Am I a bad husband? Am I bad man?

[BettyDraper]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. Coming into this i already knew how most of responses I was going to get and I do take all of what you guys said to heart. It's difficult because I can't talk to anyone close to me because I don't want them to think of me in such a negative light. I really do not want to go down this path and I have thought about how it would affect our children, family and coworkers. For some who asked, my wife is a good mother to our kids and she also is a hard worker and I love that about her. We have our differences like most, we fight about stuff around the house and things like that but I feel like the water has run dry and the OW and I have this spark that makes me feel good. Yeah reading what I wrote makes me selfish and a bad husband. What do I do? Like someone said..it's extremely difficult to face these temptations because I do see the OW so much more, we see each other at least 8 hours of the day versus seeing my wife 2 or 3 hours of the day and there's really no way to separate myself from situation unless the OW leaves. There has been some effort on my part to try not to flirt as much but one little thing and I'm triggered back to it and I can't help myself. I can tell myself I won't do anything when I'm at home and not around the OW but when we are together, all that goes out the window and temptation takes over

 

Since you care how others perceive you, think about how your wife and children would view you if they knew what you were doing.

 

What do you do? Well, you honor your vows by cutting off contact with the OW and placing boundaries around your heart and mind. If you love and respect your wife, you can make a conscious decision to think of her rather than pursuing an affair with the OW.

 

You can help yourself if you really want to. You're just making excuses for selfish and immature behavior.

[Satu]

BettyDraper mentioned boundaries, and they are important; they stop the good things leaking out and the bad things flooding in. They create a zone of safety where everyone is free to be themselves.

 

Healthy boundaries are set and maintained jointly.

 

One person can't do that job.

 

At the moment, OP, you are letting the good stuff leak out and that's real shame.

 

I would like to recommend a book to you:

"Making Love Last: Creating and Maintaining Intimacy in Long-term Relationships."

 

by Lawrence E Hedges.

 

You can download it for free here

 

 

Take care.

[afoolto no end]

It sounds like you have made your choices and you have it all justified for yourself, this is pure disrespect of your wife and your marriage and your kids.

I say pack your bags and leave her before she finds out before the kids find out.

Then go live your life with miss perfect.......

But if you ask me not moving out now makes you a bad husband and a bad man, a good man doesn't hurt his family and his wife........don't do this to her, leave now........

[dreamingoftigers]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

She ain't here and he is.

 

After ten years and two children he can haul himself to marital counseling and discuss his needs there.

 

A decent man and husband doesn't do "Twinkie time" to "find himself" and "meet his needs "

 

"Unmet needs" is the biggest bullshyte excuse for cheating. WE ALL have needs that aren't met by our partners, we either meet the needs our partners can't or we decide that they are incompatible with us and we split off from them. Cheating is utter, utter BS.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. Coming into this i already knew how most of responses I was going to get and I do take all of what you guys said to heart. It's difficult because I can't talk to anyone close to me because I don't want them to think of me in such a negative light. I really do not want to go down this path and I have thought about how it would affect our children, family and coworkers. For some who asked, my wife is a good mother to our kids and she also is a hard worker and I love that about her. We have our differences like most, we fight about stuff around the house and things like that but I feel like the water has run dry and the OW and I have this spark that makes me feel good. Yeah reading what I wrote makes me selfish and a bad husband. What do I do? Like someone said..it's extremely difficult to face these temptations because I do see the OW so much more, we see each other at least 8 hours of the day versus seeing my wife 2 or 3 hours of the day and there's really no way to separate myself from situation unless the OW leaves. There has been some effort on my part to try not to flirt as much but one little thing and I'm triggered back to it and I can't help myself. I can tell myself I won't do anything when I'm at home and not around the OW but when we are together, all that goes out the window and temptation takes over

 

If it's a matter of time together and it's just "so hopeless" that you will "fall into temptation" because you "can't separate yourself from her"......

 

 

You STILL have a choice because you are an adult.

