I need to stop

[Cameron777]

I left my wife last night. For 5 years I have been killing her and she hasn't known why. She is 32 years old, she will be better off finding a man who won't do this to her. So many of our problems I have blamed on her when the blame should have been on me. When we lost our children, she somehow climbed out of the deep pit we were in. I stayed at rock bottom. I'm like dead weight holding her back and she doesn't even know it. She's young. She could find someone, start over. Be happy. I'll always weight her down. We've been through hell together, there is no coming back. We need a clean break.

 

I didn't tell her the details. All I said was that I was leaving and she needs to get a full STD screen. It's better that way.

[katielee]

I didn't tell her the details. All I said was that I was leaving and she needs to get a full STD screen..

 

Well that's pretty.... detailed. I'd say she knows exactly what you've been up to.

[BTDT2012]

I left my wife last night. For 5 years I have been killing her and she hasn't known why. She is 32 years old, she will be better off finding a man who won't do this to her. So many of our problems I have blamed on her when the blame should have been on me. When we lost our children, she somehow climbed out of the deep pit we were in. I stayed at rock bottom. I'm like dead weight holding her back and she doesn't even know it. She's young. She could find someone, start over. Be happy. I'll always weight her down. We've been through hell together, there is no coming back. We need a clean break.

 

I didn't tell her the details. All I said was that I was leaving and she needs to get a full STD screen. It's better that way.

 

I hope that you will tell her the truth if she asks.

[wmacbride]

op,

while I can understand you leaving your wife, and think it may be for the best, it's not really going to help you,or her, int he long run.

 

I've never lost a child, let alone more than one. I can't begin to imagine how difficult that must have been.

 

It sounds to me like you need far more help than just a 12 step program. Whether or not you and your wife split up doesn't change that. You are, as the saying goes, one of the walking wounded,and you need help. Seeing prostitutes may boost your self esteem and help you forget what happened, for a few minutes,but it won't change or fix anything.It's no different than someone choosing to drown their pain with alcohol or drug use. You may even be subconsciously punishing yourself for what happened to your children or it could be ptsd rearing its head.. I don't know, but a well trained therapist or grief counselor can help you.

 

As it stands right now,you have left your wife without telling her why. I know you wanted to spare her additional pain,but in the long run, by not being honest, you have created wounds that may never heal. She will blame herself for you choosing to leave. I know it's hard, but honesty is better if you are looking at the situation from a long term perspective.

 

Finally, if you are faltering and need something to hold on to while you recover, think of it as you honoring the memory of the children you loved so much by being the best man you can be. Yes, you have lost them, but you are still their dad and you always will be. Living your life in the best way you can, being honest, having honor and compassion, being a decent person-these are some of the ways that you can honor their memory.

[Mr. Lucky]

I left my wife last night. For 5 years I have been killing her and she hasn't known why.

 

Perhaps for the best, very hard to know. No easy answers here.

 

What's the next step for you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[HeCantBreakMe]

op,

while I can understand you leaving your wife, and think it may be for the best, it's not really going to help you,or her, int he long run.

 

I've never lost a child, let alone more than one. I can't begin to imagine how difficult that must have been.

 

It sounds to me like you need far more help than just a 12 step program. Whether or not you and your wife split up doesn't change that. You are, as the saying goes, one of the walking wounded,and you need help. Seeing prostitutes may boost your self esteem and help you forget what happened, for a few minutes,but it won't change or fix anything.It's no different than someone choosing to drown their pain with alcohol or drug use. You may even be subconsciously punishing yourself for what happened to your children or it could be ptsd rearing its head.. I don't know, but a well trained therapist or grief counselor can help you.

 

As it stands right now,you have left your wife without telling her why. I know you wanted to spare her additional pain,but in the long run, by not being honest, you have created wounds that may never heal. She will blame herself for you choosing to leave. I know it's hard, but honesty is better if you are looking at the situation from a long term perspective.

 

Finally, if you are faltering and need something to hold on to while you recover, think of it as you honoring the memory of the children you loved so much by being the best man you can be. Yes, you have lost them, but you are still their dad and you always will be. Living your life in the best way you can, being honest, having honor and compassion, being a decent person-these are some of the ways that you can honor their memory.

 

First of all I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine coming back from that I truly cannot.

 

Second the bold is correct. Do not leave her in this pain you need to face her and tell her what you have done and take the blame. If you leave her like this you are still letting her shoulder the pain and that just isn't fair. Face her- look her in the eye- tell her what you have done and be truly sorry. Then you can choose to leave but at least she will have the truth.

 

Good luck Cameron.

[Mr Blunt]

By Cameron

I left my wife last night. For 5 years I have been killing her and she hasn't known why. She is 32 years old, she will be better off finding a man who won't do this to her

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you made the right choice considering your circumstances. I hope that your wife will get over you and finds joy again, she deserves it!

[S2B]

Your wife deserves the truth from you so that she's not blaming herself.

 

 

Do you plan to get help for your issues? What's the plan moving forward?

