Slimtripper Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Any other opinions on the letter? We have had no contact since the blowout but I know we have to speak at some point anyway to sort out a few issues such as a planned holiday and rent etc. The letter doesn't say lets try again, just that i know it wasn't her intention for this to happen and the most important thing right now is that she gets herself sorted. I thought it may help her he;p herself if she knows I don't blame her. The letter does say try again. It full blown screams "im a doormat, lets try again and ill just keep on accepting your awful behavior. Please do not have any respect for me right now" Do NOT send that letter. You want her back, you're panicking. You think you can save her. What are you going to save her from? Not wanting you? You want to save yourself from feeling what you are feeling. If you walk away there is a good chance she will come back. If you send that letter there is zero chance it will make her come back, but it will make her believe that her decision was totally right. She is not in the headspace to think logically. Only time will do that. Same as you are not thinking logically or you wouldn't be pouring your heart out to someone that just stomped all over it. And as for wanting her to know that you don't blame here? What??? For one, you should blame her for leading you on then breaking it off. And then two, why would YOU apologize for her dumping you. Come on man Man up. no letter Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 I disagree with you. I am not begging her to come back and letting her know that i'm ok with what happened. Her anxiety is a real thing and I don't want her to be ashamed to admit it like I know she is. I am telling her its ok, there is no hard feelings and i want her to defeat these demons by any means necessary, even if that means we have no future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I disagree with you. I am not begging her to come back and letting her know that i'm ok with what happened. Her anxiety is a real thing and I don't want her to be ashamed to admit it like I know she is. I am telling her its ok, there is no hard feelings and i want her to defeat these demons by any means necessary, even if that means we have no future. Even if your intentions are truly not to make a desperate attempt to get her to reconcile with you, a letter is literally what it's based for and the intention to try again is normally what is expected from the other person. If she really cared or wanted to know, she'd make sure of it herself. She'd feel concerned but you feel that she in fact isn't at all due to her anxiety problems. There's no point provoking the situation further, because what you feel might be the correct thing to do to 'help her' may just be the complete opposite and make matters worse for the both of you. She has to conquer what life throws at her by herself, independently with those of who she associates herself with... you not being one of them anymore. Time to heal the fresh wounds, let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Slimtripper Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I disagree with you. I am not begging her to come back and letting her know that i'm ok with what happened. Her anxiety is a real thing and I don't want her to be ashamed to admit it like I know she is. I am telling her its ok, there is no hard feelings and i want her to defeat these demons by any means necessary, even if that means we have no future. You aren't in a relationship any more. If she wanted to talk to you then trust me, she would be talking to you. She DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Do you think that sending her even more communication is suddenly going to talk her around. Do you even believe yourself that you aren't trying to get her back with that letter? If you were truly ok with her leaving then you wouldn't be sending a letter. Go away from this, wait it out for a few weeks. Accept its over and then , at that point when you are thinking with some sense, consider your options. You send that letter you wont get her back and you'll feel worse. IS that honestly what you want? IT will not stop your hurting. You will think that it isn't quite over yet so your brain will possibly feel a slight bit happier for a day or so, then you will feel ten times worse. Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to us. Stop asking the same question to try and get someone to agree with it being a good idea. They wont. Show her you are a real man. Do not chase her. That is the only way you can start her being attracted to you again. Confident men don't get dumped time n time again then send love letters 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I have acceptance, i just don't want her to feel like she has to go through this alone. But she does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 I disagree with you. I am not begging her to come back and letting her know that i'm ok with what happened. The first step to healing is being honest with yourself. And you're not being honest with yourself. If you DID NOT want to get back together, you would NOT write a letter, much less sending one. The fact that you want to send a letter, encouraging her in a supportive way, itself screams "I'll be here for you whenever you're ready because your time is important and mine isn't." There isn't such a thing as calmly wanting to get back together vs. desperately wanting to get back together. Your desire to get back together is very apparent. We humans are inherently selfish. Now imagine her being with a different dude but still wants you for a "friend", a "sibling" type of support. Would you still be supporting her knowing she now has a sexual relationship with someone else? If yes, then you can send that letter. If that very thought makes you have nausea, then you're not ready to send the letter now. Or ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 A little update. I have not sent the letter yet and there has been no contact so far. She has however put some money into my account online. I guess this is money for some rent she feels like she owes me. I haven't acknowledged this or anything yet. Should I? Like I said we also have break to America booked for the new year which we have both paid for. I really do think we will need to discuss this at somepoint. I honestly am ok with the break up. 8 know there will be someone else for me, I know she didn't mean to hurt me and I know I don't want to go back to accepting that it's ok for her to treat me badly because of her anxiety. With that said, I still feel we have to have at least one more contact of some form to sort out the holiday issue. That would also allow us to say no hard feelings and both move on. Surely after nearly two years that is ok? As it stands we had a fight. She had a bit of a breakdown, said she couldn't cope with everything so I packed up and left. We were both angry. Surely two years doesn't have to end like that? We are grown ups and can have a conversation about things surely? