Can a Woman be a Happy Other?

[Chica80]

Those just look like 2 sides of the same coin. All lies are designed to manipulate and self protect to some degree. It is their nature.

 

One thing I've always wondered though is why some women tend to fall for the "my wife and I are just room mates" line. Do they end up sleeping with the guy out of pity, or is it something they use to justify sleeping with a married person? At what point do they recognize that this is a lie?

 

Because I think many times the MOW, IS in this type of marraige so she believes if her marraige is that way. His must be too....

 

As for a single OW, they think oh here is this wonderful man how can anyone treat him this way, how can he have such a "cold" unloving wife. I'm going to take "care of him"

 

These marraiges do exist or you wouldn't have the "not tonight I have a headache" I hear women, married complaining their husband coming on to them too much or their husband wanting to go out for a date night.....it happens....

[BuddyX]

Let me simplify, it for all women out there. A guy wants to get paid and wants to get laid. If he has a good job and his wife is giving him some loving, he'll be happy as a clamb.

 

Now, there are outliers. Guys who have everything but still stray. Again, Those are outliers. And personally, they're addicts.

[BTDT2012]

Let me simplify, it for all women out there. A guy wants to get paid and wants to get laid. If he has a good job and his wife is giving him some loving, he'll be happy as a clamb.

 

Now, there are outliers. Guys who have everything but still stray. Again, Those are outliers. And personally, they're addicts.

 

This is interesting to me. My W's affair began when he was laid off.

[aileD]

This is interesting to me. My W's affair began when he was laid off.

 

I think he's saying that if he has a good job and his wife is giving loving (read: sex)he's not going to cheat.

 

Cheating does tend to happen when life puts us in stressful situations. Your husband was laid off , maybe feeling pity for himself, not feeling like a great man or a good provider....and wham along comes little miss "you're amazing!! You are perfect!".

 

 

And WEAK

[msoptimistic]

Been out of pocket for a bit but I see there is a discussion about an otherwise sensible woman falling for the obvious lies of a MM. Although its not logical, the sense of euphoria of hearing a man you believe yourself to be in love with tell you that he feels the same for you leads you to believe because you want to believe so very badly. That even though he is married to another woman, you are the last one he thinks of at night and the first person he thinks of each morning. In the midst of the fog there are moments of clarity but you have to keep telling yourself to listen to your mind and not your heart. The longer the A continues, the more the lies come to life then the natural progression to growing tired of being made a fool begins to get old and the decline begins. Slowly but surely the doubts creep in and grow and if you follow this discussion board, you get a healthy dose of just how misguided your thoughts actually are. But still you have to let go of a dream. A dream that was doomed from the start, but hard to let go of no matter how this person treared you.

 

Its pretty easy to look at other peoples faults and criticize them for being so gullible. Its a very different story when you fall before you even realize you are on the slippery slope.

[Poppy47]

Been out of pocket for a bit but I see there is a discussion about an otherwise sensible woman falling for the obvious lies of a MM. Although its not logical, the sense of euphoria of hearing a man you believe yourself to be in love with tell you that he feels the same for you leads you to believe because you want to believe so very badly. That even though he is married to another woman, you are the last one he thinks of at night and the first person he thinks of each morning. In the midst of the fog there are moments of clarity but you have to keep telling yourself to listen to your mind and not your heart. The longer the A continues, the more the lies come to life then the natural progression to growing tired of being made a fool begins to get old and the decline begins. Slowly but surely the doubts creep in and grow and if you follow this discussion board, you get a healthy dose of just how misguided your thoughts actually are. But still you have to let go of a dream. A dream that was doomed from the start, but hard to let go of no matter how this person treared you.

 

 

 

Its pretty easy to look at other peoples faults and criticize them for being so gullible. Its a very different story when you fall before you even realize you are on the slippery slope.

 

I have to see this is the best summation of an A I have read. Thank you.

[msoptimistic]

You know, MM in an A never cease to amaze me. Then again MOW like myself never cease to amaze me either --- me included. Would you all believe that MM called me yesterday to say Good Morning (from a number I didn't recognize) then proceeded to ask me if I think about him as much as he thinks about me? What? But wait, it gets better...stupid me actually went and looked at their FB page where there was a pic of him and BW at their baby shower!!! So, in one week, baby shower with W and telling me that I am the first thing he thinks about every single morning and if i knew how much he thinks about me during the day then I'd be amazed --- and how hurt he was when I said I was working very hard to keep him out of my mind at all....and besides all that, why did I even give him the satisfaction of carrying on a conversation? I swear it feels like 2 steps forward and 15 steps back

[Deidre]

It's not mind boggling when you research and get to know the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. Sounds like he is a narcissist, they live dual lives, they lie all the time, they false flatter people to keep them around, and cheat. The reason it's important to do some research and understand this, as opposed to just thinking that he's just an everyday jerk who happens to be married, is that they don't ever change. You're probably not the only one he's involved with, sadly...he probably sends that 'good morning' message to a few 'others.' I dated guys like this before, and they're all pretty much, the same.

