New here [my story may be a little different than most]

[oldshirt]

I'm wondering if someone can help me understand this behavior.

 

Seriously???? What more is there to understand?? he is a bad person. He is abusive, manipulative, boarish and basically a rapist.

 

It is easy to understand him, he has come right out and stated up front what he wants - he wants someone on the side to cheat with that puts up with his crap and asks nothing in return.

 

You have been giving him that on a silver platter. You keep going back to him and putting up with his maltreatment of you. You are the one that is hard to understand and figure out.

 

Help us understand your behavior.

[oldshirt]

Y'know I read stories like this and I can't help but think I'm the real loser and that I am doing it all wrong.

 

I have always treated women well and never mistreated or put down anyone and never have been mean or manipulative or condescending etc etc. I have never come on to anyone or forced myself onto anyone that didn't want to get down with me. I have never cheated on my wife.

 

But the thing that strikes me in stories like this is women that just can't bring themselves to not follow these guys around like lost puppies, where as I have been dumped cold numerous times.

 

My first love dumped me over the course of a few days because she met some guy that had a nicer car. she told me this to my face.

 

Another gal that I thought at the time was "the one" dumped me because I was not a drinker and a partyer.

 

Those were both LTRs that I had dated for about a couple years each and that I had treated very well. Both had said that they loved me and wanted to be with me before they decided they didn't.

 

I have also been blown off, brushed off and had a number of dead ends and various other endeavors that simply never got off the ground because I wasn't tall enough, cool enough, charming enough, good looking enough etc etc

 

My point to all of this is women CAN obviously bring themselves to get away from men because several have dumped me over the years and I wasn't even a bad guy or mistreating them in any way.

 

If women can bring themselves to get rid of perfectly decent guys that treat them well but just aren't cool enough, surely they can walk away from people that are toxic and abusive and disrespectful and just plain bad people, wouldn't 'cha think?

 

I think this kind of behavior in women is disrespectful to men who treat women well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Y'know I read stories like this and I can't help but think I'm the real loser and that I am doing it all wrong.

 

I have always treated women well and never mistreated or put down anyone and never have been mean or manipulative or condescending etc etc. I have never come on to anyone or forced myself onto anyone that didn't want to get down with me. I have never cheated on my wife.

 

But the thing that strikes me in stories like this is women that just can't bring themselves to not follow these guys around like lost puppies, where as I have been dumped cold numerous times.

 

My first love dumped me over the course of a few days because she met some guy that had a nicer car. she told me this to my face.

 

Another gal that I thought at the time was "the one" dumped me because I was not a drinker and a partyer.

 

Those were both LTRs that I had dated for about a couple years each and that I had treated very well. Both had said that they loved me and wanted to be with me before they decided they didn't.

 

I have also been blown off, brushed off and had a number of dead ends and various other endeavors that simply never got off the ground because I wasn't tall enough, cool enough, charming enough, good looking enough etc etc

 

My point to all of this is women CAN obviously bring themselves to get away from men because several have dumped me over the years and I wasn't even a bad guy or mistreating them in any way.

 

If women can bring themselves to get rid of perfectly decent guys that treat them well but just aren't cool enough, surely they can walk away from people that are toxic and abusive and disrespectful and just plain bad people, wouldn't 'cha think?

 

I think this kind of behavior in women is disrespectful to men who treat women well.

 

It goes both ways though, don't you think?

 

Yes obviously the women on this board are easy to point a finger at but I know a lot of women - myself included - who have just been treated like total sh*t in relationships (normal ones, not affairs), one after the other, bent over backwards for some guy who only treated us like a doormat, like a piece of garbage.

 

And I also know a lot of guys like yourself - always with some woman playing games and leaving them constantly upset.

 

Maybe we all just want someone who doesn't really want us. Maybe some of us have an underlying fear of intimacy and commitment. Afterall, if every relationship ended with you being left, cheated on, hurt - you are the common denominator. You are picking these people. Doesn't it say more about you than the women you are picking?

 

And while yes, Old Shirt I am responding to you, that goes for all of us in general.

[jah526]

Also, I think there are a lot of head games that go on in abusive relationships, where you start thinking that you are the problem, and if only you did this or that things would be fine. It's easier to see what's really happening from the outside I guess, harder to see when you're in it.

