TheSea Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Hello Guys! First of all I am a gay guy (please don't judge me about this), on september of 2015 I met on this dating app called Grindr a guy and we kept chatting until May this year when we met for a date. I was already attached from chatting. The date was TERRIBLE, I asked him if i looked like my pictures in real life and he said that turned him off big time, and then I dared to ask his friend If i was ugly because Michael (thats his name) didnt fancy me and i asked him not to tell him. First thing he did was going to tell Mike, he thought i was a total freak and he was turned off badly. Last Sunday after 3 months of chatting trying to change his mind that im not a weirdo or a freak (and also making him a little bit jealous showing him all the good looking guys ive been dating) he accepted a dinner at his apartment as friends.... Everything was perfect, we ended up having sex, great dinner, we got along really well, and he said he really enjoyed it and he didnt think i was freak anymore, that i gave him a totally different impression. He had a date the next day (he dates a lot and sleeps around a lot as well) and he even said "wish i hadn't told the other guy to come to visit me , id like to spend the day with you but i cant cancel on him because he spent money on the train tickets" (he lives in another city) Next day after meeting with his date I asked him some questions and he said this , ill copy and paste the chat [23:05, 8/8/2016] ME: just feels weird having sex with someone who goes on dates with other guys [23:13, 8/8/2016] ME: i really liked you yesterday [23:24, 8/8/2016] mike: Lol lets just not call it anything and have fun together in the bed and out [23:32, 8/8/2016] ME: would like to get to know you and see what happenes but i dont think you want that [23:32, 8/8/2016] ME: you know with some people its a definitive no [23:33, 8/8/2016] ME: like no, i wouldnt date that person [23:33, 8/8/2016] ME: think thats what happens [23:33, 8/8/2016] ME: like u like me for sex and to be around, but u wouldnt date me [23:35, 8/8/2016] mike: You said you don't want a relationship... I think we would be better friends... On a sex level we definitely get on but I don't think we have a lot in common to be more than friends [23:36, 8/8/2016] ME: ok, things are clear now [23:37, 8/8/2016] mike: Do you still want to be friends I think it could work? [23:37, 8/8/2016] ME: of course silly [23:38, 8/8/2016] ME: im gonna start with my stupid questions, but is it becasue u didnt like me physically enough? LOL! [23:38, 8/8/2016] mike: No physically you're hot [23:39, 8/8/2016] mike: I just don't think we have enough in common to be more than friends [23:40, 8/8/2016] ME: thats okay [23:40, 8/8/2016] mike: It's like as a friend you accept people as they are [23:40, 8/8/2016] mike: But as a partner there has to be something more Next day we went to the gym together, I am a gym goer with years of experience so he wanted to started and im helping him with the basics, then we went to his house, and sex again, dinner.... Now he is off for work to another city but coming back on Friday and we will see each other again. What should i do? are there any chances that he might end up falling for me? He loves my attention, he even admitted he got jealous when i was getting to know a guy , he said it bothered him a little losing my attention. I was thinking to make him very used to having me around, treat him nice, help him with the gym, the dinners, sex and one day tell him im dating someone seriously, I dont know if i have any "card" to play better than that. Any advice please? thank you so much everyone for reading such a long message, Im really into him and id give anything to date him....
JewelD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 No, I don't think he will ever fall for you. You had to 'convince' him that you weren't a freak just to see him again. I don't think you should have done this, there's plenty of guys who will like you for you that you won't have to chase down. You said you don't feel comfortable having sex with a guy who sleeps around so you should stop having sex with him because he's made it clear he's not interested in dating you and that he will continue to sleep around. I understand you like him, but it's very doubtful any good will come of this situation between the two of you. Either accept the FWB for what it is or move on to someone else who might want to have relationship. If you hang around in the hopes that he will change his mind, your feelings will just get stronger and you will be even more hurt if he rejects you again.
