Should Me And My Ex-GF Go To Couples Counseling?

[ironpony]

I recently broke up with my GF because of what some people have been saying. I asked other people's opinions on our problems before, in these threads before:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/577101-wrong-jerk-ish-me-ask-my-girlfriend-pre-nup-if-we-got-married

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/544812-my-girlfriend-too-much-about-money

 

After breaking up with her, my family disagreed that I should have done that, and they all like her. They kind of had an intervention for me, saying I could be losing the love of my life, and we should at least try couple's counseling instead, before leaving her forever. What do you think? Do you think that it's worth it from the problems we were having? I am open to it, if so, but what do you think?

[Dirt]

No, I would not in your scenario. Did you tell your family why? What was the reason for their response? But I'm also a saver when it comes to money and after reading both threads I knew I wouldn't tolerate what you were going through.

[Swiftintent]

After reading your other posts, if you feel like you want to work things out with her and possibly marry her one day, the counseling is definitely a good thing to look into. Maybe look into finding a premarital counselor to work with you guys.

[doyathinkso]

My feeling is that if a boyfriend and girlfriend force themselves to go into counseling it's like forcing a square peg into a round hole.

 

There is no fit.

 

You both need to find partners who do fit.

[Larryville]

My feeling is that if a boyfriend and girlfriend force themselves to go into counseling it's like forcing a square peg into a round hole.

There is no fit.

You both need to find partners who do fit.

 

I agree with this 100 percent. Personal experience the only “full-fledged relationship” post-divorce at the time was about 3 years after. Was my GF and I wanted to try so hard to “fix things” we went to counseling and I paid for it out of my work insurance. It was a freaking waste of time. As stated above bottom line we did not fit. Life is too short, don’t waste the time or money. Move on!

[Sweetfish]

I recently broke up with my GF because of what some people have been saying. I asked other people's opinions on our problems before, in these threads before:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/577101-wrong-jerk-ish-me-ask-my-girlfriend-pre-nup-if-we-got-married

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/544812-my-girlfriend-too-much-about-money

 

After breaking up with her, my family disagreed that I should have done that, and they all like her. They kind of had an intervention for me, saying I could be losing the love of my life, and we should at least try couple's counseling instead, before leaving her forever. What do you think? Do you think that it's worth it from the problems we were having? I am open to it, if so, but what do you think?

 

Prenuptial can be a slap in the face.. depending on how much you talking about.

 

If you got 50k in the bank.. you screwed up.

If u got like 500k+ it's fair

[ChickiePops]

Your family shouldn't dictate who you marry no matter what the back story is.

[ironpony]

Well my family now has a change of opinion over her. After I broke up with my gf, she blocked me on facebook. Just a day ago, my family came across what she has been posting about me on her facebook wall, since my Mom's friend, is friend's with my gf's Mom.

 

My ex-GF has been posting about how I was abusive towards her in the relationship, and during the break up. She also called my best friend and went crying to him saying that I 'slapped her in the face', during the break up, as he quoted her, when that never happened.

 

I talked to my ex-GF about this and she said that did this out of anger cause I broke up, but she wants to get back together now, and says she will apologize to everyone for lying about me. She was just angry, she says.

 

However, I don't think I should get back together with her, and try counseling, after my whole family and friends sees that I have been abusive towards her, and after she tells my best friend that I slapped her, at the break up, when that didn't happen.

 

Basically what happened was, is that when I was leaving after the break up, she kept grabbing on to me and tried to stop me from getting in my car and driving away. I pushed her off of me to get away, but I didn't slap her. It was just a push to get her off, so I could leave, after ten minutes of asking her to stop.

 

But she told my friend it was a slap, and she posts on facebook for all my family to see, saying I was abusive towards her during the break up and in the relationship. What do you think?

[Gaeta]

 

But she told my friend it was a slap, and she posts on facebook for all my family to see, saying I was abusive towards her during the break up and in the relationship. What do you think?

 

Make it over, definitely.

 

This is not a woman marriage and mother material.

 

You learn about people through hard times, not when all is nice and dandy. What she is showing you is the real person she is.

 

Dating is about finding a suitable partner to build a life together. You are not compatible and forcing it through counseling won't change that.

 

Counseling is for married people with children who actually have a lot to lose. You don't.

[ironpony]

She did call my Mom today, and they had a talk, since she is close to my family and has been over quite a few times. My mom, after talking with her, says that she really loves me and that good women are hard to find. She now thinks that she is worried I may be making a mistake by leaving her, and I should at least try counseling. But it's hard to go back, since she told everyone on facebook, that I was abusive towards her in the relationship. She posted other things to, but I didn't get to read them before she blocked me, but I saw that they were there.

