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Single parents: why do the childless refuse to date us?

WhatIsLove2014

By WhatIsLove2014
in General Relationship Discussion

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WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
Posted

This is just a thread for us single parents to let you know that there is someone out there for you. Despite the threads with jerks calling us (mostly single moms) users and barely able to take care of ourselves because of our "mistakes" (aka our children).

 

1) Always put your children first, no matter how lonely you feel. You don't want to bring the wrong person into your life out of desperation.

 

2) DON'T GIVE UP! It may take longer, it may not but don't give up.

 

3) DON'T compromise! (this goes along with #1)

 

4) YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR SITUATION...NO MATTER HOW YOU GOT THERE!

 

5) It's okay if a person doesn't want to date you (or anyone with children) because you have a child or 3, DON'T HIDE IT. It's better to X that person before you fall too deep and get hurt because you hope they will get past it after getting to know you.

 

6) Stay strong :-)

 

If anyone else has advice for single parents or those looking to date a single parent, leave it below. *positive vibes only*

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morrowrd Established Member

morrowrd

Posted
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My girlfriend is a single mom, and one of the children has very high special needs. While it can be overwhelming in the beginning, the key is remembering a relationship is an investment. It's a give and take, a phrase used so much that it's easy to become desensitized by the actual meaning, in a selfish society and culture. My girlfriend is so loving and affectionate, it's changed me and made me for the first time in my life, happy and content. The least we men can do, who have entered a relationship like this, is to honestly absorbed the children into our hearts and lives, and not just to give back, but to make a difference. Making a difference is an investment.

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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In my case, it has never been an issue.

 

I can only say that every person you meet is different.

 

That`s positive. :)

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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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I'm a childless man who is in a LTR with a woman who has children. I used to be one of those childless individuals who refused to date women with children. I confess, I did have the misguided belief that single moms were users who took significantly more than they gave in relationships. However, with age comes wisdom. In retrospect, I've dated plenty of childless women who took plenty and gave little. Now, I'm happy to be with a mom who does her best to balance the give and take.

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usernameisvalid Member

usernameisvalid

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I have nothing against single parents, but I'm so happy I married someone without kids. I want kids, and I really hated the idea that I'd be experiencing pregnancy and having a kid for the first time while my partner had done it before. I just really want to become parents for the first time with my partner. I think it's the chance for incredible bonding. I understand that going through all that would create a bond between us even if my partner already had a kid or kids, but it's just something I really wanted my partner to share only with me.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

Posted
Posted

A woman having a child is only really a deal-breaker for a small percentage of guys; a number that gets smaller as the age gets older.

 

My observations have been that if a woman was truly desirable before she had a child, she's still going to be in-demand even after having a kid.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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If you want to be more attractive and/or don't want single, childless people thinking you are an user......THEN GET YOUR FINANCIAL $#!@ IN ORDER! That includes being financially independent. Nothing spells irresponsible parent, potential user than a parent who doesn't work their tail off trying to make her/his home better for her/his children and her/himself.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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I don't think it is just about finances. Some childless people do not want to get involved with people with kids for many reasons.

Kids rarely come alone, they come with exes and the family of exes (not everyone wants to personally interact with exes for life...), they come with parental responsibility (not easy if are used to looking after only yourself), they come with their own emotional baggage (divorces and break ups can be hard on kids), they can come with huge amounts of drama,(not every kid really wants to have a "new" Mom or Dad) and for a single childless person to suddenly deal with teenagers or older kids can be a huge ask.

Most single childless people are also used to forming relationships with other single people, (that can be hard enough) and they are used to being number one in that person's life, coming straight in at number 2, 3, 4... can take a bit of getting used to.

 

So some people just choose to avoid the extra hassle.

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compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

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My advice: make sure the person you're dating knows up front, unless you're just doing the casual sex thing. That way you know they aren't going to be scared off when they find out.

 

My boyfriend has kids, and he put "dad" in his descriptor on Tinder, so I knew before we even met. Imo, this is a good way to screen out people who wouldn't be willing to date someone with kids.

 

I know we were both really nervous about me meeting his kids, but it turned out okay, and my life is definitely enriched by having them in my life. And now we have a new baby together. :)

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Timshel Established Member

Timshel

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Posted

First, congratulations cd, for your healthy little one. Best.

 

OP, I am a widow with children and there isn't anything in your 'checklist/call to arms' that resonates. Why so defensive? Why are you or any single parent actively searching for a person to defend yourself against?

 

'Don't give up!'

'Don't compromise!'

'Always put your children first!'

 

Ermm, ok...what's with the drama and why are you dating if the process is antagonistic to the point that you must remind yourself (and others) to put their children first?