Ami1uwant Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I don't think anything will come from this. For whatever reason he sees you to as not compatible when it comes to a relationship. Sorry fact but that is reality. I didn't Pursue relationships in the past because in getting to know someone I found there was some key differences that made something in a marriage not feasible. There wasn't anything wrong with them...instead we didn't mesh in key areas.
Standard-Fare Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Wow... read through that text chain again and try to see how clingy and needy you're being with a guy who's only slept with you once, and has only shown casual interest. He's being very straightforward and honest with you that he only likes you as a f*ck buddy. You obviously want more from him, but that's not something you can demand, or plead for. (And in fact, taking that approach with him is only going to drive him further away.) I think you need to keep your distance from this one. Continuing to have sex with him is only going to deepen your feelings and cause you pain. 2
Author TheSea Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 so there are no chances that he could end up liking me? we only met twice, the first time was just terrible (in May). He could end up getting attached with time but if he doesnt the price ill pay will be too high because ill be sooo in love..... Maybe im being delusional, but I still think if i keep going for dinners, etc, going to the gym together, watching movies, and suddenly tell him ive met someone and this has to stop, he wont like it at all....and that might make him react that he will lose me. But yes, this could not happen and i will end up very hurt
JewelD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 so there are no chances that he could end up liking me? we only met twice, the first time was just terrible (in May). He could end up getting attached with time but if he doesnt the price ill pay will be too high because ill be sooo in love..... Maybe im being delusional, but I still think if i keep going for dinners, etc, going to the gym together, watching movies, and suddenly tell him ive met someone and this has to stop, he wont like it at all....and that might make him react that he will lose me. But yes, this could not happen and i will end up very hurt He might be a little jealous because he won't be able to have sex with you anymore, but I highly doubt he will up and ask you to be his boyfriend. You cannot trick somebody into liking you or force them to. He's not even open to the possibility of a relationship between you two so you need to let it go. For health reasons as well. Do you really feel comfortable having sex with someone who's having sex with other people at the same time? Perfect storm for an STD.
Author TheSea Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 don't you think he could change his mind over time? its not that he has known me for months, he properly saw me in person twice. I shouldn't even have mentioned the possibility of a relationship that soon. Unless he dislikes my looks and then there is nothing much to do.... Regarding STDs I use protection for everything, and as far as I know he does as well.
heartfeltlove Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 No, don't hold out hope. Sadly, you sound desperate. But he has been honest with you, and doesn't feel you're compatible for relationship material. he has already said that physically you're hot, but that's all the attraction seems to be. By the way, it makes no difference what your gender or sexual persuasion is. This type of thing happens no matter what, in any culture, any tradition, between any genders. AFAI can see, nobody judges you here for being gay. You jumped to that conclusion as being a possibility. That's very sad. I'm sorry if you have encountered bias, prejudice and badmouthing in that way.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 don't you think he could change his mind over time? its not that he has known me for months, he properly saw me in person twice. I shouldn't even have mentioned the possibility of a relationship that soon. Unless he dislikes my looks and then there is nothing much to do.... Regarding STDs I use protection for everything, and as far as I know he does as well. You remarked that it felt weird going on dates with someone who sees other guys. What do you expect after 1-2 meetings? You'll be soooooo in love in you see him much more. How old are you, 12? Dont see this guy again.
