Did I snuff out our spark in one blow?

[datingacheater29]

No. I seriously doubt this conversation made her do what she was already prone to doing--and that you knew about but chose to ignore. She's being the only thing she can be: herself. She can't be who you want for her to be if she doesn't want to be that person for herself.

 

 

 

or she may not really want or is equal to the obligations your love brings...

 

I mean we can speculate all day on her motives. She seems more as if she's incapable of/uninterested in the level of devotion you require.

 

You now know that you two cannot proceed and maintain happiness together. She ain't that one.

 

Which is interesting considering she wanted to move in with me next month. She always seemed extremely devoted and loyal. I guess that's just part of her manipulation to feel better and comforted. I think she suffers form some version of depression and chases whatever will comfort those feelings, even if it's temporary.

[datingacheater29]

Sigh, today I end it.

 

It's so sad, we had a good thing. She's an awesome girl. Never saw her capable of cheating.

 

But I mean, no spark, and now she's into someone else. It sounds like she's about to end it if I don't. We were always passionate and loving together, wonder where that went wrong.

[Sweetfish]

Sigh, today I end it.

 

It's so sad, we had a good thing. She's an awesome girl. Never saw her capable of cheating.

 

But I mean, no spark, and now she's into someone else. It sounds like she's about to end it if I don't. We were always passionate and loving together, wonder where that went wrong.

 

 

 

You did the right thing man.. you will become a better person knowing you can only control certain outcomes and to walk away peacefully knowing you can do so much. In life foresight is a powerful tool and you'll grow from the experience and open the possibility of better relationships.

[VeveCakes]

Sigh, today I end it.

 

It's so sad, we had a good thing. She's an awesome girl. Never saw her capable of cheating.

 

But I mean, no spark, and now she's into someone else. It sounds like she's about to end it if I don't. We were always passionate and loving together, wonder where that went wrong.

 

she's a serial cheater thats what went wrong.

[Zahara]

She's an awesome girl.

 

Cheaters aren't awesome people. She may have superficial stuff that's great like making you laugh but core values like loyalty, honesty, commitment -- fail.

[datingacheater29]

Cheaters aren't awesome people. She may have superficial stuff that's great like making you laugh but core values like loyalty, honesty, commitment -- fail.

 

Ouch, this one rings true. She was so kind, compassionate, and hilarious. It's too bad really that the rest isn't there. It was hidden so well. Or maybe I just havent had enough experience dating.

 

I'm heading to end it soon. I'm going to miss her. We shared a lot together.

 

I'll miss that cheeky smile of hers. Sigh, thanks guys.

[datingacheater29]

Welp, it's done. She was really sad but knew I couldn't be with her if this was what was going on. But she agreed it's for the best and that she will really miss me.

 

Man, I really loved that girl. Up until our conversation about her past I had no idea this was the kind of person she was. It all hit so fast.

[Calmandfocused]

Ive read you're thread with interest.

 

Just to say congratulations first of all for saving yourself a whole heap of misery. You're strong and respect yourself. It's good to see that.

 

However, you feel like crap. I get that. And the truth is you will feel like crap for a while. Hold the cheating convo in your mind and when she told you that she'd developed feelings for another man. Especially when you're missing her positive attributes.

 

Of course she wasnt all bad. No one is. She's bad for you though at this point in her life. She wants to sow her seeds, not be tied down (so it seems). Stand back and let her do it.

 

You did the right thing

[kendahke]

. Up until our conversation about her past I had no idea this was the kind of person she was.

 

Actually, that's not quite true. Post #1:

I knew of a cheating story of hers, but brushed it off at the time because, well, honeymoon.

 

 

You knew, but it was inconvenient to your agenda to know that, so you instead chose to ignore it. The truth shall set you free.

[Sweetfish]

Welp, it's done. She was really sad but knew I couldn't be with her if this was what was going on. But she agreed it's for the best and that she will really miss me.

 

Man, I really loved that girl. Up until our conversation about her past I had no idea this was the kind of person she was. It all hit so fast.

 

Its gonna be tough moving forward, but you did the absolute best thing.

[datingacheater29]

Actually, that's not quite true. Post #1:

 

 

 

You knew, but it was inconvenient to your agenda to know that, so you instead chose to ignore it. The truth shall set you free.

 

Ah, good point. I got caught up in her sparkling personality and our chemistry. It goes to show many partners can light up your world, but few will keep it lit.

