Sad situation.....

[drifter777]

It seems that more often than not, if a wife has an affair, the husband divorces his wife if he hasn't had an affair himself (common that both spouses have affairs in problem marriages) but if the husband has an affair most women forgive and decide to work on their marriage and even report that once reconciliation is final, their marriage is even better than before their husband strayed.

 

Percentage wise this is true but not by as wide a margin as you might think. Lotz of men stay and hope they can work things out.

 

Sexual infidelity is generally much more of an issue for men than for women. For these men the emotional component of it doesn't matter much in comparison. Even if they reconcile with their cheating wife initially the damage to the relationship is irreparable. The BH never truly forgives and can begin to feel contempt for her - leading to divorce or living unhappily ever after. When the sex is not all that important to him then reconciliation has a chance to be successful.

 

Bottom line is that men & women process infidelity very differently.

[drifter777]

Then I guess reconciliation for me is not final then. My marriage is not better than before he strayed.

 

Maybe it is "better" after reconciliation for some but I think they are as rare as unicorns.

[Binster]

you sound like a guy I read about another forum (TTA) if your the same guy thanks for the update. I wondered how things worked out for you. I always thought you acted in the right way and hope things work out for you.

 

 

 

 

All the best mate

[tinkerbell16]

One of the reasons why I find myself posting here.... IDK.

I am dating this woman that knows very well my situation. We are just both leaning on ourselves without expectations-

I told her that I dont feel that special spark between us and she is ok with it, cause for now we just need to fill an empty space that we both have

 

I was married over 25 years when I discovered my ex husbands affair. Divorced him quickly. He was remorseful... but it was a deal breakER for me.

 

The lack of "spark" you feel with your new lady may not be related to her as much as once we are cheated on we are aware of the pain others can cause us... it almost prevents us from opening up completely and leading with blind trust to another ie lack of spark.

 

I have no regrets. He has a ton. For me I was not able to respect him again so I knew divorce was my only option.

 

I would rather be alone than with someone I cannot respect.

 

She is still being selfish by texting you and showing you signs of regret. It is preventing you from moving on completely.

 

Ask her to stop. She started the mess she needs to deal with the consequences.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tinkerbelle, while I respect your point of view and your decision to divorce, I don't agree that what you did will work for everyone. Some people may have boundaries lower than yours and for them reconciliation may be what they want. Sometimes history and an underlying deep love for their partner overrides the disgust and disdain and destruction of trust that they naturally feel for their spouses. If the marriage was solid till just before the infidelity and the period of infidelity itself was not very prolonged I guess some people can overlook the obvious disrespect and disloyalty and try reconciliation. It also depends to a very large extent on the degree of true remorse the WS has for hurting their BS. I guess it takes all kinds to make this world.

[Jersey born raised]

You should read DKT3 threads and his wife's LuvDKT3. An amazing story. They remarried several years after they divorced.

 

The thing is DKT3 looked deep into himself, changed ad grew. He owed his issues. You might think your ex-wife was just a foolish woman but there might have been issues. UNDERSTAND adultery is the action of a stupid person and is their mistake, their act of evil not the betrayed spouse.

 

Still you should read.

[merrmeade]

Percentage wise this is true but not by as wide a margin as you might think. Lotz of men stay and hope they can work things out.

 

Sexual infidelity is generally much more of an issue for men than for women. For these men the emotional component of it doesn't matter much in comparison. Even if they reconcile with their cheating wife initially the damage to the relationship is irreparable. The BH never truly forgives and can begin to feel contempt for her - leading to divorce or living unhappily ever after. When the sex is not all that important to him then reconciliation has a chance to be successful.

 

Bottom line is that men & women process infidelity very differently.

You can't both be right. You give no sources. Sweep, sweep, sweep everybody into those generalizations. Not me.

[Giacomo67]

Pisano, for many of us infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. You dealt with her infidelity by firing her as your wife. You have balanced the fact that she had sex with another man by dating another woman. The difference here is that her sex happened while she was married to you and yours happened after you terminated your marriage to her, big difference. Nothing says you can't remarry her but if you do take the proper precautions. She gets herself individual counselling to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat on you, you need to feel safe because you already know that she is more then willing to cheat on you if she thinks she can get away with it. A strong prenuptial agreement that gives you the majority of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity(if she won't honour her word to you maybe she will honour a financial consequence). Transparency, she needs to give you all of her passwords, no more secrets. Don't rush it, live together with a legal agreement regarding who gets what before you do.