[Birdies]

Y'know I read stories like this and I can't help but think I'm the real loser and that I am doing it all wrong.

 

...

 

I think this kind of behavior in women is disrespectful to men who treat women well.

 

Newsflash: this thread is about this poor woman's very unhealthy sense of self and victimhood of abuse from this douchewad and how to end it - it's not about you.

[oldshirt]

Newsflash: this thread is about this poor woman's very unhealthy sense of self and victimhood of abuse from this douchewad and how to end it - it's not about you.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with me.

 

My point is this guy is a bad person and he treats her atrociously. One could even call it abusively.

 

Right now there are probably a number of decent guys that wouldn't even occur to them to mistreat her, that are interested in her but she is thumbing her nose at them to chase after this monster that mistreats her every single chance he gets.

 

That is disrespectful to the decent men she could be involved with who would treat her well.

[oldshirt]

It goes both ways though, don't you think?

 

Yes obviously the women on this board are easy to point a finger at but I know a lot of women - myself included - who have just been treated like total sh*t in relationships (normal ones, not affairs), one after the other, bent over backwards for some guy who only treated us like a doormat, like a piece of garbage.

 

And I also know a lot of guys like yourself - always with some woman playing games and leaving them constantly upset.

 

Maybe we all just want someone who doesn't really want us. Maybe some of us have an underlying fear of intimacy and commitment. Afterall, if every relationship ended with you being left, cheated on, hurt - you are the common denominator. You are picking these people. Doesn't it say more about you than the women you are picking?

 

And while yes, Old Shirt I am responding to you, that goes for all of us in general.

 

Absolutely it goes both ways.

 

There are some inconvenient truths in the world and one of those is that good looking, charming, charismatic people will always have an advantage in the dating market over those that are less attractive and charming etc.

 

But this goes way beyond that. This guy is a bad person who is overtly mistreating and abusing her, and yet she is doing backflips and crawling through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to be with him.

 

It's one thing to want to be with the good looking, charismatic person over the less attractive one assuming both are decent people and both treat you with basic human kindness.

 

But it is a whole other level of messed up when the one is outright mistreating, abusing and potentially sexually assaulting you.

 

IMHO it is downright disrespectful to the decent single guys out there that she is yearning for and chasing after this monster.

 

There is probably some normal, healthy, decent, single guy right now in her circle that would be interested in her and would treat her well and make a good partner for her - but when she does the backflips and crawls through broken glass to be with her tormentor, it is a slap in the face of the decent guy(s) and is disrespectful to him.

 

This is why when women start going to the dark side, decent men start turning their backs.

 

That decent man at some point(s) in his life has been dumped or passed over because he was an inch too short or wore glasses or didn't have a cool enough car or some other superficial reason. So when he sees a woman trying desperately to hold on to some guy that is downright mistreating and abusing her, it's an insult.

[eye of the storm]

It doesn't have anything to do with me.

 

My point is this guy is a bad person and he treats her atrociously. One could even call it abusively.

 

Right now there are probably a number of decent guys that wouldn't even occur to them to mistreat her, that are interested in her but she is thumbing her nose at them to chase after this monster that mistreats her every single chance he gets.

 

That is disrespectful to the decent men she could be involved with who would treat her well.

 

Its not that she is thumbing her nose at decent guys. Her head is so screwed up she thinks she deserves to be treated like this.

 

Jah, Im glad you are getting help. I understand it is hard to say I deserve to be treated better when, to you, this is all there is.

 

I do agree with everyone. Do not interact with this man. He is nothing but bad for you. Cut him from your life.

 

If I may offer a suggestion until you get into therapy. Notes of affirmation. Write things like "I am a nice person" on a sticky note and put it in the bathroom, or "I like me" by the door, or "I will smile today" in the kitchen.

 

I had them all over the house. They reminded me I was a good person. I deserved to be treated well. Not only by others, but by myself too.

 

you can do this. I wish you luck.

[oldshirt]

Its not that she is thumbing her nose at decent guys. Her head is so screwed up she thinks she deserves to be treated like this.

 

.

 

I am not saying that she is consciously and deliberately doing anything to turn off decent guys.

 

But it is a viscious cycle. she falls for a creep who treats her badly and chases after him and decent guys shake their heads and turn their back and then it seems like that is all she can get, so she chases the creep that much more and it turns the decent guys off that much more and so on and so on.