 

If I had a job, even a career, that put my children's family unit at such tremendous risk, I would not use it as an excuse. I would find another job.

[dreamingoftigers]

If it's a matter of time together and it's just "so hopeless" that you will "fall into temptation" because you "can't separate yourself from her"......

 

 

You STILL have a choice because you are an adult.

 

If I had a job, even a career, that put my children's family unit at such tremendous risk, I would not use it as an excuse. I would find another job.

 

There's just no way that my marriage would be sacrificed on the " career coupled with temptation" altar. No thanks.

[ShatteredLady]

OP Quote - "We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text. I find myself making reasons to see this new girl everyday. My wife recently has noticed the changes in me and has tried to do date nights with me again and tries to work out our relationship, but I spend more time with the younger girl all the time at work and continue to flirt with her" destructively.

 

 

.....& yet you dismiss your wife's efforts to help your marriage & family whilst CHOOSING to spend as much time as you can with your OW "temptation".

[dreamingoftigers]

OP Quote - "We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text. I find myself making reasons to see this new girl everyday. My wife recently has noticed the changes in me and has tried to do date nights with me again and tries to work out our relationship, but I spend more time with the younger girl all the time at work and continue to flirt with her" destructively.

 

 

.....& yet you dismiss your wife's efforts to help your marriage & family whilst CHOOSING to spend as much time as you can with your OW "temptation".

 

I must say OP, there's se good news on the horizon!

 

Remember all of those " fights about nothing" you've been having? When your wife funds out about this, you won't be fighting about "nothing" anymore.

 

BTW, I am 34. I find it weird that in two years I'll be married to a 40 year-old. Single 28 year olds without kids really don't need the baggage of a divorced man with kids. There are better options out there.

[gettingstronger]

Divorce your wife to be with the younger woman that thinks it's OK to be with a married man. Are you brave enough? Are you that awesome that it'll never happen to you? If not, stop what you're doing and get therapy. Either way, man up and do right by somebody.

[basil67]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

Yes, I have. I've asked a couple of times about what's going on in their marriage. OP doesn't seem to want to talk about that though - just his personal desires.

[turnera]

Im 40 years old and I've been married with my wife for 10 years and have 2 beautiful children. I love my kids but am slowly drifting away from my wife who is 36 y.o and always fighting with her about nothing. I've found myself connected to a new colleague that just started working with me who is younger (28) and I find more attractive. She is also in a long term relationship but things are also not working out for her but she says they are trying to make it work. I see that we have a connection and that she has feelings for me and I feelings for her. We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text. I find myself making reasons to see this new girl everyday. My wife recently has noticed the changes in me and has tried to do date nights with me again and tries to work out our relationship, but I spend more time with the younger girl all the time at work and continue to flirt with her harmlessly. My question is am I a bad person?

Yes. You are. You made a vow and because it's not 'fun' any more, you are now a CHEATING husband. One who is willing to risk the lives of those children he 'claims' to 'love.'

 

Have you told your mother about your cheating? What did she say when you told her?

[turnera]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

If that were the case, it is up to HIM to say so.

 

Not to destroy many people's lives by choosing to cheat.

[turnera]

btw, you said:

We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text.

 

Just think how IN LOVE you would be with your wife if you and SHE were going out to eat all the time, having dinners, spending time after work together, and flirting with each other through text every day?

 

Think about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

Were she not, would you recommend he continue on his present course to address that issue ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[usernameisvalid]

There has been some effort on my part to try not to flirt as much but one little thing and I'm triggered back to it and I can't help myself.

 

You can't help the way you feel, but you absolutely can control your actions.

 

You can't blame this on anyone but yourself, no matter how hard you try. You are responsible for what you do.

[Noideanow]

From my own perspective and experience, having someone like this in your life clouds your judgment when considering the decision to divorce or not.

 

Divorce, in my opinion, should be dealt with on its own terms. Are you really unhappy enough to leave even if there's nobody waiting for you on the outside? It's hard to say if you've got a nice little relationship on the side, because deep down inside, she's part of the choice.

