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The Second Goodbye After the First

Dis

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi guys! :)

 

I broke up with my ex in August of 2015. He was 36, I was 29. We were together for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 years.

 

He made a lot of mistakes that ultimatly caused the demise of our relationship. He stole my medication (adderal that I take for school) on many different occassions. Did steroids behind my back, told me he would stop the continued. I caught him texting his ex gf. Gosh.....theres just so many things he did that just betrayed my trust.

 

But....the most hurtful betrayl came to light after I broke up with him. He was cheating on me....for most likely the majority of the relationship. He does NOT know that I know this because I went NC right away

 

Now this will sound odd....but we had a very very deep, connection and powerful love...I'll swallow my pride and admit I miss it...but I dont know if that was a lie just like everything else

 

When I broke up with him he cried like a baby...a 6'4, 280lb man held his head in his hands and wept...but my emotions towards him shut off like a switch...too much damage had been done....I never told anyone here.....but I started dating again one week after....ya, big mistake. Although I stopped feeling, I dont think I ever fully healed hence the reason why I'm posting now

 

He has never stopped texting me since the break up...telling me he misses me and wants to talk to me. I of course never replied. I have an android so I cant block his number....the best I can do is put it in a spam folder....which I looked at tonight (I know)

 

He sent me a long text saying that he read the letter I wrote him when I broke up with him. I cried my eyes out when I wrote that letter (which was before I found out he was cheating). He said it made him feel alot of things, and maybe, like I wrote, we were too different. But he loved me fiercely and he missed me. He wanted me to be happy too. It felt like a goodbye...again.

 

I know I'll never text him back or take him back but I find comfort in recieving his texts...I know, not healthy. But it feels like he's moving on now. I think I've healed as much as I can...I dont know that we ever heal fully when we are betrayed like this. I've dated a few guys since but I never found that connection like I had with him

 

I was tempted to text him and in a civil way explain that I know he was cheating on me because he has no idea that I know....so the letter I wrote means nothing now...but I know it wouldnt be productive so I stayed silent

 

I do want to make this clear....I dont want him back and I do not want to speak with him. Breaking up with him was one of the best decisions I ever made. He was not the man I thought I loved....but despite all of this...I think I'm still bleeding alittle....especially tonight

Edited by Disillusionment373
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
Hi guys! :)

 

I broke up with my ex in August of 2015. He was 36, I was 29. We were together for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 years.

 

He made a lot of mistakes that ultimatly caused the demise of our relationship. He stole my medication (adderal that I take for school) on many different occassions. Did steroids behind my back, told me he would stop the continued. I caught him texting his ex gf. Gosh.....theres just so many things he did that just betrayed my trust.

 

But....the most hurtful betrayl came to light after I broke up with him. He was cheating on me....for most likely the majority of the relationship. He does NOT know that I know this because I went NC right away

 

Now this will sound odd....but we had a very very deep, connection and powerful love...I'll swallow my pride and admit I miss it...but I dont know if that was a lie just like everything else

 

When I broke up with him he cried like a baby...a 6'4, 280lb man held his head in his hands and wept...but my emotions towards him shut off like a switch...too much damage had been done....I never told anyone here.....but I started dating again one week after....ya, big mistake. Although I stopped feeling, I dont think I ever fully healed hence the reason why I'm posting now

 

He has never stopped texting me since the break up...telling me he misses me and wants to talk to me. I of course never replied. I have an android so I cant block his number....the best I can do is put it in a spam folder....which I looked at tonight (I know)

 

He sent me a long text saying that he read the letter I wrote him when I broke up with him. I cried my eyes out when I wrote that letter (which was before I found out he was cheating). He said it made him feel alot of things, and maybe, like I wrote, we were too different. But he loved me fiercely and he missed me. He wanted me to be happy too. It felt like a goodbye...again.