 

Then once one creep sees another creep score off her, then his predator instincts will kick in and before you know it, it does seem like that is all she can attract.

 

The creeps and the predators are definitely not going to be the ones to try to break that cycle because they are the ones benefiting from it the most.

 

The good guys aren't going to come forward and try to break the cycle because it's a turn off and a slight to them and why should they get any of that dirt on their hands.

 

Therefor it is up to her to break the cycle.

[jah526]

To be honest, no one has been interested in me for a very long time. I'm in a place with few friends and no family. This guy knew I was alone and lonely. He offered companionship until it became clear he was really after something else. Even now, he still claims I'm his best friend. And for someone who doesn't have many friends, it is hard to reject that, even with evidence to the contrary. I'm middle-aged and reserved. It is a choice between some crumbs of affection or an empty void for me.

[anina27]

I found your post and after reading it my heart sunk into my stomach. First let me say my condolences on the passing of your mother. Next, I know the type of guy you are taking about. I battle the same issues you do with the same kind of man. You're guy is a narcissist. How do I know because I lived and dated one that displayed the same type of behaviors, exactly to the ... Trust me when I tell you, things will only get worse. Every time you walk away and comeback the honeymoon gets shorter, the erratic behavior from his part gets worse and worse. He wants you to go gym because you need to look a certain way in order to stand beside him. Vanity, and admiration from others is what drives their ego and self-esteem. Triangulation is another tactic ( him running to another girl when getting back to the office), this is intended for him to show you how easily you can be replaced! He has many tricks up his sleeve and I hope you experience none of them anymore. You mention that at your work nobody thinks this is wrong?! People in your office gather around him and listen to his stories in admiration while being brainwashed by his charm and charisma... He is recruiting supplies.... That's what they do. That's what they need. They are soul vampires. This situation will get worse before it gets better unless you remove yourself from it. I know you need your job and it's not that easy to just up and leave but one of you guys has to. And it won't be him. Start looking for other avenues of employment, educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder, observe his behavior and recognize his motives. I wish someone told me all these things two years ago to the day, I would have made different choices in my life. I am a co-dependent also, my point is we can't keep running from it for the rest of our lives. Accept it and deal with it. You are a strong person, you will amaze yourself what you can overcome. Find love within yourself than you will find love in others. Your story breaks my heart and brings me to tears. I believe in you.

[jah526]

Thanks, anina. Your post helped me out a great deal today.

 

I actually think he has a more sinister intent for wanting me to go (demanding, really) to the gym than that he wants me to be in shape, although that may be part of it. You touched on that with what you said about him recruiting supply... I think he is fishing for his next victim. I help in that regard because 1) it makes him look like a nice guy for always bringing his friend to the gym and 2) because if I'm around him it means he must be harmless. It's also a way to keep me on the hook.

 

About the triangulation, I think you are dead on. He actually texted me today to say he has made 2 new friends since I stopped going to the gym a couple days ago. One of them is his female instructor.

 

I'm wondering if he could actually be a sociopath. I know he's doing some scams online. And he seems to love manipulating me just for the fun of it. People, women especially, are objects to him.

 

Anyway, I am tired of all this. I'm going to block him on my phone (that's how he manipulates me), maybe even change my number. I made a call to the counselor today, just waiting for her to get back to me. And I have begun to look for other jobs. One interview next week.

 

Once again, thank you all so much for your support. I don't know if I would have been able to make this much progress without it. Anina, you are a wise woman, and I'm sorry for what you have been through too.

[Birdies]

Thanks, anina. Your post helped me out a great deal today.

 

I actually think he has a more sinister intent for wanting me to go (demanding, really) to the gym than that he wants me to be in shape, although that may be part of it. You touched on that with what you said about him recruiting supply... I think he is fishing for his next victim. I help in that regard because 1) it makes him look like a nice guy for always bringing his friend to the gym and 2) because if I'm around him it means he must be harmless. It's also a way to keep me on the hook.

 

About the triangulation, I think you are dead on. He actually texted me today to say he has made 2 new friends since I stopped going to the gym a couple days ago. One of them is his female instructor.