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Yes, it would make sense to have ONE conversation to tie up all the loose ends. How much she owes you and how it will be repaid, how you will deal with the holiday, returning each other's stuff, etc. Practical stuff ONLY. Don't leave anything out. Make a list and make sure you tie up EVERYTHING. Don't forget anything, don't leave anything for another day, don't give yourself an excuse for more contact in the future. Get it all out the way as business-like as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 How long is best to leave it before trying to arrange the final conversation? Do I look week by iniating it so should therefore hold out to see if she does? Or is it petty to think like that. Sorry for the constant posts. Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 How long is best to leave it before trying to arrange the final conversation? Do I look week by iniating it so should therefore hold out to see if she does? Or is it petty to think like that. Sorry for the constant posts. Not really being or should be perceived as 'weak' seeing as you're only finalizing clarification on certain things outside of the relationship. Do it whenever you choose to, there's no deadline but it'd be more beneficial to just get it over and done with. P.S don't include any BS that results in a reconciliation attempt. In other words, don't address the breakup, the relationship, the aftermath, none of that. Like Peg has said, treat it as a 'business based' scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 How long is best to leave it before trying to arrange the final conversation? Do I look week by iniating it so should therefore hold out to see if she does? I would do it ASAP. There is nothing to be gained by leaving it. Look, you need to understand something. It doesn't matter one iota whether you seem weak or needy or bitter or jaded or happy or miserable or anxious or excited or depressed or disinterested. Who cares?? You're breaking up, not starting a relationship. After this conversation you will never speak again so what does it matter whether she thinks you're weak or not? You need to focus on yourself, and do what is best for yourself. Stop thinking about how it will look to her. It doesn't matter one hoot what she thinks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Ok. I'm going to sit on my thoughts for a few more days and decide what to do. As she has sent me some rent money back without me asking I am intrigued to see if she looks to cancel the booked holiday. Her last words to me when I left hers were "your going to hate me" and "I've let you down". I think that is what's stuck with me. I don't hate her and guess the letter was going to by way of saying that. We had a lot of good times so there is no hate from my side. While it may give of the impression of me being a doormat, it is what I feel. It isn't saying start again, just letting her know I don't hate her like she thinks. Going to mull it over more for the coming days and see how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Slimtripper Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Ok. I'm going to sit on my thoughts for a few more days and decide what to do. As she has sent me some rent money back without me asking I am intrigued to see if she looks to cancel the booked holiday. Her last words to me when I left hers were "your going to hate me" and "I've let you down". I think that is what's stuck with me. I don't hate her and guess the letter was going to by way of saying that. We had a lot of good times so there is no hate from my side. While it may give of the impression of me being a doormat, it is what I feel. It isn't saying start again, just letting her know I don't hate her like she thinks. Going to mull it over more for the coming days and see how I feel. If you send that letter, after every person on here has told you not, i really think a part of me will die inside. I got dumped 5 days ago. I wouldn't say im over it but i have put all my effort into looking fwd not back. Blocked everything, talked about it for the first few days then have gone about my business. Go gym, go work, meet friends. U have to do that. Ive accepted that its over. You have to do the same. Looking back the more the break up goes on for it definitely x10 the amount of time it takes to get over it. I had one that took a full year and that took me i reckon 2 years to get over to the point of i could see her with someone n didn't care. Last time someone broke up with me i went full NC n got over it in 3 weeks. I reckon i can do that this time. Stop prolonging this. She has told you its over. Don't think you can change that with words, or a letter. Dont take the blame for everything. Start moving on. Moving on is the only way she would never come back. Its win win Link to post Share on other sites