 

That's why you're here asking these kinds of questions, rather than knowing what you really want to do.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but I'll offer it. In every marriage, there's this period where you get sick of each other. You've come to the place where you both know what each other are like, you know what you like and what you don't, and the part you don't tends to receive the most focus. You're life is not perfect, and so you squabble about the little stuff, mainly because there's no big stuff to really fight about. Call it rich people's problems.""

 

 

 

Assuming here? why and what do you build that on, do you know every marriage there is and have been in the world? What you can say is that for you to be able to stay in YOUR marriage you have to tell yourself this sentence:cool:

 

My advice to the man asking the question is Follow your heart, be kind and true and loving to everybody on the way, But dont stay in a marriage if it prevents your dreams coming true2

wish you courage, strength and love, all the way-)

[Ruby Slippers]

You're having an emotional affair. I don't think this means you're "bad". It makes you a fairly typical person and husband.

 

I work in an office where I see evidence of lots of emotional affairs going on, and I suspect at least one physical affair is happening (between two married people). I think because I'm single, the men are a little more transparent with me on the matter than they are with coupled women. I'm guessing their spouses have no idea.

 

The men at work who are most appealing to the most women are all married. They're also the most shameless flirts. I don't flirt back with the married guys, but most women do. They each have their little harem of groupies.

 

Married women especially come down very hard on guys like you, because the reality of the sexual marketplace threatens them. From what I've observed, it's a small minority of men who don't flirt with other women when away from the wife or appear to entertain taking it further.

 

It seems to me that the best most women are going to do is get married to a guy who will give her kids, material and financial support, and companionship. Only the luckiest women get an exceptional man who does all that and is also faithful for life - maybe 5%. As the wife ages and the marriage grows stale, a lot of men are going to start hunting for fun with other women, typically younger women.

 

So I don't think you're bad. Not "the best", but pretty typical.

 

Like most people in this situation, you'd prefer to have your cake (marriage) and eat it, too (affair).

 

If you proceed and this becomes a physical affair, there's a good chance you'll be ejected from your family. You'll be free to explore other women, but I'm guessing you'll also have a big fat support payment to your ex-family.

 

I think you should pick a direction instead of waffling between them - your marriage and family, or divorce and freedom to explore.

[BettyDraper]

You're having an emotional affair. I don't think this means you're "bad". It makes you a fairly typical person and husband.

 

I work in an office where I see evidence of lots of emotional affairs going on, and I suspect at least one physical affair is happening (between two married people). I think because I'm single, the men are a little more transparent with me on the matter than they are with coupled women. I'm guessing their spouses have no idea.

 

The men at work who are most appealing to the most women are all married. They're also the most shameless flirts. I don't flirt back with the married guys, but most women do. They each have their little harem of groupies.

 

Married women especially come down very hard on guys like you, because the reality of the sexual marketplace threatens them. From what I've observed, it's a small minority of men who don't flirt with other women when away from the wife or appear to entertain taking it further.

 

It seems to me that the best most women are going to do is get married to a guy who will give her kids, material and financial support, and companionship. Only the luckiest women get an exceptional man who does all that and is also faithful for life - maybe 5%. As the wife ages and the marriage grows stale, a lot of men are going to start hunting for fun with other women, typically younger women.

 

So I don't think you're bad. Not "the best", but pretty typical.

 

Like most people in this situation, you'd prefer to have your cake (marriage) and eat it, too (affair).

 

If you proceed and this becomes a physical affair, there's a good chance you'll be ejected from your family. You'll be free to explore other women, but I'm guessing you'll also have a big fat support payment to your ex-family.

 

I think you should pick a direction instead of waffling between them - your marriage and family, or divorce and freedom to explore.

 

It's one thing to engage in some harmless flirting but quite another to pursue a coworker while married and think of sleeping with her.