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) [23:40, 8/8/2016] mike: It's like as a friend you accept people as they are [23:40, 8/8/2016] mike: But as a partner there has to be something more He is telling you there that although he enjoys the sex and he enjoys you as a friend, you do not have that certain something that makes you "relationship material" for him. Listen to him, he is being honest with you. What should i do? are there any chances that he might end up falling for me? He loves my attention, he even admitted he got jealous when i was getting to know a guy , he said it bothered him a little losing my attention. I was thinking to make him very used to having me around, treat him nice, help him with the gym, the dinners, sex and one day tell him im dating someone seriously, I dont know if i have any "card" to play better than that. Very bad idea, all that will do is ensure you get even more head over heels and invested in him, and one day HE will tell you that HE wants to stop the FWB arrangement as HE has met someone HE is really interested in... Lots of people in FWB arrangements get jealous of the "competition" but that is rarely a sign of getting feelings, it is often more a sign of ego and wanting to be the most important thing in your life. He wants you to be exclusive to him and give him loads of undivided attention, yet he enjoys all the benefits of a single life, it is not an uncommon situation. Edited August 11, 2016 by elaine567 clarity 1
DramaInPajamas Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) I disagree that he is a FWB. You have met twice and had sex once/twice? That does not a FWB make. He is just someone you hooked up with off a dating app notorious for arranging hook ups. Edited August 11, 2016 by DramaInPajamas 2
Tribble Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 You need to step away from this situation pronto. You are only going to get hurt. He's been very clear and you guys are on different pages. FWB can work, but it's fairly rare. You both need to be able to separate sex and feelings and BOTH know that a relationship isn't on the cards. You aren't there at all. FWB isn't for everyone. You cannot hold out hope. He likes attention from you, who doesn't?! That doesn't mean he is developing feelings. And this 'card' you have in your deck waiting to play is manipulation. And it isn't going to work either. Separate from this 'relationship' you need to work on yourself. You come across as desperate and insecure and I'm sure this guy picked up on that. Building relationships is about so much more than looks and you need to realise this. You need to find your worth and believe it. This guy is handing you scraps and you're acting like that's all you deserve. And that is not true. You deserve a relationship if that's what you want. Believe in yourself and someone who will give you everything you want will come along.
Toodaloo Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 This guy has been turned off by your neediness and clinging behaviour. All I see is someone constantly looking for reassurance about superficial things like looks... Trust me that is a big turn off. I think you need to walk away from this guy because you are getting attached and its clear that he is going to walk away when he finds someone he does match with. It will hurt you badly and probably knock your confidence even more. I think once you walk away you need to take a good look at yourself and start to learn how to like yourself and then love yourself just as you are. Do the things that you have been wanting to and learn all those things you have been itching to know about. Then try again at this whole dating lark. Sex is great and sometimes we meet people that we enjoy having sex with but when it comes to a life long commitment there just isn't anything extra that keeps us there. Its not that they are a bad person or nasty or anything its just that a life with that person doesn't seem so great. You have probably been in his shoes as well so try to remember what it was like when you didn't really want more from a person but the sex was entertaining... That is where he is at. For what its worth this behavior isn't restricted to gay or hetro people... So your sexuality in this case doesn't matter. Your self esteem and confidence do. Its just how it goes when you are looking for that someone who is special to you... 3
joseb Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 No he is not interested and won't be. Plenty more fish, move on. Lessons to take: Don't spend months texting before meeting someone. Figure out what is triggering this very clingy behaviour, because even if he was into you that would probably turn him off. 3
Author TheSea Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 After almost 2 months as everyone predicted I am so terribly hurt. I dont know what to do. We became really close in these 2 months, we have become really good friends (or fbw) but i fell in love with him.... We are not just f**k buddies, we cuddle together watching movies, I spend the night at his and we sleep hugged, he cooks for me, its like playing being boyfriends for few hours. On Sunday after I spent the night there he was getting ready to go on a date and he looked totally stunning, he never made such an effort for me, and he dropped me home in his car on his way, that killed me. Few weeks ago we didnt see each other from 10 days because his parents were visiting here from Poland and they were travelling around the country. We had never spent so much time without seeing each other since we started this fbw s**t. We were sitting in his car and he asked me, did you miss me? I dont think thats a question you ask a friend you don't see for only 10 days. I didnt answer to it and i asked back, did you? and he said "maybe a tiny little bit" teasing me, dont know what the f**k he is playing at. Thing is as a friend he is really nice, caring, helpful, always trying to help me, I wouldn't want to ditch him out of my life, he is a good person, he knows im alone in this country so he will cook me dinner for my bday which is next thursday, but i dont know how to get over him If im still in touch...Maybe I need some distance, i dont know... Thanks guys and sorry for the messy post, its 6am and i can't sleep (btw i should be looking for a job but this situation doesnt help me at all)
