Got back with cheating ex then he broke it off

[theex]

My first post was about how my ex fiance had cheated on me and even moved in with the other woman and lied about it to me continuously. It was pretty much established that he was Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which he vehemently denies).

 

After a couple of weeks of me discovering his infidelity and the other woman kicking him out of her house, he repeatedly reached out to me for moral support. I still love him, of course, so I start talking to him again on a daily basis and before I know it, we're back to being together. I try to keep a distance emotionally (and also physically since he lives in another state now) and find myself bringing up his infidelity a lot. I would get upset about it for no reason and then he would apologize and/or get upset that I'm bringing it up.

 

At the same time, I'm pushing him to get a job and to better himself. I send him self-help books on how to reach his goals and I think I'm being helpful but he perceives it as me thinking less of him.

 

Finally, he snaps and tells me I'm a [expletive] moron and that he hates me and is sick of me not accepting him for who he is. He even calls me the "c" word, which I was abhorred by. He told me to [expletive] off a million times and that he wishes I were dead. I choose the high road and don't say anything mean back - just told him to try to be a nicer person. Then I just stopped responding while he sends me a million hateful texts per minute. He eventually tells me he's going to try to get back with the other woman, which hurts like crazy.

 

I do love this person (crazy enough) and want to help him be better. I keep wondering if I was at fault for not letting go of his infidelity? I didn't feel as though I had enough time to process it all and then he was in my space wanting to get back together. He was being more loving than usual and he was making amends in many ways. I just felt scared of him hurting me again. I don't know how to feel about this situation other than sad right now. Help.

[PegNosePete]

I keep wondering if I was at fault for not letting go of his infidelity?

You have got to be kidding?

 

He cheats on you and then when you foolishly take him back, he treats you like garbage.

 

And you're wondering if it's YOUR fault?? No, his actions are his own "fault" and his own responsibility. He is a grown adult, not a toddler (though he often seems to act like one). His is responsible for his own actions.

 

However I'm afraid to say your current situation is your fault. It is your fault that you allowed a cheating scumbag back into your life. It is your fault that you're allowing this cheating lying manipulative douchebag to still have control over your thoughts and your life. The pain that you're feeling is partially your fault because you KNEW what he was like, yet you still allowed him back into your life.

 

I just felt scared of him hurting me again.

If you carry on having any kind of contact with him, then he will keep hurting you, over and over. The only way to be free from pain is to walk away, forever.

Edited November 15, 2016 by PegNosePete

[theex]

PegNosePete, I totally get what you're saying. Yes, I take some responsibility for letting him back into my life. It's hard because I try to see the good in him and I know he has some deep hurts from the past that he may never resolve. I feel sorry for him in some ways. However, for what it's worth, I never intended to end up with him - I'd only wanted to be with him during this short period to encourage him to get back on his feet. I feel responsible for the other woman kicking him out of her house. I was the one who'd revealed to her his infidelity.

 

I was trying to figure out if, in my quest to help him, I'd pushed him too hard and he just broke...or maybe he was already too broken to be put back together? I was wondering if I should have just forgiven his infidelity and not bring it up repeatedly. I wanted mostly to help him grow and be a better person. Though, he's a 40 year old man....

[Kelley]

You can't help him, you need to concentrate on you and move on.

[Sequitur328]

It's hard to know whether or not you were at fault because I feel as though you were responding to love which is something we all desire. I am so sorry you were hurt unjustly by it in this situation. I believe you deserve a true and pure love, so I am going to pray that Jesus would display his love to you. God Bless.

[Frozensushi]

If I've learned anything about relationships it's you should never date someone with more problems than you. Some people can't be saved and some don't want to be helped. I tried and failed miserably and in the end, I was the one left in pain, not them.

