Concerned about quality of communication?

[basil67]

Have you ever met this guy? How often do you get to spend time in each other's presence? When you are together, is he keen?

[Chris516]

It could be a lack of interest........

 

BUT, It could also be a fear on the other person's part; confusion due to societal norms, like who should pay for dinner or an event, or would you go 'dutch'.

[smackie9]

A lack of effort means a lack of wanting to invest. Tho he enjoys the chats and the attention, he isn't going to put much weight into it due to the distance. He's smart.

 

BTW you are not dating, you are internet penpals flirting with each other.

[justwhoiam]

Stop videochatting. Don't send pictures. See what happens.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I am dating a guy long distance and his texting habits take getting used to. Sometimes he can go from a couple hours to 1/2 day w/out texting me, but he is active on social media (this has been like this from the start). Yesterday we had a vid chat for several hours, where he was excited about me visiting, how much he appreciates me etc. Today I texted him good morning w/no response until 1/2 day later (yes he posted on social media), sometimes he answers, other times he doesn't. What's your perspective?

[Els]

This concerns me. After going down to meet the guy I'm dating, he wanted me to come again. I am thrilled to go down there and I don't mind spending the $. The thing is though he offered to pay 1/2, I found super cheap tickets and he told me too book them w/out an offer to pay for 1/2. He is going to come down as well, a little later, but has yet to book the tickets (said he was going to wait until he got paid). In the end we would spend the same amt of $ on tickets if we split both, just that I'm afraid I will be always footing the bill. I know he isn't well off and struggles, I accept that, but if I say I'm going to do something, I'll do it, even if it means saving up and stuff. The $ is not the issue for me, I am not materialistic, but if he offered to pay, I want him to actually fulfill his end. Is this a bad sign of an unequal relationship in the making? Just to repeat this isn't about the $, just the principle of things.

 

I dated a guy who was cheap and very egotistical, I didn't mind spending on us and he was so tight w/his $ when it came to me. I know this guy would cover food and activities, but I would also be paying for my hotel. Am I expecting too much?

I'm going to make sure he books the tickets to visit me (he told me leaves everything to the last minute).

 

It really sounds like he's just sitting back and letting you do all the work. What does he do for you and for the relationship? What is your reason for wanting to invest in a LDR with this person when it's going to be much harder than a regular R off the bat? I'm not against LDRs, but you really need to see a demonstration of effort from the other person and you need to have the sort of bond that you can't easily find just anywhere. This guy sounds like neither of the above.

[justwhoiam]

I don't understand either.

 

You come from a situation you don't want to repeat. And what are you doing? Going down the very same path.

 

I can tell you, I feel something's wrong in the way you let us know you're better off than him. At this point, go out and get a ring for yourself, since you can afford one, he probably cannot.

 

A woman who achieved something in her job usually needs to have a man who also achieved something professionally. That's how people are wired. You can claim it doesn't matter, but in the end, it does. Can you just imagine how that would turn you own. A man who has initiative, who can book a table at a restaurant, who can surprise you with plane tickets for a visit, etc.

 

I guess you can't have any of that with this man, and in the long run, it will make you doubt the relationship. The process has already started.

 

It's not just the material side of it, it's also about roles. Do you really want to be the one wearing pants? I guess you need to be pampered a bit. You seem to need a different man. Don't repeat bad choices.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I began dating a guy I met online LD a couple months ago. Yes we have met and I am visiting him very soon. He is very excited to see me and even cancelled a trip w/friends to be w/me those days. That to me is a very good sign. I can't shake the feeling though that he isn't as into me as I am into him. The other day he told me how lucky he was to find someone like me and really wants a relationship w/me. The thing is I feel like I initiate a lot, vid chats (he has initiated a few times), he is always open to talk to me for a couple hours, but I wish he would initiate a vid chat.