Midnight_Madness Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) Hi, It sounds to me as if you are interested in being more than just FWB with Mike. Regardless of the signs he gives you sadly I still don't necessarily think he is interested in dating you. I think your concept of a friends with benifits is a little skewed as you have developed feelings for Mike. I would consider spending the night with, cuddling and seeing your FWB often to be within the realm of normality for such situation, not necessarily a sign of more. Pretending to seriously date other people so as to cause a reaction from Mike doesn't sound like a good idea to me. There are far too many reactions he may have to that particular scenario, not all of them good, that I consider it too big of a risk. Having a FWB relationship can be tough, best of luck in the future . Edited October 4, 2016 by Midnight_Madness
Tribble Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 We had never spent so much time without seeing each other since we started this fbw s**t. We were sitting in his car and he asked me, did you miss me? I dont think thats a question you ask a friend you don't see for only 10 days. I didnt answer to it and i asked back, did you? and he said "maybe a tiny little bit" teasing me, dont know what the f**k he is playing at. I'm afraid they do. If I haven't seen someone at work for a while I'll playfully ask if they've missed me. It doesn't mean anything. Thing is as a friend he is really nice, caring, helpful, always trying to help me, I wouldn't want to ditch him out of my life, he is a good person, he knows im alone in this country so he will cook me dinner for my bday which is next thursday, but i dont know how to get over him If im still in touch...Maybe I need some distance, i dont know... You do know and you should ditch him. You don't need to be horrible but this situation is making your life miserable. You're worse off having him in your life than out of it. He must know you have feelings for him. Either that or he is oblivious. Either way, he is blatantly dating others in front of you. Let it go.
Author TheSea Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Hello Guys! how is everyone? this is an update to my orignal post and I need some advice, you can read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590989-falling-my-friend-benefits Mike told me he has feelings for me although not as intense as mine and that he is getting a little bit attached but there are many red flags that won't let him date me, and he promised himself after he broke up with his ex that he wont ever date another guy if it doesnt convince him 100%. He is very very rational and 0 emotional. Basically he thinks that if we were in a relationship i would behave the same way im behaving right now. Friends with benefits doesnt work for me...especially because im falling(or fell) for him, so Im really intense, I question him a LOT, needy, clingy, but he can't understand thats the result of the type of relationship we have, that to me is a complete sh**t and it ruins my self esteem, thats why i seek reassurance all the time, I question him what he did, if he slept with someone else, why he didnt answer my messages etc, I honestly drive him a bit mad and he thinks if we were dating I would feel even more entitled to question him and I would make his life hell, which is FAR from the truth. Once we were in a proper relationship I would relax and i wouldnt have the need to ask anything. For example when he tells me he is going on a date (because we have an agreement not to lie to each other) I feel really not good enough for him to date me, especially not attractive enough, so I always ask him if im good looking etc, he hates those questions because he says i ask them over and over again, but as I said its the effect this type of relation has on me. Also when I see him on dating apps.....how can he pretend that I feel great about it? Anyway, its very frustrating that he has feelings for me but he wont even try dating me because he assumes my behaviour would be the same as it is right now that we are in the shi**y relationship, I dont know how to make him understand that, he says the change of a label wont change my personality, but its not the change of a label. Change of a label would be if we were boyfriends for years and we got married, but from friends with benefits to boyfriends it would be more than a label, the relationship between us, etc Is there anything I can do? He doesnt lie about having feelings for me, i feel it and im not delusional, he is definitely not in love like i am, but there is something. And we are FAR from just **** buddies, we spend weekends together from Friday to Sunday, we are really close but yes he refuses to date me and he says it will never happen because of what I explained above. Should i start playing it cool? but I would be faking it... Thank you so much and excuse my english mistakes, Dan.
