feeling depressed ****Updated**** Telling his wife

[dreamingoftigers]

I've never pretended to care for the wife. I know that makes me sound horrible but I never thought about her when I was happily in the affair so I won't pretend to now. I'm doing this to hurt him.

 

Most of us BS when the dust settles don't care what the motivation was. We just want to know so that the con artist doesn't drain our lives away.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would think his AM account would be damning enough and all you would need. Even if he managed to gaslight his way out of it, It would definetly be a flag for any BS who wants to know what is going on and start them digging. And you could give that anonymously. Screenshots, links, ect.

 

Don't do it anonymously because then he just says "oh Gary from work is trying to 'wreck my life' to get a promotion and I'm being blackmailed and the whole world is against me and on and on and on....."

[dreamingoftigers]

I've got loads of screenshots photos and I have found him on a couple of other sites so I've got more than enough evidence to prove what he is.

I've even got videos of us when we've been in his house together and photos of us.

 

I'm not liking your photos and videos, but your resolve to continue forward.

 

I would suggest presenting the profiles etc. Buy saying that you have photos and videos together IN HIS HOUSE. And that you are more than willing to show them to her if she wants to see them.

 

She WILL BE ANGRY at you. Probably A LOT.

 

Expect that because you helped with the invasion of her home and marriage.

 

But please keep a line open to her and know that she's hurting times 1000.

[Forever broken]

I'm not in the BS will go crazy camp but I would be cautious with handing out videos or photos with nudity of yourself if you have that. Besides the fact that most BS don't want to actually see their WS in the act. So if by video thats what you have, don't share those. once those are out of your hands they not only will damage her but they can damage you either by her hands or his.

 

 

 

Very true. The videos and photos may end up on the Internet which can be disastrous.

[eye of the storm]

I'm normally in the don't tell camp. Not because the BS might go nuts. But because it is human nature, you throw the grenade and then stick around to watch the damage.

 

To me it just keeps you tied to the situation. Maybe I'm lucky. I didn't have to worry about telling/not telling. There are so many ties that you have to unravel in an A. To me that is what you need to be focused on. Getting yourself out, keeping yourself out, healing, and moving on. Not settling scores.

 

But I do remember clearly (after I found out my then H was cheating on me) wishing someone had come to tell me.

 

Do what you feel you need to do. But just like getting into the A. It is your choice and your consequences. And you don't get to pick which consequences.

[elaine567]

Very true. The videos and photos may end up on the Internet which can be disastrous.

I agree.

I do not think many BSs truly would want to see X rated videos of their husband and his OW anyway, but "respectable" stills/selfies that show the OW and her husband were in her house together I guess may make her sit up and take notice if she was at all dismissive or unbelieving.

[aileD]

I'm normally in the don't tell camp. Not because the BS might go nuts. But because it is human nature, you throw the grenade and then stick around to watch the damage.

 

To me it just keeps you tied to the situation. Maybe I'm lucky. I didn't have to worry about telling/not telling. There are so many ties that you have to unravel in an A. To me that is what you need to be focused on. Getting yourself out, keeping yourself out, healing, and moving on. Not settling scores.

 

But I do remember clearly (after I found out my then H was cheating on me) wishing someone had come to tell me.

 

Do what you feel you need to do. But just like getting into the A. It is your choice and your consequences. And you don't get to pick which consequences.

 

I feel similar. And I'm a BS. If you're IN the affair...tell. You have a stake. If the affair has ended, stay out of it. Because you will only be drawn back in which is unhealthy for you. Or you just want to hurt someone because they hurt you which is also unhealthy, or you wish by telling the wife BS will dump WS and they'll be yours---won't happen and not healthy.. Don't kid yourself that you want to "clear your conscious" or "she should know what a douche her H is" because you didn't care about that when you were romancing her husband.

 

Yes she should know....but if you're out of the affair it's better for you to stay out and if you tell her you are just wedging yourself right back into dramaville and hurt city.

[Midwestmissy]

[]

 

I'm on Team Tell. It's a violation on so many levels to not know about your marriage. I felt so foolish and humiliated. Who cares what the motivation is? The cheater has already destroyed the marriage. All the destruction has occurred. Telling the truth is not going to make anything worse.

