ElizabethIII Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Hello I have been reading these boards for a while and have finally decided to join as you all seem friendly! I am single and dating at the moment. I haven't found anyone I would want a relationship with and I am not against casual dates. I had a casual date with someone who was just a friend. We've known each other for nearly 2 years and met one night for drinks and ended up being an overnighter. I am cool with it being a casual occasional thing, I know he doesnt want more and I havent said I dont want more, but assume he knows this. If I see him again, I see him, if not, fine. Another guy though I have been on a few dates with, he has said he doesnt want serious and that is ok by me. Not sure he is my type but happy to see him while I am single. But even though I know it is casual he is a bit disrespectful. Keeps disappearing and then not arranging real dates when he does call. Just asks me last minute, what are you up to tonight. Never a weekend either. I was thinking of replying back to him this time, happy to make real arrangements to see you on a weekend. If he doesnt offer that, I wont see him again. Do you think that is ok?
stillafool Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Sure. It seems he is only interested in a FWB relationship. You want a casual one so what is the difference?
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 Sure. It seems he is only interested in a FWB relationship. You want a casual one so what is the difference? The difference is even though it isnt serious, it still has to be enjoyable for me or I dont see the point. Casual dating / FWB to me means there is a date part and a friend part. What I am not up for is a F-buddy. Where you just do it and leave. I dont want that. When I saw the last guy, we had drinks, dinner, a movie and sat up late talking and watching TV together into the early hours and then we talked in the morning for ages etc. Just like a date. There was a friend part to it. I had a few dates with this guy he was ok and we had drinks and it was a date date, but the last time it was just him inviting me out last minute on a work night and I was ok with impromptu. But then he didnt even let me stay and said he had to be up early. Now he is coming out with the same thing after a long time of being quiet: just asking me out on the day on a work day. I am not doing that. There is a difference between a casual date and a wham bam thank you ma'am f-buddy and I am not up for the latter. So I was going to say you can make proper arangements to meet and failnig that I am not going to meet again. Or I will just accpet the last minute date and go for a drink outside and go home after, nothing more. Either way the point will be clear.
salparadise Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Just tell him what your expectations are. If he wants sex he has to play by your rules. My guess is you probably aren't a good fit anyway, but yea, if you expect a proper date scheduled ahead of time to feel respected just tell him that... or cut him off if you're already resenting it. It's a seller's market.
Miss Peach Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 IME men will categorize women. Sometimes it's the woman who does it. Sometimes the man is realistic with what he wants. What I have found is that men typically don't put much effort in on the casual side. They put that effort into the women they are courting as a GF. I know there may be exceptions out there but most of those men will be the exception more than the rule. Having said that, even in a casual relationship you are within your rights to set up boundaries and draw lines. 1
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 When we are together he is full of plans for what we will do next, he asked me last time i saw him about joining me at an event I was planning to go to that was weeks away! He is full of it saying we should meet again and then he doesnt follow through with it. So I know he is full of it, but he is right about one thing, we do get on very well when we are together, laughing lots and have lots to talk about. he just frustrates me with all the stuff he says and then doesnt really mean obviously. Guy 2 is mid 30s and his longest relationship so far has been under 6 months. He has actually told me that alot of women in the past have been antsy that he is never free as he works long hours. I guess I am not the only one if he cant keep a gf. It is a sellers market and if all he has to offer is literally last minute on a weekday when I cant stay over, well no thanks. If he just offers that I may just go and have a drink and go home. Point will have been made.
elaine567 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Another guy though I have been on a few dates with, he has said he doesnt want serious and that is ok by me. Not sure he is my type but happy to see him while I am single. But even though I know it is casual he is a bit disrespectful. Keeps disappearing and then not arranging real dates when he does call. Just asks me last minute, what are you up to tonight. Never a weekend either. I was thinking of replying back to him this time, happy to make real arrangements to see you on a weekend. If he doesnt offer that, I wont see him again. When he was unsure of you he set up the whole "date" thing but now he knows you are "up for it" anyway, he knows he doesn't need to put in any effort, is my guess. It is interesting that when casual gay sex is involved often there is no schmoozing or pillow talk it is all just simple - set up the meeting, have sex and then good bye. I guess many hetero men would like that too, but women tend to like a bit more than that, even if it is only casual. The booty call and the no week end thing may mean he is attached or even married, he can only get away periodically and on the spur of the moment, so he cannot make any long term plans to meet you.
