Boyfriend addicted to porn

[Sicilian]

I may get a lot of criticism about this particular topic but that is okay because I am at lost on what is right and what is wrong. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years (high school sweethearts) a few months ago I was going through my bf cellphone one day and noticed that he had many porn websites in his history. I didn't say anything the first time time passed and checked his phone and there it was again. After a few times that kept seeing these websites I finally confronted him and turns out as he admitted that he is addicted to porn. I felt betrayed because I never would do something like that to him. I felt lied to, I felt insecure because of the type of women he'd watched. Now I think I'm pretty attractive, im at the gym 5 days a week and many men & women compliment me on my appearance.

long story short, he promised me that he would stop because he knew how much it hurt me and wanted to make things work... but yesterday I decided to finally ask him how he was doing with that in which he responded that he's been clean that he hasn't watched anything. But today after so long that I haven't checked his phone because I felt like there was no need to sense he told me he wasn't watching anything and I believed him...idk why I had the curiosity to look at his history. And there where I saw that he was looking at pictures of provocative women.

I feel hurt, but I'm confused whether I am just exaggerating and it's something that all guys do and women should be okay with it... but I just feel hurt ... I feel like he's lying to me. I ask him if he'd be okay if I watched porn or looked at pictures of other men and he says he wouldn't like that... so I just don't understand what to do. This is a man whom I have planned my future with someone who I've been with everyday for almost 7 years and tells me that he would watch porn every single day then promised to stop for the sake of our relationship then I find out today he has been looking at these images.... please help

[cucumber95]

Woho... Women you need to relax. Masturbation is normal, but lot of guys these days use porn to make it easier? I am addicted to porn myself, (well kind of), my girlfriend knew about it, and she was fine with it, because it is normal. It is not about you, your look, he doesn't even think about women in porn, most man focuse on vagina, breats, action, etc.

 

You should not feel lied to, lot of man lie about watching porn, because sometimes it is still taboo like masturbation, I don't know why.

 

Ages ago, when I did not have girlfriend, my history was full of porn sites, when I got girlfirend, there was probabaly less, but still there was.

 

Maybe you should have sex more often? Some guys have very high sex drive, so sex for them is not just enough, so they masturbate with porn.

 

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BETRAYED AT ALL.

 

Remember: it is not about women in porn, it just about action.

[PegNosePete]

I feel like he's lying to me.

Of course you feel like he's lying to you. He IS lying to you. He told you he'd stopped, and he hasn't. That is lying.

 

If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to tell him that you gave him a chance to stop, but he didn't, and he chose to lie to you about it. See what he says to that.

 

But don't keep on giving him chance after chance. I would operate a yellow card/red card policy. He gets a yellow card for lying to you. If he does it again he gets a red card.

[cucumber95]

Of course you feel like he's lying to you. He IS lying to you. He told you he'd stopped, and he hasn't. That is lying.

 

If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to tell him that you gave him a chance to stop, but he didn't, and he chose to lie to you about it. See what he says to that.

 

But don't keep on giving him chance after chance. I would operate a yellow card/red card policy. He gets a yellow card for lying to you. If he does it again he gets a red card.

 

Do you think that her telling him to stop watching porn is ok? every guy does it, well 90% guys... he doesn't want to lose her this is why he lied, he won't stop watching it.

[fromheart]

What do you mean by addicted? If he checks it out on occasion that wouldn't be addicted.

 

More importantly, is he faithful when it comes to real women?

 

And I have to ask, why were you checking out his phone in the first place? That's what a mother does to a child.

 

We all have a fantasy world which is our own. We don't own each others heads in a relationship. If porn is an occasional outlet for his private fantasy, that doesn't mean he wants to go with someone else, no more than he wants to kill someone after watching an action film.

 

Perhaps you also have private fantasies which you'd never tell anyone about. Its not your partners business, its no ones business apart from your own.

 

So unless this represents an underlying problem in the relationship, unless he's disloyal in real life I'd let it go.

