Should Me And My Ex-GF Go To Couples Counseling?

[olivetree]

Finances are one of the biggest reasons people divorce.

You guys are starting off already in the hole on this one.

 

Money is important to you.

She has none and doesn't seem to want to contribute.

You are always going to be trying to protect what's yours because you have a scarcity mentality.

 

Find someone that is compatible with you and shares the same view on finances.

Then you won't even need a prenup because you will both be equals contributing to a partnership.

You will probably respect her more too.

 

Who cares what your family thinks?

They are not the ones dating her.

You are.

[ironpony]

So you think that no amount of counseling could change her, or me, into being a better couple, and seeing what to do right then? Cause that is what counseling is, right? Even though she keeps saying she loves me and is crying all the time?

[Gaeta]

So you think that no amount of counseling could change her, or me, into being a better couple, and seeing what to do right then?

It would take several meeting with a therapist, at $150 a visit how long can you afford going in therapy for the sake of your manipulative girlfriend?

 

 

Even though she keeps saying she loves me and is crying all the time?

 

Pure manipulation.

 

After what she did on social media she deserves you never address her again.

 

After what she did do you wonder how people view you after? probably as a door mat with no boundaries ready to accept anything and everything from her.

[doyathinkso]

Listen, if you two need counseling BEFORE the marriage .... please forget about the marriage.

 

It ain't gonna work out. There are better partners for each of you still out there.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Listen, if you two need counseling BEFORE the marriage .... please forget about the marriage.

 

It ain't gonna work out. There are better partners for each of you still out there.

 

That's statement is the attitude of why we have such a high divorce rate and live in such a disposable society where people get tossed out like empty burger wrappers in a quest to find the next best thing only to do it again.

Everyone is perpetually unhappy and chasing unicorns for the meaning of true happiness in love when it can be achieved with work. Why not work at it before marriage? If you can set healthy patterns before marriage it can only help to deal with all the hardships that will happen once you are with someone long term.

 

You can't force love, or attraction if you are not in love with someone or are in love with someone who is toxic of if you, yourself, are toxic no amount of couples' therapy will help. Sometimes relationships can and will be saved if the right tools are introduced. Other times it IS better to walk away. .

 

ironpony you can gain a wealth of knowledge from couples' therapy and this is exactly the time do do it. Couples' counselling is not like individual therapy where you go indefinitely. Couples' counselling is to learn tools and resources to improve your communication, and determine if your incompatibility issues can be worked through. It usually runs for 6-10 sessions so it's not like you would be investing in years of therapy like you do when you are engaged in individual sessions.

 

I am a huge proponent for therapy, both individual and joint. The key is that you both have to be willing and determined to work through what you learn.

Even if you don't end up together, what you learn is invaluable for next relationships since we tend to recreate patterns based on our attraction style.

 

So yes, I think there is great value in it if you are both determined.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Don't take if from me here are some facts:

Does Marriage Counseling Work? 8 Surprising Statistics & Facts

[ironpony]

The only reason why I got back into contact with her, is cause she contacted my Mom and my sister to talk about things.

 

My mom says that my gf seems to love me from the bottom of her heart like she says. I told her I don't know if I can get back with her, after she humiliates me to everyone on facebook, about me being abusive to her.

 

I mean I had to yell at her and put my foot down a few times, if that can count as abuse, cause I wouldn't let her to talk.

 

But my mom says that every woman gets mad and does something they regret when angry, and if I am looking for one who doesn't, it's not going to happen.

[VeveCakes]

But my mom says that every woman gets mad and does something they regret when angry, and if I am looking for one who doesn't, it's not going to happen.

 

This is BS. No, not all women go on FB and tell the world their ex abused them. Mentally unstable ones do.

 

Why do you let your mother control your love life? She is manipulating your mother.

[ironpony]

I am just wondering what my Mom is seeing in her. I mean she called my Mom and they talked for hours, and it must have been pretty good.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The only reason why I got back into contact with her, is cause she contacted my Mom and my sister to talk about things.

