Asking for ultimate trust

[vanhalenfan]

First...You need to be completely honest with your wife. It really doesn't matter how we as loveshackers feel about your situation....what matters is how YOU feel. I can totally understand that you are worried....that you have doubts....that you don't want her to take the job....and you have every right to feel that way. But You should tell her exactly how you feel about it.

 

You have the right to demand that your wife NOT take this job...but it would be better if she was sensitive enough to the pain she has caused you...and not even consider it. She should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable...and it would be really nice if she volunteered this on her own instead of you having to demand it.

 

If she is in any way remorseful for her affair...she should be completely transparent to you...with all passwords to all accounts...she should give you a detailed itinerary every day. She should welcome you asking questions. She should be doing everything she can to help you to feel safe.

 

Her considering this job is a very good indication that she is still self absorbed. She is strictly thinking about herself and not about your relationship. Not only because her boyfriend lives in the place where the new job is...but because you are fresh out of an affair discovery and the last thing either of you need is to be apart.

 

If she expresses resentment to you after you tell her how you feel...it is a very good indication that things are not right in your relationship. Your marriage should be first and foremost in her mind...not a new job away from you and where her boyfriend is.

 

If she gets angry...if she tries to put you on a guilt trip...if she cops an attitude....I think you know that means she is placing herself above your marriage.... and it very well might be time to let her take the job and serve her divorce papers. Sometimes a reality check is necessary for waywards to understand the severity of their actions.

 

I won't speculate on whether or not her affair was emotional and physical...but emotional means she has feelings for this man...and living near him and not you is extremely dangerous....and if it was not physical there's a very good chance it will be if she moves near him.

 

Please don't think you have lost....clearly she is the loser....

 

Very well said!!

[drifter777]

When adults are having an emotional affair and they decide to meet up it is for sex. Period. Period. Period.

 

Look, it sounds like you don't have children so you should just wish her well in her new life and move on with your own. There is no reason to put yourself through the hell you are just beginning to experience. Get out now while you still have your self-respect.

[BluesPower]

I am starting to wonder if we all freaked OP out and he will be one of our hit and run posters.

 

Does everyone think that there are this many people in the world that come to LS and are really that naïve?

 

I know some of us are older maybe and we have been around some but are there really this many people that believe this stuff when they catch their husband or wife cheating?

 

The older I get the less I understand about people...

[Married1988]

I would tell her straight up you are not okay with that. She broke the trust by having an affair with this man, so she loses the right to even ask you how you feel about it.

[aileD]

The most important thing in marital reconciliation after the affair is distance from the affair partner.

 

Affairs and affair partners can become addictive...and just like any addiction --to break yourself from it you must distance yourself from it. Remove yourself from the environment. Find a new job, new friends. You don't see recovering alcoholics hanging out in bars or recovering druggies hanging with the same friend group....and it's like that for a reason.

 

Everyone here is telling you she has sinister motives, or is still cheating or some other horrible plot against you. Maybe she is or maybe she isn't....but regardless of that--if she wants a true reconciliation she needs to be shown that she has to make some sacrifices. Her job moving to his town is one of them.

 

It shouldn't be negotiable.

 

are you in therapy?

[Bufo]

The Casablanca reply tells you everything you need to know.

 

I'd ask a few pertinent questions. 1. Did OM play any part in advising her of this job opening? 2. Does OM have any contact with the company she plans to work for? (Does he work there? Does he work for a customer or supplier?

3. Would this new job put her in contact with him?

4. Has she had any discussion with him about this job?

5. Why does she want a job thousands of kilometers away from you?

6. Does she have any acquaintances in that town besides OM? (Unless she's going to work 16 hours per day 7 days per week how will she keep herself entertained?)

7. What is her position about you moving there, too?

 

There are so many possibilities of this turning out badly for your M that I cannot begin to list them all. You might be well served to talk to an attorney to find out what a divorce would look like. So you can make an informed choice.

[Friskyone4u]

Did you know that cheaters lie a lot. They met up it was a sexual affair.

 

If they have contact it will continue if it isn't ongoing.

 

Don't be naive.

 

Time to stop playing ostrich. You caught her in an affair and have NOTHING to verify that she has not actually slept with this OM. So before you consider any job acceptability for her career, you need to polygraph her to see if she is lying about never having sex with him. Or doesn't that matter to you.

 

Now if you are going to blindly believe anything she tells you no advice is going to help you.

 

Now, who in their right mind catches their spouse cheating and then agrees to send them off for eight months to live a stones throw from the OM while you are in another time zone. If you had a friend or brother telling you this story would you tell him to agree to this???

 

You are in a fog of your own my friend and if you do not get out of it there will be no wife to relocate to.

[BluesPower]

Yeah I don't disagree that a poly would be nice.

 

But he should be way past thinking that she can move to OM city and play house for a year.

 

No way. And for anyone including OP, can we please stop pretending the we don't "know" that she slept wit him. Of course she did, we all knew it from the first post.

 

If she wants to go, you need to divorce first, bottom line.

