Crush on Doctor - Does he feel the same? [Update: Jan 2019 - Doc brushed me off]

[ja123]

In fact, physicians have been sued for failing to refer to patients to specialists in situations they’re not competent in treating.

 

Of Competence and Referrals: When a Doctor?s Failure to Refer a Patient to another Physician Constitutes Malpractice? | Bill of Health

 

Wow, JuneL... you must be a lawyer or something. You have a knack for finding laws, cases, etc. Impressive.

 

So, in my case, the doc would've committed malpractice by taking me off my meds.

 

In spite of my burgeoning feelings, I knew he was wrong and asked for a psych.

[ja123]

He may be some kind of related specialist in his country, but he doesn’t have a phychiatrist license in your country.

 

You're right. This is absolutely true.

[ja123]

I wish an Israeli lady would flirt with me, except they only date Jews

 

My Israeli friend dates all nationalities. She's an artist and free-spirit and very, very intelligent.

[JuneL]

Wow, JuneL... you must be a lawyer or something. You have a knack for finding laws, cases, etc. Impressive.

 

So, in my case, the doc would've committed malpractice by taking me off my meds.

 

In spite of my burgeoning feelings, I knew he was wrong and asked for a psych.

 

No, not a lawyer

[whichwayisup]

 

What about HIS boundaries??? He was the care provider and self-proclaimed healer therapist to begin with, don't forget.

 

Then FIRE him and find someone else! Otherwise you two might end up on the news like this Dr and her patient *see link below* Your Dr deserves to have his licence taken away, I'm sure you're not the only patient he does this to.

 

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/01/23/toronto-doctor-stripped-of-licence-after-panel-hears-she-had-sex-with-cancer-patient-in-his-hospital-bed.html

[JuneL]

OP:

 

I saw that you’re starting to get upset at the doctor, now that he’s acting distant. But it’s not unlikely he’ll be back to his personable self again next time. While I think he could have used better judgment and set better boundaries, I don’t believe he intentionally led you on in the romantic or sexual sense. I think this is the best timing for you to quit him, seriously.

 

We’ve seen so many cases in which a patient turned around and accused the doctor of abusing his power once things turned sour, even though the patient was the one who made the romantic or sexual advance first. Although the doctor has much more to lose, I think it says a lot more about the character of such a patient.

[TooBad]

Your Dr deserves to have his licence taken away, I'm sure you're not the only patient he does this to.

 

 

 

And yet, again… She might be the only patient who perceives his 'actions' this way...

[JuneL]

Another thought. This physician is from another country, and what he’s been doing could be closer to the norm in his home country. I get the impression the US is particularly strict about regulating physicians; not sure about Canada though...

[pepperbird]

Another thought. This physician is from another country, and what he’s been doing could be closer to the norm in his home country. I get the impression the US is particularly strict about regulating physicians; not sure about Canada though...

 

 

It may vary by province, but I know that the rules are very strict.

 

 

This is what makes me think a lot of this relationship may exist only in the op';s mind. she seems very invested in his being interested in her...she may be a wonderful person, but I don't think he'd consider her worth risking his career over.

[ja123]

Thank you for your input... I will write more later as I'm working right now.

[BaileyB]

Another thought. This physician is from another country, and what he’s been doing could be closer to the norm in his home country. I get the impression the US is particularly strict about regulating physicians; not sure about Canada though...

 

Canada is also very strict. There was an article on the news today about an oncologist in Toronto who lost her license because she had a sexual relationship with a patient and continued to treat him. It’s definitely not permitted.

 

The laws may be more lax in other countries, but if this physician is practicing in Canada then he would be required to follow the code of conduct here or he will lose his license. There are no special exceptions for physicians trained in other countries...

