Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[Satu]

Instead of arguing, schedule half an hour a week, to discuss matters of concern before they become 'big issues.'

 

 

For ten minutes he speaks without any interruptions.

 

Then you get your ten minutes of uninterrupted talk time.

 

The last ten minutes is two way chat.

 

You alternate who speaks first every week.

 

The first time, you toss a coin.

 

 

Its much better than arguing, and can actually be very enjoyable

 

 

Take care.

[ElizabethIII]

If you move in with him, I predict you will be doing all the domestic work. He will probably buy himself a fancy TV but gripe at you because you want to spend your money on decent coffee and some nice makeup. He will quibble over the cost of groceries or on takeout.

 

This describes on of my friends husbands.

 

he bought a sports car, a massive tv, laptops, etc etc etc.

 

He wont allow her to buy good skin cream, buys the cheapest groceries possible and bad instant coffee and tea.

 

People like this do exist and that is exactly what this guy will do.

[preraph]

Welcome to the double standard. I do think you're a little OCD, but there are solutions to the little details of cooking. Like I use paper sacks to cut on and not the counter usually and rarely a porous cutting board, which experiments have shown are literally impossible to thoroughly clean. So maybe you get rid of cutting boards and use paper that can be thrown away. I use the same sponge for everything in the kitchen and just rinse it with hot water and occasionally microwave it. I'm mostly careful with chicken, which is the nastiest most diseased food there is, and I don't use anything except paper towels or disposable things for it.

 

Men never like being told how to do something they don't want to be doing in the first place, and it's a well known strategy among men to do those things so poorly that you finally give up and just do it yourself. And that is not something they do accidentally. That is something they scheme on women and do.

 

And that's where the real problem lies. You can't trust him to do the simplest things right by himself without monitoring him. So it's your choice whether to go through life like this or not. Just wait until you have a baby involved.

[Poe77]

My bf of several months seems to have gotten stingier. Since the start we would split dinner bills, or if he paid once then he'll actually remind me to pay the next time. I know there's another thread about who pays for dating, but this thread is more about the his attitude towards me.

 

A few weeks ago he started to pay for me because he got a new credit card and needed to spend $x to get a nice cashback reward. He ended up spending a couple hundred on me (trips, dinner). At first he said I could start paying for him after he has spent enough on his credit card to get his reward. Then I offered to pay him back in cash, he said don't worry about it and he is "happy" to spend it on me. But then he joked about how it's expensive to have a gf and I am making him "broke." Even though he said it's a joke I think he's telling me something. Mind you, both of us make a lot of income and have a lot saved up.

 

So after he got his credit card reward, he just stopped paying for anything. Never bothered paying for dinners or outings so I paid for him, justifying that I'm "paying" my debt. I was ok with that, but then his attitude annoys me.

 

We started cooking together more often and I paid for groceries. Then once he went on a groceries trip by himself, and then jokingly complained that it was "so expensive but I bought it just for you." I was like ????. Both of us ate the food he bought and he only spent like $20.

 

And another time we were on a trip and I had a cold and was sick so I wanted a taxi back to the hotel, but he insisted on walking (to save money?). Then even though I paid for the taxi he seemed annoyed.

 

Then after I started paying for his gym, I calculated I had repaid all my "debt" to him. (I would've paid my debt in cash earlier but he refused.) Then he once said going to the gym is too expensive (even though I am currently still paying for his gym).

 

I don't know what to do. I don't mind paying my fair share but he seems intent on splitting things down the middle and saying these things that irk me. I hope I'm not being too sensitive? What would you do if you were me?

Ok 1st off he actually got a "reward" out of spending that cash and I assume you both were out on these trips? so im not to sure how he calculated he spent it all on you and how even tho he got something out of it too you then owed him that back? I dont know to me that's funky fish right there..I could see if he used his CC to buy you some expensive item you asked him for ok but on things you both shared and then to go back and say ok time for you to pay me back now..na that wouldn't fly with me its manipulative at best.

[MarkIVSteel]

I don't blame him. He probably had a bad experience with gold-digging girlfriends.

[ElizabethIII]

I don't blame him. He probably had a bad experience with gold-digging girlfriends.

 

Gold digging for what?

 

Their heavily mortgaged condo or their car which still has hundreds of payments due on it.

 

Men often overestimate their worth and actually dont have anything to gold dig for. They should stop flattering themselves.

Edited November 24, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[Els]

OP, I'm generally a fan of communication, but this is one of the few cases where I don't think communication will do any good. You can't 'communicate' someone out of a terrible attitude. That's like saying, "Oh, he yelled and cursed at the waitress because his food took 15 minutes? Talk to him and tell him not to do that!". Well yes, he might (temporarily) stop yelling at waitresses once you tell him that, but it doesn't change why he did to begin with.