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 (edited) When he was unsure of you he set up the whole "date" thing but now he knows you are "up for it" anyway, he knows he doesn't need to put in any effort, is my guess. It is interesting that when casual gay sex is involved often there is no schmoozing or pillow talk it is all just simple - set up the meeting, have sex and then good bye. I guess many hetero men would like that too, but women tend to like a bit more than that, even if it is only casual. The booty call and the no week end thing may mean he is attached or even married, he can only get away periodically and on the spur of the moment, so he cannot make any long term plans to meet you. Not quite. We've met a few times and every time it has involved drinks, dinner, one Sunday was a park walk and a drink. Even the last time I was not quite happy with, we still went out for a drink first. But I just dont like being texted last minute on the day being asked what are you up to....it isn't dial a lay even if we are going to have a drink out too. He is definitely not married. I have been back to his place a few times. One bed condo. Had a look in his closet when he had driven to the store to get things for breakfast, all mens clothes, same in bathroom, no womens things. Edited November 14, 2016 by ElizabethIII
elaine567 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 He is definitely not married. I have been back to his place a few times. Small one bed condo. Had a look in his closet when he had driven to the store to get things for breakfast, all mens clothes, same in bathroom, no womens things. Ok but that doesn't mean anything, he may have a wife and kids in a house back home and that is just his work appt.
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 Ok but that doesn't mean anything, he may have a wife and kids in a house back home and that is just his work appt. He doesnt. I dont want to give away too much detail as to how I know. I know he doesnt. Ive done my research.
joseb Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 It sounds like you are not really up for casual dating. You want the planned romantic dates that are part of a more serious relationship. With my fwb, I actually loved when she would text me last minute. I loved the spontaneity. Hook up when you feel like it. I also liked to keep weekends free for getting away or meeting friends, something that's hard with the responsibility of a serious relationship. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 It sounds like you are not really up for casual dating. You want the planned romantic dates that are part of a more serious relationship. With my fwb, I actually loved when she would text me last minute. I loved the spontaneity. Hook up when you feel like it. I also liked to keep weekends free for getting away or meeting friends, something that's hard with the responsibility of a serious relationship. I agree. And would have said that word for word (bolded above). Isn't the essence of casual, low to no effort? I do agree that once a girl accepts that category of relationship with a guy, there really isn't much incentive for a guy to do more effort since that's not the main purpose of the relationship. there is an element of disrespect inherent in the arrangement. That said, you should do and accept these dates and casual things as they suit you. If they don't suit you, then don't. It sounds like the second guy, the way he does it doesn't suit you. You can mention it and don't accept the last minute date. That will teach him if he wants to see you to plan it better. I think though he represents how the majority of guys handling a "casual" relationship will handle it. You can keep searching for the unicorn that doesn't though. Good luck
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 (edited) Well that is it exactly with the second guy, it is the way he does it. I enjoyed his company when we were together and he mine but he doesnt seem to have a backbone. He isnt honest about the way things are. The way he keeps going on about future events when we're together when he doesnt mean it. Im also not imposing anything on him as he doesnt see me with any regularity which again is the nature of it and that is ok but it isnt as if I am preventing him from doing anything or taking up his weekends as I never see him much anyway. I feel this time that I should say take me out for a real date or no deal as I didnt mention that he hasnt been in touch for 3 months. We had an impromptu date last time which was ok as we went for drinks and that and he said he would see me that weekend and never called again. I just left it with him as I dont chase. I then got superliked on Tinder by him which is where we met, but had deleted the app and reinstalled later so he added me again. He said he had lost my number as his phone had crashed but doesnt iPhone back up to the cloud? Then he said he would like to catch up again I said ok. Then he asked the next day at the last minute if I was free. I dont think he lost my number, i think he left it so long that it would just be rude to text me out the blue so when he saw me on tinder he had an opportunity to contant me and pretend he didnt have my number. I am not going just to walk out at the last minute with someone who vanished on me for 3 months. So it is the way he does it. I may just go for a drink with him and walk off home. Going off for 3 months isnt even a FWB IMO. If he wants a very random meeting every few months, he wont get it from me. Edited November 15, 2016 by ElizabethIII