Edited November 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content and removal of berating language; member moderated

[whichwayisup]

I've never pretended to care for the wife. I know that makes me sound horrible but I never thought about her when I was happily in the affair so I won't pretend to now. I'm doing this to hurt him.

 

DO NOT tell her then. You couldn't care less about her, didn't then and you don't now.

 

Revenge - Just remember since this isn't about helping his innocent wife find the truth, it's all about hurting him - YOU get what you get ... Be prepared for the fallout and for him to ruin your life even more.

 

I say walk away and forget completely. Best revenge is make peace with it all and live a happy life without letting him control you like he is now.

[msoptimistic]

Having decided just today to grow up and do the right thing and put other people ahead of my own selfishness for a change, may I ask this question. I did send inappropriate material to MM and have no way of knowing if he kept a copy of any of it. I do not have a problem telling his BW about the A but I would run the risk that he has damaging info against me. I have firmly decided to go against the odds and work on my M which will mean at some point confessing to H that I have not been truthful. I have a few things I have kept that could be incriminating. Screenshots showing calls of a long duration, proof that he was calling from a differrnt phone and he left voice mails, a couple of recorded phone calls but I didnt recotd everytime and you never know which way a conversation is going to go and these recordings are fairly tame.

 

I have always felt I would want to know and when you reach the point that you are not telling in order to attempt to force her hand to leave him but just to put her on a more level playing field with her WH, then I think you are doing the right thing. However, you could be throwing yourself under the bus as well. It seems right to make her aware, but will doing so help alleviate some guilt or just put yourself on an even hotter seat? Is it worth the risk?

[sandylee1]

Once you send pics and videos, you loose control of where they and up.

 

Unless you don't have a single friend or family member that you care about, then you're opening yourself up to so much.

 

One BH sent the video of his wife and OM having sex to her parents. The OM did it through revenge, because the BH told OMs wife about the affair.

 

If I was divorcing my husband then I'd not care about letting others see the pics or video to shame him. But I'd also be shaming you in the process . If you can handle that, then go ahead. Just don't think your life will go swimmingly after you do this.

 

And stay away from his house or you could live (or not) to regret such a bold move. You've no right to go there. Have some dignity in all this.

[elaine567]

Does this MM have children?

If he does, you will not only be blowing up this man's world you will be blowing up their world too.

That may not be a bad thing, some kids do better when parents divorce,

or the wife may absorb your info and the kids will never know about their father's infidelity, (but even if they don't "know" they may guess something is wrong because kids are pretty good at sussing out when something is not right)

or you have to consider worst case scenario that it could be totally catastrophic for them.

 

Yes, revenge may smell sweet, but you have to consider ALL the consequences of your actions here.

[Birdies]

She deserves to know, as does your husband. If you really want to work on your marriage, you can't do it with this giant secret in the way.

 

I would think sending screenshots of phone calls, etc to her is perfectly safe. I'd be wary of sending any personal photos of YOU, but do you have any of him that he sent you?

[BTDT2012]

I've got loads of screenshots photos and I have found him on a couple of other sites so I've got more than enough evidence to prove what he is.

I've even got videos of us when we've been in his house together and photos of us.

Actually, going to his wife's house speaks volumes about who you are.

[crazyinlove27]

She deserves to know, as does your husband. If you really want to work on your marriage, you can't do it with this giant secret in the way.

 

I would think sending screenshots of phone calls, etc to her is perfectly safe. I'd be wary of sending any personal photos of YOU, but do you have any of him that he sent you?

 

I'm not married. I'm single.

I wouldn't send her videos of me in them. I've got personal videos of him though.

[aileD]

[]

Take a deep breath. Admit you were used....but know that your better then that. Take this as a life lesson and reason to make and stick to some boundaries in the future so you are never used like this again.