[raj805]

70K on sex workers!? ewwww.. You probably have a few STDs. For your wife's sake you need to get help, tested, and let your wife know.

[BoaConstrictor]

Grief, especially the unimaginable grief you experienced, is an unrelenting and cruel force. Very few people can even begin to understand the depths of hell that you have been to. That you are even still alive is in many respects a miracle. To be honest, if I had been in your shoes, I probably wouldn't have survived.

 

For that reason, I have a lot of compassion for you. I hope that both you and your wife can find any semblance of peace and comfort that you can.

[BaileyB]

My goodness, my heart is heavy after hearing your story.

 

Please, seek help. Find a counsellor who can help you to deal with your grief. You've done the best you can, but the coping strategies you have chosen are destroying you personally, as well as your marriage.

 

Please, seek help. It will be a long journey, but it can't be any worse than the hell you have been living these past few years.

 

And yes, I think your wife deserves to know the truth. If you leave without telling her, you will only add to the burden she already carries. You owe her more than than that. It will be very hard to say and hard for her to hear, but you need to tell her what you've done.

Edited December 13, 2016 by BaileyB

[Cameron777]

My wife knows everything now and she wants to give a strong attempt to reconcile. Between going together as a couple and alone we are in therapy almost every day. She won't wear her rings anymore and told me to sign divorce papers but she hasn't signed them yet. Right now she won't refer to us as married she always says in the air. Every time she is asked she says that she wants to put in the months and years of work to rebuild our marriage, for the second time.

 

I don't think she is doing it for the right reasons, but she says I can't make anymore decisions for her.

 

We have been through utter hell. After our children died we sat at rock bottom for a long time. Somehow our marriage survived, as individual people, not so much. My wife shut down but fared better than I did. I avoided the problem and created a new problem by sleeping with prostitutes daily for years. Telling my wife what I had done to her, myself, our marriage was sickening. Admitting it to myself, strangers online, therapists was nothing compared to looking her in the eye and telling her. She was already destroyed once and I caused more destruction. Because I hadn't already destroyed her enough last month she found out that she is HIV positive, which meant I was as well. She is completely disgusted in me and herself. Last week she was hospitalized for 'suicide watch'.

 

I think she wants to reconcile because she feels stuck not because she really wants to. She won't admit that. Therapists lean on the side of letting her make her own choices. Is that right even when they are clearly the wrong choices? She thinks her life is over so she might as well die with me (her words). She also says life is cruel and there is no point to fight it.

 

I would love to have her by my side but I've done too much damage to her. She's 32 years old and I've destroyed her. I didn't think it was possible to ever get as low as we were when our kids died but we've nearly hit it. I don't want to drag her down with me anymore. I was accepted into an inpatient program, though I can't start for another month. Part of me hopes that she will take that space and move on. The other part worries day and night that she will harm herself.

 

When I say to our therapists "what do I do" the response is always the same "you let her decide". I don't know if I can do that.

[S2B]

I'm glad you're seeking professional help.

 

What have you changed about yourself along the way through therapy?

 

Go to inpatient - don't make any long term decisions until after the treatment concludes.

 

Give your wife space to decide for herself - that's called respect.

[tinkerbell16]

The timeline is unclear to me, that is, how long ago you started this behavior vs. when the children died, i.e., whether it was a reaction to losing your children, or if that tragedy came later. Either way, it sounds a little like a cliche, but with so much of your life destroyed, is it possible you're subconsciously trying to destroy the rest of it? Or are you punishing your wife for what you perceive as her part in this?

 

You guys have been through so much, it seems inconceivable that whatever you say to each other now could hurt anything, especially if blame was thrown around. Maybe it's time to discuss whether or not staying married is helpful or hurtful to each of you. There's got to be some of both, as each of you has to be a reminder to the other of what happened.

 

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what it must be like.

 

If your wife wants to be with you please take the best care of her you possibly can. She is HIV positive because of your choices. In helping her and supporting her you will also heal.

Edited January 5, 2017 by tinkerbell16

[VeveCakes]

I can not believe you are both HIV positive now. I am so sorry. I lost an uncle to AIDS and it is not something anyone should have to live with. There are lots of good support groups out there for this, I suggest looking into it asap.

[dpass]

Having HIV isn't the death sentence that it use to be. With prompt and proper treatment a person with HIV has the same lifespan as someone without. Possibly longer because they are monitored much more closely. As well, your viral load could be undetectable and with proper medications, for both partners (HIV- and HIV+) the chance of transmission is extremely low (>1%).

 

Unfortunately here, who knows how long you both have had it. She is in shock. Her world was destroyed again, and again, and again. I'd guess she feels stuck to you because of the HIV, I've know 2 people like that. They thought they were loveable and no one would ever want them or even want to be near them out of fear. So they stayed with the person who infected them, until they became confident again and educated. Both have the go-ahead from their doctors to have unprotected sex with their spouses, as long as they and their partner stays on their meds.

 

If you and your wife haven't been to a specialist yet, do it. Push to get a fast appointment. If there is any luck to be had here, it's that you recently became infected.