aries85 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 This is going to be a long one... and quite frankly a train wreck. A little bit about the guy: He's 25, never had a relationship that lasted more than a couple of months, claims he's never fallen in love, parents have been split up for a while and he's hoping they work things out (idk it seems like this would play a factor) We dated about 3-4 months in total. He seemed pretty interested in the beginning and we went on several dates. But there would be 2-3 weeks in between our dates (some were initiated by me). He still texted me almost everyday, but sometimes he would let the conversation die/not answer after a while. I felt like maybe he wasn't interested, so I confronted him about it several times asking if he actually wanted to date or if he just wanted to be friends/go our separate ways. I said it was completely fine if he didn't want to, but just to let me know because I am looking for a relationship. Each time he insisted he wanted to continue, but his reasons changed every time. At first it was because he started working more and wanted to get his life together first. He sent me this long message about how he really likes me and really wants to date me. My reply was "okay, but I can't wait around for you so I'm going to move on". He then asked if we can revisit dating in a couple of weeks when he "gets his life together". I said okay. A couple weeks later it was he doesn't know if he likes me enough to get serious because he doesn't know me that well yet. Pretty much he was saying we don't spend enough time together with all of our dates 2 weeks apart. Meanwhile I'm thinking, why won't he ask me out more then?? He also mentioned that because we live farther away from each other it's harder to meet up so frequently. But that he would like to spend more time getting to know me. So then I tried seeing if we can see each other at least once a week by asking him to do things. Meanwhile his efforts in getting to know me haven't really changed at all. I confronted him about it again, to which he tries to explain: he doesn't know if he wants to be more serious because he hasn't gotten to know me as well yet, but he doesn't want to try because he doesn't think it'll work out. (Which makes no sense to me btw). At this point he thinks I'm giving him an ultimatum: either be in a relationship with me or cut it off. So he suggests we just be friends for the time being. BUT, later on in the night, he says he thinks he does like me but he's just scared because he's made a mistake before by getting serious with a girl and ended up hurting her, which he felt really bad for. And he didn't want to do that to me. Afterwards nothing really changed and I kept having a nagging, gut feeling. So two weeks ago I decided I've had enough and broke it off with him. To which he agreed because he doesn't want to get in a relationship for some reason he doesn't know. So I'm about to be all "have a nice life!", when he says he'll still reach out to me and would like to hang out sometimes because he really enjoys my company and cares about me. I then broke down crying because of the rejection and confusion, and spent the night crying while he comforted me. Yeah pretty messed up I know... After that he was still super insistent on being friends. We talked and hung out one time after that, and then I stopped contacting him. It's been a week and he hasn't contacted me either. I don't think I plan on contacting him anytime soon. I think I've had enough humiliation and frustration for a while. I guess my question is-- did I do the right thing walking away? Or is he just really hesitant/scared/emotionally unavailable and I should have given it more time, playing cool? On one hand I sympathize because I think he is just afraid of making a mistake and does like me. On the other hand I'm so angry because he led me on this whole time and gave me all sorts of confusing explanations. And what if he really does pull through on the whole "being friends" thing and contacts me, should I give it a try or tell him to shove it? I don't think sex is a huge factor in this case because he's completely fine with us not having sex in order to slow things down. Thanks for any help/advice!
IfonlyIknew Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 His actions are speaking for him pretty clearly. He doesn't sound like the kind of man I'd want to pursue. He friend zoned you. You did the right thing by walking away I wouldn't give him the time of day. 1
stillafool Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Unless you want to continue to frustate yourself because this guy won't be in a relationship with you I would suggest you move it along. If he were anywhere near feeling the way you do he would not let so much time past before seeing you. He just wants to be a FWB but doesn't want to call it that. I guarantee he is seeing others.
Zahara Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Yes, you did the right thing by walking away. He doesn't get to treat you as an option. You don't need to stick around and wait for someone to choose you. Emotionally unavailable or just not into you - it doesn't matter. Either one not good for you. You need to cut contact and stop allowing him to keep you around as a fallback. 1
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 There are some people who don't have the emotional capacity to get close to someone, that's why I think he has never had a relationship before. If I were you I would just stick with someone who is experienced. dump this chump for good. 1
GoreSP Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 If he's emotionally unavailable, he is not available. If he is not into you, he is not available (to you). Move on. 2
Author aries85 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 What if he's one of those people that wants to have a friendship foundation before it turns into something more? And in a world where guys just want to get with girls, would I be an idiot to walk away from a situation where a guy actually wants to be friends? If that makes sense... like he still offers support saying he'll be there for me if I ever need him...
