Should Me And My Ex-GF Go To Couples Counseling?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well I am confused now, as I was told I should get out of the relationship caues she was a manipulator. Now you are suggesting to put it on hold. I am not sure what to do now.

 

She's probably manipulative, but a lot of that was you presenting her as dishonest about the slap.

 

Honestly, you both sound like you are not responsible enough to have a serious marriage.

 

Get to counseling.

[ironpony]

Yeah, you're right. I wish I hadn't done that. I have never done anything like that before.

 

But it is why I felt just as guilty as what she has done. I didn't mention the slap before, cause that was months ago, and we had all these other issues, and I thought I should bring up the slap later.

 

She was dishonest about the slap in the sense that she told my friend and my sister, that I did it during the break up, when that wasn't true, and it only happened the one time, months before. So I felt like maybe there was a reason when she said, it happened during the break up, compared to months before.

Edited November 11, 2016 by ironpony

[Sunkissedpatio]

Before you decide on anything regarding the relationship you need to figure out why you allowed yourself to be pushed to the point of hitting your partner and do something about your anger management.

 

It's not surprising when people say "I have never lost my temper like this with other people" because relationships are so intimate and emotionally intertwined it is the one place we really let our guards down and feel emotionally hurt to the point of losing our cool in ways we don't typically in social situations.

 

But that ins't the point. The point is that you need to fix that in yourself before you can be in a relationship with someone, let alone get married.

 

I would suggest the same to her, I am certain you didn't get to that point all on your own, anger is a two way street. She clearly needs to work on her end of things too. But you crossed a line and that can never happen again, it will destroy your life and everything you work hard for

 

Reading what you expressed now I cannot see how couples' therapy would work it would only mask the core issue.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I thought maybe couples therapy would help the core issue maybe, since I thought that is what therapy is for.

 

But I guess some people have been telling me that since I what I did was worse, I shouldn't be holding her so accountable on the social media rant about me.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh okay, I thought maybe couples therapy would help the core issue maybe, since I thought that is what therapy is for.

 

But I guess some people have been telling me that since I what I did was worse, I shouldn't be holding her so accountable on the social media rant about me.

 

It's not about what is "worse" or who is worse. For all we know she could be just as abusive emotionally, we don't know the dynamic of your relationship.

 

But we do know that the dynamic isn't working. Couples' therapy is for ironing out how to negotiate needs, how to compromise and communicate, and how to listen to each other in a way that leaves you both feeling heard and feeling loved. It isn't suggested to fix deep-seated trust issues or abusive tendencies. That kind of thing needs to be fixed individually and in individual therapy.

 

That's my understanding. You are welcome to see if someone in your area is willing to work with that if you are honest about the turn of events with them.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I guess Mom is making me unsure, saying that we both did something wrong, and if I am looking for a gf that doesn't make mistakes out of anger, they don't just fall out of the sky.

[Gaeta]

Okay thanks. Well I guess Mom is making me unsure, saying that we both did something wrong, and if I am looking for a gf that doesn't make mistakes out of anger, they don't just fall out of the sky.

 

 

I wonder if your girlfriend's mom would feel the same about the mistake you made when you slapped her.

[ironpony]

Well my gf called my Mom herself and talked. This is not a contest between Moms here. I am just having second thoughts cause of mine.

[Gaeta]

Well my gf called my Mom herself and talked. This is not a contest between Moms here. I am just having second thoughts cause of mine.

 

You are not understanding me.

 

Your mom is protecting you because she is your mom, she cannot be objective. She calls you hitting your girlfriend a mistake and should be forgiven.

 

If you ask your girlfriend's mom how she feel about you slapping her I DOUBT she will consider this a 'mistake' you forget and continue. She will call it a deal breaker and you'll be lucky if she doesn't file assault charges on you.

 

You get it? What you did is not only a bad thing, it's an act punishable by law.

 

So your mom saying you should forgive each other and just pick up where you left off is indicative your mother is too emotionally involved and cannot judge this situation rationally.

 

Imagine you have a daughter and she comes home crying because her boyfriend slapped her in the face? You would not be calling this just a mistake and you'd want to beat him up.

[ironpony]

Okay then. How come my Mom is not more negative then saying don't take her back cause of the mistakes she made then?

[Gaeta]

Okay then. How come my Mom is not more negative then saying don't take her back cause of the mistakes she made then?