 

If dating leads you to compromising the integrity of your family and self...then don't date.

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TheParadox7 Member

TheParadox7

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'Always put your children first!'

 

Ermm, ok...what's with the drama and why are you dating if the process is antagonistic to the point that you must remind yourself (and others) to put their children first?

 

If dating leads you to compromising the integrity of your family and self...then don't date.

 

I agree with you, but there are some people who don't put their children first, whether they are single parents or not.

Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

Posted
Posted

I recently had an experience. I was chatting to a guy from POF for a few weeks and we were about to meet when he suddenly confessed he had a daughter. We ended up not meeting for various reasons.

1. My profile stated that I would not date anyone with kids- I'm honest about that because I am not emotionally mature enough to deal with that. At 23, recently out of Uni etc- I still have days of feeling like a child myself

2. He stated he did not have children- so he basically lied which I couldn't handle. I would feel awful if I was his daughter and found that he was claiming I didn't exist to improve dating prospects!

3. His response was that his daughter lived with her mother- so he only saw her occasionally. This annoyed me too because he wasn't taking responsibility for his child. Seemed to make no effort to support her or be involved in her life.

 

If I was ever to have children then it would only be because I felt my partner was the type to support and be a good father and that we would parent as a team. I'm not overly maternal and couldn't deal with bringing up a child by myself.

 

This was my reasoning for why I didn't date this guy. I disliked his lack of involvement and lying more than the fact he had a child! I felt like I had to justify my reason for not meeting him after he said he had a daughter.

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WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
First, congratulations cd, for your healthy little one. Best.

 

OP, I am a widow with children and there isn't anything in your 'checklist/call to arms' that resonates. Why so defensive? Why are you or any single parent actively searching for a person to defend yourself against?

 

'Don't give up!'

'Don't compromise!'

'Always put your children first!'

 

Ermm, ok...what's with the drama and why are you dating if the process is antagonistic to the point that you must remind yourself (and others) to put their children first?

 

If dating leads you to compromising the integrity of your family and self...then don't date.

 

This may not relate to you but it does relate to others. It doesn't relate to me directly but I've seen many woman compromise themselves, their values, their children just because they didn't want to be single. Hiding their children, dating men/women who were abusive to their children because they weren't their own because they were so desperate to find someone.

 

It wasn't supposed to be "drama" or defensive. Not everyone has emotionally baggage, baby mama/baby daddy drama, financial issues, etc but as someone listed before, that is the stigma of being a single parent (i.e divorced or never married).

 

I'M SO GLAD THIS POST DOESN'T RELATE TO YOU! This is to promote positive vibes for single parents who DO relate, who DO need that inspiration.

 

If people who DON'T want to date single parents, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY THEIR CHOICE and if they do, that's fine as well.

 

This thread is for encouragement for those feeling less than.

Edited by WhatIsLove2014
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WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
  • Author
Posted
If you want to be more attractive and/or don't want single, childless people thinking you are an user......THEN GET YOUR FINANCIAL $#!@ IN ORDER! That includes being financially independent. Nothing spells irresponsible parent, potential user than a parent who doesn't work their tail off trying to make her/his home better for her/his children and her/himself.

 

In general, everyone should be financial independent...kids or not.

  • Like 3
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WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
  • Author
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RE: Single parents: why do the childless refuse to date us?

 

The title is just a quip.

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WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm a childless man who is in a LTR with a woman who has children. I used to be one of those childless individuals who refused to date women with children. I confess, I did have the misguided belief that single moms were users who took significantly more than they gave in relationships. However, with age comes wisdom. In retrospect, I've dated plenty of childless women who took plenty and gave little. Now, I'm happy to be with a mom who does her best to balance the give and take.

 

That's great! It's definitely a personal preference but great to know both sides!

  • Author
WhatIsLove2014 Established Member

WhatIsLove2014

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I have nothing against single parents, but I'm so happy I married someone without kids. I want kids, and I really hated the idea that I'd be experiencing pregnancy and having a kid for the first time while my partner had done it before. I just really want to become parents for the first time with my partner. I think it's the chance for incredible bonding. I understand that going through all that would create a bond between us even if my partner already had a kid or kids, but it's just something I really wanted my partner to share only with me.

 

Nothing wrong with that at all! We all have different feelings about who we date and why!

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted
This may not relate to you but it does relate to others. It doesn't relate to me directly but I've seen many woman compromise themselves, their values, their children just because they didn't want to be single. Hiding their children, dating men/women who were abusive to their children because they weren't their own because they were so desperate to find someone.

 

It wasn't supposed to be "drama" or defensive. Not everyone has emotionally baggage, baby mama/baby daddy drama, financial issues, etc but as someone listed before, that is the stigma of being a single parent (i.e divorced or never married).