 

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post but it seems like you think that because a behavior might be typical it means that it is excusable. It reads like "Men will be men and most husbands cheat so it's okay." The OP isn't just flirting with a woman at work. He's sending texts to his coworker, going on dates with her and plotting a physical affair. What makes it worse is that he's behaving as if he has no choice.

 

If a wife has been a wonderful partner, she has kept herself attractive and she married a trustworthy man, there's no reason for her to feel "threatened by the sexual marketplace." I know my husband is completely besotted with me and I don't worry about what I would do if he cheated because I know I would end the marriage. Wives come down on men like the OP simply because what he is doing is reprehensible. A woman making the same choices would be just as guilty.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's one thing to engage in some harmless flirting but quite another to pursue a coworker while married and think of sleeping with her.

Do you really believe those men "harmlessly" flirting with girls at work aren't thinking about sleeping with them? Some of them don't act on their feelings of desire, but that doesn't mean they're not there in plain sight.

 

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post but it seems like you think that because a behavior might be typical it means that it is excusable. It reads like "Men will be men and most husbands cheat so it's okay." The OP isn't just flirting with a woman at work. He's sending texts to his coworker, going on dates with her and plotting a physical affair. What makes it worse is that he's behaving as if he has no choice.

I see him expressing a very typical frustration of long-married men. I'm not saying it's OK, just that it's typical. It's also typical that most people will walk right past a homeless, hungry person without doing a thing about it. It's not OK - it's downright tragic - but it's typical. Is such a person a "bad person" for ignoring the suffering of his fellow man? He's no angel, but he's average at worst.

 

I know my husband is completely besotted with me and I don't worry about what I would do if he cheated because I know I would end the marriage.

I think that's easier said than done, especially if you have young children, as the OP's wife does. If your husband is so devoted that he'll stay faithful for the rest of your life, you're in an exceptional marriage with an exceptional man.

 

Wives come down on men like the OP simply because what he is doing is reprehensible.

Then Putin with his gymnast, Petraeus with Paula, John Edwards with Rielle, and millions of other men around the world are "reprehensible".

 

As a single woman with different worries than those of a married woman, I don't see it that way.

[turnera]

btw, if you were to choose to STOP cheating and give all that energy and attention to your wife - who would no doubt respond in kind, you would no longer be a bad guy. It's that simple.

[BettyDraper]

Do you really believe those men "harmlessly" flirting with girls at work aren't thinking about sleeping with them? Some of them don't act on their feelings of desire, but that doesn't mean they're not there in plain sight.

 

 

I see him expressing a very typical frustration of long-married men. I'm not saying it's OK, just that it's typical. It's also typical that most people will walk right past a homeless, hungry person without doing a thing about it. It's not OK - it's downright tragic - but it's typical. Is such a person a "bad person" for ignoring the suffering of his fellow man? He's no angel, but he's average at worst.

 

 

I think that's easier said than done, especially if you have young children, as the OP's wife does. If your husband is so devoted that he'll stay faithful for the rest of your life, you're in an exceptional marriage with an exceptional man.

 

 

Then Putin with his gymnast, Petraeus with Paula, John Edwards with Rielle, and millions of other men around the world are "reprehensible".

 

As a single woman with different worries than those of a married woman, I don't see it that way.

 

No wife can control what goes through her husband's mind and she shouldn't try to anyway. We all have inappropriate thoughts and lascivious fantasies. What matters is how we choose to handle them. I refuse to believe that most husbands will start dating a coworker just because he's bored at home. Believe it or not, some husbands are actually mature enough to remember their vows. That doesn't make them "exceptional". It makes them grown men who understand the commitment of marriage.

 

A man's position in society is irrelevant to this discussion. Cheating is unacceptable behavior unless a couple has agreed to an open marriage or each spouse doesn't care about fidelity as long as they can stay married. Those who cannot stay faithful should not be in a marriage with that expectation.

