When hope is all you have left

[CrushingHope]

we had some texts today. He assured me it's not sex or finances or that he's "just happier" with her that makes him not able to walk away. He says he can't tell me about it because the situation is a mess and he doesn't want me to see him in a different way than I see him. He says it goes way deeper than anyone realizes and is not at all what I would think.

 

He went on to tell me that he can never say goodbye to me...says I'm the most beautiful, witty, caring, sexy, cute, charming, smoking hot woman he's ever been with and that I've changed him for good. He said maybe one day he will be able to explain all of this to me. He told me that he absolutely fell in love with me and that his feelings haven't changed or been "shut off" (as I accused them of being).

 

It just bothers me so much that he can't explain it. But I'm convinced that it's not any of the things I thought it might be...

[Superchicken]

Hi Crushinghope,

I can see from the number of follow up posts, you really needed to vent your horrid situation.

When I first seen your first post, I though, Oh god, another War and Peace person. But I did read through ALL of your story, and do feel bad about your situation.

You got many reply posts correctly telling you what the best course of action was, and I agree.

I believe you need to keep your life on track, and if it is to happen (Hitching up), then it will happen.

Don't wait for crumbs to be thrown at you to fulfil your hunger of companionship (I do come up with some good ones at times ).

Become a chef, and go out and get exactly what you need to make yourself happy.

I hope a little smile has set upon you gloomy face, and take heed of what others have said.

Spend time with friends, and make sure humour is in your life everyday.

 

 

Ted

Edited November 19, 2016 by Superchicken

[CrushingHope]

Thank you Ted. I do have a pretty good sense of humour, but am finding this all very difficult. I know there are a number of reasons, other than feeling so compatible with him, that have made this harder for me than any break up I can remember (other than my first love).

 

I am in a new, small town where I don't really have many friends. I have a couple of people in school who have been really amazing, including one of my teachers. There are a handful of people I can talk to and that has been really helpful, and also have my friends back home (5 hours away), and of course the counsellor. But you're right...I do still feel the need to vent about it. I'm not necessarily looking for advice, as I do really know that I have to move on. But it's almost like with him...he knows he needs to get out of that relationship - he's known for a very long time, but something keeps him there.

 

I don't have lack of people to talk to, but I have lack of people to do things with to take my mind off things. That's been the hardest part.

 

I continue to talk to his ex-wife who has been so lovely throughout all of this. It helps to hear things from her perspective in many ways, but it just reiterates that he is a very good person who has gotten involved with someone who has made a really negative impact on his life.

 

l like your "chef" analogy but I don't really know how to do that. I don't know how to get the man/relationship/life I want. I've tried for a really long time. I am always told how much I have going for me, how "beautiful" i am, how people can't believe I'm single.... but I am. And I can't seem to find the right guy. I really thought this guy had potential to be it, but I guess, like I said before, as much as I know he liked/loved me, he was never actually available to me for real because he had never completely left this woman.

 

it's just sad. I want to get passed it but I keep hanging on for fear that I will never have what I actually want and that this is the closest I'll ever get.

[Superchicken]

l like your "chef" analogy but I don't really know how to do that. I don't know how to get the man/relationship/life I want. I've tried for a really long time..

 

 

 

Well, my wife "Picked me up".

Yep, She asked me for a dance at a club, which led to a few dates, then Off the market I went.

Wasn't even looking for a hookup. I was bamboozled, and taken unexpectedly.

 

 

Do the same. Your not going to find him at home. So make plans to go out with friends, meet up at gatherings, functions, hell, even join some clubs where guys hang out. Try online dating, as there's a few good guys on there.. I don't know, but anything is better than dwelling on your current predicament.

 

 

Ted.

[CrushingHope]

I'm not very good at being the one to initiate with guys. It's just not what I do.

 

I know it sounds easy to go out and meet people, and I've never really had trouble finding things to do to keep occupied and stuff, but this town I'm in is a deadzone. I'm just here for school, and everyone is much younger than me, for the most part. And the ones who are my age, have families and lives outside of school. That's why meeting this guy was so wonderful - he enriched my life on levels that I didn't even know I needed. It was amazing for two short stints of time.

 

I know I have to try to move on. I am, surprisingly, a little better than I was, and I know things will get a bit easier when he moves out at the end of the month.

 

But I know I still have hope in the back of my heart, for us. What we had was truly a lovely thing - he even said the other day that the memories we made in such a short time are things that he thinks about every day. He makes it seem like he likes me so much and what we had...and that there is something keeping him there that he can't talk about...and no one in his life (kids, exwife, brothers etc) say how miserable he is with her. It's just so hard to understand any of this. But I suppose I have to move on without answers...