 

My mom says that my gf seems to love me from the bottom of her heart like she says. I told her I don't know if I can get back with her, after she humiliates me to everyone on facebook, about me being abusive to her.

 

I mean I had to yell at her and put my foot down a few times, if that can count as abuse, cause I wouldn't let her to talk.

 

But my mom says that every woman gets mad and does something they regret when angry, and if I am looking for one who doesn't, it's not going to happen.

 

 

Yes, yelling does count as abusive behaviour indeed and you can both be guilty of that. And some of us have been there too, it's not uncommon to get that angry when pushed. Doesn't change the facts though. Understand your behaviour. I am more concerned with her claims that you slapped her. How did that come about, what actually happened that she twisted it so out of context to end up there? And if it is completely untrue how can you even entertain a second go with her?

 

You don't need to answer that publicly if you wish, just things to consider and think about for yourself.

 

Look if you are just getting back with her because your mother wants you to or because this woman has managed to convince your mother she is right for you that may not be enough.

 

You need to do some serious introspection and also analyze as a whole the pros and cons of your relationship. Plus, what your ex brings to the table, what redeeming characteristics and qualities does she have that enhance your life and you as a human being. And are you even still in love with this woman? If all of that leans towards the positive end of the spectrum and you are not just being pressured by your mother or trying to quash loneliness, and she is AS determined as you are to make this work and do what it takes to make it work, only then would therapy be a good recourse. Anything less that that is just wasting time and resources on something that just isn't salvageable.

[VeveCakes]

I am just wondering what my Mom is seeing in her. I mean she called my Mom and they talked for hours, and it must have been pretty good.

 

Shes a master manipulator.

 

This is your life not your moms.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Your mother knows you far better than she knows you girlfriend, anything your girlfriend says to her will be weighed against what she already knows about you. My point being, mothers know things even if they act like you are getting away with pulling the wool over their eyes.

 

You know your mother best, and it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with her if you are this concerned to change your future to appease her then you need to ask your mother point blank what your ex told her and get to the bottom of why she is rooting for her so hard. i don't think your mom will lie to you or keep you in the dark, will she?

[joseb]

I agree with everything you said but not so much for the last part.

 

As someone who was married 15 years and divorced I can tell you the trust you feel at the beginning of a marriage can be challenged and lost along the way. You don't go in a marriage with no protection because you 'trust' your gf or your bf he won't take you to the cleaner if you split.

 

I think this is a key point that people who don't like the idea of prenups and keeping financials separate just don't seem to get. Those of us a bit older in the tooth know that people can change. Feelings can change.

 

And perhaps the laws are a bit different in Canada, but I know of no divorced friends who have not been financially wrecked post divorce. They mostly are back to where they started 20 years ago. They didn't have prenups.

 

OP I think the suggestion that you get councillng yourself is good. You seem to lack assertiveness, and don't seem to be able to evaluate anything and make a decision. Instead you rely on what others tell you to do.

[ironpony]

Yes, yelling does count as abusive behaviour indeed and you can both be guilty of that. And some of us have been there too, it's not uncommon to get that angry when pushed. Doesn't change the facts though. Understand your behaviour. I am more concerned with her claims that you slapped her. How did that come about, what actually happened that she twisted it so out of context to end up there? And if it is completely untrue how can you even entertain a second go with her?

 

You don't need to answer that publicly if you wish, just things to consider and think about for yourself.

 

Look if you are just getting back with her because your mother wants you to or because this woman has managed to convince your mother she is right for you that may not be enough.

 

You need to do some serious introspection and also analyze as a whole the pros and cons of your relationship. Plus, what your ex brings to the table, what redeeming characteristics and qualities does she have that enhance your life and you as a human being. And are you even still in love with this woman? If all of that leans towards the positive end of the spectrum and you are not just being pressured by your mother or trying to quash loneliness, and she is AS determined as you are to make this work and do what it takes to make it work, only then would therapy be a good recourse. Anything less that that is just wasting time and resources on something that just isn't salvageable.