[Garcon1986]

No matter how much we think our patients are cute, the law says we can't lay any hands on them. Just today my patient who was post heart surgery was exposing her breasts while declaring in front of her mom that she's no longer modest. Society expects a higher degree of conformity and professionalism - you can lose your job over a facebook post, a picture placed in bad humor, saying stuff bad about your employer no matter how accurate it may be - we are expected to be on our utmost best behavior at all times. My own previous graduate school called me to the supervisor's office the very next day because they were monitoring my facebook account, where I posted a particularly exasperating situation with a patient. You don't have this stuff in the world of nuclear physics or computer science. With awesome privilege comes reams and reams of rules to abide by. Most doctors have some level of the "fear of God" against their licensing boards so nobody does anything too cavalier.

 

ja123 can find plenty of hot middle eastern guys elsewhere looking for casual relationships, or be like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and be a badass woman who doesn't care what anybody else thinks

[JuneL]

Canada is also very strict. There was an article on the news today about an oncologist in Toronto who lost her license because she had a sexual relationship with a patient and continued to treat him. It’s definitely not permitted.

 

The laws may be more lax in other countries, but if this physician is practicing in Canada then he would be required to follow the code of conduct here or he will lose his license. There are no special exceptions for physicians trained in other countries...

 

What that Toronto oncologist did was outrageous: having sex with a cancer patient in his hospital bed while the patient was there for treatment. I can’t imagine any country would tolerate such hideous behavior!

 

For sure there won’t be special treatment for physicians trained in other countries, or else they wouldn’t be required to get a license in the country/state/province he’s practicing. But I think the OP’s physician is used to be a little too personable with his patients. I remember that in my middle school, there was this girl who had a big crush on a young male teacher. The teacher probably knew, as he would refuse to accept this girl’s holiday card, even though it’s not uncommon for kids to write holiday cards to their favorite teachers! Thinking back, this teacher was smart in taking precautions.

Edited January 25, 2019 by JuneL

[BaileyB]

Agreed June, outrageous.

 

There are always people who cross the line - doctors, teachers, nurses who get their incompacitated patient pregnant! But any competent professional is well aware of their professional responsibilities and not usually very willing to engage in behavior that could put their license and how they make their living at risk.

 

I’m not saying the doctor here has not been flirty or inappropriate. We can’t possibly know, particularly because we have only one side of the story and that reporter clearly has a vested interest in the situation and some admitted mental health problems. I’d like to think that this doctor is behaving professionally. I’ve not been encouraging OP because she has some (much) responsibility in the situation and the only person she controls is herself. Nothing can happen here that is inappropriate if she is not behaving inappropriately.

[pepperbird]

She can also take along a trusted friend or relative to her appointments. It's a good idea to do that anyway, just because it can be helpful to have a second set of ears taking in the information provided.

 

 

 

With mental health care, practitioners have to be especially careful, as they often have to get into some very personal areas to ferret out the root of someone's illness.

[anika99]

<snip> My own previous graduate school called me to the supervisor's office the very next day because they were monitoring my facebook account, where I posted a particularly exasperating situation with a patient. You don't have this stuff in the world of nuclear physics or computer science. <snip>

 

Well I'm glad you were called on the carpet for talking about a patient on Facebook. That's extremely unprofessional even if you never named the patient, and if you think only doctors or people in other privileged positions have to abide by those kind of rules you couldn't be more wrong. I work in a mid level job. Pays well but doesn't require any impressive degrees and I have seen coworkers be disciplined and even terminated over Facebook posts. Negative comments on Facebook about the company, clients or coworkers is not tolerated. Doesn't matter if we don't mention names.

Also what do you mean when you say your heart surgery was "exposing her breasts"? Does a heart surgery patient not need to disrobe their upper body in order to be examined?

 

OP I think your doctor was unprofessional. I don't think he ever intended to have an affair with you but he still crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed. Also agree that he has no business treating your mental health issues, however you are no innocent snowflake either. We have been telling you for ages that this doctor/patient relationship is not healthy so can't claim to be some poor naive damsel now. You have actually been very calculated in some of your actions to get this doctor's attention.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JuneL]

I think Anika made very balanced points. I was also wondering if nuclear physicists and computer scientists are allowed to lay hands on a girl’s exposed breasts, sick or not

[Garcon1986]

So the circumstances were I was checking her postoperatively after heart surgery, and she immediately said "I'm not modest anymore, don't worry about it" while she was sliding her gown apart. My answer to that was to tie her gown up and just check the parts that were needed, with a chaperone.