 

 

Hi... I'm not from Pisa, or maybe you wanted to say "paesano"?

 

Anyway, IC is not vary common here in Italy, unless there is something serious such as health or law inforcement. But she has really tryed hard to prove to me how much she is remorsful, even exagerating. I dont think i will be able to ever remarry her again... but i dont exclude to cohabit as partners with no legal obbligation. She wants to try this...

But I'm not giving her hopes. If I ever do this I need to be sure for my kids well mind being. Cant afford to illude them the moment I want out...

[Giacomo67]

Not saying you should, have to, must, get back together. Just that if eventually someday you feel it is possible means that there is nothing wrong with exploring that option.

 

 

I agree. Even just dating might help.

[Giacomo67]

you sound like a guy I read about another forum (TTA) if your the same guy thanks for the update. I wondered how things worked out for you. I always thought you acted in the right way and hope things work out for you.

 

 

 

 

All the best mate

 

 

Hi Binster, but no... its not me. I dont even know what TTA is

but thanks for the best wishes

[fenix]

Congratulations, you are a good example. Many people chose to reconcile because they are afraid of the economical consequences of a divorce, or because they are afraid to be alone, or even because they have kids and think the only way to love their kids is to stay in a ill relationship.

You have chosen your self worth and integrity and that is a great lesson for your children and all of us!

 

You can only live once, and you choose to live yours with the head held high! :bunny:

[Gr8fuln2020]

I was married over 25 years when I discovered my ex husbands affair. Divorced him quickly. He was remorseful... but it was a deal breakER for me.

 

The lack of "spark" you feel with your new lady may not be related to her as much as once we are cheated on we are aware of the pain others can cause us... it almost prevents us from opening up completely and leading with blind trust to another ie lack of spark.

 

I have no regrets. He has a ton. For me I was not able to respect him again so I knew divorce was my only option.

 

I would rather be alone than with someone I cannot respect.

 

She is still being selfish by texting you and showing you signs of regret. It is preventing you from moving on completely.

 

Ask her to stop. She started the mess she needs to deal with the consequences.

 

Nicely, but bluntly put. When you lose RESPECT for your partner, it is over.

 

Hi Tinkerbelle, while I respect your point of view and your decision to divorce, I don't agree that what you did will work for everyone. Some people may have boundaries lower than yours and for them reconciliation may be what they want. Sometimes history and an underlying deep love for their partner overrides the disgust and disdain and destruction of trust that they naturally feel for their spouses. If the marriage was solid till just before the infidelity and the period of infidelity itself was not very prolonged I guess some people can overlook the obvious disrespect and disloyalty and try reconciliation. It also depends to a very large extent on the degree of true remorse the WS has for hurting their BS. I guess it takes all kinds to make this world.

 

I think that Tinkerbelle is onto something. Part of me feels that the reason why 'il mio paisano', the OP is feeling a yearning to get back is two fold:

 

1. ex-Wife's inability to move on thus her continued communication

2. His inability to move on b/c after all that time with his ex he simply is not certain how to rekindle the 'former' same relationship he once had

 

I also find your comment on the timing of the infidelity interesting. If the relationship was fine BEFORE the infidelity and it didn't last long, the some people are likely to consider reconciliation...well, my question would be, if things were fine before the affair, why did she have one in the first place? If, in fact, she was trying to fill a void, then this void was not something that suddenly materialized. If no void, then her affair was selfish, pernicious in nature.

 

Affair would be a deal-breaker for me. I commend the OP for divorcing his wife, but keeping close to his children.

[road]

I was married over 25 years when I discovered my ex husbands affair. Divorced him quickly. He was remorseful... but it was a deal breakER for me.

 

The lack of "spark" you feel with your new lady may not be related to her as much as once we are cheated on we are aware of the pain others can cause us... it almost prevents us from opening up completely and leading with blind trust to another ie lack of spark.

 

I have no regrets. He has a ton. For me I was not able to respect him again so I knew divorce was my only option.

