Roxychic87 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. he is an amazing guy and we have a great relationship. We are both in our late 20's. When we first started dating he said that he wanted a family. Later in our relationship when I brought up the idea of children he said that he didn't see himself with kids right now. I'm not sure why he said that but it got me thinking. I want to be a mother at some point. Not right away but within a few years. So thinking that he never wanted kids and that was a deal breaker for me, I decided to leave him. It was the hardest decision. I was breaking his heart and mine. I felt I needed a man who shares the same values as me. So we have been separated a few months with no contact. It has been hell for me. He was my best friend and I feel like there is this whole I'm my heart that can't be filled. Then one day he texts me saying that he would like to talk. So I decided to hear him out. He told me that he loves me and misses me dearly. And I told him that I left him because we wanted different things in life. He then started to get emotional and he said that he wants to be the best man that he can be for me. He said that he didn't want kids at the moment because he's scared. Scared of failing at being a dad. He said that he isn't against the idea of having children. I wondered why he couldn't say this before? I could see it in his eyes that he truly meant what he said. My concern though is that he is saying this out of fear, fear of losing me and then when we get comfortable again he will fall back to where he was. You can't run away from the things you're scared of. Life is really scary. He says he wants to take our relationship forward and commit to me. I love him more than anything and want to be with him. I just want to know that he really wants this and is not just saying it impulsively. 1
Satu Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Welcome to Loveshack, Roxychic87. Having children requires a certain level of confidence. Confidence in yourself Confidence in your partner Confidence in your relationship He's not there yet, and neither is the relationship. He can't just make himself feel ready, when he isn't. He's not the man you need. Take care. 3
Redhead14 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. he is an amazing guy and we have a great relationship. We are both in our late 20's. When we first started dating he said that he wanted a family. Later in our relationship when I brought up the idea of children he said that he didn't see himself with kids right now. I'm not sure why he said that but it got me thinking. I want to be a mother at some point. Not right away but within a few years. So thinking that he never wanted kids and that was a deal breaker for me, I decided to leave him. It was the hardest decision. I was breaking his heart and mine. I felt I needed a man who shares the same values as me. So we have been separated a few months with no contact. It has been hell for me. He was my best friend and I feel like there is this whole I'm my heart that can't be filled. Then one day he texts me saying that he would like to talk. So I decided to hear him out. He told me that he loves me and misses me dearly. And I told him that I left him because we wanted different things in life. He then started to get emotional and he said that he wants to be the best man that he can be for me. He said that he didn't want kids at the moment because he's scared. Scared of failing at being a dad. He said that he isn't against the idea of having children. I wondered why he couldn't say this before? I could see it in his eyes that he truly meant what he said. My concern though is that he is saying this out of fear, fear of losing me and then when we get comfortable again he will fall back to where he was. You can't run away from the things you're scared of. Life is really scary. He says he wants to take our relationship forward and commit to me. I love him more than anything and want to be with him. I just want to know that he really wants this and is not just saying it impulsively. My concern though is that he is saying this out of fear, fear of losing me and then when we get comfortable again he will fall back to where he was. -- He will . . . keep moving. 6
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 How long were you broken up. I don't want to disappoint you but he didn't tell you anything new. He is afraid of being a dad, and he wants to be the best man he can be for you but he says nothing about getting married or children. I really don't see how you're ahead with this. After 4 years together he got plenty of time to decide if he wants children or not and you're both about to reach your 30s. At some point you've got to take a risk and jump both feet. ALL men are afraid of becoming a father, and afraid of the responsibilities. It's nothing new. It comes with the territory. Because he said nothing new really I think going back to him would just be wasting your time if not having children is a deal breaker for you. 4
Author Roxychic87 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 We have been broken up for around 3 months. He said that he was scared but wants to have a family with me. I told him I wanted a man to be with, live in a house together and have children. Is that much to ask? And he said not at all, he wanted to do that. This is new to me. He hasn't said those things before. 2
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 We have been broken up for around 3 months. He said that he was scared but wants to have a family with me. I told him I wanted a man to be with, live in a house together and have children. Is that much to ask? And he said not at all, he wanted to do that. This is new to me. He hasn't said those things before. And you did not tell them to us. What is his plan? If a man comes back to offer you what you want he has to have a plan with concrete steps and dates. 3