Lifeissomething Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 OP, sorry for your situation. Hang in there. Truth of the matter (and I don't say truth lightly), also in similar situations, but the 'For whatever personal reason x, I need to break up with you' is absolute crap. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it really is. In any aforementioned situation of similarity, is when you generally rely on your partner more and not end the relationship, with the most likely possibility that you won't ever see or communicate with this now ex partner again. The thing is, I believe most dumpers actually believe this nonsense when they say it (well to some extent). But in reality, it's an (easy) excuse and reason (among many) that they have chosen as reason to dump you. Think of the situations where someone has said "....that situation was horrible, but my significant other helped me through it..." In reality, that's what companionship is about. She denied you this role for her reasons. It's not up to you to offer to be a support system now. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Update. I had a fairly lengthy email from her when I got home from work. She apologised for the last few months and is going to try and sort herself out. She thanked me for my support. I think that is all I needed really. Now we can both move on. Thanks for the input, appreciated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Did you sort out the payments, holiday booking, returning of belongings, etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 Did you sort out the payments, holiday booking, returning of belongings, etc? Yes, we are cancelling the trip and are able to reclaim some of the money by doing this. She asked about meeting when I want to collect bits that she still has of mine. I didn't acknowledge this and probably won't. It's not important stuff I need, just a few books and tops. Rather than meet I am happy for her to just throw away. Link to post Share on other sites
Slimtripper Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Yes, we are cancelling the trip and are able to reclaim some of the money by doing this. She asked about meeting when I want to collect bits that she still has of mine. I didn't acknowledge this and probably won't. It's not important stuff I need, just a few books and tops. Rather than meet I am happy for her to just throw away. That's good. It's the hardest thing to wait but it's really the only way to understand anything. Get out of the house as much as possible. Workout. Keep the adrenaline pumping. Everything will be good Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It happens. Just know that it's nothing that you did or that it is in any way a reflection on you. It seems like she's not ready for a commitment. Consider yourself lucky. You dodged a bullet. Better now than after you're married with kids. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and do it, something that excites you and makes you feel happy. Whatever it is. Take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) Here is a quick summary. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. On the whole it has been great, some arguments every now and again but nothing major. She is quite fiery and I am very laid back so this normally meant any dispute dissolved fairly quickly. We have been on various holidays together and were saving to buy a place together. She already had her own place while I was renting. Over the last 6 months or so, her job has become very stressful and she has been suffering from bad anxiety because of this – For example, constantly checking emails and being upset about work to the point where she would cry at the prospect of going in. She was also working very long hours which meant she couldn’t maintain a healthy lifestyle which affected her confidence drastically. I tried my best to support her during this time and reassure her but every so often she would have an outburst at me for no real reason. She would always apologise and we would just move on. I moved into her place and after a couple of days she had a bit of a breakdown and said everything was too much for her and she needed to sort herself out. She apologised for everything and said she didn’t mean to hurt me. I packed up my things and left. I was angry and felt like I had been strung along for a ride. I have deleted her contact details and have no plans to reach out. Is this the right thing to do? She didn't mean to hurt you, but she knew it was hurting you. You keep moving. You go on that trip alone or take someone else. When I am stressed, I go to my SO, I don't push him away . . . Edited December 2, 2016 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 Quick update. I had an email of her last night. Just general stuff and asked if I was ok. I just deleted it as have been complete n/c since it happened. As I said I have some stuff left at her place but it is just minor things I don't need so if she reaches out again I think I will continue to ignore. Feeling pretty good and cracking on with work and keeping busy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jtmyers1988 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Sorry about your situation OP. I am going thru a very similar situation myself with a wonderful girl who is over exerting herself. Mine was 4 years and we were VERY close and often talked about marriage and the future. Every situation is different but I still want her back and hope things work out but I might be in a delusional state since we had a good relationship overall and we considered each other best friends. It was so sudden for me. My Story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604940-did-i-lose-her-forever-time-she-worth-getting-back Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 She didn't mean to hurt you, but she knew it was hurting you. You keep moving. You go on that trip alone or take someone else. When I am stressed, I go to my SO, I don't push him away . . . So why did she push him away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author h647 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Share Posted December 8, 2016 Does everyone agree this is the best route to take? I'm certain she will reach out at some point about the stuff but I don't want to see her or have contact so happy to just ignore and forget about it, Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Does everyone agree this is the best route to take? I'm certain she will reach out at some point about the stuff but I don't want to see her or have contact so happy to just ignore and forget about it, Yes, ignore and keep moving forward. She will get the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
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