 

Unless you want a R where you are each constantly quibbling over a few dollars more or less here and there... probably best to let this one go. This goes double after reading your other thread.

[scooby-philly]

I hope i can weave this together. A few people already gave you great advice but several key points should be brought together.

 

First thig though...ignore the trolls. If theyre complaining about women taking advantage they need to find better women and be clear upfront in dating.

 

Ok...advice

 

A long term healthy relationship is about compatibility, openess, and wanting a similar life. In other words....looking and working togethers towards a future. You dont need all the same hobbies or all the same friends....but its not about independence either. So.

 

1. Openess. You need to be open with him. People are not mind readers. Either tell him how you feel or dont complain. If you do....whats his reaction. People are funny about lots of things. He could have grown up poor. Or on the edge of it. Or he could have been ok but parents were like he is now. So...let him react. If he doesnt see it....point it out...both his comments and his double standard. Then...does he ack. it? If not then you need to decide how much work you are willling to do. If hes dismissive then your world view....see point 2....may not be compatible. But if youre not open with him....how does he know. I mean its obvious to a lot of us that its a problem...but we are not him.

 

2. World view. Some people r takers. They grew up spoiled and waited on,(dont have to be rich for this). Some people just never develop a sense of how the world works and expect people to bend to their will or dont realize what goes into making their lives work and their wants fulfilled. Dome people r completely incapable of introspection. All of that plus a persons values, views, biasesn etc make up our world view. Youve described a man who doesnt have a clue about how financed should work in a healthy relationship and doesnt sre them as that...a relatuonship where you build each other up. And he seems ignorant of what you do for him. And...does he have goals? Money needs to be in context of goals...otherwise youll never have enough. And he seems like that could be the case. Gym is too expensive?

 

3. Compatibility. This goes beyond world view to deeper personality traits. Ones that arent easily changed. Like keeping a scorecard.....thats a big no in a relationship and it seems like hes got one when it comes to money. So...as someone else said....have a convo with him about kids. But put it kn the context of point no1. Not that u want them...but that if you guys did would he complain like he does now?

 

Looks like you either need to uncover a lot about him or move on.

[Shining One]

I don't blame him. He probably had a bad experience with gold-digging girlfriends.

This is no excuse. I have a bad history of dating women who take more than they give. You would not catch me behaving like the OP's boyfriend. One can achieve equal partnerships without being a pain about it.

[Shining One]

Their heavily mortgaged condo or their car which still has hundreds of payments due on it.

What financial institution provides a car loan with hundreds of payments?

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me like he has some pretty strong hangups about money. He also sounds very insecure. Most men who are secure don't keep score of dating expenses, especially when both are financially comfortable. A man can be secure and have a generous attitude at any income level.

 

I agree with the advice to talk to him, openly and honestly.

[anna121]

He sounds gross, honestly.

 

I suppose you could just insist on splitting everything 50-50. If the rel-ship is absolutely fantastic in other ways.

 

I mean, there's no way I'd do it (stinginess is the ugliest trait there is) but....different strokes?

 

But, yeah. If you treat your partner to something, like dinner or movie, do so and shut the hell up about it. I'd go absolutely ballistic if I were being reminded of it all the time. UGH.

[basil67]

I don't blame him. He probably had a bad experience with gold-digging girlfriends.

 

So how does this justify him calling her a princess for using her own money on a taxi?

[sarah999]

Ok 1st off he actually got a "reward" out of spending that cash and I assume you both were out on these trips? so im not to sure how he calculated he spent it all on you and how even tho he got something out of it too you then owed him that back? I dont know to me that's funky fish right there..I could see if he used his CC to buy you some expensive item you asked him for ok but on things you both shared and then to go back and say ok time for you to pay me back now..na that wouldn't fly with me its manipulative at best.

 

Well he got this card where if he spends $4000 in 3 months, he gets $1500 worth of airline miles. When we went on the trips, he spent $1000 on both of us, which would make $500 that he spent for me. That was when he was like "Oh I'm quote on quote 'happy' to spend it on you" and also "I'll let you pay [me back] after I reach my credit card goal." So since that trip, up til now, I've spent roughly $500 on him.

 

And God knows what he spent the remaining $3000 on, but again, that's his money and not my business.

