Why do guys online always think you should trust them straight off?

[spiderowl]

I find it difficult to understand why guys online often seem incapable of understanding that women (and men) have to protect themselves at first. Guys will suggest coming round to your house to pick you up or meet. They cannot understand why you want to chat to them for a while before meeting. They know they are trustworthy and therefore assume you should know too. They basically ask you to throw caution to the wind. This is not reasonable and yet it is very common in my experience.

 

I was chatting with a guy and eventually had to conclude I could not meet him. He says we've chatted before therefore we know each other (it was a long time ago and very intermittent). He suggested meeting up for some fun and when I said no, he accused me of being uptight. He suggested coming to mine for a drink and chat - on a first meeting? I don't think so. He took offence when I mentioned that he didn't seem to be taking safety seriously.

 

Is it an ego thing or what? I would not expect a guy to be nasty and suspicious but tactfully taking care to get to know me in a public place at first seems eminently sensible. I am fed up of guys suggesting these kinds of things and then taking offence if I won't go along with their wonderful idea. What exactly is going through their heads when they say these kinds of things (apart from the obvious)?

[Redhead14]

I find it difficult to understand why guys online often seem incapable of understanding that women (and men) have to protect themselves at first. Guys will suggest coming round to your house to pick you up or meet. They cannot understand why you want to chat to them for a while before meeting. They know they are trustworthy and therefore assume you should know too. They basically ask you to throw caution to the wind. This is not reasonable and yet it is very common in my experience.

 

I was chatting with a guy and eventually had to conclude I could not meet him. He says we've chatted before therefore we know each other (it was a long time ago and very intermittent). He suggested meeting up for some fun and when I said no, he accused me of being uptight. He suggested coming to mine for a drink and chat - on a first meeting? I don't think so. He took offence when I mentioned that he didn't seem to be taking safety seriously.

 

Is it an ego thing or what? I would not expect a guy to be nasty and suspicious but tactfully taking care to get to know me in a public place at first seems eminently sensible. I am fed up of guys suggesting these kinds of things and then taking offence if I won't go along with their wonderful idea. What exactly is going through their heads when they say these kinds of things (apart from the obvious)?

 

The know you're being smart, they just want to try to persuade, coerce or manipulate you into doing what they want you to do which is to have sex.

 

he accused me of being uptight -- that is manipulation -- spinning it back on you to try to make you think there's something wrong with you.

 

Of course, they get pissy . . . they aren't getting their way.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I guess it must be frustrating if manipulation doesn't work. I don't know whether they are just manipulative guys or if that is how they were brought up to do things. The guy seemed to take it personally that I wasn't going to go along with what I felt was a pretty basic way of doing things. I feel frustrated that what could have been a good meeting with a guy who otherwise sounds really interesting just couldn't happen because of his approach to things.

[Redhead14]

Yes, I guess it must be frustrating if manipulation doesn't work. I don't know whether they are just manipulative guys or if that is how they were brought up to do things. The guy seemed to take it personally that I wasn't going to go along with what I felt was a pretty basic way of doing things. I feel frustrated that what could have been a good meeting with a guy who otherwise sounds really interesting just couldn't happen because of his approach to things.

 

They do it because IT WORKS every once in a while . . . and from some sites, maybe pretty often.

[selinaluv]

Yes, I guess it must be frustrating if manipulation doesn't work. I don't know whether they are just manipulative guys or if that is how they were brought up to do things. The guy seemed to take it personally that I wasn't going to go along with what I felt was a pretty basic way of doing things. I feel frustrated that what could have been a good meeting with a guy who otherwise sounds really interesting just couldn't happen because of his approach to things.

 

I wouldn't try and feel too down about it. He seemed like a good guy to you for a minute, but should have lost that the second he pushed himself over something that is common sense. Most men would understand that and it is not a good sign he called you uptight. This is anything but uptight.

 

Actually most good men wouldn't even suggest that option before meeting because they know the boundaries.

 

But I notice the same thing. Just asking me what I am doing and can they come over. And this is not from the "hookup" sites. I think they figure if they ask 200 times and once works... they have found success.

[spiderowl]

I have come to the conclusion that only women read the stuff about online safety. If a guy had read it, he wouldn't think of suggesting a country walk in a isolated area or coming over to pick me up at mine for a first date.

[Redhead14]

I have come to the conclusion that only women read the stuff about online safety. If a guy had read it, he wouldn't think of suggesting a country walk in a isolated area or coming over to pick me up at mine for a first date.

 

So, you're giving them the benefit of "ignorance". They know exactly what they are doing and why women wouldn't go along with it.

[phineas]

I'm sorry but this is just as much the man's fault as it is the fault of women other than op.

I've lost count of how many times a woman i met online invited herself to my house for a first date.

Guess what she wanted?

 

I also know plenty of men who have experienced the same.

 

This guy was just too dumb to realize OP wasn't one of those women.

guys need to just chill out but yeah they will still do it because it works on other women.

 

If you are younger then those guys have way more options.

Me?

Not so much.