 

I would rather be alone than with someone I cannot respect.

 

She is still being selfish by texting you and showing you signs of regret. It is preventing you from moving on completely.

 

Ask her to stop. She started the mess she needs to deal with the consequences.

 

Because you did not want to recover that does not make it the right decision for others.

[tinkerbell16]

Hi Tinkerbelle, while I respect your point of view and your decision to divorce, I don't agree that what you did will work for everyone. Some people may have boundaries lower than yours and for them reconciliation may be what they want. Sometimes history and an underlying deep love for their partner overrides the disgust and disdain and destruction of trust that they naturally feel for their spouses. If the marriage was solid till just before the infidelity and the period of infidelity itself was not very prolonged I guess some people can overlook the obvious disrespect and disloyalty and try reconciliation. It also depends to a very large extent on the degree of true remorse the WS has for hurting their BS. I guess it takes all kinds to make this world.

 

You are correct... not everyone wants divorce. I certainly don't condone or recommend it... I was just offering my pov/experience.

In time the right answers (for Drone) will come.

It's a horrible decision to be faced with and each handle it differently.

Edited December 6, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[tinkerbell16]

Because you did not want to recover that does not make it the right decision for others.

 

Never said it was....just sharing my experience as op was asking if any had rerets.

 

I don't condone divorce. It was an extraordinarily difficult decision I made based on the situation I was presented with.

 

He broke our vows. Several actually... it was a deal breaker, for me but may not be for others.

[Giacomo67]

Nicely, but bluntly put. When you lose RESPECT for your partner, it is over.

 

 

 

I think that Tinkerbelle is onto something. Part of me feels that the reason why 'il mio paisano', the OP is feeling a yearning to get back is two fold:

 

1. ex-Wife's inability to move on thus her continued communication

2. His inability to move on b/c after all that time with his ex he simply is not certain how to rekindle the 'former' same relationship he once had

 

I also find your comment on the timing of the infidelity interesting. If the relationship was fine BEFORE the infidelity and it didn't last long, the some people are likely to consider reconciliation...well, my question would be, if things were fine before the affair, why did she have one in the first place? If, in fact, she was trying to fill a void, then this void was not something that suddenly materialized. If no void, then her affair was selfish, pernicious in nature.

 

Affair would be a deal-breaker for me. I commend the OP for divorcing his wife, but keeping close to his children.

 

 

BINGO! Point 1 and point 2 is EXACTLY the situation. Thank you for that. Couldnt find the right words in english to descibe the situation beter.

 

We had a great marriege, sure... some ups and down, but nothing bad. In to most in 24 hours we were back to cuddle.

She said to me that the only reason she can find for the WHY, is because i was her only. Out of all our friend's, she was the only woman who never even made out with another male.

She let the curiosity (and lust?) get the best of her, thinking that she could have controlled the situation if it went out of hand.

She also never in a milion years thought of having sex as in penetration, but she did admit that she was ok to explore the rest..... I told her that basicly she was ok with oral and "manual", so that doesnt make it less bad.

[Giacomo67]

Never said it was....just sharing my experience as op was asking if any had rerets.

 

I don't condone divorce. It was an extraordinarily difficult decision I made based on the situation I was presented with.

 

He broke our vows. Several actually... it was a deal breaker, for me but may not be for others.

 

It was and is a dealbreaker for me also. Thats why i D.

 

But once you get to the point of mind serenity, and also a complete picture of a timeline and also enough time of your own to heal, even to worst things that anyone did to you will be seen differently

[tinkerbell16]

It was and is a dealbreaker for me also. Thats why i D.

 

But once you get to the point of mind serenity, and also a complete picture of a timeline and also enough time of your own to heal, even to worst things that anyone did to you will be seen differently

 

Interesting my ex cheated early in out marriage claiming the same... he had never been with another woman. I forgave him... then 25 years later boom. Again.

Now I have discovered multiple lies, affairs. All while he was a "model perfect" husband and family man.

 

And I am a smart and savvy woman.

 

In his case he was a narcissistic master manipulator and liar. I was deceived.

 

Several years later... when I cut him and his remorsefull talk... his longing to meet with me... his notes of regret out of my life I am at peace. I am in love (but even if I wasn't I would still be better off). I am happier than ever.