 

She also took the comments down and says she will apologize to everyone to make up. She says she loves me and doesn't want to loose me. However, I am not sure if I should give it another shot with her, with a counselor after she said that about me for my family, relatives, and friends to see.

 

Do you think if my Mom thinks that about her, after their talk, that maybe it's worth giving it another shot as long as she apologizes to everyone on facebook? She says the reason why she posted it, is because after I broke up with her, a few hours later, I was feeling really upset and angry over our relationship, being broken up cause of problems, and I contacted another woman I knew before, to talk about old times, and to try to take my mind of my ex. I didn't meet up with her or anything, I just contacted her after the break up. My gf somehow found out about it, although she wouldn't clearly say, and she says because of what I did, that's why she posted to everyone on facebook about me being abusive. But she was upset and now wants to make up and try again. Is what I did, after the break up just as bad though, and maybe I am not taking accountability?

Edited November 9, 2016 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

 

Do you think if my Mom thinks that about her, after their talk, that maybe it's worth giving it another shot as long as she apologizes to everyone on facebook?

 

I am a mother, my daughter is 29 years old and shares everything with me concerning her love life. I am trying to imagine if her boyfriend did that to her, lied about her on social media, something big like accused her of physical violence, I'd have a hard time - a really hard time forgiving him.

 

I would support my daughter in terminating her relationship with him.

 

The difference between your mom and I maybe is that as a divorced woman I know there are plenty of men out there and ending a relationship is simply making space to welcome someone better. You will never run out of women to date, there are plenty of good women out there. If your mom has been married for years than she is scared you'll end up alone, it's a common fear for people in long term relationships.

[morrowrd]

Counseling is tricky, there are alot of bad counselors out there, in my experience. I am however, in counseling for the past year with my girlfriend. It originally focused on her 7 year old son who has special needs, and we wanted to make sure we were doing everything right. This counselor had prior history with her, and her abusive ex husband, counseling them both, and the ex for his anger issues. So I figured since she knew the situation, and since alot of the child's behaviors were related directly from being in an abusive home, she would be a person who could make a difference. Over the course of the year, we have brought our relationship problems to her, (the counselor) and I found her very helpful and insightful. (My girlfriend also came on this forum, signed up and then asked you all for feedback on one of our relationship issues that we took to counseling, hardly anyone sided with me.) I wasn't surprised, since I didn't identify myself and give my side of the story - and it also gave me some insight on answering some of these forum posts, just how one sided things are here because none of us ever get that "other side of the story."

 

Anyway, sorry about getting sidetracked....I do recommend counseling, if you can find someone good. Stay out of county mental health, get someone with a private practice, who has been recommended to you by a person you trust, who can share about the counselor, their methods, and if they were helpful.

Edited November 9, 2016 by morrowrd

[rester]

After breaking up with her, my family disagreed that I should have done that, and they all like her. They kind of had an intervention for me, saying I could be losing the love of my life, and we should at least try couple's counseling instead, before leaving her forever. What do you think? Do you think that it's worth it from the problems we were having? I am open to it, if so, but what do you think?

 

I think if I were in your shoes I would be done with the relationship, but if you are open to trying to work it out and so is she, then go ahead and try it.

 

What happened with the counselor you decided to see back in June? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/577101-wrong-jerk-ish-me-ask-my-girlfriend-pre-nup-if-we-got-married-34.html#post6957036

 

Do you think if my Mom thinks that about her, after their talk, that maybe it's worth giving it another shot as long as she apologizes to everyone on facebook?

 

No, I don't believe your ex is worth giving it another shot with, whether she apologizes or not. But if you really value your mother's opinion that much, this is your call.

 

She says the reason why she posted it, is because after I broke up with her, a few hours later, I was feeling really upset and angry over our relationship, being broken up cause of problems, and I contacted another woman I knew before, to talk about old times, and to try to take my mind of my ex. I didn't meet up with her or anything, I just contacted her after the break up. My gf somehow found out about it, although she wouldn't clearly say, and she says because of what I did, that's why she posted to everyone on facebook about me being abusive. But she was upset and now wants to make up and try again. Is what I did, after the break up just as bad though, and maybe I am not taking accountability?

 

I don't think contacting an old friend, even an old friend you once dated, "to talk about old times", is anywhere near as bad as posting lies (if they are truly lies) about you on facebook. That's very childish.

