decided to take him back under the same roof again). They are remaining married for financial reasons (I believe that is the reason) but they are still close/friendly. They do respect each other, but they are not intimate or anything anymore...That's what her husband told my fiance. Her husband introduced them in 2012, so he could set up her website. Now, she has the website going, the blog, and they are planning some other business venture - both her husband and herself - and they are getting my fiance involved.

 

So it's not like a client suddenly inviting us all to her condo on the flip of a dime...It's a long time friendship. I am just surprised because I was thinking with the flirting and all...why would I be mentioned to help her blog or be invited with the kids to the condo. Just weird.

Edited December 6, 2016 by vanhalenfan