ThisisIt606 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 He seems a mixture of extremely confused and kind of a jerk actually. I think he knows he doesn't want a relationship. He was just keeping you on the back burner as an option. Sure he might enjoy your company but he's doing it selfishly by not taking your needs into consideration. You were clear you wanted a relationship and gave him an out... he did this wishy washy back and forth thing. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You definitely did the right thing, he's no good. No more contact with him and off to find someone new... 1
Author aries85 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 He seems a mixture of extremely confused and kind of a jerk actually. I think he knows he doesn't want a relationship. He was just keeping you on the back burner as an option. Sure he might enjoy your company but he's doing it selfishly by not taking your needs into consideration. You were clear you wanted a relationship and gave him an out... he did this wishy washy back and forth thing. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You definitely did the right thing, he's no good. No more contact with him and off to find someone new... Yeah I think you're right. And that's what frustrates me the most, every time I talked to him about it I gave him an out and he kept insisting. And he seemed so genuinely guilty and upset I forgave him and said we can be friends. But now that I've taken some time away and gotten clarity, the more screwed over I feel. I almost want to give him a piece of my mind now!
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Either way doesn't matter the consequence is still the same and its nothing to do with you or anything you can do anything about so???? 2
leogirl876 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 He may like you, but he's not into you enough for what you want. You definitely did the right thing by walking away. Who knows, he may come back after he realizes you are gone, but once he gets you back, he may sit back again. I'd say keep it moving! 1
VeveCakes Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Yeah I think you're right. And that's what frustrates me the most, every time I talked to him about it I gave him an out and he kept insisting. And he seemed so genuinely guilty and upset I forgave him and said we can be friends. But now that I've taken some time away and gotten clarity, the more screwed over I feel. I almost want to give him a piece of my mind now! He sounds like an avoidant....he wants to be close but is actually not capable. These people dont change. Check out the book Attached, he is text book avoidant style attachment... 2
ChatroomHero Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 If I were you I would ask what did I actually walk away from? The answer sounds like not much at all. I'd be more worried about what you are trying to walk in to.
spiderowl Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Yes, you did the right thing. He was only going to mess with your head. He wants you around but doesn't want any kind of commitment. He was just being feeble really. Another guy will come along and show his commitment.
Author aries85 Posted November 7, 2016 Author Posted November 7, 2016 He sounds like an avoidant....he wants to be close but is actually not capable. These people dont change. Check out the book Attached, he is text book avoidant style attachment... I checked out the book and you're right, that sounds exactly like him. Update: So after a week of not contacting him, he texts me over the weekend asking if I had any plans. I said I was going out with friends that night and he didn't try to keep the conversation going after that. A couple of text exchanges later, I asked him a question about his work and he said he'll explain it to me when he sees me in person. I don't get it, why bother talking to me at all? I'm actually frustrated that he won't just fade/ghost away like other guys. It gives me that ounce of hope that he might miss me And why talk about seeing me if he's not going to ask to see me?! It's just so hard to forget about him and move on when I know he might reach out at anytime.
Mkn1010 Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 (edited) This sounds very much like a person who I was communicating with who would keep popping back up, with messages about catching up and how he was going to make things up to me (but with very little follow through). He would even suggest ideas for dates for the upcoming weekend (like a week in advance), but when the time came about for the planned activity I wouldn't hear anything from him. The behaviour was actually very predictable, almost had a cycle to it! And when you make them answer for it, they give you every excuse under the sun as to why they couldn't emotionally show up. This avoidant style of person also fears abandonment as that is why they cannot deal with you walking away when you call them out on the inconsistent crap. I believe the intention is there to want to be close, but the capacity isn't. And when closeness happens, they aren't even aware of their own need to distance. His parents' relationship is very relevant, the guy in my case was the child of divorced parents and also described himself as "broken". If you actually fell for this guy, chances are he would completely vanish when strong feelings form, like after saying 'I love you' for example. Better you get out now than later!! Edited November 7, 2016 by Mkn1010
Poe77 Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 T But there would be 2-3 weeks in between our dates (some were initiated by me). He still texted me almost everyday, It kinda sounds like he tried in the beginning but you stalled it out to much so he kinda started having second thoughts from there on out it was down hill just move on and learn from this experience if you like some one make the effort to see them more then once every two weeks..