[datingacheater29]

Phew, these first few days are tough. I packed and sent her all her belongings, deleted all her pictures, and blocked her on everything.

 

I have to get her off this pedestal in my head. We had a good thing, we really did, but she threw it away.

[kendahke]

Ah, good point. I got caught up in her sparkling personality and our chemistry. It goes to show many partners can light up your world, but few will keep it lit.

 

Actually it goes to show what happens when you don't follow your initial gut feeling about someone when facts fall out at your feet, but you choose instead to step over it because of... ...agenda.

 

You got caught up because you wanted what you wanted from her despite knowing she had a sketchy past. At the end of the day, we all are the last line of defense against someone whose values do not dovetail with ours. We choose whether or not to admit someone into our lives based upon what we're getting out of the involvement.

 

Something with your agenda made you ignore her past cheating and that is something you need to examine because it will cause you to enter into the exact same arrangement with this same character in a different body and if you don't learn to recognize this early on, you're going to end up wasting your youth in dead end relationships with women whose values do not dovetail with yours.

 

If cheaters are a no-go with you, then this chick should not have gained any further traction in your relationship from the day you found out about her cheating. That you allowed her to gain footing says something about the bottom line you pay lip servicing to having.

[datingacheater29]

Actually it goes to show what happens when you don't follow your initial gut feeling about someone when facts fall out at your feet, but you choose instead to step over it because of... ...agenda.

 

You got caught up because you wanted what you wanted from her despite knowing she had a sketchy past. At the end of the day, we all are the last line of defense against someone whose values do not dovetail with ours. We choose whether or not to admit someone into our lives based upon what we're getting out of the involvement.

 

Something with your agenda made you ignore her past cheating and that is something you need to examine because it will cause you to enter into the exact same arrangement with this same character in a different body and if you don't learn to recognize this early on, you're going to end up wasting your youth in dead end relationships with women whose values do not dovetail with yours.

 

If cheaters are a no-go with you, then this chick should not have gained any further traction in your relationship from the day you found out about her cheating. That you allowed her to gain footing says something about the bottom line you pay lip servicing to having.

 

My policy back then was to follow chemistry and let the rest fall in place. We always had crazy good chemistry and so I thought the rest would work itself out.

 

But yes, like you said, chemistry is not a good indicator of core values, and therefore not an indicator that the relationship will be good in the long term. It was extremely fun and fairly healthy throughout, but long-term I lined myself up on death row.

 

I actually found out during our first date. It goes to show I need to be more wary about my boundaries. I am not a pushover by any means, but I let values slide in hopes for us to be strong together anyway, like two puzzle pieces.

 

Half of it was "Oh, well she would never cheat on me, just look at her deadbeat ex's". Of course, because I had that stupid egocentric thought, my ego is now hurting badly, and I found myself asking why, how, what.

The other half I was telling myself I need to accept her past for what it is. In some cases, it seems that's not the right course of action.

[VeveCakes]

My policy back then was to follow chemistry and let the rest fall in place. We always had crazy good chemistry and so I thought the rest would work itself out.

 

But yes, like you said, chemistry is not a good indicator of core values, and therefore not an indicator that the relationship will be good in the long term. It was extremely fun and fairly healthy throughout, but long-term I lined myself up on death row.

 

I actually found out during our first date. It goes to show I need to be more wary about my boundaries. I am not a pushover by any means, but I let values slide in hopes for us to be strong together anyway, like two puzzle pieces.

 

Half of it was "Oh, well she would never cheat on me, just look at her deadbeat ex's". Of course, because I had that stupid egocentric thought, my ego is now hurting badly, and I found myself asking why, how, what.

The other half I was telling myself I need to accept her past for what it is. In some cases, it seems that's not the right course of action.

 

That chemistry is actually your attachment style being triggered. Usually that means the person is probably avoidant and it's signaling your attachment style to chase and hold on and unfortunately that normally happens with the wrong type. Check out the book Attached.

[datingacheater29]

That chemistry is actually your attachment style being triggered. Usually that means the person is probably avoidant and it's signaling your attachment style to chase and hold on and unfortunately that normally happens with the wrong type. Check out the book Attached.

 

Hm, interesting. I've read all about attachment styles and if anything I'd be the anxious one. I tend to worry about my relationship when fights, disagreements, or negative values are detected in the other person. But for the most part I've found my gut instinct is correct. And science backed tests signal I'm a secure style.