 

What has happened in your relationship in the last 5 months that made you finally decide to end the relationship?

[fromheart]

You seem to be taking on board a lot of other peoples opinions, on this forum and from your family, and acting upon them without forming your own.

 

Ultimately you have to make up your own mind about things. Take on others opinions but learn to come to your own conclusions.

[ironpony]

The counselor we saw in June, is the one I mean, where it didn't go well. I can tell that the counselor was not going to go well, from then on, so we both decided not to go back to that one. But we could go to another one I guess.

 

As for going by the advice, of others, there are times when I feel I may be wrong or too self-righteous so I want to make sure I am making the right decision, especially when others say to give it a shot with a counselor.

 

As for what happened that made me decide to end the relationship, it was pretty much the same problems that I brought up on here, before that didn't go away. Basically before, when we were having the same problems I went to a friend of mine to get advice. My friend told me that she thought my girlfriend was being manipulative. My gf read the message and kept having a problem with then on, from my friend in my circle of friends. My gf would constantly ask in a demanding way, if I had to talk to her from day to day, and she kept asking if I am talking about her behind my back. She also thought that me and my friend had a thing for each other, just because I she gave me an opinion of my gf, where she said she was being manipulative.

 

So my gf kept having a problem with me having this friend in my group of friends and it got so much on my nerves that I snapped and ended it with my gf.

Edited November 10, 2016 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

It all seems so childish to me. How old are you 2 ?

 

When we've been in a relationship for 2 years, when we're serious about making a long term future together, we should have a relationship healthy enough, strong enough, open enough and secure enough to not run to friends at every turn. You should trust enough in each other to turn to each other during conflicts.

 

You should mutually respect the relationship and protect the relationship from outsiders by A) not venting to female friends about your relationship B) not bad mouthing and degrading your bf on social media.

 

I think you both need a little bit of growing up before embarking on a life together.

[ironpony]

Well she didn't vent about me on social media till after the break up. I normally do not go to friends for relationship advice, but I felt I had to go to someone cause me and my gf were having some problems, and I felt I needed some advice, cause I didn't know what to do. Isn't that what friends are for sometimes, when necessary to ask for advice?

 

But is me going to a friend for advice, near as bad as her posting on social media after the break up, about me being abusive, which wasn't true, for everyone to see?

 

I mean when I asked a friend for advice, I didn't air it for everyone to see, and I told the truth, when asking my friends, where as accusations of abuse, does not seem truthful at all, according to how I was behaving, when people asked.

 

I mean is it wise to act without advice or input, on a problem? Would you break up with someone, without asking for anyone's advice on the problem first?

Edited November 10, 2016 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

Well she didn't vent about me on social media till after the break up.

It does not matter. It's highly irresponsible and childish and on top of venting she said lies that some people will believe. Even if she apologize to everyone and says you didn't do these things there will always be people thinking you did hit her.

 

I normally do not go to friends for relationship advice, but I felt I had to go to someone cause me and my gf were having some problems, and I felt I needed some advice, cause I didn't know what to do. Isn't that what friends are for sometimes, when necessary to ask for advice?

Had you address these problems with your girlfriend already? If I caught my bf talking to a friend about me and talking about problems he has that I am not even aware of I'd be livid. Our relationship problems are to be addressed with me. Yes I do understand the need to speak to a friend but depends on the circumstances.

 

But is me going to a friend for advice, near as bad as her posting on social media after the break up, about me being abusive, which wasn't true, for everyone to see?

You know my opinion on this one. Posting lies about you on social media would be unforgivable in my book. I have divorced twice and never bad mouthed my exs on social media. I went through it privately.

 

I mean is it wise to act without advice or input, on a problem? Would you break up with someone, without asking for anyone's advice on the problem first?

It's alright to ask advice but you have to make up your own mind and make your own decision. If ironpony wants to break up then he breaks up even if your entire family is against it. You have to do what feels good to you. And what feels good to you may not coincide with people around you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

What exactly would be goal of couple's counselling?

 

In reading your other posts it seems the sticking point is the prenup thing. What else would you be hoping to fix in therapy? In fact from reading your second post it seems you might even benefit from individual therapy to figure out why you are so cautious and protective of your money, with the woman you want to marry?

 

Regarding the prenup, unless you are a trust fund baby and are inheriting your family millions, having enough money to buy a house and other things is not exactly something you should be thinking about protecting with your life via a prenup.

 

I mean people can get very protective of their finances but if there is one thing that long-term relationships will teach you is that in life, there will times where you are on top and your partner is struggling and other times when you are the one on the bottom and your partner will be the to front the entire deal. Life has a funny way of flipping the script when you least expect it.