Buddhist Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Anytime someone is ambivalent it's never about getting their life together, emotional issues, scared etc....It's always about one thing, no matter what they tell you. They just don't feel it with you. Absolutely no-one out there meets someone who really does it for them and then tells them to slow down, I need to put this on hold etc. If you're the right person, they are all in. If you're not then you meet with a heap of flip flopping, excuses and BS lines about their life being a mess. Yes you did the right thing by moving on.
Mkn1010 Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 I don't agree with the above for what it's worth, otherwise psychiatrists and mental health practitioners would not study and write about the people who have issues with attachment styles. However, if he is one of such people, then that is actually less workable than ambivalent interest (while it may feel better to you as the rationale for his behaviour).
Author aries85 Posted November 7, 2016 Author Posted November 7, 2016 This sounds very much like a person who I was communicating with who would keep popping back up, with messages about catching up and how he was going to make things up to me (but with very little follow through). He would even suggest ideas for dates for the upcoming weekend (like a week in advance), but when the time came about for the planned activity I wouldn't hear anything from him. The behaviour was actually very predictable, almost had a cycle to it! And when you make them answer for it, they give you every excuse under the sun as to why they couldn't emotionally show up. This avoidant style of person also fears abandonment as that is why they cannot deal with you walking away when you call them out on the inconsistent crap. I believe the intention is there to want to be close, but the capacity isn't. And when closeness happens, they aren't even aware of their own need to distance. His parents' relationship is very relevant, the guy in my case was the child of divorced parents and also described himself as "broken". If you actually fell for this guy, chances are he would completely vanish when strong feelings form, like after saying 'I love you' for example. Better you get out now than later!! That's exactly what he does!! Every time I write him off, it's like he senses it somehow and pops back up. When I went to go break it off with him, he made this whole speech about how he doesn't want to never see me again and he suggested all these ideas for us to do. He said he wants to actually hang out, yet it's been a couple of weeks now and he hasn't made any effort to do that. This is going to sound so cliche but is it possible for him to change eventually? Like maybe it's because he's just inexperienced and things might be different in the future? Or is the case always "he's just not that into me"?
Mkn1010 Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 (edited) IF his issue is that he is an avoidant type, apparently change is possible if the person commits to therapy/deals with the underlying issue (usually form their childhood) that's causing them fear. If it was just a case of his interest level being low as suggested here, I don't think he'd kick up a fuss every time you've given him an out. However, as I said earlier, low interest in you has greater potential than an emotionally avoidant type. Seriously, consider whether you are tough enough to handle the inconsistency long term... I don't know that anyone is!! Every time this person doesn't give quite enough, you will be torn down again and again. Another key thing is: people don't change from within a relationship. If he was going to try and change, having you there is NOT going to be a motivation to do so! He likely has no idea what's going on with him. This is only fresh, you have seen this side of him now fortunately, it will be hard to move on, but much easier now than later. At the end of the day though, it's your life and if you're minded to see how he reacts a few more times in the near future by continuing to try to communicate with him, I guarantee you'll have your answers and it's only a matter of time before you walk away (let's hope it's before your self-esteem suffers too many more hits). Edited November 7, 2016 by Mkn1010
Buddhist Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 I don't agree with the above for what it's worth, otherwise psychiatrists and mental health practitioners would not study and write about the people who have issues with attachment styles. Attachment styles is just a theory. At one point these medical professionals also had a theory that epilepsy was demonic possession. Just because it comes from a supposed authority doesn't mean it's right or true. It's just their current explanation or pet project. Science is forever reinventing itself and disproving it's own theories. It isn't set in stone. Of course you're welcome to disagree with me, that's cool. I just get frustrated by sciences (particularly behavioural sciences) being held up as some kind of immutable law.
Recommended Posts