ChelseaW Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Hello Recently married I'm 35 and hubby is 37, he's not ready for baby and doesn't know if he ever will be! My clock is ticking and really want children. We just got married a few months ago but together for about 5 years. He always said he's not sure but I love him. Don't know what to do!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Why didn't you talk about this before you got married? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Did you folks have this discussion before solemnizing your union? Did you marry him because you love him and just leave the mismatched family ambitions as a problem for another day? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 This should have been something you talked about before you got married. Sounds like a deal-breaker from your side? Kind of an important subject not to have discussed... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelseaW Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 We did talk about it! He was always kind of unsure, but said that maybe he'd want one child... I thought he'd kind of go with it, cause he knew his parents wanted a grandchild and I'm wanting a baby now too cause I'm 35 and don't want to wait anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Always "kind of unsure" isn't a definitive. Are you hoping to change his mind? What if he doesn't? Are you willing to never have children? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Yikes, that's a tight spot for your age. He's 37 and not sure? Looks like he is never going to be. So right now it is critical to decide what you want more...a child or this marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 At 37 years of age he isn't going to change to his mind. You made a big mistake marrying this guy without getting a concrete answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 You basically thought getting married would change his mind or at least nudge him in that direction...now that he is not interested you now "don't know what to do" "shocking" You brought this on yourself, how in the world do you spend 5 years with someone, then get married, just to find out this guy doesn't want a family?...do you not speak to each other or communicate? never mind, I forgot I'm in a world where no one takes responsibility and actually talks about serious issues like this, instead they just "hope" like little children. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliKatherine Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Oh dear...8 years ago I married a man I loved very much, who gave a somewhat similar answer to the kids question...and this was something that stalled my decision to marry him (we were a bit younger, 25 and 26). I eventually managed to get a "well, I'm open to it." and made it very clear that I wanted 2 or perhaps even 3children, and not wanting children was a dealbreaker for me. At the time his answer was good enough for me, being so in love and all.... Now I have 2 beautiful girls, but a very under-involved dad (there are other issues as well) and our divorce will be final in a few weeks. I know your clock is ticking, but being a single mom (or being single mom within your marriage) is no joke. I think pink_sugar is right on the money. It may not be an easy decision for you if you really love this guy,but you need to think fast and act soon. Good luck to you and your future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I am so sorry that you are in this position. I agree that this is an issue that really should have been settled before you got married. You saying that your clock is ticking seems to indicate that kids are a deal-breaker for you, so what are you going to do if he doesn't change his mind? Worse yet, what will you do if he does change his mind? Be sure that he knows in his heart that he truly wants a child and is not just doing it to appease you and his mother. The reason that I say that is because I was in your shoes many years ago. I always knew that I wanted children. When my exH and I married at the tender age of 22 he wasn't so sure whether or not he wanted kids but I was much to young and naive to think that such an important decision should be agreed upon before we got married. I loved him and that was all that mattered. The difference between you and I is that my clock was not ticking yet. I was young and, although I knew I wanted kids someday, I didn't want them right then. The first 4 years of our marriage were perfect bliss. We had a great relationship, lots of fun, enjoyed each others' company. It was all great. Then I started feeling ready for a baby. He still wasn't sure. I didn't want to push him because I had heard to many horror stories about what happens when you force someone who doesn't really want tone to have a child. So I let him know that I was ready and then I waited. Eventually he came around and told me that he was ready but that he only wanted one child. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to worry about that because I knew that if I wanted a second child badly enough he would give me one. Thankfully I never felt the urge for a second child and was always very happy with one. I say that because I am now convinced that he only agreed to the first child because he loved me and wanted to give me what I wanted. He never "really" wanted it. The fact he never really wanted our child is evidenced by the fact that he proceeded to spend the next 10 years of our married life as far away from our marital home as possible. Always out with his friends. Always partying. Always out having a good time....while I was home alone with our child. It is heart-breaking when your 4 year old looks at you with that sweet little innocent face and says "Howcome Daddy never wants to be home with us?" Although I was married for the first 10 years of our child's life, I was essentially a single mother....until ultimately we divorced because his partying lifestyle led him into an affair. Now, I'm not saying that will happen to you. I'm not saying that your husband would even consider doing the same thing as my exH did. All I am saying is that you don't know what will happen if you force someone into a situation that they are not comfortable with. Unhappy people do unexpected things. Once upon a time I thought my exH was the greatest man alive. I never thought things would turn out the way they did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 We have some excellent first-hand stories above...showing that even if you talk your husband into agreeing to a child, that is not the same as a commitment to be an involved family man. You do have a stark choice in front of you. Time to stop drifting and start steering. As in, accept that continuing your marriage means it is likely you will not have the family you want. Insisting on children will likely mean that your relationship with your husband won't last or won't be happy. (LS post from your H in 2024: "I never really wanted kids but my wife just kept pushing and then I gave in and......(blah blah blah)....so that's why I'm having an affair/getting a divorce.") If you knew right now that you were on a path to two kids and then divorce from their father in 10 years because you were tired of being a "married single mother", what would you do? Then do that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 At this point, you either divorce him or you resolve to live your life without children. You DON'T get to pressure him into having children he doesn't want. The only people who suffer when you do that is the CHILDREN. A child deserves to be brought into this world wanted equally by BOTH parents. I don't get why so many woman marry men who are lackluster or 'unsure' about a very MAJOR decision like children. It's like they are so worried about being the 'cool and laid back' girlfriend who would never 'pressure' a guy that they end up sacrificing their needs and future. Bullocks. I was very upfront with my hubby about wanting children. In fact, I was looking into artificial insemination when we were just dating as I was already in my 30's and I told him that. Then HE came to ME and said that he saw marriage and children in our very near future and he would prefer if I considered HIM as a Father to my children as opposed to a donor. So we married and now I'm pregnant. This is something that HE wanted just as much as I did. When your hubby proposed, you should have said, "I am going to want to start trying for a child no later than X date. If that is something that you do not want, I will have to refuse this proposal and we will go our separate ways." There ya go. Honest. Fair. Straight forward. Likely, your hubby would have said, "I can't make you that promise" and you would have parted on good terms. Then who knows? You could already be dating a man with goals like yours who is going to be the future father of your future children. But you didn't do that and now you're stuck. So much for being the cool girlfriend who settles for bread crumbs, right? Divorce or kiss being a Mother goodbye. Those are your only options. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Divorce or kiss being a Mother goodbye. Those are your only options. There is one more option, and that is to have more in-depth discussion with your husband. Find out why he is unsure. Share how important this is to you. If you are unable to get on the same page, talk it through with a counselor. He may be unsure due to reasons that are unrelated to how involved he would be as a father. Finance fears, or "bringing a child into a scary world" fears... If you can't get on the same page though, this is definitely a deal breaker issue. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 There Are several good responses here. My grandmother had fertility issues and though she didn't have kids until her late 30's, her husband only agreed to having kids with her because he cared about her, but he never really wanted kids himself. Thus he was never really involved in our family. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 You shouldn't have married him, I'm afraid. You told yourself it would change, but it has not. There really was no reason to believe it would. Don't make the same mistake over and over. YOu know enough now to do something different. You'll only have yourself to blame if you stay and never get a child by him. Link to post Share on other sites
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