Herbalist Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Call me pessimistic but the way it looks to me is like he didn't want kids and was telling the truth, and that's not something that changes in a matter of months, let you go and then tried dating again, no luck after 3 months so now he is back to tell you the same lie he told you when you first started dating him. It worked the first time, so he thinks it will work again. 4
BluesPower Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Here is the deal, 4 years is long enough for someone, anyone to decide if they want to spent the rest of their lives with someone. You guys are in your late 20's it is time for him to poop or get off the pot. This is what you two should be talking about, do you want to be together or not and if he says he does, it is time to get married. From what you have said, he kind of sounds like a Man-child. They are "scared" to commit and get married, they are "scared' to be a dad, blah, blah, blah. What they are "scared" of is growing the hell up and being a man. I had 3 kids by the time I was 26 and finished collage. I think you really need to move on from him, he does not want to grow up. 4
preraph Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 The worst thing you could do for your children is have them with someone who doesn't really want them. And if you do this anyway, you will end up doing it ALL yourself because he has the excuse of never wanting them anyway. So in essence, even though he will end up "loving" them, he never wanted the responsibility, and having them won't change that. He's old enough to know what he wants. He's probably just missing getting laid and desperate enough to promise you anything. My friend was ready to have a baby and told her bf she was going to (they were plenty old enough, in their 30s) whether he stayed around or not, and now she has a husband who doesn't feel like he has to commit to anything he doesn't want to as far as helping take the kids to school or anything else. If does something if and when he feels like it and she can't count on anything except a paycheck otherwise. 1
darkmoon Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 kids cost money, for the first three months minimum, you will only have one wage coming in, his I think he wants to do the right thing as he has thought about it, hell, I'd be nervous too 1
Author Roxychic87 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 I even told him that I don't even know if I can get pregnant. He then replied with " all we can do is try."
Sweetfish Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Wow... interesting advice here. Having a child and getting married are very very huge life decision. It will change your life forever and just reading this thread I feel the pressure. The guy says he wants to be a better man and you guys throw him under the bus.. He said he didn't want kids right now.. Not that he didn't want kids... So basically your needs overrule? Honestly, sounds like you want kids now.. so your way or the highway? 1
Els Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 If you two were in your early 20s or you weren't sure whether you want kids, I'd say maybe give it another try. But given that you are certain you want kids and you are in your late 20s, you should probably move on and look for someone who is certain that HE wants kids. 1
aileD Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I'm optimistic. I think this is what you do, the mature way. It's the way good relationships are supposed to work. You stated what you needed, he was honest. You decided it was a deal breaker and broke free. He reconsidered because it's really just about when and not yes/no and he spoke to you about his fears. It's pretty obvious you guys love each other. Sometimes it does take a wake up call and a few months apart to reassess. Before you move forward, did you tell him your fears? That he might change his mind or continue to stall and waste more of your time? Make sure he knows that you don't want him to settle or resent you later. If you stay together, are you at the point where you're ready for marriage and to start going the way of family?
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I don't know why she would at this point. Why shouldn't she say my way of the highway. It has been 4 years. Sometimes you have to get people to made a decision in life. For me, she should just move on. There are times in life, many times, that you just have to lay it on the line. For example, things are going to be like this or you may leave.
Sweetfish Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I don't know why she would at this point. Why shouldn't she say my way of the highway. It has been 4 years. Sometimes you have to get people to made a decision in life. For me, she should just move on. There are times in life, many times, that you just have to lay it on the line. For example, things are going to be like this or you may leave. Because to leave a relationship of 4 years because he is not ready to make a life decision is not fair. He did not say he didn't want kids. Under pressure he admitted a fear.... Humans are not perfect. They have flaws. When your other half has flaws you dont just walk out. you work it thru. Ok.. not the best scenario..but a mistake on his part. Maybe he didn't see how serious it was that you were willing to leave him now. The question is do you want kids with HIM.. that's the real question or do you just want kids? You say the guy is amazing? A great guy? Obviously, your with him... He did not say he didn't want kids. So in the end you dumped him! Lets say he told you the truth about being a better man. Maybe he doesn't have the job he wants. Maybe he feels he needs to own a home. Who knows... This guy told you his fear and you went NC.... So please tell me what exactly he did wrong can you please tell us why this guy is so amazing? Can you tell us more about him that he deserved to be dumped by someone he loves? Do you think he would string you along as long as possible and not give you the child you wish for?