 

That's what marriage is about and that would be a good take-away from couples therapy.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Gaeta]

having enough money to buy a house and other things is not exactly something you should be thinking about protecting with your life via a prenup.

 

Actually it is. It is his and he should protect it. If he wants to buy a house with it than the house should be in a pre-nup and if she wants to become an owner of that home she should be given the opportunity to purchase her half over a certain amount of years. Other dispositions can be taken in case of divorce like he would pay her a certain amount of money to settle elsewhere etc.

 

I own my home and it's the same as having cash in the bank. I would never get married without a prenup protecting my asset.

 

If the pre-nup is fair she should not have any problems signing it. A prenup protects BOTH parties. OP you can't have her sign a pre-nup to protect your assets without including a little something for her in case of divorce. If she spends 10 years with you you cannot just throw her out in the streets.

 

Have you seen a lawyer or notary concerning that prenup?

[Sunkissedpatio]

No it isn't! Everyone has enough to buy a place these days.

 

If it's going to make him that paranoid he can buy the house before they are married or living together and can leave with the exact amount of assets he had prior to the union if they were to get divorced. Marriage doesn't make her entitled to his house. Especially if it's all under his name only and purchased prior to the union

 

Gees it's not like we are talking about protecting his multiple assets and millions!

 

I wouldn't sign a prenup unless I was marrying a millionaire. That's offensive and unnecessary for the average person. Nor would I ever make a guy sign one. I own a place too with a ton of equity that will be paid off in a few years.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

I should also add, the property can be kept with the deed under OPs name and used as a rental property and that is totally separate from the marriage or as a union home, in which case the combined money towards paying that mortgage and in the event of divorce she would have a right to the money she contributed towards the mortgage. That's fair.

 

Asking her to sign a prenup for a home you buy on your own is like asking her to agree to have a life with you but to walk away empty handed. That's irrational and not what marriage and trust is about.

 

Unless I am not understanding the purpose of a prenup in this case, not sure what other reason you would have to have her sign a prenup or how that would look?

[ironpony]

Well all I wanted to keep in the prenup is the house since I am using all my savings to buy it. She can have several other things, and I don't mind. I just wanted the house only, and I am paying for the whole thing, so I felt that I just wanted that for myself as a place to live only, and she can have a lot of everything else. I told her this, and I told her that I want the prenup to be fair and I asked her what she would like of it.

 

She told me that she didn't even want to talk about it cause she is not going to sign one, so it's not worth talking about. So I couldn't have the conversation with her on trying to come up with a fair prenup, cause she refused to have it each time.

 

But I feel that her refusing to sign a prenup, is not the issue, and that there were several other issues that I talked about in the other threads, that added to the problems. Not just the prenup on it's own was the cause.

Edited November 10, 2016 by ironpony

[Sunkissedpatio]

If you are in North America, if it is just the house that you want for yourself and you plan to pay for it all on your own meaning you will both live rent-free, then it is entirely reasonable that you would want to walk away with the house in the event of a divorce.

 

And that can easily be set out if you keep your name only on the deed and there is no payment from her going towards the house. She would have a hell of a time proving in court that she deserves half of your home since you acquired the property before going in to the union.

 

Having said that, this is the home you would bring up your future children and would build a life in. What if she wants a neutral place that you could both call home?

 

The problem with that arrangement you desire is that it sets the marriage/relationship on uneven footing. She will always feel like a guest in your home. Why not buy a house and then keep it as rental property and then buy a home together? Does she not have a career?

 

Sorry, I skimmed through your other threads still not sure what the issues are for therapy, especially if she is your ex. Are there talks of getting back together?

 

And more importantly were there things that drove you to the split and if so are those the things that need to be worked out in therapy? Sorry I am still amiss here as to what couples therapy would be for? I mentioned the prenup because that is what is being discussed in those threads you posted in the OP. Sorry if this is not the point of this thread, I'm confused.

[ironpony]

Well I thought she could still have a place to call home even though it is mine. I can't afford to pay for a house and rent at another place. All that rent money would need to go towards a house. But I thought she could still call the place home even though it's mine in legal property.

 

What I mean is, is that in the OP, I posted links as to what we had problems with before. Those were some of the problems we were having in our relationship, which helped lead to the break up. But it's not her refusal to sign a prenup that lead to the break up. I was told in the threads by others giving advice, that she was being manipulative and vindictive in what she was doing and that's what lead to it.

Edited November 10, 2016 by ironpony