 

He has been a terrible texter from the start, so idk if that's just him or just not attentive. I am over being w/guys who don't have the same enthusiasm for me as I do for them. Could this be anxiety from being treated poorly? I feel as though if someone truly cares about you, you won't even be doubting whether they care for you.

[LastAcorn99]

I think one of the disadvantages of a long distance relationship, especially when the meeting happened online, is the emotional roller coaster. Not being able to have the person of interest around, to observe how they behave, can definitely be a challenge. And, yes, a guy’s lack of initiation can be very frustrating, I know. Have you shared your concerns with him? I would suggest that you see how it goes after you speak to him about this. If any of your other concerns arise from character flaws, don't ignore that nagging feeling. All the best!

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I think one of the disadvantages of a long distance relationship, especially when the meeting happened online, is the emotional roller coaster. Not being able to have the person of interest around, to observe how they behave, can definitely be a challenge. And, yes, a guy’s lack of initiation can be very frustrating, I know. Have you shared your concerns with him? I would suggest that you see how it goes after you speak to him about this. If any of your other concerns arise from character flaws, don't ignore that nagging feeling. All the best!

 

I did casually mention it, but I do plan on telling him that its super important to me. He did text me (over a day later) and apologized, which is fine, but I really don't want it happening again. The most frustrating thing is he keeps saying he is a very lucky guy and I'm just sitting there thinking, well then act like it lol:lmao: I know you can feel distance even if the person is right next to you (as what happened w/my ex). When he does text me it feels good and like as though he cares.

[salparadise]

He did text me (over a day later) and apologized, which is fine, but I really don't want it happening again. The most frustrating thing is he keeps saying he is a very lucky guy and I'm just sitting there thinking, well then act like it lol:lmao: I know you can feel distance even if the person is right next to you (as what happened w/my ex). When he does text me it feels good and like as though he cares.

 

Don't want what happening again, precisely? You thinking, "I'm starving for some video chat," and him not telepathically picking up on it and initiating it at the exact moment you're thinking it?

 

You're going to drive him and yourself nuts. You're putting way too much importance on these highly perceptual things, and it does seem as though you're anxious. If he's nearly always willing to talk, and if he text you back when you text him and also texts you first part of the time, then I think you're conjuring up issues that don't even exist.

 

I don't know what you mean by being a bad texter. Is he not entertaining enough, does he not respond quickly enough, or is this about who texts first as well?

 

People are just different. He might perceive that the quality and frequency are just fine, in which case making an issue of it all the time is going to make you look like a clinger and could put a damper on his enthusiasm.

 

You have to distinguish between what is real vs. what exists only in your head.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

So my bf has been a terrible texter from the beginning, but I am starting to wonder if it is something I can live w/. We have been dating LD for 3 months and we have met twice. The last time I went down we were practically attached at the hip for the entire time I was down there, he spoiled me despite not having a lot of $ and he just wanted to be w/me. Now I'm back to once a week vid chatting and sporadic texts throughout the day (sometimes we exchange only 10 or so a day). He isn't busy and said he would try (it has gotten a little better).

 

The last time we vid chatted he told me he wanted me to know that he wanted me in his life. Should I be concerned about lack of texting? If this is the way he texts how do I cope?

[Els]

So my bf has been a terrible texter from the beginning, but I am starting to wonder if it is something I can live w/. We have been dating LD for 3 months and we have met twice. The last time I went down we were practically attached at the hip for the entire time I was down there, he spoiled me despite not having a lot of $ and he just wanted to be w/me. Now I'm back to once a week vid chatting and sporadic texts throughout the day (sometimes we exchange only 10 or so a day). He isn't busy and said he would try (it has gotten a little better).

 

The last time we vid chatted he told me he wanted me to know that he wanted me in his life. Should I be concerned about lack of texting? If this is the way he texts how do I cope?

 

Did you even read our posts???