SoleMate Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 If he had come back explaining in detail how and why he has truly changed his thinking, and actively promoting his plan for marriage and kids so that you didn't have to push it, you could just go with the flow and his leadership on family formation....well then, that would have made it seem like he was sincere. However, he didn't do that. The most sincere words from his mouth are the ones where he cries and says he's not sure. But this is a big important decision. Only have kids with a man who's sure he wants them. Otherwise you become a married single mother and your kids are deprived of an involved father. I suggest you go NC and let yourself grieve, then go look for the man who is willing to be honest with his true feelings and plans for family formation. Good luck! 3
SoleMate Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Check out post #10 and #11 here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/461903-hubby-not-sure-he-wants-baby for real life stories about what happens when you have children with your adored life partner who is lukewarm or downright ice cold about kids.
Els Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Wow... interesting advice here. Having a child and getting married are very very huge life decision. It will change your life forever and just reading this thread I feel the pressure. The guy says he wants to be a better man and you guys throw him under the bus.. He said he didn't want kids right now.. Not that he didn't want kids... So basically your needs overrule? Honestly, sounds like you want kids now.. so your way or the highway? Because to leave a relationship of 4 years because he is not ready to make a life decision is not fair. He did not say he didn't want kids. Under pressure he admitted a fear.... Humans are not perfect. They have flaws. When your other half has flaws you dont just walk out. you work it thru. Ok.. not the best scenario..but a mistake on his part. Maybe he didn't see how serious it was that you were willing to leave him now. The question is do you want kids with HIM.. that's the real question or do you just want kids? You say the guy is amazing? A great guy? Obviously, your with him... He did not say he didn't want kids. So in the end you dumped him! Lets say he told you the truth about being a better man. Maybe he doesn't have the job he wants. Maybe he feels he needs to own a home. Who knows... This guy told you his fear and you went NC.... So please tell me what exactly he did wrong The guy hasn't done anything wrong, but neither has she. I don't identify with her POV (because I personally don't know if I want children), but it's fairly simple to identify her reasoning. A woman's fertility starts declining rapidly from 35 onwards, so if she is 100% sure she wants children, it's a huge risk for her to remain with someone whose only words on the topic, AFTER a breakup, are "I might not be against the idea of having kids". If she is 100% sure that having biological children is what she wants in her life, and she only has about 6 years left to have a good shot at that, then obviously she should not remain with this man. Like I said, if they were in their early 20s or having kids wasn't a strong, life-defining goal for her, or even if she was instead a man with 10+ potential years of fertility ahead, then my advice would be different. Unfortunately, biology does not conform to your perceptions of 'fairness' or 'her needs shouldn't overrule his', etc. 2
Sweetfish Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 (edited) Than by all means search for a man that wants kids now. Ironically, while every life doesn't aglin perfectly. it seems that when people don't get what they want now.. they simply leave the person. So now you have to go find another man... sounds pretty simple huh? I think by four years you know your guy pretty well. So now you find a guy who wants kids and a family.. what makes you soo sure that's going to pan out so well? It might be great. who knows Does your boyfriend have a good job? Is he in school? Having a child to him.. he may feel he is just not ready yet. A lot of women want a child with no thoughts of these factors because it's what THEY want. I'm not saying he is not bs-ing you or he is.. but if he does have a fear like you said... TALK TO HIM.. don't bail on him. If he does not want a kid with you at all fair enough. Edited November 14, 2016 by Sweetfish
SoleMate Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Than by all means search for a man that wants kids now......it seems that when people don't get what they want now.. they simply leave the person. So now you have to go find another man... sounds pretty simple huh?.... find a guy who wants kids and a family.. what makes you soo sure that's going to pan out so well? ..... You make it sound petty..... like a woman peevishly wants to dump her wedded husband because he won't pay for her breast implants or something else nonsensical. But this isn't primarily about whether the woman "gets what she wants". It's about whether the life goals and values of two people are sufficiently well aligned for them to be suitable as life partners at all. If goals and values are not well aligned, then marriage is a mistake. Even more importantly, even outside the context of marriage and partnering, people should do their best to align their actions with their own personal goals and values. That's one of the major things that gives human life meaning. You're right, she may never find that other man. Or she may find a wonderful man who wants a family every bit as much as she does, and then find that a family doesn't happen, or doesn't happen the way she hoped. I would still consider that a better outcome than spending her prime years hoping, rather than acting, that one of her most important goals could occur. If the ex-bf truly loved her, and knew he couldn't offer her what she's looking for, he would let her go cleanly and wish her well.