 

I have carved a cancer from my life.

[Giacomo67]

Interesting my ex cheated early in out marriage claiming the same... he had never been with another woman. I forgave him... then 25 years later boom. Again.

Now I have discovered multiple lies, affairs. All while he was a "model perfect" husband and family man.

 

And I am a smart and savvy woman.

 

In his case he was a narcissistic master manipulator and liar. I was deceived.

 

Several years later... when I cut him and his remorsefull talk... his longing to meet with me... his notes of regret out of my life I am at peace. I am in love (but even if I wasn't I would still be better off). I am happier than ever.

 

I have carved a cancer from my life.

 

that is really bad! your story gives you every right to not consider anything that comes out of your ex's mouth! Move on and never look back fits perfectly in your case.

[Giacomo67]

Interesting my ex cheated early in out marriage claiming the same... he had never been with another woman. I forgave him... then 25 years later boom. Again.

Now I have discovered multiple lies, affairs. All while he was a "model perfect" husband and family man.

 

And I am a smart and savvy woman.

 

In his case he was a narcissistic master manipulator and liar. I was deceived.

 

Several years later... when I cut him and his remorsefull talk... his longing to meet with me... his notes of regret out of my life I am at peace. I am in love (but even if I wasn't I would still be better off). I am happier than ever.

 

I have carved a cancer from my life.

 

that is really bad! your story gives you every right to not consider anything that comes out of your ex's mouth! Move on and never look back fits perfectly in your case.

[tinkerbell16]

that is really bad! your story gives you every right to not consider anything that comes out of your ex's mouth! Move on and never look back fits perfectly in your case.

 

I find it funny he still tells me he loves me... when he is in a relationship with the OW. He is in effect still attempting to cheat... except it is on her now. Gotta love kharma.

 

Unless it is a one off incident (length of time is significant) cheaters do so to fill a hole (no pun intended), stroke ego, gain self esteem (albeit false) so unless they sort these issues out and heal the root issues they will continue the cycle.

 

My ex had abandonment issues from his childhood and was abused as a child. He would create drama and problems during our best times... why? He was repeating what was programmed in his childhood.

Being happy was actually uncomfortable for him...he had no idea how to be content with happy and calm.

 

He feared I would leave him so ultimately he "left" me first.

 

He pretty much told me this much...

 

Crazy crazy logic.

[Giacomo67]

I find it funny he still tells me he loves me... when he is in a relationship with the OW. He is in effect still attempting to cheat... except it is on her now. Gotta love kharma.

 

Unless it is a one off incident (length of time is significant) cheaters do so to fill a hole (no pun intended), stroke ego, gain self esteem (albeit false) so unless they sort these issues out and heal the root issues they will continue the cycle.

 

My ex had abandonment issues from his childhood and was abused as a child. He would create drama and problems during our best times... why? He was repeating what was programmed in his childhood.

Being happy was actually uncomfortable for him...he had no idea how to be content with happy and calm.

 

He feared I would leave him so ultimately he "left" me first.

 

He pretty much told me this much...

 

Crazy crazy logic.

 

yes, even if his past probably played a big rule, that is no justification for his actions.

my ex had the nerve to tell me that I had anticipated her for putting an end

on her affair cause she realized that the sex was delusional now that she practiced the difference! I was never supposed to find out and she could have pretend that nothing happened

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Could you re-wite your last post? Sorry to ask.

[drifter777]

For some men sex is just sex - sounds like you are one of those men. If that is the case and you are willing to look past the sex and try to reconcile you still need to know the whole truth. This "no penetration" thing is ridicules - she's a grown woman who was having sex with a grown man. If she admits to oral than she had intercourse. Unless you want to have this haunting you forever you need to get her to confess everything now. Since you are open to reconciliation she should be willing to put it all on the table. If not then her lie will become her truth over time and you will always wonder about the truth.

 

I envy you for the way you are able to look at this thing. Good luck.

[Giacomo67]

Hi,

 

Could you re-wite your last post? Sorry to ask.

 

Sure.... in a few words my ex told me that i caught her affair right before she was about to end it. Said that she was already remorsful, that now having experience sex with someone else then me made her realize how wrong she was....