 

Basically a few months ago, me and my gf were fighting about some things, and I got some made that I slapped in the face and snapped. After that I broke down, cried and regretted it, asking her to forgive me cause I was just mad and snapped.

 

So we worked it out. I felt terrible about doing it though, and wish I hadn't. A few months later, we break up, but she tells my friend that I slapped her when we broke up, my friend said, which didn't happen.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think this is a key point that people who don't like the idea of prenups and keeping financials separate just don't seem to get. Those of us a bit older in the tooth know that people can change. Feelings can change.

 

And perhaps the laws are a bit different in Canada, but I know of no divorced friends who have not been financially wrecked post divorce. They mostly are back to where they started 20 years ago. They didn't have prenups.

 

OP I think the suggestion that you get councillng yourself is good. You seem to lack assertiveness, and don't seem to be able to evaluate anything and make a decision. Instead you rely on what others tell you to do.

 

Sadly, as some laws may be different in Canada, it is no different in terms of people getting taken to the cleaners' post divorce especially men. As a person who is against prenups, I totally do get why people would want them.

 

I'm probably "longer in the tooth" (hadn't heard that expression in a while it always made me laugh when my mother law said that) than a lot on here as well,

 

I'd be more inclined to a prenup now that I am older than I would have been when just starting out for the simple fact that when you are younger you tend to go into marriages with less $$ or assets individually and likely will be building together, for yourselves and for your children, like in the case of this situation. But in this case the OP has a big financial advantage and I am fully in support of him wanting to protect that.

 

I suggested ways that he could still protect his asset without compromising the psychology of the relationship. His proposition was quite unique in that he wants to bring a spouse into the matrimonial home as a partner only and exclusively if things work out, if they don't then she moves out empty handed and that ends that. As a young person looking to embark in marriage and a future together that also involves children, the sense of building something together is important for the emotional well-being of the union. Yes it comes with many concessions and risks, but part of that is taking calculated risks.

 

One of the things that you learn about marriage, life, and long-term partnership is that life will and does present you with unprecedented obstacles. Today you are on top financially and are the main breadwinner for the family, tomorrow those roles could switch in a instant.

 

A good foundation of trust and support dictates that we don't keep tabs of who is steering the boat. The important thing is that the boat stays on course and you will both need to steer at one point or another. And if it feels unbalanced then for too long then there are serious problems that far deeper than the finances themselves. Because we don't typically marry financially irresponsible people, if we do then we didn't do our due diligence prior to marrying them.

 

I understand these are his life-savings and he wants to protect that and wants a fair outcome, but there are workarounds for that that don't involve a prenup and would still open him up to keeping his investments to himself and share a life and the investments that come along with that, with his spouse.

[joseb]

OP, the fact you actually slapped her changes things a bit.

I don't agree with the social media airing, but I don't think she is lying now exactly.

 

Physically hitting someone is never acceptable. So I really do think you should seek councelling for your issues.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Basically a few months ago, me and my gf were fighting about some things, and I got some made that I slapped in the face and snapped. After that I broke down, cried and regretted it, asking her to forgive me cause I was just mad and snapped.

 

So we worked it out. I felt terrible about doing it though, and wish I hadn't. A few months later, we break up, but she tells my friend that I slapped her when we broke up, my friend said, which didn't happen.

 

Wow that took immense guts on your part to address that here, thank you for your honesty. I can see why that is something you might not feel free to discuss with your mother and why you might feel put in the middle of her recommendation and knowing what you know. Is this accurate, that you cannot discuss it with your mother openly?

 

What you did is absolutely wrong, yes, but we have all been at a point of doing something that crossed the line of what is deemed healthy or acceptable in one way or another.

 

So now would be a good time to address these issues in therapy so that you never EVER go back there again, and she never EVER repeats whatever she did that pushed you to a point where you feel you have to cross a line.

 

In my experience, if someone could push you to that extent and you can push someone to that extent then perhaps your characters are not a good match. I mean if getting angry to that extent is something that happens across the board is one thing that needs to be looked at individually and fixed before even engaging in another relationship, but if it happens in one relationship only then maybe that relationship isn't right for you.