 

I made the exact same attempts you tried. I gave my Ex self-help books, discussed the problems and offered solutions. But just like you, my efforts were seen as judgments. The fact is they feel shame and see your efforts, even though innocent and caring, as attacks on their character and the way they're living their life. All they truly want is your sympathy, not your help or your constructive criticism. I learned this the hard way. My Ex lashed out at me too and ended our relationship.

 

I know you were only trying to be there for him in the most supportive way possible. He didn't see it like that and so when he lashed out at you, it was a self-defense mechanism triggering to save face and protect his fragile ego.

 

You don't need this in your life. You seem like a lovely person, don't allow others to drag you down into their misery.

[theex]

Frozensushi, thank you for sharing your story to help me gain perspective on the situation. What you wrote about your own experience resonated deeply within me because my ex was fearful of judgment being passed on him and would fiercely protect his privacy. I was the only one who truly knew all sides of him - the good, the bad and the ugly - and I still chose to love and support him. My ex said some really mean and horrible things to me over text yesterday when this all came to a bitter end. I just kept responding with, "You are loved" texts, but he never stopped inundating me with hateful texts. I don't quite get why, though, as he wants this to be over between us and he's choosing to shut me out of his life. I'm not even mad, just very hurt and feel like I've lost my chance to help him. I'm not even sure he can be helped. I just keep wishing the best for him, but my heart feels absolutely shattered that he hates me so much.

[Been]

If someone cheats on you its gotta be a deal breaker-learned that the hard way.

It's never the same and you will never trust them 100 per cent again. And I don't care what they do or how much time goes by-the trust is never fully restored.

No it isn't your fault. I understand why you took him back.But now you see how it's going to be just move on. Time to let go.

[theex]

Thanks, Been, for that reminder that cheating just isn't OK. I remember feeling very angry and hurt when I discovered his infidelity. Then, when he came back to me, I thought I would be able to forgive and forget, but although I forgave him, everyday I was reminded of his selfish actions. And now he goes and hurts me again, in the worst way possible. I know I'm supposed to move on and let go and think of him as scum, but the truth is, I feel a little lost and empty right now. I don't deserve his hate, but he's giving it to me like...

[theex]

It's weird, but even though he cheated, it was nice to love and be loved by someone who was always there. I just couldn't get over the thought of him being with this other woman and lying to me about it even when I questioned him because my gut kept screaming at me that something was wrong. I don't actually think this person is right for me, based on how he's treated me so far, but I do love him and wish we could at least be friends. However, he told me that he hates me and doesn't ever want to be friends with me, even though he's friends with all of his exes (and I've met them, too). What did I do that was so wrong?

[Frozensushi]

Frozensushi, thank you for sharing your story to help me gain perspective on the situation. What you wrote about your own experience resonated deeply within me because my ex was fearful of judgment being passed on him and would fiercely protect his privacy. I was the only one who truly knew all sides of him - the good, the bad and the ugly - and I still chose to love and support him.

 

If he is fearful of judgment and covets his privacy than you knowing so much about his dark side might have caused him to resent you. Your kindness could have easily come off as patronizing if he indeed has a low self-image. I read your other thread, he definitely exhibits borderline (BPD), sociopathic and narcissist tendencies.

 

At this point what difference does it really make? The fact here is that you're dealing with a callous, cruel individual who is determined to hurt you. He's lied, cheated on you and said some horribly destructive things without remorse, only contempt, and all his hate directed at you with the sole purpose of inflicting pain.

 

I do understand why you would still feel love and empathy for someone like this. I placed myself in a similar situation of emotional abuse and kept going back for more. But you should not stand for this. No, you should feel abused, humiliated and degraded, not sorry for him. You lack boundaries and self-respect. You cannot help this man, he needs a very good and experienced Therapist.

 

You seem like a very sweet, intelligent and caring person. There are a million great guys out there who would kill for someone like you. This object of your affections is a wolf in sheep's clothing. That charismatic and charming guy you fell for does not really exists. Do yourself a favor, walk away and never look back.