Which means the dunderheads out there (unless really good looking) made things 5% easier for me.

 

LOL!

[Gr8fuln2020]

The more serious guys won't ask to pick you up or hang out at your or his place. Then again, it's not too far from the realm of reality to pick someone up as that was the way it was done 'back in the day.' :-)

 

I must say, though, there have been a couple of ladies I've dated that immediately gave me their addresses and in fact, one invited me to her house on the first date. She obviously trusted me, but the invite was after spending a few hours together...still, not the safe thing to do with someone you just met no matter how cordial he/she may have seemed.

 

As others have suggested, probably thought it doesn't hurt to ask in the event you are that one who finds it old-fashioned to be picked up (or he does) from your place. Not safe now days (or ever, really).

[preraph]

They don't think you should. They hope you will. That's why a lot of guys keep trying to date real young naive women, because they're so trusting they can get away with a lot.

[phineas]

They don't think you should. They hope you will. That's why a lot of guys keep trying to date real young naive women, because they're so trusting they can get away with a lot.

 

Yeah,

The young one's are so eager to please.

[Redhead14]

I'm sorry but this is just as much the man's fault as it is the fault of women other than op.

I've lost count of how many times a woman i met online invited herself to my house for a first date.

Guess what she wanted?

 

I also know plenty of men who have experienced the same.

 

This guy was just too dumb to realize OP wasn't one of those women.

guys need to just chill out but yeah they will still do it because it works on other women.

 

If you are younger then those guys have way more options.

Me?

Not so much.

Which means the dunderheads out there (unless really good looking) made things 5% easier for me.

 

LOL!

 

Oh, men should be on guard as well! You don't know who is on the other side of that keyboard.

[grays]

I have actually had guys over for a first date, like met at my place late st night, guys I'd never met and knew nothing about. And oddly met two of my very fave people that way. They're **** buddies for sure, but also true friends. Actually met them within aboutba week of each other. And it is bc of one of them being freaked out for me and uncomfortable about me doing it that I stopped. I was just in a really reckless self-destructive phase.

 

Anyhow... I don't get bothered by the suggestion, but I don't do it anymore at all and if I say no and they push, I'm out. If they can't wait till the next afternoon and meet me in public I'm not interested.

 

And I've gotten really offended about guys acting like I'm being uptight when I tell them my children are home. If they don't understand and respect that there's no place for them in my life.

 

I do think that some of them are two stupid to understand that we can't know for sure if they're the guy in the pic or that they're not gonna bring a half dozen friends with them. But who needs that kind of stupid in their life?

[Herbalist]

I think in most cases they just don't understand since they are not wise or empathetic enough to consider the woman's perspective in the first place.

 

There was a survey with humorous results, asking men and women what their biggest fear was with online dating. The most common answer among women was being murdered or raped, and the most common answer among men was that their date would be fat.

 

Most men do not go through life fearing for their safety when it comes to dating. They don't consider the possibility that the woman might drug and anally rape them to the point they need to go to the hospital, or that the woman might be a dangerous nutter who becomes jealous and obsessive and eventually murders them.

 

Most men are also completely ignorant to the reality of online dating in general, like when they write a detailed message and don't get a response, they take it very personally and imagine that the woman read it and let forth an evil cackle as she mocked him and hit delete, when in reality she may not have even read it since her inbox is bombarded worse than a spam folder, and every other guy she talks to and then loses interest in starts sending her crazy hate mail.

 

But this is a common part of human nature in general, most will not understand something they have never been through, and most will not think of things if those things are never brought up to them in some way. This isn't unique to men but is part of the human condition.

 

So the way to tell the difference between a potentially good man and a potentially sinister man is in how he responds to your caution. A man might not understand why women would be so cautious, but if he is a good person he will respect your caution. A man who is very narcissistic or has bad intentions will try to manipulate and pressure you.

 

Now all that said, there are also many things that most women do not understand about what it is like for men in online dating. Most men can send out hundreds of messages and not even get one response, which makes many men feel desperate to lock on when they do get a response. In their desperation, many men will resort to getting online advice, and much of that advice will urge them to arrange a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible (which isn't bad advice, really) and will also tell them that if they take too long, then they might get "friendzoned" or that the woman will get taken by another guy who catches her interest in-person first. This is on top of a men generally having to work much harder and spend much more time to get dates in the first place, so they also don't want to be strung along online for too long, get emotionally all hyped up (OMG A WOMAN FINALLY TALKS TO ME ON HERE) only to realize they were being catfished or something.

 

So it is actually not very weird or disrespectful for a man to push for meeting in person very early on, but of course there is a difference between meeting in a public place like a coffee shop in broad daylight, and asking to come over to your house.

[Redhead14]

<snip>

 

So it is actually not very weird or disrespectful for a man to push for meeting in person very early on, but of course there is a difference between meeting in a public place like a coffee shop in broad daylight, and asking to come over to your house.

 

[]

 

-- Uh, NO. I would not allow a man I met in a public place like a coffee shop to come to my house.

Edited November 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and consolidate quote

[Popsicle]

Why not just suggest meeting somewhere in public?