 

I wouldn't have married my husband if I thought he was the type to cheat because that would have been a foolish choice. I can't say that he will never have an affair because I don't know what the future holds. However, I wouldn't stay in this marriage if I felt that I had to worry about him dating other women behind my back. We won't be having children so that greatly reduces the strain in our marriage.

 

Since you're single, it is clearly difficult for you to grasp the implications of extramarital affairs. A person who has never been married will not be able to truly understand what comes with that commitment until she has a husband.

Edited November 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Ruby Slippers]

My marital status doesn't impede me from observing and understanding human nature. On the contrary, I think since I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses of marriage, I see things more clearly.

 

I understand why married women shame and insult men like the OP. You're simply fighting for your own best interests.

 

Depending on the study or survey, 25-75% of people in "monogamous" relationships cheat.

 

I see the value in striving for ideals. I'm an idealist. But with more life experience, I'm learning to find the value in accepting people the way they are, even with their natural tendencies that I find offensive.

 

Now and then I check out this forum out of curiosity, and it strikes me how often a version of this story pops up, and how predictable the responses are. My purpose in responding to this thread is to be one voice to counter the predictable chorus of shame.

 

I don't think he's a "bad person". I think he's a typical married man. According to the studies and surveys, he is by definition typical. Married men who are faithful for life are exceptional.

[elaine567]

I don't think he's a "bad person". I think he's a typical married man. According to the studies and surveys, he is by definition typical. Married men who are faithful for life are exceptional.

 

Not exceptional.

The lifetime risk of cheating for men is said to be around 25% and even if that is an under-estimation that still leaves a lot of faithful men around.

 

How Common is Cheating & Infidelity Really? | World of Psychology

[dreamingoftigers]

My marital status doesn't impede me from observing and understanding human nature. On the contrary, I think since I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses of marriage, I see things more clearly.

 

I understand why married women shame and insult men like the OP. You're simply fighting for your own best interests.

 

Depending on the study or survey, 25-75% of people in "monogamous" relationships cheat.

 

I see the value in striving for ideals. I'm an idealist. But with more life experience, I'm learning to find the value in accepting people the way they are, even with their natural tendencies that I find offensive.

 

Now and then I check out this forum out of curiosity, and it strikes me how often a version of this story pops up, and how predictable the responses are. My purpose in responding to this thread is to be one voice to counter the predictable chorus of shame.

 

I don't think he's a "bad person". I think he's a typical married man. According to the studies and surveys, he is by definition typical. Married men who are faithful for life are exceptional.

 

I think that faithful people are becoming more exceptional.

 

I don't think that overall they are exceptional.

[BettyDraper]

My marital status doesn't impede me from observing and understanding human nature. On the contrary, I think since I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses of marriage, I see things more clearly.

 

I understand why married women shame and insult men like the OP. You're simply fighting for your own best interests.

 

Depending on the study or survey, 25-75% of people in "monogamous" relationships cheat.

 

I see the value in striving for ideals. I'm an idealist. But with more life experience, I'm learning to find the value in accepting people the way they are, even with their natural tendencies that I find offensive.

 

Now and then I check out this forum out of curiosity, and it strikes me how often a version of this story pops up, and how predictable the responses are. My purpose in responding to this thread is to be one voice to counter the predictable chorus of shame.

 

I don't think he's a "bad person". I think he's a typical married man. According to the studies and surveys, he is by definition typical. Married men who are faithful for life are exceptional.

 

Spending years in a marriage makes the rose colored glasses come off very quickly. There are some situations in life that you need to experience to truly understand and marriage is one of them.

 

What interests would we need to protect when were talking to a stranger on the internet? The OP is not married to any of the wives who have responded negatively to his behavior. Once again, your logic fails to provide any compelling reason why the OP should be given support.

 

If you would like to be the thread crusader for cheating married men, it would be far more sensible to realize the gravity of the OP's actions rather than grasping as straws such as "Putin cheated so it's okay for all married men to do so" or "I've never been married but I understand marriage more than wives do."