 

I know I'll never text him back or take him back but I find comfort in recieving his texts...I know, not healthy. But it feels like he's moving on now. I think I've healed as much as I can...I dont know that we ever heal fully when we are betrayed like this. I've dated a few guys since but I never found that connection like I had with him

 

I was tempted to text him and in a civil way explain that I know he was cheating on me because he has no idea that I know....so the letter I wrote means nothing now...but I know it wouldnt be productive so I stayed silent

 

I do want to make this clear....I dont want him back and I do not want to speak with him. Breaking up with him was one of the best decisions I ever made. He was not the man I thought I loved....but despite all of this...I think I'm still bleeding alittle....especially tonight

 

 

Thank you for sharing this... I think it gives a lot of insight for a lot of men and women. Specially, how the dumper feels after they let someone they love go? I know it takes a lot to make these moves.

 

If he didn't cheat.. would you have second thoughts of going back to him?

  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

Disillusionment373, I am just so sorry you are hurting...

 

I understand how you feel. You are making the correct decision to stay NC with him.

 

You need to stop looking at the stuff he is sending and just delete it.

 

I can't judge if how anyone feels is right or wrong. I just know that this stuff hurts.

 

But, the thing is that at some point in these types of R's we have to save ourselves. If we just keep going, we end up hurting ourselves more and more.

 

You are doing the right thing, just stick with it. Over time you will heal...

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

I don't think little crutches like taking comfort in his continued texts are a bad thing if you've got control of your emotions otherwise. Not everyone does NC the hardass way. ;)

 

If it was me I'd tell him I know btw ....I don't like leaving things unfinished that way or perpetuating myths. (Like your love was one thing when you know it was another.) Esp. if he's asking.

  • Like 2
DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

Posted
Posted

It's unfortunate to hear about a break-up tragedy like that. Like it is unfortunate to hear about any in general, especially on here.

 

I can partially relate after hearing some additional things about my own R/S and B/U. But let's not divulge into that.

 

I believe at any age, the 'right' relationship to us which has ended can be the most hurtful and the most hardest processes to accept. Sometimes I envy the people who can overcome breakup's and deal with it so easily. The emotions feel like they are eternal, maybe because they are? likewise with the memories and the emotional attachment you carry still with them. But it will diminish, there's no estimation on such a time or date but eventually.

 

It must be hard to ignore someone, whom you love so dearly. I've never been in that position as I've never really had someone try so desperately to take me back. More so the opposite and I'm the one doing all the grovelling and pleading. Just know through it all, like Blue has also said, you are doing the correct and right thing here.

 

There is always time in this world of obscurity to feel sorrow and hurt. Maybe we don't deserve it at all, but the experience is what will make you less prone to such despair in the future.

 

All the best, you are not alone. Time will heal your soul and your heart.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I don't think little crutches like taking comfort in his continued texts are a bad thing if you've got control of your emotions otherwise. Not everyone does NC the hardass way. ;)

 

If it was me I'd tell him I know btw ....I don't like leaving things unfinished that way or perpetuating myths. (Like your love was one thing when you know it was another.) Esp. if he's asking.

 

Jen! :D

 

I think you're right. I think I havent fully closed the door because of this last missing piece. I think I need to tell him. I dont want him thinking that I am still fooled by him, or that I still view our relationship in the loving way I depicted in my letter

 

I do want to tell him in the most civil way possible, as I'm really not angry about his cheating because as sad as it is...I think he was so broken he did the best he could do...I also think alot of it was my fault for not seeing it sooner. I also want to be clear that I'm not opening up a dialog because I know he's just going to deny it....I'm just going to speak my piece and be done...finally

 

I'm just going to tell him and ignore any texts he sends...its not that difficult for me not to respond so I'm not worried about being temped to engage in convo with him

 

This is the one and only time I'll break NC....I will send one and only one text....I want to do this so I can finally close the door and be at peace with him and our failed relationship

 

 

So....how should I tell him I know?

 

And what should I say?

 

I would love to hear suggestions from anyone else too :)

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Disillusionment373, I am just so sorry you are hurting...