 

 

ironpony: What your gf did on social media is nothing compared to what you did to her. Your mom is not negative about what you did because she is your mother and wants to protect you. If you came home covered in blood after killing someone she'd probably protect you. Some mothers are like that, they do not want their children to face any consequences for their actions.

 

Another thing. You hit your girlfriend months ago and you are wondering why she brought it up now during your fight. It's normal. It's because all that time it killed her inside that you had done that and she needed to let it out. She will never forget what you did, it will be in the back of her mind for the rest of her life.

 

And again, stop wondering about what she did and if you should be mad at her, this is irrelevant at this time. Like I said you need help because next time you raise your hand on a woman you may end up with a criminal record. And don't tell me you'll never do it again, they all say that.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks.

 

Well I have been thinking it over, and quite a few people on here, have said that my gf was being manipulatve and vindictive towards me, and that no counseling will help that, cause she will always be like that.

 

And all those problems I mentioned, aside from the social media one, were problems that started a long time before I slapped her. So even if I did back together with her, according to the people on here, plus friends I talked to about the problems, that the problems would still be problems in the future, cause that is how she is.

 

My one friend told that, even though what I did was wrong, she started all the problems and they will not go away, no matter how much I try to make up for it. So perhaps because of this, I should not get back together with her and give it another shot.

 

Is that fair?

[Popsicle]

No, couples counseling will not help you. You are mismatched.

[ironpony]

Well my gf keeps telling me she loves and she wants to work at the relationship and she is open to changing, since I told her the reason why I was breaking up with because she was being manipulative, and people have told me on here, in the previous threads.

 

And my Mom and sister, think I should try their couple's counseling idea, since it worked wonders for couples they know.

 

So the question is, if it's true that my gf was being manipulative as I was told, if she really loves me, can that change at all?

[Space Ritual]

So we worked it out. I felt terrible about doing it though, and wish I hadn't. A few months later, we break up, but she tells my friend that I slapped her when we broke up, my friend said, which didn't happen.

 

OP,

 

I have read all 3 of your threads in their entirety today.

 

Do not get married

Edited November 12, 2016 by Space Ritual

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes couples' therapy can work if you both are willing to change destructive patterns.

 

You seem really stuck on this blame shifting, you've gone from totally blaming yourself to now blaming her because strangers on here who only knew half the story said she was manipulative because that is what it looked like at the time.

 

She crossed a line by making public the notion you "are abusive" but that also reflects on her in social media so it looks bad on both ends. Her for involving every tom, dick and harry in your relationship problems and you for being the alleged abuser.

 

You both have anger issues and act out of them in destructive ways but you lost your cool to such extent that you actually acted out in physical violence.

 

Believe it can escalate, today it is a slammed door, tomorrow it is a punch through the door, the next day a slap in the face, the day after it is a kick that has her falling back and hitting her head on the floor. Violence escalates and no matter what caused you to lose your cool, she will push your buttons again.

 

Are you prepared for that?

 

It's one thing to play the situation out in head in theory and another to actually be in it. You are not a drunk woman-beater who does it for sport, but you have proven to yourself that when pushed hard enough you will cross the threshold. Whatever this woman does she pushes you to that limit.

 

Find a therapist that will work with you two, but you both need to be completely honest with them. You'll have to share it all in order for it to have a productive outcome.

 

Seeing your shift to now blaming her for being "manipulative" when you know full well that the reason others saw it that way was because you were withholding information, does not look very promising from the outside looking in.

 

Good luck, I hope you find your happiness and peace.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. When you say strangers on here only knew half the story, which half did I leave out? Was it the part where I slapped her?

 

Cause all threads before where people told me she was being manipulative, were situations that occurred before the slap. I wasn't withholding any information in the previous threads, cause back then, the slap hadn't happened yet. So there was no information to withhold. No slap happened back then in at the time of the previous threads, and I was completely honest in them. Sorry for the confusion. It wasn't until after the previous threads, that that happened.

 

So I was blaming her for what was happening at the time previous to the slap, based on what other people were telling me.

Edited November 12, 2016 by ironpony

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh I see, forgive me I had not read all your other threads like I had mentioned I read a few pages in and the last few. Clearly, she has issues too.

 

 

Every fight has two sides to it regardless of who starts it, unless you are with a certified bully in which case I'd question why would you subject yourself to that level of abuse?

Edited November 12, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio