Wife wants to separate

[PegNosePete]

making this house hers isn't an option for her.

OH REALLY? Did a lawyer tell you this? Has she seen a lawyer? How would you know if she had seen a lawyer??? She hid her loss of feelings from you for 3 years, don't you think it would be very easy for her to hide a simple quick lawyer appointment?

 

Do. Not. Leave. The. House.

 

Stop making excuses for why you should be the one to be kicked out of YOUR home. Work schedules whatever. She thinks just because she has lost feelings for you, she can put you out the door like a cat. You have done nothing wrong here. If SHE wants "space" then SHE can leave.

 

Rather than leaving, as another poster suggested, set up another bedroom so you can sleep apart. But SHE can have the air mattress or the sofa or whatever. She is the one who doesn't want to work on the marriage, who has lost feelings, who has been emotionally cheating and who will most likely be jumping into bed with a variety of new men over the next few months to test-drive her brand new sexy body. So SHE can have the sofa.

 

Dude sorry you need to wake up and smell the coffee here. Playing the lost love sick puppy dog will not work in your favour at all. You are being manipulated and moulded into a schmuck so that she can have her way. You need to pull your finger out, stand up, and start saying NO. As another poster suggested download and read No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

And see a lawyer. TODAY!

Edited November 16, 2016 by PegNosePete

[BuddyX]

You're not worried about her current affair? Really, then you also have given up on the marriage.

 

She asked you to go to IC, you said no. It was her way of saying, "Come and protect me. I don't trust myself"

 

Not sure where you are in life, but 180 only works if you're serious about it. If she's asking for space, she wants to screw the other guy and have you on the sideline. Personally, I would tell her "Here are the bags. Please leave. You'll get divorce papers in the mail".

[Shard]

I want to say I understand how you feel. My wife had an emotional affair with another man after claiming I didn't fulfill her emotional needs.

 

But I want to point out and it took me a while to really understand this. This isn't your fault. Problems in your marriage are 50% your fault but for her to bring another man into your marriage. Either it be emotional, physical or even just to have phone sex with. She is 100% at fault for that. So any blame you might take for her cheating or crossing some serious boundaries just stop. This is all on her.

 

Also don't do the pick me dance. I tried that. For a few months, before and after confronting her about her affair I tried to nice her back. I tried to do nice things for her and all it did is push her further away. I looked desperate. I finally just stopped and realized. I didn't step out of the marriage so why am I doing all the leg work to keep it together.

 

Another thing, don't move out of your house. BY doing this you are giving her all the power. If it hasn't sunken in yet. She is in the wrong. She is the one who wants the separation. My wife told me she wanted me to move out so she can figure out what she wants. I told her if she wants to separate so badly, she can leave the house because I wasn't. If you leave, you are giving her opportunity to continue to cheat without you there. She is also putting you in a situation that makes you look like you are abandoning your children and I wouldn't be surprised if she goes to court for primarily custody, temporary spousal support and child support. But if a seperation is what you want and you would be willing to move out, make sure to talk to a lawyer to learn your rights and don't move out without a court order. So I'd talk to a lawyer to learn your rights.

 

And lastly, this had been told to me over and over again. You got to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. And even then it might not be salvageable anyway.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Shard

[KimJ1234]

You mentioned this is all happening so fast but not for her. She started feeling hurt and disconnected when you refused to go to counseling with her.

She felt that you didn't care about the marriage or her well being. That's when she started to pull away from you.

Hindsight is a bitch but you can learn from it. It may be too late to connect with her though. She found that connection with someone else.

Don't move out, stay strong for the kids. Let them know you're a constant in their lives.

[howtoproceed]

I think your wife is in a fog.

I'm fascinated by the whole "fog" thing.

I'm convinced my wife goes in and out of them all the time.

[oldshirt]

We were blessed with a son in April of 2009 and things had been great...or so I thought...

 

 

she has killed it and has lost nearly 125 lbs. in less than 2 years. She has felt more confident in herself and is starting to feel beautiful, which is great.

 

Over the last 3 years of her attending IC, she has asked me to attend with her on a few occasions. I always refused, stating my dislike of therapists and thought they were a waste of time.

 

 

 

About 2 weeks ago, I logged on to Facebook, thinking it was my profile. She had left herself logged in and I didn't notice. There were some messages with another guy that started off innocent enough, and then crossed the line. She started telling him that she felt butterflies around him, thought he was very attractive and even exchanged phone numbers so as to possible meet up for lunch behind my back.