 

I'M SO GLAD THIS POST DOESN'T RELATE TO YOU! This is to promote positive vibes for single parents who DO relate, who DO need that inspiration.

 

If people who DON'T want to date single parents, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY THEIR CHOICE and if they do, that's fine as well.

 

This thread is for encouragement for those feeling less than.

 

My advice is that if any single parent is experiencing the level of adversity that you describe...it would be better to not put themselves in the dating pool.

 

Here's why.

Whether a person is single/no children or single/with children, dating is meant to be enjoyable/fun. A person may go on a date or two and decide a person is not going to be a lifetime partner.....and still have fun getting out and enjoying an event, restaurant, some entertainment for the evening.

 

I am putting in my two cents that not every single parent is dating to the point of needing a pep rally.

Not every person is dating with any agenda.

Some people just wait and date when the proper person comes along without fuss.

 

Your OP just sounds....like a lot of effort/angst and I wondered why?

  • Like 3
Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

Tell someone "don't" and you impede them...Share with them how to "DO" and you encourage them.

 

So I think Timshel is saying..."DO" keep the kids priority. Do have self respect.

Do value your family. Do walk away if the person cannot accept your life choice :)

 

Its all in the way its presented. and I DO agree with OP, Many single parents need encouragement to maintain.

 

Wish some one would have sat me down when I was a single parent...I did all the wrong things in dating....

  • Like 1
Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
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I don't even want to date people who once married or lived together.

 

so there you go.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted

My wife (then single mom) had plenty of dates along two lines

 

1) Guys who could care less about her kids - did not want to know her kids -just wanted a FB. But then that's alot of guys in the dating scene who view divorced moms in a certain way.

 

2) A very few guys who wanted to "save her and her kid". Knight in shinning armor thing.

 

 

The only thing I can say (as a step parent of many years) is that finally marrying a single mom, brings alot ot pain and discomfort not found in normal marriage. You have only to talk with other step parents - go on some support boards, to see the difficulty and anger and tears and challenges of being a step parent and step family. Its so much harder than you can imagine. To this day I don't think my wife understands how difficult it was for me and how much I sacrificed and gave to her and her kids and dealing with her ex. Its SO hard being a step parent.

  • Like 1
Tinie Established Member

Tinie

Posted
Posted (edited)

Your OP just sounds....like a lot of effort/angst and I wondered why?

 

I assumed this thread was a response to the horrible thread going around in Rants and Confessions about single mothers and how they're only after a dude's wallet:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/600433-women-children-dating

 

I'm not a single mother. Heck, I'm just a 24 year old university student. Motherhood for me is still a ways away. However I did notice a stigma (maybe its just something on loveshack?) against single mothers being, as the OP described, gold-diggers so I do agree with the opening post.

Edited by Tinie
  • Like 1
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

Thanks Tinie, I hadn't seen that thread. I think a stigma would come from the few single mother's who do behave badly. Stereotypes are perpetuated for any group by the rotten apples. There are some people who base opinions on second hand information and then some who have had a bad experience and dismiss an entire group for one person's actions.

 

I can recognize the OP's frustration....but the anger and stating what should be a given only serves to perpetuate the idea that if not inspired/informed to do so, dysfunction will ensue.

 

I don't mean to be confrontational to the OP as I realize and she has stated that she is attempting to give support and encouragement to single parents in regard to dating.

 

My issue is around feeling put off at the idea that any decent parent would need to be informed of such. That is my own Idaho and if there are women/men who need these instructions and would actually engage in that kind of behavior then good on OP for attempting to stop them from doing so.

 

Although if this is the case, I'm afraid they will need more help than a forum and I still think that they should get their stuff together before trying to partner up.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
In general, everyone should be financial independent...kids or not.

 

Of course, I agree. I also agree that it's more than finances. I was responding to someone's post involving labeled a 'user', in the financial sense.

MJJean Established Member

MJJean

Posted
Posted
A woman having a child is only really a deal-breaker for a small percentage of guys; a number that gets smaller as the age gets older.

 

When I was 24, I had a 6 year old and a 1 year old. My DH and I were dating and he had no children. Each and every one of his friends thought he was either crazy, shortchanging himself, or both by seriously dating a woman with kids.

 

By the time we hit our mid 30's, most available women had at least one child and a few of those same friends ended up marrying formerly single mothers.

 

One particular friend of DH's, C, was VERY against our relationship solely because I had been married and had two young children. He said he'd never date a woman with kids or who had been previously married. Went on and on about it. For years. He even tried to sabotage us multiple times.

 

He's now married to a woman who was divorced with two daughters when they met. Oh, how I chuckle.

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