[spiderowl]

I can totally understand why a guy might press for meeting sooner rather than later. I could be stringing him along, I could be a man or some weirdo, I could be looking for endless chat but no meeting. But, this is not correct, I want to meet a great guy not chat endlessly. I chat because I want to find out more about the guy and his attitudes before we meet.

 

I have two friends who had problems with exes. Both were stalked to the point that they ended up in court having to get restraining orders. One was beaten, burned, and ended up having to move home to get away from her dangerous ex. He got three months in prison; she had to move to make sure he couldn't find her when he got out.

 

I know that the majority of guys do not fall into the above category, but it seems to me common sense for a guy to respect your need for caution at first. I cannot meet the guy I was chatting to recently because he didn't respect that, he was pressurising, incredulous when I mentioned safety (how could I think that he, an active soldier, was not the best, safest person to be with?). No matter what I said, he took it as an insult. Yes, he had no understanding or empathy and that's why I'm not meeting him.

 

It is not wise to expect instant trust. Trust has to be built gradually and hopefully that happens quickly. A guy who demands trust is - well - demanding! Maybe I don't want a pressurising guy.

[Shanex]

Personally I want to meet rather sooner than later and that doesn't mean I want to get in your panties asap.

 

A few reasons to this: those women who are on the dating site only to chat. I skip them, next them and dispose of them. Whether I am looking for a relationship or a more casual fling, I've wasted enough time in my life being the emotional support for a woman who will dispose of me after I spent weeks talking to her to never meet.

 

Now, meeting at your place as a woman is sketchy and I understand the possible physical and emotional danger here. Forget it, meet somewhere public, if you dislike bars, meet outside just make sure there are still some strangers around in any case.

 

The pressuring guys can be manipulative, and the old game to dupe the ladies into sleeping with you still works, maybe because some women are too gullible and swallow the bait or just because they are plain desperate for sex (Some are).

 

How long have you been doing OLD, spiderowl ? I assume many months if not years. Despite my experience and 'knowledge' on the thing, I still make mistakes, and don't get as much attention as I wish I would. But it still works every now and then.

[kendahke]

I prefer to meet sooner than later... I'd rather not allow my imagination to construct who I think he is because that's what I will invest in---who I think he is, not who he really is.

 

Those first meetings take place in public venues and not at my home or his home. Period. Full stop. Under absolutely no circumstances will there be progress if he begins pushing to come to my place or me to his at the first meeting. To me, that means he's only out for sex and he's welcomed to go find that with someone else. I ain't that one.

Edited November 12, 2016 by kendahke

[spiderowl]

I've been online for a long time, too long perhaps. I've become jaded with it all. It just annoys me when someone potentially interesting shoots themselves in the foot by pressurising and suggesting stupid things. I guess all it says is that they are that kind of person and then best avoided.

 

I can see why guys lose patience but if a guy is not willing to chat on and off for a week or two, then he could be losing out too. You don't ask a woman out when you first see her and expect her to say yes when she doesn't know you; why do guys assume it's ok to do this online?

 

I think this probably occurs because a guy qualifies women by he way they look more than the type of person she is, whereas women tend to want physical attraction and to know who they are dealing with.

[spiderowl]

Why not just suggest meeting somewhere in public?

 

Hi Popsicle, that's what I do, and they usually agree, but then try to switch it later as they feel more comfortable with me. The arguments seems to be that they feel comfortable with me and trust me so why not meet at mine and have a pizza? That's when it all goes pear-shaped because I conclude they are only interested in sex and as quickly as possible. It might seem all cosy and friendly to him - and it would to me if I had met him and knew him better - but not at first.

[Shanex]

I can see why guys lose patience but if a guy is not willing to chat on and off for a week or two, then he could be losing out too. You don't ask a woman out when you first see her and expect her to say yes when she doesn't know you; why do guys assume it's ok to do this online?.

 

Shanex' situation last summer:

 

Woman A seems interested, endless chat for over a month, she would never meet me, cancel numerous dates and never even send me a pic. All in all this lasted two months.

 

Woman B is interested (see one of my previous thread here), suggest a date in September right the next day we hit off online, we go on a number of dates, and are still together two months later.

 

Many men are done with those time waster, players women. I can chat for a week, sure, two weeks even. Maybe more, but the purpose of a dating site is encounters.. also I know since you've been doing that for a while that it can get frustrating for women too, for merely different reasons.

[Shining One]

I can see why guys lose patience but if a guy is not willing to chat on and off for a week or two, then he could be losing out too.

The woman can be losing out in this scenario two. I've had this situation: I'm chatting with Woman A, Woman B, Woman C, Woman D, and Woman E. Women A, B, and C want to chat for a while before meeting up. Women D and E are up for meeting after our initial conversation. I meet Women D and E for drinks. They are now "ahead" of Women A, B, and C as far as I'm concerned.

You don't ask a woman out when you first see her and expect her to say yes when she doesn't know you; why do guys assume it's ok to do this online?

I do ask women out when I first see them. Most say no, but some say yes.