 

She was always very passionate and loving. Hell, some of her gestures were outright movie-esque romantic. By chemistry I mean our intimacy and passion together. It was great. Her attachment style is hard to pin down. She had a really tough year in high school but seemed more "clingy" than me. It's hard to pin down, I feel like she may have other underlying issues.

Edited December 6, 2016 by datingacheater29

[OnlyHonesty]

 

And the past is the past. I apologized for coming off fiercely.

 

 

This seems to be a reoccurring theme on these forums with men. If you are going to be honest and make a statement, then own it. As soon as you apologize for simply making a statement, what's the point of ever speaking?

 

I can't control how people will receive what I say and I sure as hell will not apologize unnecessarily. She is, after all, an adult and I'm sure she can handle a 'fierce' point of view.

 

Also, Ive lost count of the number of times Ive seen the statement 'the past is the past'

 

It's not, the past is part of what made us who we are currently and it is also a reasonable predictor of future actions. Unfortunately in your case, it is clear that the past is not the past and should never be ignored.

[datingacheater29]

This seems to be a reoccurring theme on these forums with men. If you are going to be honest and make a statement, then own it. As soon as you apologize for simply making a statement, what's the point of ever speaking?

 

I can't control how people will receive what I say and I sure as hell will not apologize unnecessarily. She is, after all, an adult and I'm sure she can handle a 'fierce' point of view.

 

Also, Ive lost count of the number of times Ive seen the statement 'the past is the past'

 

It's not, the past is part of what made us who we are currently and it is also a reasonable predictor of future actions. Unfortunately in your case, it is clear that the past is not the past and should never be ignored.

 

I agree. I should say I did not apologize for my values or how I felt about cheating. I stood by my morals. I apologized for yelling and coming off as insensitive. Was it soft? I guess I'll let you all be the judge. If so, I'll work on that.

 

And I agree. I listened too much to the angel on my shoulder telling me to forgive her past, we share the present. I made that mistake. But I'll never regret our relationship. It has taught me some much needed lessons.

[CommittedToThis]

Which is interesting considering she wanted to move in with me next month. She always seemed extremely devoted and loyal. I guess that's just part of her manipulation

 

I'm proud of you for dumping her. I think you avoided getting enmeshed with a Cluster B personality. Borderlines and Narcissists are always rushing things along, a strategy to keep people like us off-balance so we're not hip to their machinations.

 

But I'll never regret our relationship. It has taught me some much needed lessons.

 

The primary lesson is to recognize and ACT on any red flags, intuitions or gut feelings immediately, if not sooner.

 

The thing is, like everyone says, it's way, way easier to end things sooner than later.

 

You made the right call; I raise my glass of wheatgrass to you.

[datingacheater29]

I'm proud of you for dumping her. I think you avoided getting enmeshed with a Cluster B personality. Borderlines and Narcissists are always rushing things along, a strategy to keep people like us off-balance so we're not hip to their machinations.

 

Someone else mentioned to me a possible case of BDP. She held on tight to me, held conversations about our future together, had a trip planned. She was so excited. It all turned off so fast. A->Z really quick and without any real relationship problems. But then again that's just my perspective. Her history of cheating twice in her past add to the list of possible symptoms of BPD.

 

She also had bad problems with drugs, alcohol, switching life goals. She would always tell me "I just don't have a plan". She had a hard time with a tragedy in high school which may have stunted her ability to grow emotionally.

 

I would rule out Narc. She showed empathy towards others, for the most part.

 

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

 

The primary lesson is to recognize and ACT on any red flags, intuitions or gut feelings immediately, if not sooner.

 

The thing is, like everyone says, it's way, way easier to end things sooner than later.

 

You made the right call; I raise my glass of wheatgrass to you.

 

I kept thinking the past is the past, let it go. An early example is I found out she was seeing someone in our friend group before me. Once I heard that I knew she lied about seeing someone while we were dating (not exclusively yet) and I was upset about being lied to.

 

I also do not like when people don't give themselves the proper amount of time before jumping into a relationship. Her timeline was 2 year relationship -> cheated on him -> fling with other guy 2 months -> started seeing me. Back to back. But I felt I was just raking her about her past and let it go. Next time I won't be so flexible.

Edited December 7, 2016 by datingacheater29

[datingacheater29]

I'm really curious about this BPD thing. But I don't know how I would be able to tell.

[joseb]

I'm really curious about this BPD thing. But I don't know how I would be able to tell.