 

 

I confronted her that evening and she didn't try to hide or deny it. She said she felt a deep connection with this guy (she had literally met him for 30 mins at our daughter's cheer practice the week before, and then spent 6 hours sending messages on FB). It didn't make sense to me.

 

 

She said that she had been wrestling with these thoughts (leaving me) for the better part of the 3 years and that meeting this guy had given her the courage to speak up.

 

 

 

 

At the marriage counseling session, she told me she wanted to separate. She said she had never felt so sure about a decision.

 

We are currently still living in our house together and sleeping in the same bed (King size, opposite sides). It is daily torture for me to see her and not be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, tell her how sorry I am and how much I care.

 

 

 

I realize this has been a long time coming for her, but in my mind, this has all happened in 14 days. Three weeks ago, I had a wife, kids, etc. and everything was ok. Now my whole world has been torn down. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. She seems so at peace with this and so calm.

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

There is a lot going on here. I will break this up into a number of posts.

 

I am going to be very blunt and tell it like it is. This is not to hurt your feelings or put you down but rather so you can wrap your head around the realities of the situation.

 

- Google "post gastric bypass affair" or "post gastric bypass divorce." You will quickly see that this is a real thing and quite common. Now that she is more attractive and desirable, she is going to have a lot more opportunities with other men. If she is now currently a lot more attractive than you comparatively, then you are in big big big trouble. If she now has opportunity with men that are better looking, more financially secure and more emotionally supportive, then you are going to simply get beat out by someone else.

 

- This has all occurred in the past 2 weeks for you and you are still in the shock and disbelief stage. She on the other hand has been disengaging and making exit strategies and for many years and is way ahead of you in her plans to move on.

 

- Do not dismiss the possibility that she and this OM have had sex. She will only admit to what you already know. Typicallly the BS only knows the very tip of the iceberg.

 

- I know you are in shock and disbelief that she could have feelings for a man she met for 30 minutes, but this is how affairs start. It is a real thing. She has been emotionally starved for years and has been disengaging from you for years so she was in a primed and ready state and this particular guy happened to activate her launch code and activated her long-dormant sexdrive. I personally know a couple in my personal life that met on a Friday night at their spouse's high school reunion and by Monday morning both announced to their spouses that they were leaving. All of us here on the forum can cite countless other examples of people meeting someone and are immediately involved in an affair.

 

- that being said, she is probably being somewhat sincere that she knows this man is not "the one" and that anything further from it might not occur. However she has had an awakening inside of her and got that rush of hormones and feel-good chemicals and she wants to experience that again.

 

- She is also aware she does not feel that with you :-(

 

- and even if she does not pursue a relationship with this particular guy, it is just a matter of time before she meets another that also flips all of her switches.

 

- The other posters are correct, she wants to separate to have the freedom to be available for other men and other relationships. This whole thing about "missing you" is total BS and she is just saying that so that you continue to work with her and continue to be supportive.

 

- At best she is keeping you in reserve on the shelf in case things don't work out with some other guy. She may have lost a lot of weight and is attractive to other men now, but deep inside she is still the fat girl that was invisible to other men so her insecurities are making her want to keep you in reserve in case she can't get anything better.

 

- It will be up to you to decide if the pain and anguish of not having her love you along with the fear of starting anew will keep you on her leash and putting your own life on hold while you sit on the shelf in the warehouse waiting for her to "miss you" and come back or not. When the pain and anguish of being around her but not having a relationship with her exceeds your fear of starting anew, you will disengage and move on yourself.

 

- Children are not harmed by divorce. Everything you have heard from the church ladies is wrong. Children are harmed by abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism/drug addiction and chronic hostility/violence etc in the home. They are not harmed or damaged when they have two loving, supporting parents that are involved in their lives and who raise and take care of them, but happen to do it from two separate houses. Yes they may be inconvenienced by going from one house to next and having to figure out who is going to who's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, but they are not actually harmed or damaged by the divorce it'self when both parents remain loving, supporting and involved in their life.

[BTDT2012]

Don't move out. And see an attorney to find out your rights. It's not uncommon for women to be willing to leave their marriages after losing a large amount of weight.

[BluesPower]

You have already been weak and needy, so just stop it.

 

Next, you are a grown man with children. Did you know how to change a diaper before you had kids? Probably not, but you learned how.

 

So stop all of this wining about being scared, you will figure it out.