Author Roxychic87 Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 We both are very into our careers and have good jobs. He has one semester of school left. I do not want children at this moment in my life. I want to be financially stable and ready to take on the the responsibility of being a mother with a man that feels the same. I don't see myself having children till in my mid 30's whether with this man or another. I don't doubt I could possibly find another man that is ready now but I don't want another man. I want him. We ar both scared of our futures. The idea of marriage freaks me out because so many relationships end in divorce these days because people arent willing to fight for love. It's easier to just give up. But he told me in the beginning he wanted a family and yes he's scared, so am I. He's a a very realistic man and brutally honest and that's what I love about him. He telling me not right now but not never.
darkmoon Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 sorry, but havuing a baby means only one wage, his, coming in for a few months, and as he is just at college, he needs to get a job and keep it a heavy load awaits him, you as a mom with time off for the baby may not get a job on demand, don't make him "fight" on top of that
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Sweetfish... I am all about relationships for the long haul, but I cannot tell you how many young girls that I know that have waited for a man to commit, only to be disappointed. At her age, 4 years is long enough for him to have made a decision. You either want to get married and have kids or you don't, it is really that simple. She may love him with all her heart, but she cannot make him grow up. For some reason these days, guys just don't want to grow up. I guess they like having a GF and no real commitments, or dating around and enjoying the single life. If she is ready for that stage of life, and he is not, she has to make a decision. I think she is being fairly logical about it. Sometimes people are jut not in the same place in terms of maturity and you have to move on at some point. I think she is at that point.
Sweetfish Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Sweetfish... I am all about relationships for the long haul, but I cannot tell you how many young girls that I know that have waited for a man to commit, only to be disappointed. At her age, 4 years is long enough for him to have made a decision. You either want to get married and have kids or you don't, it is really that simple. She may love him with all her heart, but she cannot make him grow up. For some reason these days, guys just don't want to grow up. I guess they like having a GF and no real commitments, or dating around and enjoying the single life. If she is ready for that stage of life, and he is not, she has to make a decision. I think she is being fairly logical about it. Sometimes people are jut not in the same place in terms of maturity and you have to move on at some point. I think she is at that point. A man in fear of commitment vs a man who will commit does not denote what kind of man or father he will be. I'm sorry, but what book or manual you are reading that 4 years is long enough to determine when to Chuck someone? Every individual is unique. It's not the 50's anymore...it would be nice to have a 9-5 a modern house with a yard, a dog and kid. It's not that anymore. He also is still in school and being pressured about kids... how nerve racking... HIS last semster.. The OP maybe fine with her job.. he is still in school. Which most older men do not do often. Which means he is trying to be better. So the stages are not aligned... so what are you implying? The OP is with this guy obviously because they have the same values and interest. They are not always destined to mesh perfectly.. this is simply fantasy. I'm just giving you a man's perspective. A women's perspective is not win all. My advise is to really talk to him.. everyone's advise is dump him... wtf On what bases? He is an amazing guy. He did not say he didn't want kids. Actively in school and says he fears he won't be the perfect father.. Yes... burn him at the stake.
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