 

THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL

Edited November 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility and respect and language violations ~6

[seren]

I would ask that anyone thinking of sending 'evidence' of an affair to a BS, or letting someone know take a long step back and think about how they are going to manage both the telling and what comes afterwards. For a BS, having an envelope land on the mat with no idea of what it contains and opening it to find out, maybe for the first time that their husband has been unfaithful is incredibly cruel. Who knows what is happening at that time, the children might be about, family, friends or worse still, she is alone, opening an envelope that shoves her face right in the middle of something she has no idea has been happening. if anyone cannot have empathy or compassion for this man or woman at the moment of seeing the 'evidence', then I hope they reap what they sow.

 

It is hard enough processing that there has been an affair without having your face rubbed into it in your own home, the place that is supposed to be your safe place, to find out the affair has taken place in the home you raise your family and live your life must be terrible, that an affair has taken place is hurtful enough. The thought of having an affair where the family live, sleep, love is, in my opinion, beyond the pale.

 

If you or anyone is going to spill the beans, for revenge or otherwise, then please let the BS have the choice of how she gets the evidence, let her at least choose what she can process and let her ensure her children are out of the way so she can fall to pieces where they cannot see it happening.

 

TBH, in the rage of D Day, had I been sent 'evidence' it would have been online in seconds, blown up and posted over town and anywhere else I could inflict most damage on the OW. Why? because it would have seemed spiteful, petty and designed to hurt me and mine, not to get back at the WS, but me and my family and for that, there is no safe place for the person who wilfully targets them or me. WS are forgiven because they are there with us during the awful time, making reparation, making plans to fix what they broke. But, the OW is not, TBH, my H told me, the OW spoke to me and she shared and I shared our truth, as we saw it, I found her gracious even though she hurt, I acknowledged that and forgave her part in the affair as she needed that. had she done the envelop drop, not a chance it would have gone down as it did.

 

If you hadn't known he was married then I understand the need for revenge or getting your own back, but to target the BS is not hurting him, but her and she has done nothing other than love her husband. I respect your honesty in saying you are doing this to hurt him and not in some after the fact remorse. That always seems so hypocritical when I read that, at least you are honest about your intentions. If you can, heal, learn from it, then go live a fantastic life as your revenge. Doing the envelop drop can backfire in ways you might not be prepared for.

[aileD]

Also to add to the above.... if you want to hurt someone this badly, then you never really LOVED him...not true love...which should say something about what lies we tell ourself in an affair. If you truly love someone, you want the best for them and for them to be happy even if it means not being with you.

[darkbloom]

I am really perplexed why he told you that he wanted to be exclusive with you but not his wife. That he's married to. Huge. Red. Flag.

[Birdies]

I'm not married. I'm single.

I wouldn't send her videos of me in them. I've got personal videos of him though.

 

Oh sorry, I saw a previous response from someone about wanting to tell the BW and work on their M, and it sounded like the OP.

 

I still think she deserves to know. As part of trying to understand and learn from my own affair, I've been reading online some at a support website for betrayed spouses. Universally, they say they wished they would have found out earlier etc. Many suspected something and were being gaslit by their denying spouses, and when the truth FINALLY comes out, having gone through that whole process is just as damaging as the affair itself.

[GollumsNightmare]

I just have a quick question. Why did you go into THEIR house during the A? And why take pictures there? That seems like such a huge FU to the BS from the MM, but what did YOU think when you did it? Seriously curious...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

This is probably a good opportunity to stop obsessing over him, and reflecting on the person you have become.

 

One day you may be in a committed relationship with your own man, and you'll think about he fact that here are women in the world just like yourself.

 

Whatever you choose to do, my advice would be to stop being cruel to her- she didn't do anything to you.

 

And counselling.

[Robert]

Moderation has done a little cleanup, it was not a duplicate account and it seems the thread jack was not intended to make it seem so.

 

Carry On

[crazyinlove27]

Been a lot of replies.

 

I did go to their home. I even stayed the night downstairs when his kids were upstairs sleeping. I feel absolutely disgusted at myself for that. Any of them could have come down and seen us having sex.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Been a lot of replies.

 

I did go to their home. I even stayed the night downstairs when his kids were upstairs sleeping. I feel absolutely disgusted at myself for that. Any of them could have come down and seen us having sex.

 

I thought it was over and you were going to tell his wife? Wasn't that was this was all about?