 

I'm wondering if he could actually be a sociopath. I know he's doing some scams online. And he seems to love manipulating me just for the fun of it. People, women especially, are objects to him.

 

Anyway, I am tired of all this. I'm going to block him on my phone (that's how he manipulates me), maybe even change my number. I made a call to the counselor today, just waiting for her to get back to me. And I have begun to look for other jobs. One interview next week.

 

Once again, thank you all so much for your support. I don't know if I would have been able to make this much progress without it. Anina, you are a wise woman, and I'm sorry for what you have been through too.

 

I'm proud of you for this! You are a worthy wonderful woman and deserve so much more than some sociopath ****ing with you for his own sick warped purposes.

 

Have you thought about a Meetup? Or most libraries have a book club that's open to the public.

[jah526]

I'm really not doing well today. Took the day off from work. Cancelled the interview - just couldn't do it. I did call a couple of counselors today. The one I wanted to see is not taking new patients. The second one just called and I will schedule an appointment with her tomorrow. That gives me some hope.

 

I haven't had any contact with this guy since Friday, when I let a bunch of his messages come through without replying. I blocked him, but the messages can still come through although they are hidden. I didn't tell him not to message me but I assume he'll get the hint. I just need to make it stick this time, because the back and forth with him was driving us both crazy.

 

I know this "relationship" was dysfunctional, but in some ****ed up way I think it was helping me cope. I guess it was distracting me from the bigger issues in my life, things I don't want to face, like my mother's passing. I feel like I'm barely functioning right now.

[Birdies]

I'm really not doing well today. Took the day off from work. Cancelled the interview - just couldn't do it. I did call a couple of counselors today. The one I wanted to see is not taking new patients. The second one just called and I will schedule an appointment with her tomorrow. That gives me some hope.

 

I haven't had any contact with this guy since Friday, when I let a bunch of his messages come through without replying. I blocked him, but the messages can still come through although they are hidden. I didn't tell him not to message me but I assume he'll get the hint. I just need to make it stick this time, because the back and forth with him was driving us both crazy.

 

I know this "relationship" was dysfunctional, but in some ****ed up way I think it was helping me cope. I guess it was distracting me from the bigger issues in my life, things I don't want to face, like my mother's passing. I feel like I'm barely functioning right now.

 

I'm sorry. Big hugs! Counseling with definitely help although it will take a while to be effective. You're doing the right thing!

 

Great on ignoring him. Keep it up!

 

Have you thought about getting a pet, if you don't have one? I've had a terrible year (my own doing), and coming home to my kitties makes me soooo much happier than if my house were all cold and empty. It can literally be a lifesaver - lots of research about how people with pets live longer and are happier, etc. If you can't do a cat or a dog for whatever reason, even smaller ones are so fun. I had a pet rat when I was a kid, and he was the snuggliest most fun little guy ever. Very clean and not gross.

 

Sending hugs xoxoxox

[cloche]

No one has really commented on what you are really asking - why are you so attracted to someone who treats you so poorly?

 

Great post, Midnight.

 

Jah, in your opening post you wrote:

 

...and he was nice to me when others were being mean.

 

which seems significant. Could you maybe tell us a little more about that?

[jah526]

Great post, Midnight.

 

Jah, in your opening post you wrote:

 

...and he was nice to me when others were being mean.

 

which seems significant. Could you maybe tell us a little more about that?

 

I work in a very political work environment with a lot of backstabbing and favoritism. Things have calmed down now but at the time this guy was a sort of confidante and safe harbor for me. In retrospect I'm sure he could sense my vulnerability like a shark smells blood.

[jah526]

I broke (self-imposed) no contact today to tell him about a mutual friend who had an emergency. Innocuous enough, right? Within hours we were having sex. He knows how to break me, and I am too weak, too addicted.

 

Found a book online I may have to read: The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. It's about the relationship between narcissists and codependents.

 

And I have an appointment with a psychologist in a couple of weeks, so there's that.

[CharmKeeper]

Hello JAH,

 

First, have you been tested for HIV? If not, go today! My xmm was very similar to the description you gave of this guy. It took me a while to figure out that I was a target. The psychologist will help you a great deal - so make sure you go.

[gettingstronger]

I broke (self-imposed) no contact today to tell him about a mutual friend who had an emergency. Innocuous enough, right? Within hours we were having sex. He knows how to break me, and I am too weak, too addicted.