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I have been dating my boyfriend long distance for a few months, we met online, but I have been down to visit him 2x because I had more flexibility. The 2nd time I was down there he told me that he loved me. Although I paid for my trip, he did cover pretty much all the activities we did together. He is supposed to come visit me at the end of the year, I asked him to come and he said he would. He talks about how much he can't wait to see me, hold my hand etc.

 

One thing though, he has yet to buy plane tickets to come here. At the moment they are the cheapest they will be and in a couple weeks they will be more then 2x as expensive. He has the time to come down and a place to stay. Why the hesitation? I have talked to him a couple times about the tickets (he has looked, but not booked) and I casually mention stuff we are gonna do. Opinions? If he told he couldn't make it, that would be different. Do some people just take longer to book the tickets? I booked mine as soon as I found out I was going and even had push our first meeting farther because the tickets were crazy expensive. I'm trying not to get hopes up, but I feel if he didn't want to come, he would avoid talking about it completely, but I mention it and he does as well.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Ilovelifeforwhatcome

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Did you even read our posts???

 

Sorry for not answering, our communication has gotten a little better, we vid chat a lot more. In the next couple of weeks, I will be making the decision to keep this relationship or not.

[bummer]

Patience. Everyone plans things differently. If the other elements of your long-distance relationship are good (good conversations, engaged in each other's lives, etc) then he will book when he wants to book it!

 

If there are other cracks showing, you should be cautious.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Patience. Everyone plans things differently. If the other elements of your long-distance relationship are good (good conversations, engaged in each other's lives, etc) then he will book when he wants to book it!

 

If there are other cracks showing, you should be cautious.

 

The only thing that is a struggle for me is the amt of daily communication, but he has been like this since I 1st met him. He has gotten better, where he is open to more vid chat and he doesn't mind staying hours w/me on it. He always compliments me, tells me he loves me and misses me. I guess people have always disappointed me in the past and I always expect to get hurt.

[bummer]

well, your expectations are a double edged sword.

 

They keep you safe from being hurt again, and they make you seem potentially "overbearing" or "over-engaged" in an early relationship where he may be taking things more slowly.

 

If your spidey sense is tingling, I would pull back a bit and see if he puts more effort forward. More literally, stop texting and contacting him first. See if he initiates. It's a bit of a game, bit of a test, but when you two are planning expensive visits and tying yourselves together long-distance, it doesn't hurt to get a reality check of how invested he is.

 

From the little you've posted, seems you are more into him than he is into you. He is a gentleman, but he is taking it slow. I don't see any red flags, so just be patient.

 

Lastly, if your expectations are NOT being met, why waste the time with having an LDR? If you need more constant contact and assurances, you should date more locally?

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

well, your expectations are a double edged sword.

 

They keep you safe from being hurt again, and they make you seem potentially "overbearing" or "over-engaged" in an early relationship where he may be taking things more slowly.

 

If your spidey sense is tingling, I would pull back a bit and see if he puts more effort forward. More literally, stop texting and contacting him first. See if he initiates. It's a bit of a game, bit of a test, but when you two are planning expensive visits and tying yourselves together long-distance, it doesn't hurt to get a reality check of how invested he is.

 

From the little you've posted, seems you are more into him than he is into you. He is a gentleman, but he is taking it slow. I don't see any red flags, so just be patient.

 

Lastly, if your expectations are NOT being met, why waste the time with having an LDR? If you need more constant contact and assurances, you should date more locally?

 

I actually have pulled back from texting and yes he does text me 1st. I really care about him and I have not had any luck w/local guys. In my 1st relationship we had tons of contact, saw each other many times a week and still he didn't care for, so I know texting style does not determine the quality of the relationship.

[LittleTiger]

I don't think you need another couple of weeks to decide if this relationship is good for you or not...it isn't!!!

 

You may be a naturally anxious person, but any relationship that causes you to question what's happening to the degree that you are questioning, is a non-starter. A good relationship will bring out the best in you...not the anxiety!