joseb Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Sounds like you are not that into him either, if you just left if for three months with zero contact from you too. It's a two way thing. Especially with casual. What kind of future events is he talking about? If it's marriage/kids/living together, and at the same time he says he wants casual, then yes, that makes no sense. By the way, for me a casual relationship is in no way disrespectful. It is what it is. In fact, I have a lot more respect for some of the girls I have dated casually than some "serious" relationships I've had. 1
Author ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 Sounds like you are not that into him either, if you just left if for three months with zero contact from you too. It's a two way thing. Especially with casual. What kind of future events is he talking about? If it's marriage/kids/living together, and at the same time he says he wants casual, then yes, that makes no sense. By the way, for me a casual relationship is in no way disrespectful. It is what it is. In fact, I have a lot more respect for some of the girls I have dated casually than some "serious" relationships I've had. That's good to know then, not necessarily disrespectful towards me. I didnt contact him either as the conventional advice is to let the man chase you. When I never heard from him after our last date when he said he would call me that weekend, I took it to mean he wasnt up for it and left it be.
Versacehottie Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Well that is it exactly with the second guy, it is the way he does it. I enjoyed his company when we were together and he mine but he doesnt seem to have a backbone. He isnt honest about the way things are. The way he keeps going on about future events when we're together when he doesnt mean it. Im also not imposing anything on him as he doesnt see me with any regularity which again is the nature of it and that is ok but it isnt as if I am preventing him from doing anything or taking up his weekends as I never see him much anyway. I feel this time that I should say take me out for a real date or no deal as I didnt mention that he hasnt been in touch for 3 months. We had an impromptu date last time which was ok as we went for drinks and that and he said he would see me that weekend and never called again. I just left it with him as I dont chase. I then got superliked on Tinder by him which is where we met, but had deleted the app and reinstalled later so he added me again. He said he had lost my number as his phone had crashed but doesnt iPhone back up to the cloud? Then he said he would like to catch up again I said ok. Then he asked the next day at the last minute if I was free. I dont think he lost my number, i think he left it so long that it would just be rude to text me out the blue so when he saw me on tinder he had an opportunity to contant me and pretend he didnt have my number. I am not going just to walk out at the last minute with someone who vanished on me for 3 months. So it is the way he does it. I may just go for a drink with him and walk off home. Going off for 3 months isnt even a FWB IMO. If he wants a very random meeting every few months, he wont get it from me. What you are describing doesn't mean that he doesn't have a backbone! It just means he is doing things with you when and the way he wants to--and only that. It's as clear as day. I think you are getting pretty worked up about a guy that you don't care about and find disrespectful. If you felt this way, what is the point of even spending an evening with him? So you can walk away without continuing the evening as you believe he expects will happen? To me, that sounds like you just want to retaliate for what you see him as having done to you. Also you met on tinder. Your expectations are not in line with the majority of what is going on here. I wouldn't take any of what future plans he says at face value. Look at what he does: calls you when he wants to see you, leaves 3 months in between. Sounds like you are a hookup and nothing more. I don't think he "lost" your number either. But he also didn't not call because he felt like it had gone on so long that it was "rude" or he wouldn't be calling now--this is casual behavior on his terms. Wake up. Don't go because it doesn't sound like you can truly handle it.
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