 

You need to ask your wife to leave the house, and tell her to go live with her BF while you file for divorce.

 

There might, might, be a small chance that this will wake her up, but probably not. Frankly, you kind of blew it buy not going to counseling when she asked. It may be too late.

 

But if you beg and plead you are going to make her want to throw up so just stop all that.

 

The thing to do now is protect yourself and your kids and let her go.

[oldshirt]

We all understand that you are shocked and are still in a state of disbelief and denial at the moment. We all understand that your initial response and instinct is to try to "save the marriage." And we understand that your initial instinct is to try to be 'nice' and accommodating and supportive so as to not make her mad and make her leave that much quicker. We get that.

 

HOWEVER, that is where people shoot themselves in the foot right off the bat.

 

Your first move here needs to be to accept that she is planning on leaving you and starting a new life without you. She has been planning on this for years and is starting to put her plan into action. while you are running around doing the "Pick-Me!! Dance" she is able to take her time and get all her ducks in a row at her leisure. She will have all her forces assembled and in place so that at her appointed hour she close the net and have you trapped.

 

There for it is highly critical that you get a lawyer NOW! and start preparing to defend yourself and protect your assets, properties and your relationship with your children.

 

You must seek immediate legal counsel so that she does not drain every penny of your joint accounts, retirement, investments etc and doesn't sell your house from under you, pack up the kids and head off to California to be with this dude or head off to parts unknown with some dude that she might meet today.

 

This will seem counterintuitive to you right now because you are focused on saving the marriage. You may think that will make her mad or hurt her feelings and make her more motivated to leave you.

 

That has to be a risk you must take. Your priority at this point is to arm yourself with knowledge and be ready, willing and able to keep her from skipping out of town with your kids and all of your resources.

 

I know you do not think she would do that, but 15 days ago you would not have thought that she would meet some army guy for 30 minutes and be sending him t!^^y pictures either.

 

You do not know what she is going to do next so you have to be prepared for her to do something crappy and you must be prepared to protect yourself.

 

This is real. This is not a bad dream. She can harm you very badly if you don't take steps to protect yourself and your assets.

 

Get a lawyer TODAY!

[oldshirt]

in regards to moving out of your house.

 

GET A LAWYER TODAY and let the lawyer guide you on that matter.

 

My input is if she is the one that is dissatisfied, is the one that "needs space" and she is the one that wants to get out from under the shackles of marriage and wants to live the free single life, then she needs to be the one that packs up her $h!t, finds a place to live, pays all the deposits and first months rent and services.

 

She needs to be the one that finds the movers and pays them out of her pocket. She's the one that hauls $h!t up the stairs to her 3rd floor apt and she is the one that has to kill the spiders and unclogs the toilet in her new place.

 

If she wants a new single life, then she needs to be the one to do all the heavy lifting and all the work to make it happen.

 

She is probably going to leave and divorce you and will probably have a new man in her life shortly. You probably are not going to be able to stop that. I am sorry that is the reality :-(

 

But there is no reason on God's green earth why you should assist, enable or support her in that endeavor in any fashion.

 

She is counting on you being so desperate to hold on to her and hold on to the marriage that you will be compliant, cooperative and enabling. She is counting on you doing the heavy lifting and you putting yourself out so she can have her safe place and have her quiet time for contemplation.

 

That's total BS. If she wants to separate and be a single woman, that is her prerogative. But there is no reason in hell why you should be supportive of that and help her or give her aid and comfort in any way to do so. If she wants to separate, she can find a place that she can afford on her income and she can pack and haul all her $h1t and she can find a way to get the kids picked up from school in the afternoon.

 

You have made your position clear that you do not want this separation, so there is no reason on God's Green Earth why you should support or assist it in any way.

 

You can't legally stop her from leaving. But there is no reason for you to be assisting her in any manner either. If she wants this - she does the work and expense.

[introverted1]

Why the new thread? The advice you received here stands.

[kesta86]

Why the new thread? The advice you received here stands.

 

I agree, and know that that advice stands. Just thought posting on a different discussion forum and a new thread might get me some different thoughts and perspective on the situation.

[BluesPower]

You should ask the mods to combine them.

 

In your situation you are going to get the same advice for the most part.

 

I hope you read all of oldshirt's post. He give really good thoughtful advice.

 

And, you do need to protect yourself now.