 

As for the frustrations with patients - I've since learned to let people who don't want to be adults alone to do their own thing, if they choose to fall flat on their face, then they understand the risks of doing so. You still legally have to put up a vigorous fight if any parent chooses to willfully damage the health of their child - I typically put up my point of view and share with them how the family can gain from listening to my advice, rather than putting it in a patronizing tone. I let them win on some points (i.e. pharmaceutical companies are selling vaccines just for the cash), so they don't feel like they've been intellectually cut out. You win most and you lose some.

If I have a beef with my colleagues, I tell them in person. I've learned a lot since the beginning of trainee days =)

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[AngelLove]

Other than him not willing to to engage in something that could put is license at risk, Have you considered that he is happy married and he isn't intrested in having an affair?

 

You seem to forget the married part. It's lose lose situation. Time to switch doctors and move on with your life

[JuneL]

Thank you for your input... I will write more later as I'm working right now.

 

I think that almost every single angle has been looked at in this thread. I hope you come back to respond to us.

[JuneL]

@Anika:

If you don’t mind, can you elaborate on where you saw her being “very calculated in some of your actions to get this doctor's attention”? Just curious...

[JuneL]

OP: Any updates? Seems that I’m the most interested in your story

[ja123]

Health-wise, the biopsy showed changes in the epithelial cells, but it's not yet cancer or dysplasia. Which is excellent news.

 

The bad news is that I might have to have another biopsy where there was candidiasis. I'll find out mid-August.

 

As for news with my doc. I have been back to see him. He treats me extremely coldly now and doesn't even offer to take my blood pressure. He has nothing but disdain for me. The social worker said that was unprofessional of him, and that he was probably too close to me, and lacking boundaries (as was I) for us to resume a healthy patient-doc relationship.

 

I called the gov't number to put my name on the list for a new doc, but I'm disqualified from doing so as I already have a doc. With over 50 000 people on the wait list for doctors, it's not so easy to find one, as I'm sure you can appreciate.

 

So, last Friday, I met with a couple of people who are involved with the community to see if our community can address the doctor shortage by aiding in the recruitment process.

 

My doc isn't happy about the pressures of being only one of two docs in the community now and he said he's upset with the gov't that they won't let him practice his specialty, but he has to stay as a family doc.

 

On my end, all warm feelings for him are gone. I may see him and the other community doc to engage their ideas in the recruitment of doctors, but that remains to be seen.

 

Also, he said about my psych to not let anyone come between the trust we've built up together. He said he spoke to the psych twice regarding my case and the psych "has a lot of information on me." The tone the doc used to say this sounded like a scare tactic. I responded that nothing but the psych himself could shake my trust, and he's a very good psychiatrist and that I should know as I have a PhD in Depression. Doc was quiet when I said that.

 

So, whatever ... if I can't find another doc, then I'll have to see him, but it's really over.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

With all the doctor shortages, you could be from my Canadian province...it's just a bad here.

 

If you truly believe your doctor acted inappropriately, do you feel he is also acting this way with his other patients? If so, report him.

[ja123]

With all the doctor shortages, you could be from my Canadian province...it's just a bad here.

 

If you truly believe your doctor acted inappropriately, do you feel he is also acting this way with his other patients? If so, report him.

 

Pepperbird, I'm in Canada, too and moved to this province from another one and there were doctor shortages in both places.

 

I'm reticent to report him, as I bear no ill-will, it is or was what it was. I don't think he's treating other patients like this. I think he had a thing for me as I did for him and it's long over.

 

If I were to tell my psych everything, it would perhaps affect my doc's professional standing at least in the psych's eyes. And this is not my intention.

 

I'd just like to be able to get another doc.