 

I understand how you feel. You are making the correct decision to stay NC with him.

 

You need to stop looking at the stuff he is sending and just delete it.

 

I can't judge if how anyone feels is right or wrong. I just know that this stuff hurts.

 

But, the thing is that at some point in these types of R's we have to save ourselves. If we just keep going, we end up hurting ourselves more and more.

 

You are doing the right thing, just stick with it. Over time you will heal...

 

Thanks for being so sweet Blues :)

 

You're right, I needed to save myself by ending that relationship. I think I subconsciously knew he was cheating on me while I was with him....and that drove me insane. When I left him I felt like I gained my sanity and power back

 

I know NC is always the way to go when it comes to a break up but as jen said, I think the reason why I've never fully healed is because I never told him I know he was cheating on me. So for the sake of finally acheiving peace and closure, I need to tell him

 

I will not open up a dialog, I just want to send one civil, final text to speak my peace and close the book. After cheating on me for 2 years, I think he should know that although I'm not angry, I do not view him or the relationship in the same way I did before...what he did changed everything

 

Hes been texting me for over a year telling me he misses me and wants to talk to me, still thinking his secret will never be discovered by me...well I think its time to pop that bubble now

 

I feel like communicating this to him is the like fitting in the last puzzle piece...after this....I think my wounds will finish healing

 

I know you said to keep up NC, so what do you think of this?

 

If you're not opposed to it, what do you think I should say to him?

  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

I agree that it would clear the air.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

You could explain that you know he was cheating on you and maybe explain that the letter was written before the discovery.

 

I would let him know that the is never a chance for you two to be together and please stop texting me and move on.

 

Unless, someone else has a better suggestion...

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's unfortunate to hear about a break-up tragedy like that. Like it is unfortunate to hear about any in general, especially on here.

 

I can partially relate after hearing some additional things about my own R/S and B/U. But let's not divulge into that.

 

I believe at any age, the 'right' relationship to us which has ended can be the most hurtful and the most hardest processes to accept. Sometimes I envy the people who can overcome breakup's and deal with it so easily. The emotions feel like they are eternal, maybe because they are? likewise with the memories and the emotional attachment you carry still with them. But it will diminish, there's no estimation on such a time or date but eventually.

 

It must be hard to ignore someone, whom you love so dearly. I've never been in that position as I've never really had someone try so desperately to take me back. More so the opposite and I'm the one doing all the grovelling and pleading. Just know through it all, like Blue has also said, you are doing the correct and right thing here.

 

There is always time in this world of obscurity to feel sorrow and hurt. Maybe we don't deserve it at all, but the experience is what will make you less prone to such despair in the future.

 

All the best, you are not alone. Time will heal your soul and your heart.

 

Hi Darren :)

 

You're reply really touched me, it was beautiful. I got alittle teary reading it, very eloquent and poignant...you're very wise

 

Yes, despite all of his mistakes...I really loved him with all my heart. We were best friends...we knew each other like the back of our hands. We were goofy, and affectionate together...he supported me in school...the sex was great. I think thats what made all of it so hard to say goodbye to. I cant believe that he could betray the special love we had....that makes me think it wasnt love at all....I think thats the cruelest part of it. It was all a lie

 

I asked both Jen and Blues about what they thought of me texting him, one final time to tell him I know he was cheating. I think telling him will help me finish healing. Like I said above, I'm not starting a convo...I just want to speak my peace and be done. Ignoring him was never that difficult so I think I'll be ok handling this

 

Do you think this is ok? If so, what do you think I should say to him?

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
So....how should I tell him I know?

 

And what should I say?

 

How about sth like ....

 

 

"Hey xxxx, just reaching out to clarify a few things that I think you should know. This is a one-way, one-time communication so there's no point in replying bc I won't be reading anyway.