[Miss Clavel]

I may get a lot of criticism about this particular topic but that is okay because I am at lost on what is right and what is wrong. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years (high school sweethearts) a few months ago I was going through my bf cellphone one day and noticed that he had many porn websites in his history. I didn't say anything the first time time passed and checked his phone and there it was again. After a few times that kept seeing these websites I finally confronted him and turns out as he admitted that he is addicted to porn. I felt betrayed because I never would do something like that to him. I felt lied to, I felt insecure because of the type of women he'd watched. Now I think I'm pretty attractive, im at the gym 5 days a week and many men & women compliment me on my appearance.

long story short, he promised me that he would stop because he knew how much it hurt me and wanted to make things work... but yesterday I decided to finally ask him how he was doing with that in which he responded that he's been clean that he hasn't watched anything. But today after so long that I haven't checked his phone because I felt like there was no need to sense he told me he wasn't watching anything and I believed him...idk why I had the curiosity to look at his history. And there where I saw that he was looking at pictures of provocative women.

I feel hurt, but I'm confused whether I am just exaggerating and it's something that all guys do and women should be okay with it... but I just feel hurt ... I feel like he's lying to me. I ask him if he'd be okay if I watched porn or looked at pictures of other men and he says he wouldn't like that... so I just don't understand what to do. This is a man whom I have planned my future with someone who I've been with everyday for almost 7 years and tells me that he would watch porn every single day then promised to stop for the sake of our relationship then I find out today he has been looking at these images.... please help

 

he is lying. he's a liar. and imo, there is no cure for porn addiction. sorry.

 

you sound crushed. hurt, sad. and in the future, which is no longer possible, imagine how you are going to feel, waiting for him to come to bed and all the while knowing he'd rather look at fake women, doing god knows what, then lie beside a real woman, with real flesh and blood. not to mention a warm heart.

 

and from what i've read, after awhile, they need more and more extravagant scenarios to get the same effect and they need it more often.

 

it's just sad but i think you know what you have to do.

 

and i'm sure people will tell you that he can stop or worse, you two can watch porn together. but i don't think that either of those things will get you to first place, in his heart.

 

and a woman just has to be first with the man she loves. imo.

[Blanco]

Porn can absolutely manifest into a major problem, not just for relationships, but for the individual, too. It can easily morph into an addiction, not unlike alcohol or drug use.

 

That being said, him watching porn doesn't automatically make him addicted. Realistically, if it's not affecting his ability to perform or isn't detracting him from his other daily duties, then I'd be hesitant to say it's an addiction. It could be a deal-breaker for you, and that's your right. Just understand that him browsing porn, assuming it's of the above-board variety, in and of itself is not a problem. It just may be for you.

[PegNosePete]

Do you think that her telling him to stop watching porn is ok? every guy does it, well 90% guys... he doesn't want to lose her this is why he lied, he won't stop watching it.

Whether I think it is OK or not is irrelevant. The only person whose opinion matters is the OP. It matters to her.

 

Lying to avoid losing someone is a very stupid thing to do. As soon as the person finds out (which they most likely WILL sooner or later) they will not only be upset about the act, but even more upset because of the lie.

[elaine567]

He has actually admitted he is addicted to porn.

So any thoughts that this is "normal" guy activity, go out the window.

Porn addiction is a serious matter and not something that should be minimized and something that the OP should just "get used to".

It literally ruins relationships and the OP is right to be concerned.

Living with an addict is never easy, as lying and deceit are par for the course. Now she cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth and once lost, trust is very, very difficult to regain.

He went from hero to zero in a short period of time.

 

Too many women come on here in sexless marriages with guys who are only in love with their own hand...

 

 

Five Stages of Addiction

 

• Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
  
• Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
  
• Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
  
• Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
  
• Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.
  

[DarrenB]

I understand your skeptical-ism, but at the end of the day, would you rather he look at porn every so often or actually be involved with other women?

 

I think I'd know what I'd prefer if I was in your position...

[Els]

The lying is obviously wrong (and I wouldn't blame you if you ditched him for it), but I'm not seeing any indication in your post that he's actually 'addicted' to porn.

[elaine567]

I understand your skeptical-ism, but at the end of the day, would you rather he look at porn every so often or actually be involved with other women?

 

I think I'd know what I'd prefer if I was in your position...

 

No-one can assume that a man addicted to porn is somehow a man that is never going to cheat, as that doesn't necessarily follow.

 

Porn to some IS seen as cheating anyway.

The OP here is feeling no doubt betrayed, alienated, isolated, depressed, hurt, angry, and humiliated over this, so it is no trivial matter.

She is doing her utmost to keep in shape and to keep her bf focused on her and he can't stop looking at other women and getting sexually aroused by other women, how on earth is she supposed to feel about that?

He has admitted if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be hurt and upset too...