[l8estnews]

I always wonder the mechanics of "abusive" relationship, where one hurts the other. I always blame and judge the person who causes the pain...

 

But this post makes me realize that people sometimes just allow people to hurt them.

 

OP, have respect to yourself and see this person as to who he really is. Is he really a partner material for life???

[Been]

You were in love with the fact of being in love. Don't beat yourself up for taking him back-you thought you were never going to be with him again and all of a sudden he appears right before you. So instead of thinking The excitement in the fact that he came back overruled any sensible thinking on your part-you got caught up in the moment.

I'm almost positive that when you got back together a couple of days latter you started regretting it in someway.

Keep your head up. We all make mistakes. But turn the mistakes into lessons learned.

[Kelley]

You don't deserve any of this. He doesn't know how lucky he is that you took him back after he cheated, and your now trying to help him. My ex cheated on me and I didn't take him back because I knew in my heart the man I fell in love with couldn't have betrayed me like that. The trust had totally gone and I found it hard to look at him again.

 

You sound like a good person (I'm the same, I'm even in a caring profession) but there is a line you need to draw where it's hurting you. It's clearly hurting you and it's time to let go. You don't deserve the abuse and you need to say enough is enough and go NC and move on. When I went NC it was the best thing I ever did to move on and begin healing. You don't want to reach rock bottom, you need to do it now. Take care of you.

 

 

 

Thanks, Been, for that reminder that cheating just isn't OK. I remember feeling very angry and hurt when I discovered his infidelity. Then, when he came back to me, I thought I would be able to forgive and forget, but although I forgave him, everyday I was reminded of his selfish actions. And now he goes and hurts me again, in the worst way possible. I know I'm supposed to move on and let go and think of him as scum, but the truth is, I feel a little lost and empty right now. I don't deserve his hate, but he's giving it to me like...

[Kelley]

I still love my ex even after he cheated and started a relationship with her. That doesn't go over night, but common sense told me that I deserved better and when he came crawling back wanting another chance the door was closed. Don't let your heart rule your head, listen to your head. You have done enough time to walk away for good.

 

 

It's weird, but even though he cheated, it was nice to love and be loved by someone who was always there. I just couldn't get over the thought of him being with this other woman and lying to me about it even when I questioned him because my gut kept screaming at me that something was wrong. I don't actually think this person is right for me, based on how he's treated me so far, but I do love him and wish we could at least be friends. However, he told me that he hates me and doesn't ever want to be friends with me, even though he's friends with all of his exes (and I've met them, too). What did I do that was so wrong?

[Been]

I was in the same boat. My ex cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. We broke up. She came back running saying how sorry she was. I took her back. Months latter she did it again. This time I went NC. About a month latter she shows up at my door. She has a note she wants me to read. I take the note. Read it. In the note she explains her actions. She calls her ex a loser who used her. And of course she says I'm the greatest guy in the world she just felt at the time she didn't "deserve" me. I ate it up. We move in together. We get engaged. 4 months latter guess what? She cheats AGAIN with her ex boyfriend. I leave. Move out.

As I move out guess who is moving in that very week?

So don't feel too bad. We all make mistakes. The difference though is how many times do you want to make the same mistake?

[theex]

Thanks, Kelley, Been, Frozensushi, everybody who contributed to this thread with personal anecdotes and words of wisdom to console me. Please know that I would NEVER get back with my ex after this. I didn't feel comfortable getting back with him after he cheated in the first place, but I was ruled by my desire to help him. One of my friends said to me the other day, "Stop trying to help your ex! You're not the Pope!" Point taken. I wanted to help my ex grow and be a better person because I know he's capable of it. He's made very slow progress, but it still gave me immense hope that he would get there, eventually. I guess his low self-esteem and deeply troubled past will always set him back. I blocked him last night before going to bed and that put my mind at ease. I woke up to a beautiful day and felt very hopeful about the future. I sometimes still cry over a memory of us together, but I'm doing a lot better than I was yesterday. I don't really love him the same way I used to, when he was supposedly "in character." He's somebody else's problem now, and I'm glad to be free of the burden of trying to care for a 40 year old man-child!