[Birdies]

This explanation of the "walk-away wife" could help you understand better. I agree with PP that while it seems like this is just 14 days old, it sounds like that for your wife, it's the culmination of many years of emotional neglect. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

[puppy1031]

Go read the pinned post "critical readings for separation and divorce" and the post about "the 180s".

[kesta86]

Found out tonight that she had re-friended the OM on Facebook. According to her, in her mind we are currently separated. There's no coming back for her. I told her that I respect her and her decision and that I am going to continue to see my IC to make these changes for myself.

 

We are going to stay living in the same house throughout the holidays for the kids. In January we will put the house up for sale and move forward with the divorce and separation. I still hold a glimmer of hope that at some point she will realize that she is making a mistake and come back to me. But at this point, I can't control her or her actions. I can only look out for myself and make these changes to make myself a better man.

 

I really wish that she would change your mind, but there's nothing I can do. In my mind, she has violated our marriage vows to be there for each other no matter what. Even if it's hard, even through the trouble times, we vowed to be there and be together. In my mind she's throwing it all away. It's almost like they never meant anything to her at all.

 

But, again, there's nothing I can do. In her mind we are separated. In her mind she can speak to whom she pleases and do what she pleases. I really wish she wouldn't be speaking or connecting with the OM at this point, but there's nothing I can do. I've decided to move on, make myself a better person, make myself a better father and be there for my kids.

 

I appreciate all you guys' advice. I will not be leaving the house in January. I will be moving to the basement starting tomorrow. This will begin our in house separation until we can figure out the selling of our house and our own personal living arrangements. Again, thank you everyone and I hope this comes to an amicable conclusion.

[Marc878]

Their is much you can do. Hard 180 and start living for yourself.

 

Cut her out as much as possible. It's in your best interest at this time.

[Marc878]

I don't get she cheats so you move to the basement? You should move all of her stuff out of the marital bedroom to the basement. She wants separation give it to her.

 

Quit living in fear of her.

[LancasterAmos1966]

kesta86....wow, I get a sad feeling just reading your post. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Many on this board have made it through the loss of a wife/husband, and are here to say you can make it through too.

 

I believe you made a good decision to move to a different location inside your house.

 

Since you are still emotionally connected but your wife has a head start on letting go, she could stay in the King bed and have zero problem with you on the other side suffering. She'd sleep like a baby, while you are tossing and turning.

 

Losing a beloved bride or groom is a shock to the emotional system. At least making a new bedroom is a step in the right direction towards letting go, and accepting that she wants a new chapter of life that does not include you.

 

You said it's almost like the wedding vows never meant anything to her at all -- it does seem like that, but I'm convinced she did love you for a period of time. It's just that she has decided to change her mind for now. I'm a big fan of letting go with love. And I can see that you are doing that.

 

Accept her decision without hating her and attempting to pay her back -- it will help you move forward with an attitude of love. And there's nothing wrong with having glimmer of hope. There are plenty of stories where the marriage ended without reconciliation BUT there are also many stories of where the partners wound up getting back together.

 

Your kids will learn a big lesson in this -- even when Dad doesn't get what he rightfully deserves, he doesn't punch holes in the wall or hurt mom. They will see you recover from the biggest loss in your life. And that is something they could never learn in a classroom.

 

Keep posting as you can....and remember that we are cheering you on to come out of this standing tall.

Edited November 17, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Pete2304]

Butterflies, I've come to hate that word. It was how I knew I was heading for a divorce no matter what I did. Once the butterflies come, it's a transition from an old relationship to a new and no matter what you do you can't stop that juggernaught. We've all had butterflies and you know yourself, once you get them you're nuts about that person.

 

You could cling on and beg and drag it out for a while longer and maybe even make her have some second thoughts but the wheels are in motion once the butterflies come.

 

I hope you keep posting and talking things through. It won't stop it hurting like hell but it does help to keep talking, trust me, I'm right where you are just four weeks further down the line.

 

Good luck

[PegNosePete]

I will be moving to the basement starting tomorrow.

What the hell man? Why are YOU the one moving to the basement like a scolded cat?? Stay in your nice warm bed. Tell her if she wants "space" then you've set up a mattress in the basement for her. She can stay or she can go. Her choice.

 

This will begin our in house separation until we can figure out the selling of our house and our own personal living arrangements

You need to SEE A LAWYER before you do that.

 

If you don't, you WILL regret it.

 

A lot of men feel they get screwed in divorce. The number 1 reason for that? They don't take proper legal advice. Don't be one of them.