[ManyDissapoint]

The real question is how often and for how long does he watch porn. He may be saying he's addicted in the sense that some people say they are 'addicted to Starbucks'.

 

IMHO while you are in a relationship with sex readily available, porn + masturbation should not be more than 4 times a month. Highly subjective of course.

[VeveCakes]

Woho... Women you need to relax. Masturbation is normal, but lot of guys these days use porn to make it easier? I am addicted to porn myself, (well kind of), my girlfriend knew about it, and she was fine with it, because it is normal. It is not about you, your look, he doesn't even think about women in porn, most man focuse on vagina, breats, action, etc.

 

You should not feel lied to, lot of man lie about watching porn, because sometimes it is still taboo like masturbation, I don't know why.

 

Ages ago, when I did not have girlfriend, my history was full of porn sites, when I got girlfirend, there was probabaly less, but still there was.

 

Maybe you should have sex more often? Some guys have very high sex drive, so sex for them is not just enough, so they masturbate with porn.

 

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BETRAYED AT ALL.

 

Remember: it is not about women in porn, it just about action.

 

Sorry, you don't get to tell someone they don't have a right to be upset and to "relax".

 

To many women, watching porn when you are in a relationship is cheating. Obviously the OP is not OK with it, so no, she doesn't have to accept it.

 

Porn addictions are ruining lives and relationships every day. Normalizing it is only making the issue worse.

 

He is addicted because he can't and won't stop, and it is now affecting his every day life (relationships).

 

He will only stop or limit his use if he really wants to. Does he?

Edited November 14, 2016 by VeveCakes

[Sicilian]

The lying is obviously wrong (and I wouldn't blame you if you ditched him for it), but I'm not seeing any indication in your post that he's actually 'addicted' to porn.

He has admitted to me that he watched it everyday and masturbated to it everyday.

[Sicilian]

Woho... Women you need to relax. Masturbation is normal, but lot of guys these days use porn to make it easier? I am addicted to porn myself, (well kind of), my girlfriend knew about it, and she was fine with it, because it is normal. It is not about you, your look, he doesn't even think about women in porn, most man focuse on vagina, breats, action, etc.

 

You should not feel lied to, lot of man lie about watching porn, because sometimes it is still taboo like masturbation, I don't know why.

 

Ages ago, when I did not have girlfriend, my history was full of porn sites, when I got girlfirend, there was probabaly less, but still there was.

 

Maybe you should have sex more often? Some guys have very high sex drive, so sex for them is not just enough, so they masturbate with porn.

 

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BETRAYED AT ALL.

 

Remember: it is not about women in porn, it just about action.

I welcome your reply, because like I posted at this point I am not sure what is "acceptable" and what is not... there's so many opinions on porn. But personally I could not watch it, i can not do that to my significant other. As far as our sex life, we were having sex Constantly. So it bothers me to think that during that time he still went out of his way to look at other women.

[Sicilian]

I understand your skeptical-ism, but at the end of the day, would you rather he look at porn every so often or actually be involved with other women?

 

I think I'd know what I'd prefer if I was in your position...

Please answer, would you be completely okay with your significant other if she constantly (everyday) turned to porn and feel aroused by other men?

[cucumber95]

I welcome your reply, because like I posted at this point I am not sure what is "acceptable" and what is not... there's so many opinions on porn. But personally I could not watch it, i can not do that to my significant other. As far as our sex life, we were having sex Constantly. So it bothers me to think that during that time he still went out of his way to look at other women.

 

But it is not about women... it is about action as I said before, just about "sex".

[VeveCakes]

Please answer, would you be completely okay with your significant other if she constantly (everyday) turned to porn and feel aroused by other men?

 

oh like you can only accept one or the other? How about neither...thanks

 

But it is not about women... it is about action as I said before, just about "sex".

 

so men are capable of using their imaginations, they are just too lazy. No guy "needs" porn, they just don't want to give it up. Just like no woman needs to accept it in her life either.

 

OP I suggest you check out the website Fight The New Drug for support and information.

[DarrenB]

No-one can assume that a man addicted to porn is somehow a man that is never going to cheat, as that doesn't necessarily follow.

 

Porn to some IS seen as cheating anyway.

The OP here is feeling no doubt betrayed, alienated, isolated, depressed, hurt, angry, and humiliated over this, so it is no trivial matter.