 

I guess this is the beginning of no more contact for me and finally, I can let go.

[Frozensushi]

You're not alone, trust me, a lot of us have been in your shoes, myself included. We are caregivers, we can see the potential of growth with those we've fallen in love with who seem troubled or are crying out for help. On my original breakup thread, the user Downtown explained, at least related to my situation, the reasons why I stayed so long and tried so hard to make an impossible relationship survive. Let me share the quote with you below, perhaps you will be able to relate to it as I have.

 

Good question, BlueIris. There are several reasons. One is that, by the time a BPDer has started to lose her infatuation and show her behavioral problems, the partner has already fallen in love with a person he is convinced must be his soul mate (due to the mirroring she did). A second reason is that, because BPDers are able to love (albeit immaturely), the abused partner knows to a certainty that this woman must love him. He therefore mistakenly believes that, if he can only figure out what HE must be doing wrong, he can restore her to that wonderful woman he saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason is that BPDers are so emotionally immature that they exhibit the vulnerability and purity of expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Hence, in many respects, walking away from a BPDer feels as painful as walking away from a vulnerable child you love. Because BPDers typically have the emotional maturity of a four year old, the BPDer relationship largely transforms into a parent/child relationship after the courtship period ends. I say "largely" transforms because, with an unstable person, almost nothing remains constant from month to month.

 

A fourth reason is that the partners choosing to remain longer than 18 months in these BPDer relationships -- i.e., people like me -- generally are excessive caregivers. That is, they will keep trying to help a loved one even when it is to their great detriment to do so -- and even when they are not really helping.

 

A fifth reason is that these partners -- i.e., the excessive caregivers -- are so highly empathetic that they have very low personal boundaries. This means they become so enmeshed with their loved one (the BPDer) that they no longer see where their own problems/responsibilities/feelings stop and those of the BPDer begin. For this reason, and because it is difficult for anyone to see their own role in this toxicity, the quickest way for this partner to see his own problems usually is to first see the BPDer's role in the toxic relationship. Then, by simple subtraction, he can see what he has been doing wrong (e.g., his enabling behavior).

 

Once the abused partner is able to see that he is not the cause of the BPDer's unhappiness and is incapable of fixing it, he is suddenly freed from the terrible burden of guilt and responsibility that have kept him trapped in the toxic relationship. And once he understands that the toxicity is not something SHE is doing to him but, rather, something they BOTH are doing to each other, he is able to see that his enabling behavior has been harming her, not helping her. At that point, he likely will be able to walk away. This, at least, is my understanding and my experience, BlueIris.

 

Every single thing Downtown said in that quote, I went through and experienced, ad nauseum. I was lost in a quagmire of confusion. I didn't understand why my Ex, who would constantly complain about her problems, would then ferociously turn it around on me when I tried my best to help her.

 

Now that I understand that there was nothing I could have done and my love and compassion to help was actually causing the relationship to spiral out of control, I am able to stop blaming myself (which I was doing constantly in the relationship). I'm glad you are feeling better. We are all in this together. It's good to grieve over the loss, it's healing. Time will help you and as long as you stay in NC, you will start renewing your self-confidence and self-respect.

[stillafool]

It's weird, but even though he cheated, it was nice to love and be loved by someone who was always there. I just couldn't get over the thought of him being with this other woman and lying to me about it even when I questioned him because my gut kept screaming at me that something was wrong. I don't actually think this person is right for me, based on how he's treated me so far, but I do love him and wish we could at least be friends. However, he told me that he hates me and doesn't ever want to be friends with me, even though he's friends with all of his exes (and I've met them, too). What did I do that was so wrong?