 

So now he got his $1500 worth of airline miles. And he says he'll use the miles to pay for a trip for both of us in the future. Which is interestingly generous of him. But I don't know if he'll keep making comments about me having to compensate him back if I were to use his miles. Which leads to the next thing...communicating with him (see next quote)

 

OP, I'm generally a fan of communication, but this is one of the few cases where I don't think communication will do any good. You can't 'communicate' someone out of a terrible attitude. That's like saying, "Oh, he yelled and cursed at the waitress because his food took 15 minutes? Talk to him and tell him not to do that!". Well yes, he might (temporarily) stop yelling at waitresses once you tell him that, but it doesn't change why he did to begin with.

 

Unless you want a R where you are each constantly quibbling over a few dollars more or less here and there... probably best to let this one go. This goes double after reading your other thread.

 

I think I'll at least give it a try. I have to admit, the beginning of our relationship was one of the happiest moments of my life. And most of the time he is affectionate and tells me how much he loves me. I feel bad for just walking away. Though my heart is currently pretty bruised right now.

 

I do agree, personality traits (stinginess) is hard to change. Maybe my mind is in denial. That somehow it can still work. Even though my gut instinct is giving off red flags. I'm so torn right now.

 

I hope i can weave this together. A few people already gave you great advice but several key points should be brought together.

 

First thig though...ignore the trolls. If theyre complaining about women taking advantage they need to find better women and be clear upfront in dating.

 

Ok...advice

 

A long term healthy relationship is about compatibility, openess, and wanting a similar life. In other words....looking and working togethers towards a future. You dont need all the same hobbies or all the same friends....but its not about independence either. So.

 

1. Openess. You need to be open with him. People are not mind readers. Either tell him how you feel or dont complain. If you do....whats his reaction. People are funny about lots of things. He could have grown up poor. Or on the edge of it. Or he could have been ok but parents were like he is now. So...let him react. If he doesnt see it....point it out...both his comments and his double standard. Then...does he ack. it? If not then you need to decide how much work you are willling to do. If hes dismissive then your world view....see point 2....may not be compatible. But if youre not open with him....how does he know. I mean its obvious to a lot of us that its a problem...but we are not him.

 

2. World view. Some people r takers. They grew up spoiled and waited on,(dont have to be rich for this). Some people just never develop a sense of how the world works and expect people to bend to their will or dont realize what goes into making their lives work and their wants fulfilled. Dome people r completely incapable of introspection. All of that plus a persons values, views, biasesn etc make up our world view. Youve described a man who doesnt have a clue about how financed should work in a healthy relationship and doesnt sre them as that...a relatuonship where you build each other up. And he seems ignorant of what you do for him. And...does he have goals? Money needs to be in context of goals...otherwise youll never have enough. And he seems like that could be the case. Gym is too expensive?

 

3. Compatibility. This goes beyond world view to deeper personality traits. Ones that arent easily changed. Like keeping a scorecard.....thats a big no in a relationship and it seems like hes got one when it comes to money. So...as someone else said....have a convo with him about kids. But put it kn the context of point no1. Not that u want them...but that if you guys did would he complain like he does now?

 

Looks like you either need to uncover a lot about him or move on.

 

I guess I'll give an open discussion a shot. Not now though, since we just had an argument as I mentioned in the other thread, and I want things to cool down.

 

Maybe his world view is skewed. I think, because he grew up in a turbulent family, with his dad divorcing, his mom suffering as a result, and him not having a proper parent figure to be there for him. His mom having to raise three kids on her own, probably went through financial difficulties, which I assume is the cause of the frugality (stinginess?).

 

He doesn't really have money goals, he just likes to see money grow. He likes to see numbers grow. He likes to monitor stocks (which is OK) but he also likes to use an app that keeps track of all his daily financial inflows and outflows, and track his spending. This is why I fear he might be even using an app to keep a financial scorecard for this relationship.

 

As for compatibility, I don't know. At the start of the relationship everything was fine and dandy since it was new. Right now I am having serious doubts especially after many of you guys advised that I am "too nice" for even putting up with my current relationship status quo.

Edited November 24, 2016 by sarah999

[Might3]

Money is like OUR clothes idk how 2 explain it it basically makes us feel loved gives us more common sense

[MidwestUSA]

 

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

 

That taste? It's called Salmonella.

 

Do me a favor. Ask your guy if he washes his hands after he takes a leak, or worse. You won't believe the number of guys who don't. I don't care if he claims to use the 'shake off' or drip dry method, it's gross.

 

FWIW, my H cuts up chicken in the sink. I usually follow by filling the sink with hot water and some bleach. The plate he carries it to the grill on goes in with the bleach water.

 

In other words, we WORK TOGETHER.

[SwordofFlame]

What about the non-financial aspects of the relationship? Is it fairly balanced or does one of you put in a lot more effort than the other?