 

I never told you but I was and am aware you were cheating on me at such and such time. I've moved beyond that now and it's no longer a problem for me going forward but I think the record needs to be set straight so that any longstanding image of what we were doesn't exist in some skewed light.

 

other stuff

 

I have no particular ill will for you and I wish you all the best in life. I hope you can be happy. blah-blah-blah.

 

- Dizzy Lu"

 

 

Only say it like it was written by you. ;)

  • Like 1
Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

Posted
Posted

You say:

 

1. You haven't healed

2. You have found comfort in his texts (knowing that he was still thinking of you)

3. You believe that he's beginning to move on

 

Based on these three things, I believe that contacting him would be a huge mistake.

 

A few times, you have said that you don't want to get back with him & don't want to contact him, yet here you are trying to figure out how to justify doing just that. Please know that I completely understand...I have been in a similar situation. I managed to believe the lies I told myself.

 

My advice is this--if you can be honest with yourself and admit that you MAY be responding to the fear of losing the bandaid that knowing he still cared provided you and that your vulnerability may cause you to engage even further (despite knowing that it wouldn't be in your best interest), then go ahead and contact him. Just understand that you will be sending him a clear signal that he still has a hold on you.

 

This is a good example of the importance of NC....If you hadn't been receiving his texts, you: a) would be further along in your healing because you wouldn't have been masking the pain with the knowledge that he was still thinking about you & b) you wouldn't be aware that he may be "moving on" now.

 

Be honest with yourself...really honest about your feelings & your motives before you act. You may decide that ripping off the bandaid and letting the wounds heal would be much less painful than reopening the wound itself.

 

I wish you the best.

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

My parents just told me today that my dad ran into him at the grocery store with a "short, pudgy, unattractive woman" about 2 months ago

 

I dont know why but it hit a nerve....maybe because I know he was doing similar things when we were together

 

I think the woman might have been his co-worker....and maybe he was one of the women he was cheating on me with

 

I'm not sure why this bugs me....I dont want him back and I feel bad for that woman because I know my ex will never be able to function in a healthy manner in relationships...and he doesnt have much to offer...not even financial stability as he had to move back to his parents house when I broke up with him because he doesnt make much money. Now his financial status would be fine if he wasnt a cheater, liar etc ontop of it

 

And this will sound conceded amoung other things but I'm telling the the truth when I say this. I believe that some people will always have "The one that got away" syndrome. I will always be the one that got away in his eyes, he lost the best thing he ever had when he lost me...and the funny thing is, when I left....I got my sanity, power and happiness back. Wierd how that works

 

Can anyone tell me why this is taking me back to the feelings I had during the relationship when I suspected he was cheating????

 

I'm not surprised by this so why is this bugging me?

Edited by Disillusionment373
  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You say:

 

1. You haven't healed

2. You have found comfort in his texts (knowing that he was still thinking of you)

3. You believe that he's beginning to move on

 

Based on these three things, I believe that contacting him would be a huge mistake.

 

A few times, you have said that you don't want to get back with him & don't want to contact him, yet here you are trying to figure out how to justify doing just that. Please know that I completely understand...I have been in a similar situation. I managed to believe the lies I told myself.

 

My advice is this--if you can be honest with yourself and admit that you MAY be responding to the fear of losing the bandaid that knowing he still cared provided you and that your vulnerability may cause you to engage even further (despite knowing that it wouldn't be in your best interest), then go ahead and contact him. Just understand that you will be sending him a clear signal that he still has a hold on you.

 

This is a good example of the importance of NC....If you hadn't been receiving his texts, you: a) would be further along in your healing because you wouldn't have been masking the pain with the knowledge that he was still thinking about you & b) you wouldn't be aware that he may be "moving on" now.

 

Be honest with yourself...really honest about your feelings & your motives before you act. You may decide that ripping off the bandaid and letting the wounds heal would be much less painful than reopening the wound itself.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Hey survivor!