[Noirek]

Yeah I don't disagree that a poly would be nice.

 

But he should be way past thinking that she can move to OM city and play house for a year.

 

No way. And for anyone including OP, can we please stop pretending the we don't "know" that she slept wit him. Of course she did, we all knew it from the first post.

 

If she wants to go, you need to divorce first, bottom line.

 

We don't "know". I'm about 98% sure. And if alcohol was involved in any of these meetups than it is like 99.99%.

 

There have been WS who have come here and met up once or twice and been to nervous to consummate the relationship. And I used to be a memeber on a cheaters site and quite a few people "took it slow" or didn't cross that line despite meetups. Which is why I asked him how he knows she is telling the truth. For instance messages between them stating such or so forth. Since it is possible and we weren't there none of us can know. we can just be really positive thay even if it was full on PIV something of a sexual nature happened. I also can say this because I had quite a few alone times with my xMM before we went physical. Like totally safe to get busy alone times.

[BluesPower]

Look everyone...

 

They slept together, alcohol or not. They met up to sleep together. Otherwise why take all the effort to meet.

 

Everyone that has had an affair has done this.

 

If we want a percentage that she slept with him it is 99.99999999999% sure that she slept with him.

 

I don't think we do OP a disservice by buying into the fantasy that he has that she did not sleep with the guy. She not only slept with him, she has screwed him multiple times, not that that really matters.

[fenix]

Guys this was a hit and run... no point to argue about anything here...OP is gone

[bubbaganoosh]

Nip it in the bud now. No waiting because it will only get worse. If it's me I just tell her now way that's happening.

 

If she gets pissed then tell her to look in the mirror and she'll see whose at fault. She's the one who couldn't behave so now she danced to the music and it's time to pay the piper.

 

Sit her down and tell her and after you say what's on your mind, let her know it's not open for discussion unless she wants to be single again.

[turnera]

It would be bad enough if the two of you moved there together to his town.

 

But for her to move there for EIGHT MONTHS, ALONE, LONELY, needing companionship and you're thousands of KMs away?

 

Hell no.

 

Tell her if she wants to take the job and won't wait for you to go with her, she can go with her divorce papers.

[LonelyInsomniac]

A game of Spin the Bottle has a coin toss' chance of netting you a moral loyal spouse than this one.

[Blueskies66]

As a serial philanderer I will tell you that they probably had sex. She probably had this move planned before you discovered the affair. Your wife will probably be doing things with him that she would never do with you.

 

You are a fool to let her leave. If you love her be a man and fight. If you don't really love her then call it quits and let her get on with life.

[Buckeye2]

3 months ago I discovered that my wife had was having an emotional affair.

 

How did you find out? How long did the affair last?

 

It was mainly via social media but they did meet up a couple of times although she swears it never became physical.

 

the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away).

 

If you're having a great time with your EA and that's all you want then why do you travel 1000's of KMs to meet up? What excuse did give during her absence to see the OM? Where did she tell you she was?

[Try]

3 months ago I discovered that my wife had was having an emotional affair. It was mainly via social media but they did meet up a couple of times although she swears it never became physical.

 

Anyway, I found out and it stopped and although it's been hard, we have actually become quite close again after some pretty excruciating soul searching.

 

The problem now, however, is that my wife has been offered a good job in the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away), with the plan of me joining her when my work contract finishes in about 8 months.

So only 3 months after you caught her having an affair with this other man ("OM"), she wants to take a job that would have her living near the OM, and that would have her living 1000s of KMs away from you for 8 months, and you are even considering this? Her wanting to live that far away from you for that long after you just caught her having an affair should be a deal killer all on its own, but when you add in that she is moving to the same small town as the OM, the whole thing becomes insane. It could not be more obvious what is happening here. Your wife and the OM man cannot believe that you are actually thinking this over.

[italianjob]

So you're telling me that, in this economy, your wife, who is in a job she hates so it doesn't sound like she has unbelievable qualifications, is contacted, out of the blue, from a company hundreds of kms away with an offer for a good job?

 

And by pure coincidence this company is in the same small town where her AP of 3 months ago lives?

 

Winning the lottery is more probable than that...

 

Someone has applied for this job and had an interview. That means

 

1. She decided to try to live there. Guess why.

2. She probably had to travel there, maybe more than once, to talk to the company. In that case, she probably met and ****ed her AP.

 

You're a grown man, stop believing Fairy. Tales...

[kgcolonel]

I'm afraid we lost Deadend....

[merrmeade]

Dead end for ultimate trust.

[Try]

Dead end for ultimate trust.

Never mind the fact that just 3 months ago she showed him that she is not trustworthy. Letting the OPs wife move 1,000s of KMs away from him for 8 months, where she would live in the same small town as her affair partner instead of living with the OP, has nothing to do with trust, and has everything to do with her telling him exactly where he ranks in her priority list.

 

QUESTION: How does a cheater say "screw you"?

ANSWER: They say "trust me".

Edited December 1, 2016 by Try