basil67 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 His assumptions are reasonable. It makes perfect sense to not get into a relationship with someone who's behaviour is annoying. Instead of being needy, clingy, etc, you would have maintained far more credibility if you'd told him "we can't continue the FWB because I have feelings for you and the casual nature of our relationship is not working for me". It would have shown that you have dignity, self respect and self esteem. I'm really not sure if there is any way to recover from the situation you're in now. 1
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I honestly don't know why you're still wasting your time with this guy. Your clinginess is not attractive. Why would he date you in order to get you to stop acting crazy? And I'm kind of with him on that point that you're probably not going to start relaxing just because he gives you a simple label. You will probably suspect him of cheating, wonder why he's not spending all of his time with you, constantly need him to reassure you that he loves you. If you can't be a proper friend with benefits, I can't imagine you'd be much better being his boyfriend. You don't seem to understand boundaries and even when you're dating someone, there are still boundaries. And it's never a good idea to date someone who doesn't like you as much as you like them. He's perfectly okay with not dating you. And he has been for a long time. Why are you still seeing him if you don't like him messing around with other people? It's like you put up with just about anything. You need to do some self-reflection before you consider being in a relationship with anyone.
Author TheSea Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) His assumptions are reasonable. It makes perfect sense to not get into a relationship with someone who's behaviour is annoying. Instead of being needy, clingy, etc, you would have maintained far more credibility if you'd told him "we can't continue the FWB because I have feelings for you and the casual nature of our relationship is not working for me". It would have shown that you have dignity, self respect and self esteem. I'm really not sure if there is any way to recover from the situation you're in now. Exactly that...he calls me annoying... And I dont want to give up because I fell in love and he tells me he has feelings for me that exceeds a friendship....Maybe i should give it one last try and relax, show him I can be different Two weeks ago I told him I couldn't do this anymore and that i have to stop seeing him/talking to him because I had fallen in love with him and this was destroying me, he made such a big fuss, that after we met for the last time he would get drunk because he couldn't take erasing me from his life, in the end i went to his house to the idea of saying a final goodbye and I couldnt do it I wish I could be just his friend and the other feelings went away, I hate the idea of taking him out of my life, he is a good guy, sweet, good person...I love him as a guy but as a friend as well, such a complicated situation, never again fwb. Edited October 31, 2016 by TheSea
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 You have already shown him how you are. It's possible that you could change some of those negative qualities but I highly doubt it's going to happen with this guy and in this short amount of time. You'd just be acting and eventually your real habits would start to show again. Plus you should change because you don't like the way youre acting, not to make him want to be in a relationship with you.
mortensorchid Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I am familiar with Grindr and have seen many a tale from it (I myself am a strait woman, gay man friends showed it to me, and Google it for tales associated with it in a variety of sources). Based on this story, sorry to say, I think he took advantage of you and now he's done. Bag it, tag it, give it cab fare. Move on.
Author TheSea Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 I am familiar with Grindr and have seen many a tale from it (I myself am a strait woman, gay man friends showed it to me, and Google it for tales associated with it in a variety of sources). Based on this story, sorry to say, I think he took advantage of you and now he's done. Bag it, tag it, give it cab fare. Move on. No, believe me, he might not want me as a partner but he really does want me as a friend and not because of the benefits, we became very close in these almost 3 months. If he didnt care about me he would have kicked my ass long time ago, I recognize Im hard work and he doesn't keep me for the sex, he can get that easily
Herbalist Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 He is using for sex and also enjoys manipulating you, hence "miss me?" even though he knows damn well that you do and that it's because you're nuts with obsessive infatuation and desperation. You are there to give him orgasms and ego strokes. This isn't a good guy you are with though your perception and judgement are obviously clouded AF. Otherwise he would have cut things off with you a loooong time ago. The whole story reads like some terribad yaoi manga that glamourizes dysfunctions as sexy.
Recommended Posts