 

Check out downtown's posts on here.

 

It's a spectrum, she may well have been on it,

ultimately it doesn't really matter if she was or not, you were right to get out anyway, but it may help spot these types in the future.

[LD1990]

Another user, Downtown, has made several very informative posts about BPD that really opened my eyes regarding an ex-girlfriend of mine. You may want to look up some of his posts.

 

Here are some of the symptoms associated with BPD:

-Poor emotional control, easily swept up in positive and negative emotions. Essentially the emotional maturity of a small child.

-Black/white thinking, particularly towards romantic partners. Seeing you as either all good or all bad, and this fluctuates quite often after the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

-A very fragile ego and sense of self.

-A fear of both being alone and getting too close to someone, which spells doom for any long-term relationship.

 

I spent almost two years with a woman who had strong BPD symptoms, foolishly ignoring when she told me at the beginning of our relationship that she had cheated on every partner, but had never cheated when she cared. Of course I thought I was different and special, just like you did.

 

In my experience and that of many others who have dated women like this, the initial honeymoon period is incredible. The chemistry is perfect, her emotional openness is intoxicating, she makes you feel like a white knight rescuing her from all the terrible guys of her past, and the sex is the best you've ever had or damn close.

 

Then the honeymoon period ends and she freaks out because she's feeling suffocated. So she sees you as the problem and pushes you away. Then she gets scared you'll abandon her so she pulls you back. I lost count of how many push-pull cycles/breakups I had with my ex. Eventually, she finds someone new, gets swept up in the rush of new love, and leaves you. Two things you can always expect with these type of women - they will cheat and they are never single. And because of their fragile egos, they won't accept responsibility for the cheating. It was always because of some failing their boyfriend at the time had.

[datingacheater29]

Another user, Downtown, has made several very informative posts about BPD that really opened my eyes regarding an ex-girlfriend of mine. You may want to look up some of his posts.

 

Here are some of the symptoms associated with BPD:

-Poor emotional control, easily swept up in positive and negative emotions. Essentially the emotional maturity of a small child.

-Black/white thinking, particularly towards romantic partners. Seeing you as either all good or all bad, and this fluctuates quite often after the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

-A very fragile ego and sense of self.

-A fear of both being alone and getting too close to someone, which spells doom for any long-term relationship.

 

I spent almost two years with a woman who had strong BPD symptoms, foolishly ignoring when she told me at the beginning of our relationship that she had cheated on every partner, but had never cheated when she cared. Of course I thought I was different and special, just like you did.

 

In my experience and that of many others who have dated women like this, the initial honeymoon period is incredible. The chemistry is perfect, her emotional openness is intoxicating, she makes you feel like a white knight rescuing her from all the terrible guys of her past, and the sex is the best you've ever had or damn close.

 

Then the honeymoon period ends and she freaks out because she's feeling suffocated. So she sees you as the problem and pushes you away. Then she gets scared you'll abandon her so she pulls you back. I lost count of how many push-pull cycles/breakups I had with my ex. Eventually, she finds someone new, gets swept up in the rush of new love, and leaves you. Two things you can always expect with these type of women - they will cheat and they are never single. And because of their fragile egos, they won't accept responsibility for the cheating. It was always because of some failing their boyfriend at the time had.

 

Wow I'll have to check this out. Everything in bold describes her very well.

 

- She basically blamed her ex-boyfriends for feeling the need to cheat. Like she fell out of love and she felt victimized or something.

 

- Honeymoon was incredible. Best sex of my life. We both were always satisfied and passionate. This part threw me off incredibly. I couldn't even be attracted to other women at one point because I was so satisfied.

 

- She seemed to always "give up" after honeymoon. The "all good" is the honeymoon phase for her.

 

- She lacks self-identity and self-worth. Confused with her life in general. She has never done anything defining in her life.

 

- Always talked poorly of her past boyfriends. They were all deadbeats, but were they really poor people? Idk.

 

- She has never had a solid period of time alone. Always a fling, a fwb, rebound, and then another relationship. Like clockwork. I'm the 3rd go.

 

- Serial cheater. 3rd time with me. Ouch

[datingacheater29]

Damn I miss her. Our passion, love, the way she would touch me. What the hell happened to us. I feel like i was the cause. But then again she ditched me so quickly. I just wish I could open the door and see that smile she used to always give me when she came over.

 

The way she loved me. It was unreal. Snuffed out so quickly.