[l8estnews]

Oh, please, Kesta. Listen to the advices here. It hurts to know that those people being wronged like this is letting themselves be trampled upon. I really don't want that to you.

 

Please get legal advice. Just.. please.

[kesta86]

kesta86....wow, I get a sad feeling just reading your post. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Many on this board have made it through the loss of a wife/husband, and are here to say you can make it through too.

 

I believe you made a good decision to move to a different location inside your house.

 

Since you are still emotionally connected but your wife has a head start on letting go, she could stay in the King bed and have zero problem with you on the other side suffering. She'd sleep like a baby, while you are tossing and turning.

 

Losing a beloved bride or groom is a shock to the emotional system. At least making a new bedroom is a step in the right direction towards letting go, and accepting that she wants a new chapter of life that does not include you.

 

You said it's almost like the wedding vows never meant anything to her at all -- it does seem like that, but I'm convinced she did love you for a period of time. It's just that she has decided to change her mind for now. I'm a big fan of letting go with love. And I can see that you are doing that.

 

Accept her decision without hating her and attempting to pay her back -- it will help you move forward with an attitude of love. And there's nothing wrong with having glimmer of hope. There are plenty of stories where the marriage ended without reconciliation BUT there are also many stories of where the partners wound up getting back together.

 

Your kids will learn a big lesson in this -- even when Dad doesn't get what he rightfully deserves, he doesn't punch holes in the wall or hurt mom. They will see you recover from the biggest loss in your life. And that is something they could never learn in a classroom.

 

Keep posting as you can....and remember that we are cheering you on to come out of this standing tall.

 

Thank you...I'm trying my best to let her go amicably and with love. I know that if I let her go with hate, then this will be even more painful for all involved, especially the kids.

 

I told her I cannot control her actions and if she wants to speak with this OM, that's her prerogative. I, too, don't believe in divorce for the same reason...Not religious, but I vowed to be with her until death do us part. She is not honoring those vows, and again, that's her choice. But I will not be the one to file divorce papers.

 

We had a long talk last night and she said she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be in the marriage. She doesn't want me out of her life, she wants me to be her friend and be there for her. We have been best friends for 12 years...This is going to take time and healing for me to get over. Like you mentioned, she is much further along in the process than I, so I have some catching up to do. We are going to live in the same house until we can work out the sale (probably when kids are done school/June) and then move into our own places.

 

Maybe down the road, or along this path she will realize what she's doing and throwing away and decide to make a go at it. Maybe she won't...but I know I'm going to work on making the changes for me. I hope she is the one to reap the benefits of my changes, but if they are for a future partner, then so be it. I love this woman, I will always love this woman and nothing can change that...Not the cheating, not the deceit...I have unconditional love, and I always will. It will take time to forgive what she did, but I will...Again, I vowed to love her and be there for her, no matter what...She may not be honoring those vows, but I'm damn sure going to.

 

I appreciate all the advice I've gotten on here. Some of it has been blunt and cold...some has been warm. To each their own, and I respect each of you and your opinions/advice. But I need to do what I think is best for my situation, my family, my kids and my WS. In the end, this is going to all work itself out...I will hold my glimmer as long as I can...Again, thank you...

Edited November 17, 2016 by kesta86

[Superchicken]

First, you need to go and buy a pair of "Men's Work Boots" !.

Take off your slippers, and get a flaming attitude !.

You have lost everything already and your going further into the ground.

Until you start fighting back, its going to be a one way poop flinging session.

Stand up, and make your own demands, and stick with them.

If not, I'm sure one of her dresses may fit you !.

 

 

FIGHT Back !.

 

 

Ted.

[Shard]

First, you need to go and buy a pair of "Men's Work Boots" !.

Take off your slippers, and get a flaming attitude !.

You have lost everything already and your going further into the ground.

Until you start fighting back, its going to be a one way poop flinging session.

Stand up, and make your own demands, and stick with them.

If not, I'm sure one of her dresses may fit you !.

 

 

FIGHT Back !.

 

 

Ted.

 

 

I don't know if doing a complete 180 and becoming bitter and anger toward his wife is the answer. Definatly he should stand up for himself and don't bend backwards for her. But he should keep things completely civil.

 

So far with my own seperation with my wife, staying civil and not mean is serving me well. If she decided to fight back dirty, I would come out on the losing end. I'm hoping to come out relatively well, with only a broken heart which can be mended.