 

Are you kidding me? Basically the above is saying you will put up with anything just to have a man. Please let him go and work on your self esteem.

[Kelley]

Good for you and one day when you are ready you will meet someone who will know what a special person you are. His loss he lost a diamond while collecting stones!

 

 

Thanks, Kelley, Been, Frozensushi, everybody who contributed to this thread with personal anecdotes and words of wisdom to console me. Please know that I would NEVER get back with my ex after this. I didn't feel comfortable getting back with him after he cheated in the first place, but I was ruled by my desire to help him. One of my friends said to me the other day, "Stop trying to help your ex! You're not the Pope!" Point taken. I wanted to help my ex grow and be a better person because I know he's capable of it. He's made very slow progress, but it still gave me immense hope that he would get there, eventually. I guess his low self-esteem and deeply troubled past will always set him back. I blocked him last night before going to bed and that put my mind at ease. I woke up to a beautiful day and felt very hopeful about the future. I sometimes still cry over a memory of us together, but I'm doing a lot better than I was yesterday. I don't really love him the same way I used to, when he was supposedly "in character." He's somebody else's problem now, and I'm glad to be free of the burden of trying to care for a 40 year old man-child!

 

I guess this is the beginning of no more contact for me and finally, I can let go.

[theex]

Frozensushi,

 

Thank you so much for sharing what Downtown had written. This helped me see things much more clearly. As I read it, I saw my own relationship being described. My ex was very moody and would always provoke me until I had an explosive emotional response, then he would point the finger at me and go, "See! YOU are the emotionally unstable one! You should be SO lucky that I love you." This was the basis of my relationship for 6 months. It was awful. I was terrified some days. I started thinking about how to get out of the relationship. But I couldn't because he always needed me...almost like a child needs his mother. I never wanted to abandon him. And even as I write this, tears are welling. I didn't explode at him a couple of nights ago when he launched his hate campaign against me over text because I sensed so much hurt in his words. I wanted to be the bigger person and not start a fight with him, but to let him fight himself until he was defeated and sulkily retreated, which he did.

 

I feel utterly relieved to know that I should not shoulder the majority of the responsibility for his pain and especially for the relationship ending the way it did. I guess no matter how I went about it, it was going to end anyway.

[theex]

Stillafool,

 

Although your comments may be well-intended, they do come off rather abrasive and judgmental. Love is a spectrum...it is not a black or white emotion. It is complicated and sometimes inexplicably so. The connection I had with my ex, whether it was genuine or a by-product of his manipulation, was something that made me feel good. I have a successful career and am very accomplished in my own right. I never indicated that I would "put up with just about anything just to have a man." This was a situation in which I fell in love with someone with major issues and wanted to stick around in his life to help him better himself. We don't all learn things right away. I had to learn some important lessons through this relationship. In the end, I am sad that I lost someone I love, but I have lost nothing more than that. I will be OK. And for what it's worth, I have spent my teens focusing on school and my 20s focusing on building a successful career so I could have something to call my own and not have to depend on any man or person other than myself. In this time, I didn't have time to date nor was I interested. This was my second relationship. My ex came into my life at the exact right time, when I was done with school and was in a relaxed work environment and had time to pursue a relationship. I do not doubt that he loved me genuinely at some point, and I have said it many times that I still love him. But again, love is a spectrum and I love him as a friend whom I know needs help. I wish to remain friends with him because I know I have been able to help him in many ways and he trusts me more than he does anybody else in his life right now. I wanted to maintain that trust with him so that I could help him further, but it seems like he has more issues than I can help him resolve. So, I'm willing to bite the bullet and let it go.

 

I ask that you please reserve your judgments until you get to know someone and their situation better. Please be patient with people who are still learning about how relationships work and how love works and what to do when it doesn't work. Being so quick to write me off as someone who needs to work on her self-esteem based on a single paragraph is not fair or helpful. Thank you.