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Everything is messed up, now he just ignores me

bluebirds000

By bluebirds000
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bluebirds000 Member

bluebirds000

Posted
Posted

Hi LS, thank you for reading and for all your helpful advice in the past.

 

Things are awful. I have (had) a really good guy friend. We hung out regularly, have mutual friends and I'm even very close with his sister; I meet up with her weekly.

 

There has been a mutual attraction there and we have fooled around in the past (kissing etc) but everything has been fine afterwards. He has a pretty provocative past (sleeping with multiple women) but I guess I didn't think it mattered as we seemed to be firm friends. We could talk for hours and seemed to understand each other well, it seemed to be a close relationship.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago we let things go too far and we slept together. It was very awkward despite our fizzling sexual tension outside the bedroom. Afterwards I felt horrible, as though I had just fallen down the rabbit hole like so many of these other women before me. I felt sick and had to get my things and leave immediately. I tried to play it cool but I couldn't and I just bolted.

 

The morning afterwards he text me to say sorry for the awkwardness. We kept up this "try to be normal" texting for a few days but eventually that petered out. Now we don't communicate. When he sees me he is frosty as the Arctic.

 

The breaking point was last night. I was with a (mutual) friend in a pub and we saw him. He avoided me completely. When I went to the bar to order drinks he went and sat with my friend talking then disappeared before I returned. He couldn't even look at me. Previously he has been the one to search out eye contact whenever possible. He said a cheery goodbye to this friend at the end of the night then just walked off without a glance in my direction.

 

I was so upset. I thought i would try to be the bigger person and sent him a message saying I wanted our friendship back and got a half hearted reply: "good idea".

 

Do I just leave it now? I've tried to normalise things by seeing him but I feel like crap. I feel like I've been used and lost a friend in the process. I have no idea what he is thinking. Can he just not stand to look at me because he can't cope with remembering? It almost seems like he wants me to feel this hurt.

 

It doesn't help that I have been going through some personal struggles lately too.

 

What should I do LS?

 

TL;DR: me [28F] and him [34M] messed up by overstepping the bounds of our friendship. Now he ignores me. What to do?

Sara1989 Established Member

Sara1989

Posted
Posted

Is he upset you just bolted after you slept together? I just wonder?

  • Like 3
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted

Honestly, I would cut him out of your life for good. You have seen his true character through his actions. He is not a good friend. He is treating you like one of his one night stands, with borderline contempt so you don't get any ideas about you being a couple. He is a player. That is the type of guy he is and that is the way he treats women.

 

I know this doesn't make it any less hurtful now, but in the long run you will be better off without this guy in your life. He isn't worth the time or effort.

MarkIVSteel Established Member

MarkIVSteel

Posted
Posted

What do you expect?

 

You bolted on him immediately after sex then tried to friend zone him then began to ignore him.

 

Of course, he'll ignore you as well.

 

You said you were disgusted by him yet you still want to remain "friends" with him. ???

  • Like 4
Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
Afterwards I felt horrible, as though I had just fallen down the rabbit hole like so many of these other women before me. I felt sick and had to get my things and leave immediately. I tried to play it cool but I couldn't and I just bolted.
Have you ever had a guy do this to you immediately after sex? If so, how did you feel?
Do I just leave it now?
Yes. I think you should both give each other time.
I feel like I've been used and lost a friend in the process.
I'm not seeing how you were used, so you'll have to explain this one to me.
  • Like 1
Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
Honestly' date=' I would cut him out of your life for good. You have seen his true character through his actions. He is not a good friend. He is treating you like one of his one night stands, with borderline contempt so you don't get any ideas about you being a couple. He is a player. That is the type of guy he is and that is the way he treats women.[/quote']The OP is the one who bolted out of there immediately after sex with a feeling of disgust, yet he is the "bad guy"? Personally, if a woman I just slept with ran out of bed feeling disgusted, I wouldn't exactly be on friendly terms with her either.
  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
What do you expect?

 

You bolted on him immediately after sex then tried to friend zone him then began to ignore him.

 

Of course, he'll ignore you as well.

 

You said you were disgusted by him yet you still want to remain "friends" with him. ???

 

I have to agree.

He probably felt dreadful.

First time sex can be awkward sometimes.

Not a great way to treat a friend is it?

Why on earth did you do that?

  • Like 3
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
The OP is the one who bolted out of there immediately after sex with a feeling of disgust, yet he is the "bad guy"? Personally, if a woman I just slept with ran out of bed feeling disgusted, I wouldn't exactly be on friendly terms with her either.

 

Especially someone who is supposed to be a friend that you have a history with.

  • Like 3
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted
The OP is the one who bolted out of there immediately after sex with a feeling of disgust, yet he is the "bad guy"? Personally, if a woman I just slept with ran out of bed feeling disgusted, I wouldn't exactly be on friendly terms with her either.

 

I understand that she was the one who left upset. I am basing my opinion on what she has previously said about him.

 

For example, being a bit of a player.

 

He is 35 and has only been in one two year relationship that endedicated 13 years ago. Since then he has been with lots of women but can't commit to anyone. Now I just feel like another discarded female to add to the scrapheap.

 

She has also suggested some commitment issues, and that he

would be incapable of a relationship (his words not mine).

 

If these statements are an accurate reflection of him, then his behavior towards her recently doesn't seem that surprising. It makes it very clear to her that he doesn't want it to mean more than it was, a once off. He knows the game, she doesn't.

 

Once he senses that she gets the point, he may want to be friendly again. I just don't think the friendship with this guy is worth it. She will end up getting more hurt in the long run.

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted
I understand that she was the one who left upset. I am basing my opinion on what she has previously said about him.

 

For example, being a bit of a player.

 

 

 

She has also suggested some commitment issues, and that he

 

 

If these statements are an accurate reflection of him, then his behavior towards her recently doesn't seem that surprising. It makes it very clear to her that he doesn't want it to mean more than it was, a once off. He knows the game, she doesn't.

 

Once he senses that she gets the point, he may want to be friendly again. I just don't think the friendship with this guy is worth it. She will end up getting more hurt in the long run.

 

 

She says here he is 34, not 35. Is he the same person?

winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted

You guys are not friends. You were in a flirt-relationship and ended up sleeping with each other. Your ego got hurt because you thought you were better than his other sexual conquests because you had not slept with him till then and in turn by your behavior, his ego got hurt. There is no ego in friendship.

 

I think you should just let this one go and chill.

  • Like 1
OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

Posted
Posted

All of the OP's actions after the sex are due to her disgust for her own actions. Unlike the other women, she had the benefit of knowing his true nature, so to have still slept with him, has left her feeling even more foolish.

 

However, I don't see how she was used because they both decided to sleep with each other. Despite his past, she previously made out with him, fooled around and now slept with him. This loss of friendship is not what I would be focusing on at all. One should be asking themselves why they would sleep with someone they are so clearly disgusted by.

 

The boundaries of the friendship were never that of friends and they both completely crossed them. The OP is disappointed in herself and he may even be disappointed in her too.

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted

Here are a few possible ideas:

 

 

1. He was hurt you left so abruptly. The sex was more than physical and he felt deserted.

2. He was hurt because he interpreted your actions as "that disgusted me".

3. He is bad at dealing with conflict and prefers to avoid it (maybe that's why he avoids long term relationships, he doesn't like to put in the work).

 

 

It looks to me that he reached out to you initially. Can you give more details of your texting? Perhaps something was said inadvertently that poured salt in the wounds? I'm just shooting in the dark here.

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