[ironpony]

I mean I never hit anyone ever. The only time I did was in a fight, in high school, but that was self defense. I never actually struck anyone like that, and I felt terrible after. So terrible I was upset and sick about it and still am.

 

But that was the only time anything like that has happened. Are her telling everyone I was abusive on facebook different now?

[Gaeta]

OP, the fact you actually slapped her changes things a bit.

I don't agree with the social media airing, but I don't think she is lying now exactly.

 

Physically hitting someone is never acceptable. So I really do think you should seek councelling for your issues.

 

huh? I have not seen that. I remember reading she accused him of slapping her but he confirmed he didn't.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I mean I never hit anyone ever. The only time I did was in a fight, in high school, but that was self defense. I never actually struck anyone like that, and I felt terrible after. So terrible I was upset and sick about it and still am.

 

But that was the only time anything like that has happened. Are her telling everyone I was abusive on facebook different now?

 

I understand, of course you are not proud or happy about that you sound like a good guy who made a mistake. But it's a big mistake that could lead to more mistakes like that if you don't address that now. The fact you are being honest about it seems like a step in the right direction.

 

Airing any dirty laundry on social media seems wrong to me. There are always two sides to every situation. She broke your trust by doing that. Like you broke her trust when you confided in your female friend or compromised her safety with the slap.

 

Now that I am seeing the bigger picture I can see why you would want a prenup to get with her but I still don't think the prenup is the answer. I feel the trust in that relationship is broken beyond repair. On both ends, you have managed to do things that leads the other to feel like you can't be trusted.

[Gaeta]

Basically a few months ago, me and my gf were fighting about some things, and I got some made that I slapped in the face and snapped. After that I broke down, cried and regretted it, asking her to forgive me cause I was just mad and snapped.

 

That is very wrong and you know it.

 

Every man that cannot contain their temper all cry and beg for forgiveness. It still does not make it right.

 

Your mom knows this I am sure, your gf told her during one of their long conversations. That is exactly why your mom wants you to go back to her, she knows you are at fault and she doesn't want your ex-gf to take this to the authorities so better make peace with her.

 

Between bad mouthing you on FB and you slapping her in the face - you're the bad one.

 

I am sorry if I am not all warm toward you. My years of abuse started with a slap in the face while I was 8 months pregnant. It's a very touchy subject for me. If a man slapped my daughter I would hunt him down and make his life a living hell.

 

You need to seek professional help before entering another relationship whether it's with her or someone else.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I know it's wrong and wish to God I hadn't have done it. But since I am the bad one, now it makes me think she is not so bad, for what she did. Am I perhaps taking it too hard that she posted on social media for my family and friends to see, if I am the worse one?

 

Like I feel more guilty, which is why it's hard to leave her over what she did, if what I did is worse. My mom says that since what I did was wrong too, maybe I shouldn't blame her so much for airing her dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Edited November 11, 2016 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

This is all irrelevent now

 

You tell her you need to seek help to fix what conducted you to physicaly hit her and you won't get back in a relationship with her or anyone else till it's addressed so this incident never repeats itself.

 

You dial and make an appointment right now.

 

You don't need to make a decision on breaking up or getting back together you just put everything on hold for as long as needed.

 

Meanwhile she should also seek help to figure out why she is crying to get back to a man that hit her.

[ironpony]

Well I am confused now, as I was told I should get out of the relationship caues she was a manipulator. Now you are suggesting to put it on hold. I am not sure what to do now.

[dreamingoftigers]

Basically a few months ago, me and my gf were fighting about some things, and I got some made that I slapped in the face and snapped. After that I broke down, cried and regretted it, asking her to forgive me cause I was just mad and snapped.

 

So we worked it out. I felt terrible about doing it though, and wish I hadn't. A few months later, we break up, but she tells my friend that I slapped her when we broke up, my friend said, which didn't happen.

 

So you DID slap her?

 

Okay, you haven't really been honest here and it sounds as though you guys should stay far far away from each other.

 

I don't care how angry you got. You don't hit people. Most of us have that down before we graduate Kindergarten.