bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Hi there, Looking for some wise words. Last night I slept with my best guy friend. We are (were?) so close and I feel foolish for letting this happen and jeopardising everything. I knew that he had wanted to for a while but I had always managed to convince myself it was a terrible idea. We have previously expressed romantic interest in each other and have kissed before several times. Last night we had a few drinks and it finally happened. I feel nauseous and empty inside. I feel like he could never look at me the same again and I gave part of myself away somehow. I have never had a one night stand before this. This has made me so unhappy. The friendship feels broken. He text me this morning to apologise (he could tell when I left his house yesterday that I was unhapppy). How do I move on from this? I should probably attempt to 'act cool' but my emotions are getting the better of me. Any advice/words of wisdom would be appreciated! TL;DR slept with my best friend and now my head is completely screwed up.
BaileyB Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Do you like each other enough that you would want to date? Do you think this relationship could ever be more than a friendship?
What-2-Do Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 This is not a one night stand. You clearly know this guy really well. The two of you clearly have sexual tension so why haven't you ever dated? Sometimes the best person for us is right in front of us and we don't even realize it. This is why men and women can't just be "friends." One of the "friends" always wants to be in a relationship with the other.
spiderowl Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Are you feeling bad because you think you did something wrong or demeaning? He may not see it the same way as you. Is he apologising because he sensed you were upset? He may not have known what upset you. He may have thought you didn't like him or felt he was bad in bed. It seems to me there could have been a lot of misunderstandings here. If you have been best friends for a while, then you must both care about each other. Don't let feelings of guilty over sexual behaviour spoil what you obviously had.
stillafool Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Just get together and talk, admit it was a mistake, stop all the kissing stuff and go back to being friends.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Just get together and talk, admit it was a mistake, stop all the kissing stuff and go back to being friends. Good luck with that. It will be VERY difficult to have what you had....BUT...why don't you two date? Why apologize for something you two have been moving towards? Kissing, romantic feelings...why not date? 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm thinking what SimpleNfit said. It will will awkward and different for a while. But before jumping to that, why all this regret and are you sure there is no chance you guys won't date? Has he said or done something already this morning to make you think this was a mistake (like he was acting weird afterward)? Or are you overthinking it and filled with regret because of that?
preraph Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 If you like him in a romantic way, then here is what you do: Tell him, "Well, now that we've slept together, the least you could do is take me on a proper date." 4
Shining One Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 If you like him in a romantic way, then here is what you do: Tell him, "Well, now that we've slept together, the least you could do is take me on a proper date."Personally, I'd avoid any "We had sex, now you owe me something" type messages. That's just me though. 1
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Thanks everyone, things can't go any further as he has problems with depression and would be incapable of a relationship (his words not mine). It's a crappy situation to be in!
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 So I have no idea of my next move really...we have been texting today, but it seems a bit stilted to me
seekingpeaceinlove Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 It doesn't have to affect your friendship UNLESS someone has caught some serious feelings. If there is an unrequited love thing going on here...the friendship is doomed. Or maybe...somehow..this opens up something beautiful for the two of you. If you both don't have romantic feelings for each other and realize this was a mistake..then act as such and have a laugh about it. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 It doesn't have to affect your friendship UNLESS someone has caught some serious feelings. If there is an unrequited love thing going on here...the friendship is doomed. Or maybe...somehow..this opens up something beautiful for the two of you. If you both don't have romantic feelings for each other and realize this was a mistake..then act as such and have a laugh about it. No way is this going to work for the OP, imho. She feels terrible about the encounter and will be reminded of this every time they get together as 'friends.' Either try to make this work as a romantic venture or likely never be the 'friends' you ever were. His claim not to be able to have a relationship b/c of his depression, was this after the sex? Or before? I feel this is a cop out. An excuse...I can't help think that his talk of romantic feelings for you was nothing more than a reuse. Did he ever confide in you the depth of his depression? What a response. Too depressed to have a romantic relationship, but not a very close, platonic one??? I get it, but has he ever behaved in a way that would lead you to believe he was TOO depressed to have a healthy relationship? 1
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 I agree...I am trying to reconcile my feelings about this but I just feel like I did something wrong and I can't repair it. He is 35 and has only been in one two year relationship that endedicated 13 years ago. Since then he has been with lots of women but can't commit to anyone. Now I just feel like another discarded female to add to the scrapheap. That feeling of worthlessness isn't helping. I think I thought I was different from that somehow?
Grumpybutfun Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 You both had a one night stand. Laugh about it and let it go. If you assign too much emotion to it, you are only going to make things worse. You both used each other for sex. It isn't some rom-com. Good luck, G 3
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Brutal but necessary, thank you!
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I forget that he is your best friend, so you must have known about his delibitating depression that keeps him from having long-term relationships, right? Well, you've known him to go from one woman to another. Is it that he can't or he doesn't want to, I wonder? You were another conquest for him. How did you become 'best' friends with a guy like this? Again, did you know of this 'depression?'
preraph Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Personally, I'd avoid any "We had sex, now you owe me something" type messages. That's just me though. Well, goes to show writing is not the best way to convey something. She needs to call and in a good humored way tell him that, as a way of lightening the mood AND letting him know she is interested in dating him.
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Yes I have known about the depression from the beginning. Is this a friendship to give up on do you think??
Emilia Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Yes I have known about the depression from the beginning. Is this a friendship to give up on do you think?? Well I'm not being funny but what sort of friendship was this exactly? Do you kiss all your male friends? Sounds to me like the two of you used to hang out, him mostly to get into your knickers. For the future: it's best to be only friends with men where it's completely and irrefutably platonic. Otherwise either see whether it goes somewhere (dating) or cut contact and move on. This half-way house is fake and doesn't work. 2
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Thank you for the advice!
Emilia Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Thank you for the advice! Oh and never ever knowingly date depressives.
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Haha, you're right....I think that should have been my first reday flag!! 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Now I just feel like another discarded female to add to the scrapheap. That feeling of worthlessness isn't helping. I think I thought I was different from that somehow? You're going about it the wrong way, your worth is not dependant on what a man sees in you. His inability to be with a woman beyond friendship or beyond a sexual hook-up isn't a reflection on your value. It's a reflection on his issues. And even if he had normal rationships and no depression sometimes people miscalculate that platonic attraction for chemistry. It happens!! Stop beating yourself up for it. Did you enjoy the sex at least? It's hard losing a friendship over something like this, I totally get where you're coming from on that front. Let this settle for a bit and you'll be able to pick up the friendship again once the awkwardness passes. 2
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