[Els]

I think I'll at least give it a try. I have to admit, the beginning of our relationship was one of the happiest moments of my life. And most of the time he is affectionate and tells me how much he loves me. I feel bad for just walking away. Though my heart is currently pretty bruised right now.

 

I do agree, personality traits (stinginess) is hard to change. Maybe my mind is in denial. That somehow it can still work. Even though my gut instinct is giving off red flags. I'm so torn right now.

 

---

 

As for compatibility, I don't know. At the start of the relationship everything was fine and dandy since it was new. Right now I am having serious doubts especially after many of you guys advised that I am "too nice" for even putting up with my current relationship status quo.

 

It's definitely your choice, and whichever way you decide, I respect that. I do want to point out a few things though:

 

1. Words are cheap. They really are. I could, as a complete stranger, tell you "ILY" right now - it wouldn't 'cost' me anything at all, and it wouldn't mean anything either.

 

IMO, if you want to see what you mean to someone, the best way is to see what they are willing to give of themselves for you. I don't necessarily just mean money (although it's one of several possible ways), but also effort and time. For instance, does he take care of you when you are sick? If you need him to help you out with anything, does he do so without complaining? Does he do anything at all that doesn't benefit him, for your sake? If he does all of that, then it's possible that he might truly love you and that this money issue is a one off, but him saying he loves you doesn't really mean anything if it isn't backed up by actions.

 

2. You've only been together for less than a year, correct? You should still be in the honeymoon phase IMO. It's not okay to put up with so many issues in a relationship that hasn't even lasted a year yet.

 

If you do want to stay with him, be VERY wary about ever moving in. I suspect you'd end up paying 50% (or even more) of the bills while doing 90% of the housework.

[TheTraveler]

 

And that time when I spent taxi fare, his annoyed comments consisted of calling me a "princess" because I refused to walk a mile in the cold while being sick. He also said I was "too opinionated" because I chose the taxi.

 

This would bother me to my core. I'm a guy, and if I feel like ass and couldn't walk anymore on a trip, I will grab a taxi/uber and leave a good tip for the short ride. If a girl questions it or cracking jokes about me being sick? I'd dump her ass.

[ElizabethIII]

What financial institution provides a car loan with hundreds of payments?

 

Oh dont be a smart arse.

 

It was a figure of speech. My point was these men accuse women of being gold diggers but they don't even own their home or car most of the time.

[salparadise]

 

Ok, we worked it out, right?

 

But then every time we cook, he would make remarks about how I'm too picky or anxious or have OCD. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes not so jokingly. So yesterday I felt hurt so I made a comment about how maybe we're not a good match, and then he got upset.

 

So we started talking/arguing. It wasn't heated or anything.

 

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think you're working out the ground rules. I don't see any big deal breakers, and I am familiar with your other thread as well. It all comes down to nuance that we can't see or feel through the screen and keyboard... in other words, how positive you feel about him and the relationship, minor issues notwithstanding.

 

If you're dating someone and the negative issues are dominating your thoughts and feelings, get out of it. However, if you're feeling the butterflies and you have a few little things to work out, and you see a lot of intrinsic good in the person, then it's probably worth it to see if you can fix it.

 

One thing you need to understand, on these forums there are a lot of people who will tell you to just dump him... because they have zero empathy with your overall situation (you like the guy or you wouldn't be dating him), have no skin in it themselves, but do have some resentment or gender issues built up from past experiences. That often gets expressed thorough the advice given to those who are struggling and/or easily influenced. When someone says, Oh that's intolerable –– dump him, you should really dump the person who's jumping to that conclusion without knowing you or the situation, or having real empathy. It's their issues that they're all about, not yours. Easy for them to say because they're only looking at a very narrow slice of the total situation.

 

Based on everything I know about your situation (both threads) I think you should have a sit down and deal with some of this stuff, but gently, tactfully, and without getting too far inside each other's hula hoop.

 

Are you micro-managing? On the cutting board issue... yes, but on that particular issue it's justified. If it didn't affect you directly I'd say keep it to yourself.

 

Example: My girlfriend spends a lot of weekends and one of our favorite dinners is homemade pizza. So one saturday I said we can have leftover pizza for lunch, from the night before. She said, "no I don't want to eat that pizza. Do you know why?" I said no, please tell me. She said, "because you didn't put it in the refrigerator last night and I'm paranoid about food borne illness." I said, "ok, from now on every is by the book on food storage, and I want you to help me make the adjustments."

 

I've eaten unrefrigerated leftover pizza a million times and it's never been a problem. For me, it's not about that (being right). It's about acknowledging her feelings.