 

I'm going to be brutal here...he's just not that into you...I'm sorry, but he's not. Quit communicating with him and see if he starts chasing to get you back. My guess is he won't.

 

When you meet a guy who is really invested you'll look back on this 'relationship' and wonder why you wasted so much time.

[LittleTiger]

Short answer - no, I don't think he does!

 

Have you fixed the dates in both of your diaries for when he's supposed to be visiting? If you have, then leave him to sort out the flights and accommodation etc. Don't question him about it, just let him get on with it.

 

Talk about the visit if you want to, discuss what you're going to do, where you'll go etc, but his travel arrangements are his responsibility. He's a responsible adult isn't he? In which case you can assume that he'll do what needs doing to arrive where he's supposed to be on the date you expect him.

 

Then...have a back up plan for what you're going to do on those days when he is supposed to be visiting. That way, when/if he doesn't turn up, you haven't put your life on hold for someone who's basically stringing you along.

[justwhoiam]

I asked him to come and he said he would

Why did you ask him? I'd feel like he doesn't want to see me unless I ask for it......................

Or did he ask you to come back again for the 3rd time?

 

At the moment they are the cheapest they will be and in a couple weeks they will be more then 2x as expensive.

Did you tell him that?

 

Why the hesitation?

I don't know... maybe he's waiting for his pay at the end of the month, aka next week?

 

Opinions?

Why don't you ask him straight: when are you going to buy the tickets?

[Els]

Short answer - no, I don't think he does!

 

Have you fixed the dates in both of your diaries for when he's supposed to be visiting? If you have, then leave him to sort out the flights and accommodation etc. Don't question him about it, just let him get on with it.

 

I agree, just decide on a concrete date and let him sort out his own travel plans. If he fails to do so, then you have your answer.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Short answer - no, I don't think he does!

 

Have you fixed the dates in both of your diaries for when he's supposed to be visiting? If you have, then leave him to sort out the flights and accommodation etc. Don't question him about it, just let him get on with it.

 

Talk about the visit if you want to, discuss what you're going to do, where you'll go etc, but his travel arrangements are his responsibility. He's a responsible adult isn't he? In which case you can assume that he'll do what needs doing to arrive where he's supposed to be on the date you expect him.

 

Then...have a back up plan for what you're going to do on those days when he is supposed to be visiting. That way, when/if he doesn't turn up, you haven't put your life on hold for someone who's basically stringing you along.

 

We have fixed the dates for the visit. I actually got kind of sick of stressing and told him I felt anxious cause it looks like he is hesitant to come out. He said he just needs to buy the tickets and he has been looking forward to coming to my city and spending time w/me. A little positive thing is him bringing the trip up all the time, if he truly didn't want to come out, I feel like he would avoid that talk and be vague about plans.

 

I do have back up plans, but if he doesn't make it out, I know that nothing I do will make me feel less disappointed. I am actually doing a lot to make the most time out of his visit, by shuffling my schedule and finding people I can switch days w/.

[LittleTiger]

We have fixed the dates for the visit. I actually got kind of sick of stressing and told him I felt anxious cause it looks like he is hesitant to come out. He said he just needs to buy the tickets and he has been looking forward to coming to my city and spending time w/me. A little positive thing is him bringing the trip up all the time, if he truly didn't want to come out, I feel like he would avoid that talk and be vague about plans.

 

I do have back up plans, but if he doesn't make it out, I know that nothing I do will make me feel less disappointed. I am actually doing a lot to make the most time out of his visit, by shuffling my schedule and finding people I can switch days w/.

 

That's great, I hope he turns up as promised and you have a fantastic time together.

 

If he doesn't turn up, yes of course you will feel disappointed, but at least your questions will have been answered.

 

The fact that you're even questioning his intentions is a huge red flag though. Either you have good reason and your gut is trying to warn you, or you have no good reason and your anxiety is getting the better of you. Either way, it doesn't bode well for a successful LDR.

 

Nevertheless, I do wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll let us know what happens