 

Thanks so much for the reply and I understand where your coming from. I think some people tend to find ways of justifying breaking NC in hopes it will bring their ex closer to them...I've read a lot of threads like that

 

But in this case.....txting him is a way of bringing myself further from him

 

The reason why I want to tell him is to speak my final piece. To let him know that I am not under the illusion that we had what he thinks I think we had. Like Jen said, I dont want him perpetuating a myth. He betrayed me, and I'm tired of pretending that never happened

 

I've never been tempted to text him back so I wont be responding as usual. I actually find comfort in not responding... in letting the distance grow and seperating myself from him.

 

I'm texting him because by telling him, I know...it will be the last step in my healing process. I will finally be able to close the door.

 

Thanks so much for the input survivor :)

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
How about sth like ....

 

 

"Hey xxxx, just reaching out to clarify a few things that I think you should know. This is a one-way, one-time communication so there's no point in replying bc I won't be reading anyway.

 

I never told you but I was and am aware you were cheating on me at such and such time. I've moved beyond that now and it's no longer a problem for me going forward but I think the record needs to be set straight so that any longstanding image of what we were doesn't exist in some skewed light.

 

other stuff

 

I have no particular ill will for you and I wish you all the best in life. I hope you can be happy. blah-blah-blah.

 

- Dizzy Lu"

 

 

Only say it like it was written by you. ;)

 

That was so well put!!!

 

I just sent him almost the same thing,

 

"Hey, just reaching out to clarify a few things I think you should know. I never told you but I am aware and was aware since one month after I broke up with you that you were cheating on me. I was never angry at you, by the time I found out I had already closed that door. I just wanted to tell you so any long standing image of what we were isnt viewed on a skewd light. I will always wish you the best and I hope you're doing well"

  • Like 1
Been Established Member

Been

Posted
Posted

You seem like a very smart person.

Your not healed like you think you are. Please trust me on this. It's only when you don't feel ANYTHING at all that you've healed. Right now your full of different emotions.

You want to text him out of revenge. Trust me on this I've been there. You feel that by not telling him he's got one over on you.

It doesn't matter anymore. YOU know and that's all that counts. It won't change anything. What's done is done. And speaking from experience I know it hurt you really bad. To think a relationship is one way and to find out it was all mostly a lie is devastating.

But if you are stuck on having to tell him I offer you a solution. You wanna tell him then tell him in PERSON.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted

After having this bleeding wound for over a year....I finally feel like I can finish healing

 

The secret that I kept to myself is no longer inside of me, cutting me, hurting me....its gone now

 

I feel like 1 million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders...the door is closed...the secret no loner belongs to me and I can finish healing

 

This is one of the most relieving feelings I've ever felt in my life

 

What he said back is of course a lie but for once, its not hurting me anymore....

 

"Thats actually not true at all. Not sure where you got your information from. I did not cheat on you at all while we were together. But I'm not going back and forth with old stuff that doesnt matter.

 

And the image I have of what we were will always be viewed by me in my own way, not affected by you or anyone else or anything. Thats mine to keep for myself. The way you "closed the door" was very difficult for me. We were together every day for 3 years then nothing. Nothing ever.

 

You said I could text you for recipes and you didnt even do that. I dont know how that can be. How you can cut a perrson out of youre life like that after going through so much with them? Its baffling and upsetting.

 

All I ever wanted was to maintain some communication, even once and awhile. To say hi, ask you how your doing, things like that. I still love you obviously. To me, and its just my opinion, you have a very cold heart the way you just dismissed me out of your life forever.

 

I wish you the best also and always have and always will

 

You're greatness and light is not something that should be dimmed, ever."

 

 

So... thats his end of the story which is irrelevant now. Of course I remain silent on my end

 

 

Omg guys, I wish I could share this feeling with all of you who are going through breaks ups. Its that moment when you feel like you can take a deep breathe...when that weight is lifted. I know I still have healing to do....I'm not done yet. But I know the remainder of healing I have to complete starts now :)

 

After 14 months, I finally feel clean

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