 

So, she did, we did. Yesterday I cooked a ton of stuff to take to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. Some of it I'd have been fine letting sit out overnight previously, but knowing how she feels I cleaned out my fridge and made room for it all. When I walk in with all the food today I will tell her that it was all in the fridge overnight... because I know she's sensitive, she'll be thinking about it (but won't want to ask), and the reassurance will be appreciated.

 

I think the issues with your young man are fixable if you feel the positive side has enough weight to balance the scales. He may be a little rough around the edges, but I still haven't heard anything that makes me feel that he's not a good person.

 

When you said you thought you were not a good match, that was going too far. Never say that except as the reason for ending the relationship. Keep it to the specific topic being discussed. If my girlfriend said that to me in response to some little disagreement I'd be hurt, and it would do damage to the relationship itself. It's a power play––like threatening the nuclear option. Choose words carefully.

Edited November 24, 2016 by salparadise

[Gr8fuln2020]

I know others have commented, but wanted to chime in on this...

He also said I was "too opinionated" because I chose the taxi.

 

He is going beyond selfish and cheap. As I and others have said, there is a very strong element of controlling behavior being exhibited here. The comment above goes to the core of how he looks at you and your behavior. He is not tolerant of dissent. You weren't feeling well and he suggested walking, for pete's sake! All for the buck! He used the words "too opinionated" which, in my mind, is inappropriate use of language for what transpired. This is his way of saying "how dare you disagree with me!"

 

I do agree, personality traits (stinginess) is hard to change. Maybe my mind is in denial. That somehow it can still work. Even though my gut instinct is giving off red flags. I'm so torn right now.

 

I'm sorry, but all of this is you feeling very unsettled about this guy. Uncomfortable and likely sick to your stomach about the prospect of prolonging a relationship with a guy you know is not good for you or anyone else, for that matter. I hate to say this, but your relationship sounds more like an on-going 'business' transaction than a caring, respectful relationship. Other than him saying he loves you from time to time, what else does he bring to the table that doesn't remind you that he's tallying up how much YOU owe him? Again, how emotionally and physically affectionate is he? How attentive to YOUR needs is he?

 

[salparadise]

As long as you're feeling good about this relationship overall, I'd encourage you to keep working on the communication and accommodation issues. I think it's wrong of other posters to try and make you dissatisfied (except in cases of abuse). Good relationships require effort, and adjustments usually have to be made to accommodate each other's style and preferences. When you're in the middle of it, sometimes it's hard to discern between big issues vs. communication and compromise.

 

Personally, I wouldn't date a conservative republican or anyone who has big, painted fingernails with intricate designs... but I'd never tell someone else that they should dump their boyfriend/girlfriend because they don't conform to MY preferences. Choose wisely with respect to whose counsel you take seriously.

[ElizabethIII]

She isnt feeling good otherwise there are other threads about him.

 

Most of the men and women on this site are average ordinary people. None of us are celebrities or royalty or huge business tycoons as far as I know.

 

So the suggestion that the OP is a gold digger when she just doesnt like a nit picker with money is so rude.

 

As I said earlier, gold dig for what? As a show of hands, how many people on here own a huge home, mortgage free and a few fancy cars that they own outright too? Probably very, few if any people on here, where if they were to get divorced would have a substantial amount of money or property to be taken from them and given to the spouse.

 

So we are left with the case of average joes, who have a heavily mortgaged home, or maybe even rent a home and havent even bought a property yet, a car that they are still paying off. And yet, they are picky with money and wont even buy their partner dinner without the promise they will be bought dinner of equal value back. And they call women gold diggers?

 

They have got nothing to offer in the first place, have no fortune to protect and should get down off their high horse. If they cant even buy their partner dinner without a demand for it to be bought back the next time, what is the point in being with them.

[fenix]

If you want this to work, all this will take is open honest communication. What are you afraid of? Offending him? You are unhappy is that fair to suffer in silence? He's not a mind reader, he doesn't know the stress of his actions is putting you through. I'm sure if you tell him how you feel, and how his comments make you feel he's going to stop it. If you don't tell him, he is going to think everything he is doing is ok with you.

 

I find myself more often than not agreeing with Smackie9.

 

If there is something bothering you in your relationship then speak up, talk to your bf about this and try to get a solution. If after discussing the issue nothing changes then is up to you to decide if you can live with that situation or not.

Please do not give to much attention to the "dump him" patrol. It is very easy to tell someone you don't know to leave someone they don't know without knowing what is the investment and the possible consequences.

My 0.05$ is talk to him and try to solve things if you have interest on this guy... if you don't then you know what to do.