She is doing her utmost to keep in shape and to keep her bf focused on her and he can't stop looking at other women and getting sexually aroused by other women, how on earth is she supposed to feel about that?

He has admitted if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be hurt and upset too...

 

Yes, precisely. Nor am I condoning behavior like that at all. I'm just simply stating that it's a better way to think of it rather than other scenarios.

 

(EDIT) I've obviously also been slightly oblivious and haven't analysed the OP properly. I thought it was genuinely just involving watching porn, not going further.

 

Of course, it's definitely a serious act of betrayal and would make the other person question many thing, especially their self-worth. Also, yes it's personal preference but no-one really knows whether someone who is 'addicted to porn' would cheat or not and that's a feeling of angst to think of and he has in fact been deceitful.

[DarrenB]

Please answer, would you be completely okay with your significant other if she constantly (everyday) turned to porn and feel aroused by other men?

 

No I would not. I obviously was oblivious to the fact that it was constantly/daily and it went further than just watching porn for the hell of it.

 

Again, I'm not saying it's appropriate behavior or acceptable to do, especially if you proceed to be deceitful and continue to do so... that's not right at all, no.

 

I've posted a reply to Elaine also, so feel free to take a look at that. Again I will exclaim I'm not condoning behavior like that at all.

[marky00]

For a relationship of that length, breaking up over this reason seems irrational, especially since the discovery has been so recent.

 

 

I understand you have been hurt by this but often our SO is our mirror and thus there could be any one of a hundred reasons as to why he is doing what he is doing.

 

 

Ok, this may have rocked your self-esteem slightly but believe me, things can get so much worse. I was dumped my an Ex when I visited her country on a holiday with my family. The reason, she found someone else. Terrible things can happen so please try and keep things in perspective.

 

 

Try to work on coping skills because you will regret it later if you look back and discover part of the issue was your inability to cope with negative things that occur.

 

 

Obviously, its bothering you enough such that something needs to change soon but keep calm and rational, its so important during emotional storms.

[Sicilian]

he is lying. he's a liar. and imo, there is no cure for porn addiction. sorry.

 

you sound crushed. hurt, sad. and in the future, which is no longer possible, imagine how you are going to feel, waiting for him to come to bed and all the while knowing he'd rather look at fake women, doing god knows what, then lie beside a real woman, with real flesh and blood. not to mention a warm heart.

 

and from what i've read, after awhile, they need more and more extravagant scenarios to get the same effect and they need it more often.

 

it's just sad but i think you know what you have to do.

 

and i'm sure people will tell you that he can stop or worse, you two can watch porn together. but i don't think that either of those things will get you to first place, in his heart.

 

and a woman just has to be first with the man she loves. imo.

Thank you for your input. That is exactly what scares me that I marry this man whom I love dearly, but has such a horrid addiction. I've done my research as well and that's also what I have found that sooner or later what they have been watching won't be enough for them so they have to go to extreme cases to get that same satisfaction. I'm truly heartbroken because he is everything to me, 7 years with this man not a single break up with him. This is the first time that I decided to break up with him. It is difficult

[Sicilian]

For a relationship of that length, breaking up over this reason seems irrational, especially since the discovery has been so recent.

 

 

I understand you have been hurt by this but often our SO is our mirror and thus there could be any one of a hundred reasons as to why he is doing what he is doing.

 

 

Ok, this may have rocked your self-esteem slightly but believe me, things can get so much worse. I was dumped my an Ex when I visited her country on a holiday with my family. The reason, she found someone else. Terrible things can happen so please try and keep things in perspective.

 

 

Try to work on coping skills because you will regret it later if you look back and discover part of the issue was your inability to cope with negative things that occur.

 

 

Obviously, its bothering you enough such that something needs to change soon but keep calm and rational, its so important during emotional storms.

Thank you so much for your input. I totally understand what you're saying. I think that is my main issue right now whether I should stay with him (being that this is the second time I have caught him) and help him ( BUT HOW? HOW CAN I HELP HIM?) or step out of this relationship before it's way too late? ...Once again thank you for your response.

[VienneseCoffee]

I think a lot of guys are into porn, I've found everyone I have dated for the last 10 years has porn websites in their browser history. One guy even was watching tranny porn on my computer while I was asleep. That really irritated me, like the least he could do was watch it at home, lol. I don't know if they were "addicted" or these are just the people I was picking but it seems to be a fairly common and widespread thing for men these days unfortunately.