 

My advice is to go completely NC...which means to block his number. That will be the only way to get this to stop...is you will have to stop it. Hope that you choose to go NC and live narcissist-free.

[Poppy47]

I have to echo what Deidre says.

 

Never, ever be amazed at what a narcissist will do. He is maintaining his connection with you and trying to make you feel special. It's his way of controlling you.

 

It takes very little of his time to assure you that you are special. Bet he calls his wife several times a day too.

 

Get rid of him. He is a twisted and destructive . Please do some reading on the Narcissist. It will frighten the bejesus out of you.

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

UGH sometimes they are like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe you just can't get the s** unstuck.

 

Tell him if he contacts you again you will make his wife aware. Sometimes you have to get nasty to get him away from you. I am sure initially it feels good in some sort of way to know he is thinking about you but truly, like you said, it sets you back more than anything.

 

Do what you can to make sure he has no desire to reach out to you again.

[Ahurtgirl]

I have to echo what Deidre says.

 

Never, ever be amazed at what a narcissist will do. He is maintaining his connection with you and trying to make you feel special. It's his way of controlling you.

 

It takes very little of his time to assure you that you are special. Bet he calls his wife several times a day too.

 

Get rid of him. He is a twisted and destructive . Please do some reading on the Narcissist. It will frighten the bejesus out of you.

Poppy.

 

Once you get completely out of the affair and can look back at the situation, you will realize that everything he said to you was only to keep you in his web of disception. Imagine him as the big black spider and you are stuck in his web. He has all the control and you are at his mercy. Get out now while you are still able to see that the things he is saying to you are not true feelings but just a form of trying to manipulate you with his charm.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Some back round info please? You are still marred and your husband does not know about your adultery? If he does not know are you willing to risk him finding out? If you are willing to risk it I suggest writing a complete timeline with many descriptions of places you been, dates where you went, physical activities engaged in and his comments about his wife. Then save it.

 

If he reaches out again your reply will be sending the document you write with a note "NC means NC stay away next time you attempt to write or speak with me your spouse will recieve this note. Any contact including just to discuss this. So just go."

[jennifernyc84]

I fell the same sometimes. 2 steps forward then 15 back. But the only thing the slip ups do is cause the hurt sand feeling to last longer. It's better to not even reply, or check his fb, or instagram, whatever place it is you use to keep tabs on him. The only thing it does is hurt you more.

 

Also, stop fearing that hurt. Don't be afraid of the hurt. It has to hurt in order for it to heal. Talking to him, checking his profile, looking for updates, giving him a chance to put his heart out...it's all causing you more pain.

 

My MM told me just days before our breakup that he couldn't imagine a life without me. I gave him another chance only to be broken up with 2 days later!!!! How's that for a slap in the face.

 

Don't be afraid. Stop looking for updates.

 

Good luck and I wish you the best!

[msoptimistic]

I have seen that term "narcissist" more in the past couple of weeks than ever before. And I have read quite a bit on it. I may have dismissed it too quickly because i really didnt see MM in what I read. However, after reading your comments, I believe I'll go back and read some more. The whole pregnancy thing is what really opened my eyes to what type of man he must be to have a pregnant W who is half his age and telling me all these lies at the same time. Also the A had gone on so long that it was beginning to fade on its own. But the closer the delivery date gets, the more he is turning up the romance. Crazy!

 

Yes, I am M and H does know about MM and the A. Well he knows as much as he wants to because I told him I would provide whatever details he wanted and I have answered his questions.

 

I dont feel I should threaten with telling W till the baby comes. I hope he knows that even if I am sorry enough to be involved in an A that I wouldnt risk any harm to the baby. Although I have been thinking again about how she may deserve to know more. She is so young to be where she is in life and not know what she is dealing with.