 

Found a book online I may have to read: The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. It's about the relationship between narcissists and codependents.

 

And I have an appointment with a psychologist in a couple of weeks, so there's that.

 

 

He did not break you, you broke yourself- if it was a friend, he would have heard about the emergency at some point without you- you used this friends emergency as an excuse to make contact-

STOP doing that-looking for reasons for contact-

[jah526]

He did not break you, you broke yourself- if it was a friend, he would have heard about the emergency at some point without you- you used this friends emergency as an excuse to make contact-

STOP doing that-looking for reasons for contact-

 

You are absolutely correct. Weird thing is I was feeling stronger. That's when it seems like I fall the most - when I think I can handle it. Clearly I can't.

 

Haven't been tested but we have been safe at least.

[jennifernyc84]

You are absolutely correct. Weird thing is I was feeling stronger. That's when it seems like I fall the most - when I think I can handle it. Clearly I can't.

 

Haven't been tested but we have been safe at least.

 

Hi jah,

 

I've been following your thread and I can say honestly that you and I are in a very similar situation.

 

My xMM keeps emailing me. He's blocked but they just go to junk mail.

 

I've had times when I feel strong like, like I can move on and like he's not that important. But that's when life will try to bring you down even more.

 

You know what I've found out in the passed few days? You can't fear that pain. That empty, sad, alone feeling. The feeling that you'll never find anyone else like him (we should be so lucky) or you'll never love again. It's not real. It's all lies. Like the boogeyman.

 

The pain...it's real. But it will not last forever!

 

We have to feel this pain to move passed it. Getting a quick fix will only prolong it when the R fails again.

 

We have to stay NC. I know it's the HARDEST thing ever. Especially when he's calling/texting. We can't cave.

 

I know we've both got a long road to recovery, you and I.

 

But my faith is getting a little stronger every day.

[jah526]

Hi jah,

 

I've been following your thread and I can say honestly that you and I are in a very similar situation.

 

My xMM keeps emailing me. He's blocked but they just go to junk mail.

 

I've had times when I feel strong like, like I can move on and like he's not that important. But that's when life will try to bring you down even more.

 

You know what I've found out in the passed few days? You can't fear that pain. That empty, sad, alone feeling. The feeling that you'll never find anyone else like him (we should be so lucky) or you'll never love again. It's not real. It's all lies. Like the boogeyman.

 

The pain...it's real. But it will not last forever!

 

We have to feel this pain to move passed it. Getting a quick fix will only prolong it when the R fails again.

 

We have to stay NC. I know it's the HARDEST thing ever. Especially when he's calling/texting. We can't cave.

 

I know we've both got a long road to recovery, you and I.

 

But my faith is getting a little stronger every day.

 

Jennifer,

 

Thanks so much for your reply. I've been following your thread also, and you are inspiring me!

 

One thing that makes my situation difficult is that we work together and I have to interact with him sometimes.

 

But you are so right about the fear. I don't believe it's ever going to happen again for me (I'm a lot older than you), but I guess I need to either come to terms with it, or make more of an effort to meet people.

 

I am proud of you for staying strong!

[jah526]

2 days no contact. Zero, zip, nada. Not even a "hi, how are you" after what happened on Wed. Not gonna lie - that actually makes me feel like ****, even though I know he doesn't have feelings for me. I have a really hard time getting it into my thick skull how someone can be so callous.

 

He left it still wanting to know if we could be regular **** buddies. Last time I said no, and then fell off the wagon, so I left it up in the air this time. I know who he is though, and he has told me before he never gives up. And now he knows the easiest way to manipulate me is to just sit back and wait until I can't take it anymore.

 

Not this time though. I just have to fight through the pain and anger I guess.

 

This is going to be my first Christmas without my mom, who loved Christmas. She told me last year she was so happy to have been able to spend that Christmas with me. She knew she was dying. My heart is so broken.

[nalfy88]

Right, first off please let me you are still alive as this man is DANGEROUS??! Please get out now, this man will start psychologically abusing you until you think it is something wrong with you. He has no qualms about attacking you physically. Please run from him now, and report him to the police, as this guy will end up killing you GUARANTEED!

 

Don't mean to scare you, but if this is not a troll post, please get out now for your own safety!