[Superchicken]

You have already given up without even starting.

That's says everything.

Get up off your sorry ass, and change things for the better.

 

 

My wife makes Mother Teresa look like a Pole dancer.

Even to this day, she is extremely shy, and embarrassed.

So go figure how she got me !.

I even make the police drop their heads in shame !.

 

 

Change starts now..

 

 

Ted.

[CrushingHope]

I just don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to date someone new.

 

I'm hung up on this guy and if I tried to date someone new just to get over him, then I'd be doing to them exactly what he did to me.

 

I don't think it's not really about getting off my ass. I am not going to go to a club/bar by myself.

[CrushingHope]

I'm really having a rough go of it.

 

My ex, who lives in the unit downstairs from me (in a two unit house) was supposed to be gone on Nov 30th, after being evicted by his ex-wife's parents (who own the house). He has appealed the eviction 2 times since the summer and was finally told that he must be out by Nov 30. Well, that day came and went and he's still living there. They found out that day that he is now taking it to provincial court.

 

He left me to go back to his ex-gf (toxic, co-dependent relationship - she is an alcoholic who is a horrible woman from things he's told me and from what my friend has told me who knows her. I'm new to this town this year and didn't know her). Anyway...I'm still in love with him. This is the second time in 6 months that he's left me to go back to her.

 

And I was looking forward to him moving out because at least then I wouldn't have to hear him come and go. It's heartbreaking.

 

He told me he knows that life with me is better than life with her. We've had minimal conversations since he went back but he has said that there was absolutely nothing missing between us and that I'm perfect in every way. Last night he told me that he knows a life with me would be more wonderful than any life with her. He wont' tell me why he goes back. He is not happy with her and everyone, including him, knows it. His son barely talks to him anymore and his daughter has written him off. They can't believe he continues to go back when this woman has ruined his life so many times. It's heartbreaking. They have said that she "has something over on him but they don't know what" and that he's "just not right".

 

I asked him to tell me that he was happy. I told him it wouldn't hurt my feelings, that i just needed to hear it to move on. But he won't. He doesn't respond when I ask him that question.

 

I feel like he's keeping me on a string. He has said he will never say goodbye to me but that I need to do what's best for me and not keep holding on. I don't understand any of this. We were happy. Really happy. His son told his mom that his dad was so in love with me...that he couldn't keep his hands off me...that he was going to marry me...that i was everything he's ever wanted. And then said "and when he's with ____, they barely act like friends"

 

No one understands what's going on. And not having any answers, and hearing him coming and going downstairs is torture. I am not handling any of this well.

 

Thanks for listening to me vent...

[Philosoraptor]

I feel like he's keeping me on a string.

 

A correct assumption. You're his safety net. He wants to be with her, but knows it's not healthy. He keeps you around as a nice soft place to land between trips with her.

 

Value yourself enough to get out of this situation permanently. There are people out there who will truly value you, and not use you.

[CrushingHope]

yeah I dunno. I wish it was that simple...I wish I could just let go. It's been so hard. I truly believed that he fell in love with me. He said it all the time and his actions seemed to prove it...until he suddenly went back to her. It makes no sense.

 

I know I need to "let it go" but how do I do that when I hear him coming and going all the time downstairs?

 

I have vowed not to initiate any texts with him. That's what I'm working on. His last text to me was telling me that life would be better with me and that he knows that...

 

*sigh* I just wish it wasn't so hard. I don't deserve this. I'm really a good person.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

There are three very common reasons why some people have difficulty moving on, even after a long time has passed:

 

 

1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process.

 

2. Rebound relationships.

 

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences.

 

1 and 2 are much more common than 3.

 

 

I'm not saying that any of those points apply to you; its just something I've observed in people.

 

It will be much easier for you once he actually leaves and sinks below the horizon.

 

To quote someone dear to me:

 

 

"Go with God; but go now, go far, and do not return."

 

 

Take care.

[CrushingHope]

I agree, Satu.

 

I find it very difficult to complete the grieving process when I continue to hear him come and go from the apartment downstairs. And the walls are thin so when he's here I can hear him talking to his son and it breaks my heart because I used to hear him and know that I had just seen him or that he would be coming up to see me in a few minutes, or that we would soon be packing the truck with blankets and pillows to go for a drive and look at the stars.

 

And now, it's nothing. And I have to see him come home, driving her car, and know that he is going to her house soon and spending time with her.

 

And all of this knowing how many times he has said not just to me but to everyone in his life that he can't live that miserable life with her anymore and that he can't ever go back...

 

it's just heartbreaking day in and day out...