 

I do try to embrace the pain. It helps to be at a point that my head overrules my heart more often than not. I talk to myself regularly (I hope not to the point that its out loud!) about time and space to heal with NC being crucial. I am doing fairly well and I answered because he used one of those apps with disposable numbers so you cant block it. I dont routinely check up on him and I am working very hard to rebuild with the hubby. Just these darn setbacks and I am all about a person's voice and hearing his set me off.

 

I almost feel like hes panicking about becoming a dad at his age and wondering if she'll keep him around when shes changing a baby's diapers and wondering when she'll have to start changing his! I think I may be his emergency backup plan!

[jah526]

Would you all believe that MM called me yesterday to say Good Morning (from a number I didn't recognize)

 

Not judging, just curious... why don't people change their contact info? I mean, I know it's a pain to have to notify everyone of a new phone number, but if you really, truly don't want someone to contact you, isn't this the easiest way? I finally decided I had to bite the bullet and do that, and it has given me a lot of security knowing that he can't get into my head anymore.

[Lady2163]

Let me simplify, it for all women out there. A guy wants to get paid and wants to get laid. If he has a good job and his wife is giving him some loving, he'll be happy as a clamb.

 

Now, there are outliers. Guys who have everything but still stray. Again, Those are outliers. And personally, they're addicts.

 

This is a little too simplified. ExMM was getting paid and was get laid. The sex was very vanilla and maybe only 1-2 times a month, but it was still there. Since we carried on for many years and we're kind to each other and genuine friends, I think he needed more than just sex and an income.

[malvern99]

Not judging, just curious... why don't people change their contact info? I mean, I know it's a pain to have to notify everyone of a new phone number, but if you really, truly don't want someone to contact you, isn't this the easiest way? I finally decided I had to bite the bullet and do that, and it has given me a lot of security knowing that he can't get into my head anymore.

 

The most obvious answer is most often the right answer. People don't cut the cord because they don't want to slam the door shut on the A for whatever reason. A remorseful wandering spouse will slam the door shut in a heart beat and never look back. The pain they witness on DDay is often enough to keep the door shut. The wandering spouse just going through the motions though keeps the door open just in case, and the truly sad thing about those situations is the fact that by keeping the door open they are just robbing themselves and their spouses of any chance of true healing or any chance of true happiness.

[BuddyX]

This is a little too simplified. ExMM was getting paid and was get laid. The sex was very vanilla and maybe only 1-2 times a month, but it was still there. Since we carried on for many years and we're kind to each other and genuine friends, I think he needed more than just sex and an income.

 

You're kidding right? 2 a month?

My best friend has what I consider a solid marriage (10 years, 2 young kids). There are weekends where he declines a boys night out because his wife wants to give him some lovin'

 

And the reason she sets aside nights for lovin' is according to her "because if it's not me it can be someone else".

 

Marriage is work. And "Vanilla" is being lazy.

 

How many times you read on this forum a guy say "sex sex sex. All this sex from my wife, I can only take so much, let me find another sex partner"?

Edited January 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[ShatteredLady]

You're kidding right? 2 a month?

My best friend has what I consider a solid marriage (10 years, 2 young kids). There are weekends where he declines a boys night out because his wife wants to give him some lovin'

 

And the reason she sets aside nights for lovin' is according to her "because if it's not me it can be someone else".

 

Marriage is work. And "Vanilla" is being lazy.

 

How many times you read on this forum a guy say "sex sex sex. All this sex from my wife, I can only take so much, let me find another sex partner"?

 

 

You're missing a different kind of ego. 12 years ago my husband worked for a very social company. We were friends with some single guys who all fancied this coworker of his after she became single. I knew that even his married friend (who's wife hadn't relocated yet) was helping her with her evening school as 'friends'. She was at his house a lot & he dreweled about her even to ME!

 

She liked my husband. She even told me how special he was being English in America. What could be more of an ego boost than showing all the guys that he was 'the man' who could get the girl? Ugh!

 

"Sex sex sex. All this sex from my wife, I can only take so much..." but imagine if I could pull the hot secretary too!!!

Edited January 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BuddyX]

You're missing a different kind of ego. 12 years ago my husband worked for a very social company. We were friends with some single guys who all fancied this coworker of his after she became single. I knew that even his married friend (who's wife hadn't relocated yet) was helping her with her evening school as 'friends'. She was at his house a lot & he dreweled about her even to ME!

 

She liked my husband. She even told me how special he was being English in America. What could be more of an ego boost than showing all the guys that he was 'the man' who could get the girl? Ugh!

 

"Sex sex sex. All this sex from my wife, I can only take so much..." but imagine if I could pull the hot secretary too!!!

 

You're talking about an outlier.

Usually there's a pattern, i.e. My spouse is my roommate. He/she is drifting apart, etc...

 

Affairs happen over a period of time. There are red flags.

 

What I'm trying to say, no guy who's "take care of" wakes up one day and says "you know what would complete my perfect marriage right now? An affair"

 

But yes, there are scum out there, who should not be in a Monogamous relationship.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You're talking about an outlier.

Usually there's a pattern, i.e. My spouse is my roommate. He/she is drifting apart, etc...

 

Affairs happen over a period of time. There are red flags.

 

What I'm trying to say, no guy who's "take care of" wakes up one day and says "you know what would complete my perfect marriage right now? An affair"

 

But yes, there are scum out there, who should not be in a Monogamous relationship.

 

Sorry for the t/J but wouldn't this be like saying NO woman whose husband provides her with the correct amount of emotional connection and support would cheat?

 

I am guessing I am reading into this incorrectly but it feels like you are saying as long as the wife is putting out the husband stays and all is good so it is the wife's fault if the husband strays.

 

A lot of times on this board it feels like if the wife cheats she is a terrible horrible person but if the husband cheats- well he is a man and needs to get it together come home and man up...

 

There are many reasons women don't sex it up with their husbands all the time and usually it begins with a loss of emotional connection and communication somewhere in the marriage. Basically saying the issues run deeper than the man not getting sex and the woman not putting out. What I am saying is if the man would communicate and take the time to emotionally invest in their wives then the women would get down and dirty and all would be happy. But unfortunately we all know on this isn't the case and this isn't The Brady Bunch- there are issues and well.. we know the rest.

[BuddyX]

^^

Agree. We're both right. I have no respect for cheaters period. Male or female.

 

But you have to understand that we, males communicate differently. Sex to us is intimacy. While, kisses, hugs, etc is what women want in a relationship. What I'm referring to is a balance for both parties.

 

That being said, read enough stories where the woman did not feel close to her husband so she shut off sex. What? How does that solve anything? That's punishing both parties. But on the flip side, if a hubby doesn't get sex once in a while, he shouldn't b*tch and moan. Trust me, there are quite a few exhilarating activities that are as fulfilling as sex.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry for the t/J but wouldn't this be like saying NO woman whose husband provides her with the correct amount of emotional connection and support would cheat?

 

I am guessing I am reading into this incorrectly but it feels like you are saying as long as the wife is putting out the husband stays and all is good so it is the wife's fault if the husband strays.

 

A lot of times on this board it feels like if the wife cheats she is a terrible horrible person but if the husband cheats- well he is a man and needs to get it together come home and man up...

 

There are many reasons women don't sex it up with their husbands all the time and usually it begins with a loss of emotional connection and communication somewhere in the marriage. Basically saying the issues run deeper than the man not getting sex and the woman not putting out. What I am saying is if the man would communicate and take the time to emotionally invest in their wives then the women would get down and dirty and all would be happy. But unfortunately we all know on this isn't the case and this isn't The Brady Bunch- there are issues and well.. we know the rest.

 

Yep I wish I could like this a million times, I am so tired of men who think this way!

[mightycpa]

To answer your original question, yes. I once "dated" a woman for about 3 years. She owned a travel agency, was very busy and didn't have a lot of time for traditional dating. Plus, she traveled a lot on weekends. Still, she was a young woman with needs, and one night, we met up on a trip and I fulfilled those needs. She made me an offer that I found irresistible and I began to see her most Monday nights. We'd play tennis, grab a bite to eat, go back to her place, take a shower sometimes and always have sex. I never saw her other than that, and we didn't really communicate during the week unless it was to cancel for Monday. No birthdays, holidays, none of that stuff. I also dated other women in a more traditional sense all the while, so I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

 

It ended when I moved. Neither of us were particularly broken up about it, and I think it could have gone on for at least a few more years, but for the logistics problem. I don't know about "happy", but I think she was more than satisfied with the arrangement.

 

It's really all about your attitude and what you want. What do you want?

[Jersey born raised]

HCBM,

 

I am not sure how to respond to your last post. As a guy I can tell you while my intial reaction to a woman engaging in adultery is disgust but towards a man engaging in adultery more towards hatred. Single guys towards single girls just disgust.

 

Marriage has so many moving parts, so many hidden assumptions that it is easy to lose tract of romance. I recalled reading years ago the biggest mistake couples make is not realize the quality of their children's home life was based on the quality of the relationship between the parents. I think in a nuance way this is true.